Gṛhastha – The Hindu
Householder
© Vishal Agarwal (vishalsagarwal@yahoo.com)
Revision: 23 March 2023
The book was compiled as a result of the author’s personal study. Popularly and normatively held views are emphasized. To let the Hindu tradition speak for itself, works by modern Indologists and outsiders to the tradition are largely ignored and the focus is on the primary sources (texts) and living traditions.
Table of Contents
1.0 The Householder: Grihastha Āshrama
1.1 Scope and Purpose
This compilation describes the Hindu Householder couple (Grihastha) from the time they get married life till the time they start preparing for retirement.[1] Most modern treatments of this subject focus on a subset of Hindu sacred texts, traditions and facets of life because of which their description appears very normative or descriptive, theoretical and divorced from the complexities of real life.
The role of a married couple is not simply performing religious ceremonies throughout the day and obsess with ‘caste’ rules, as these modern studies indicate. The ancient Hindu tradition is a shoreless and a fathomless ocean of timeless wisdom that is quite relevant to modern life challenges as well. I have mined the Hindu sacred literature and practices to present a more broad, practical and realistic picture of the Grihastha so that the reader can use their guidance to enrich their own personal family, social and professional lives.
1.2 The Stage of Householders: Grihastha Āshrama
After the first stage of life[2] – that of the celibate student (Brahmacharya Āshrama), when his education is over, the student should get married, adopt a suitable / profitable profession and raise a family. He can continue learning, and can also contribute to the overall society but his focus should be to provide for his family, to raise his children, educate them and settle them in their lives. We should generate wealth and support the needy and the unfortunate, and make donations to educational and religious institutions once our family’s needs are met. The institution of marriage is open to everyone including those who have not been educated by passing through the first stage of life.
1.3 Importance of Grihastha Āshrama
Every stage of life has its own importance and role in the overall human society. By being a student, one becomes a learned a productive member of the society. The Vānaprasthī (retiree or hermit) is able to focus more on his personal growth after decades of an active and product family, social and professional life. The Ascetic can focus solely on his spiritual development, while serving as a guide to the society. But it is the family which constitutes the very bedrock of the Hindu society.
The Grihastha Āshrama is vital for the survival and growth of any society because it is the householder who, according to the Hindu scriptures-
1. Gives birth to children, keeping the cycle of life in motion across generations.
2. Produces resources to provide for himself, his family and for all the other orders of the society.
3. Fulfills and lives the Vedic commands of performing religious ceremonies, give charity, teach others.
4. Forms the bulk of the society.
Below are some citations from the sacred Hindu literature to this effect-
As all living creatures subsist by receiving support from air, even so the members of all orders subsist by receiving support from the householder. Manusmriti 3.77
Since the householder alone supports the members of the other three stages every day with knowledge (i.e. teaching the Vedas) and food, the householder stage is the most excellent. Manusmriti 3.78
The householder is said to be the most superior for following the injunctions of the Vedas and Smritis because he provides for the other three orders of the society. Manusmriti 6.89
Just as all rivers find their ultimate refuge in the ocean, in the same way all the orders of the society find their refuge in the order of householders. Manusmriti 6.90
There is no Ashrama superior to that of the householder, indeed there is none superior to the householder. The householder who follows all his duties obtains the fruit of visiting all pilgrimage centers while remaining within the confines of his home. Vyāsa Smriti 4.2
The householder is the refuge of all the other three (3) ashramas. When the householders are unhappy, everyone in this world becomes unhappy. Daksha Smriti 2.48
When the root is protected, it leads to the growth of branches and then leaves, and all of them perish when that root is destroyed; likewise the King and members of the other three (3) ashramas should protect the householders and always treat them with respect and worship. Daksha Smriti 2.49-50 It is the householder alone who performs Vedic sacrifices, who gives charity and who performs austerities. Therefore, the order of the householders is the best of all orders. Vishnu Dharmasūtra 59.28
The Rishis, the Devas, the departed ancestors, all living creatures and the atithis hope to get support from the householders only. Therefore, the order of the householders is the best of all orders. Vishnu Dharmasūtra 59.29
By pursuing the three aims of life (Dharma, Artha and Kama), by distributing food at all times, by worshipping Devas, by honoring Brahmanas, by performing his duty of studying the Vedas and by offering water etc. to his departed ancestors, the householder indeed attains the status of Indra. Vishnu Dharmasūtra 59.30
The three orders of students, the forest dwelling hermits and the wandering ascetics derive their existence from the order of householders. Therefore, the householder must not treat any member of these three orders with disdain when they arrive (at his doorstep for alms). Vishnu Dharmasūtra
59.27
1.4 General Duties of the Hindu Householder
Human life and society are diverse and complex and families can be very different from each other. The differences result due to their lineage, profession, composition (e.g., with or without children), location etc. Nevertheless, there are several duties common to all householders as listed by Hindus sacred literature 3-
Forbearance, truthfulness, self-control, performing purification, giving gifts, controlling the organs, abstaining from injuring, obedient service of the teacher, visiting holy places, compassion, honesty, freedom from greed, paying homage to Devas and Brahmanas, refraining from anger – this is called the common Dharma (of all humans). Vishnu Dharmasūtra 2.16
The householder who is devoted to his Guru, who takes care of his servants, who is compassionate, not critical of others, who performs japa and homa regularly, speaks the truth and keeps his senses under control. Who is contented with his wife alone and does not covet someone else’s wife, and who is not criticized by others (for failing to do his duties) – such a householder obtains the fruit of
33 Some of these are listed by Manorama Johri (2019), pp. 92-94.
visiting all pilgrimage centers while remaining within the confines of his home. Vyāsa Smriti 4.34
Several duties are said to be required of householders – Look after cows, agriculture, sowing seeds for crop, feed Brahmanas, feed milk to infants, look after their children, give charity to orphans and give medicine to sick Brahmanas and other humans. Āpastamba Smriti 1.4-5
The duty of a householder is earning livelihood by his own profession, marriage among his equals of different ancestral Rishis, intercourse with his wedded wife after her monthly ablution, gifts to gods, ancestors, guests, and servants, and the eating of the remainder. The duty of a householder is earning livelihood by his own profession, marriage among his equals of different ancestral Rishis, intercourse with his wedded wife after her monthly ablution, gifts to gods, ancestors, guests, and servants, and the eating of the remainder. Kautilya’s Arthashāstra 1.3
Offer oblations to the sacred fire (Agnihotra), earning one’s living through one’s allotted professions, cohabit with his wife except during festival days, serve the Deva-s, Pitar-s and Atithis and have compassion for the destitute, follow the injunctions of the Vedas and the Smriti-s: These are the duties of Grihastha-s. Kāmandakīya’s Nītisāra 2.26-26
In various Smriti texts, different duties are prescribed for householders of different social classes. But other texts do not differentiate the duties of householders of different social classes that clearly or in any significant detail.
2.0 Choosing your Life-Partner:
2.1 Compatibility of Families
In modern cultures and in Christianity, marriage is simply a union of two individuals. However, in other traditional societies including the Hindus, a marriage is a union of two families or clans. Therefore, compatibility of families with respect to their lineage, values, level of knowledge, wealth and ethnic heritage is considered very important to ensure the success and the stability of marriage-
Friendship and marital relationships should be between individuals from families that are equal or have similar wealth, not between families that are very unequal. Panchatantra 2.30
Typically, Hindu scriptures recommend that the bride and groom should be of the same Varṇa (Social Class), preferably of the same Jāti (hereditary caste) but of a different Gotra (spiritual lineage) and Pravara. This ensures that while they are genetically separated sufficiently, they have similar customs, food habits and so on. In ancient times, one’s Jāti (hereditary community) and Varṇa (social class) were a principal determinant of his or her vārttā (profession, source of income) and vrtti (social customs, family values, level of education, dietary regulations etc.) but today with the spread of education, increase in social and professional mobility, inter-community weddings and other influences, they are not that important. Even in medieval times, they had become quite defunct in areas like Sindh, Kashmir or did not conform to the scriptural descriptions. And these social divisions do not have much relevance in Hindu communities (traditional or diaspora) outside the Indian subcontinent) anyway. Therefore, Varṇa and Jāti per se have progressively lost their importance as a factor in determining betrothals, especially in urban areas, where they are increasingly becoming irrelevant as markers of one’s identity and belongingness. These intercommunity marriages also help in cross-pollination of the best from both the families and promote greater cohesion and unity in the Hindu society.
In the Hindu society, the couple is not left to fend for itself because the entire extended family participates in helping them out, with their involvement having its own pros and cons. In case there is a conflict between the spouses, their families step in to enable a reconciliation and help broker peace. It was also considered acceptable that the groom’s family were slightly more elevated than the bride’s family in terms of education, wealth, reputation and so on. This, in the common Hindu understanding, ensured that the bride will not look down upon the family of her groom that she will be a part of after her marriage.
In the selection of a bride or a groom, their family traits and not just their personal traits are also considered, as the next sections show.
2.2 The Qualities in a Good Bride and her Family
The Hindu scriptures list several qualities that a bride and her family must possess. Some illustrative verses are given below-
In connecting himself with a wife, let him carefully avoid the ten following families, be they ever so great, or rich in cattle, horses, sheep, grain, or property - Manusmriti 3.6
- One which neglects the sacred rites, one in which no male children (are born), one in which the Veda is not studied, one (the members of) which have thick hair on the body, those that are subject to hemorrhoids, phthisis (consumption), weakness of digestion, epilepsy, or white (leukoderma) and black leprosy. Manusmriti 3.7
Let him not marry a maiden with reddish hair, nor one who has a redundant member, nor one who is sickly, nor one with either no hair (on the body)[3] or with too much, nor one who is garrulous or has red (eyes). Manusmriti 3.8
Let him marry a lady free from bodily defects, who has an agreeable name, the graceful gait of a swan or of an elephant, a moderate (quantity of) hair on the body and on the head, small teeth, and soft limbs. Manusmriti 3.10
The Mānava Grhyasutra 7.6-7 states that the bride must possess the following qualities: her family must be wealthy, she must be beautiful, she must be knowledgeable, she must be intelligent, and her family must be of good reputation. But, of these qualities, the least important is wealth, slightly more important is beauty and a little more important is her educational qualifications. But the most important are intelligence and the reputation of her family.
While some of these requirements might seem too fastidious or misogynist, many have a logical, scientific or a cultural basis.[4] For example, it is less likely that a lady from an illiterate and an uncultured family will be educated and cultured herself. Likewise, many physical and mental ailments are genetic in nature and are transmitted within families and lineages. But exceptions are there, which is why the same texts say –
Marry a gem of a girl even if she is from a debased family. Manusmriti 2.238
2.3 The Qualities in a Good Groom
And not just the bride, but the groom must also have a lot of desirable qualities before a family will consent to marry their daughter to him. Yama Smriti states that one must examine the following for fitness in a groom before marrying one’s daughter to him: Family background, personal character, physique, age, education, wealth and finally, his resourcefulness.[5] Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 1.3.20 states that the eligible bridegroom ought to have learning, a good character, he should keep company with virtuous friends and he should be modest.
In this regard, some verses may be quoted from the scriptures -
Wealth, family background, character, looks, education, strength and health – only after examining these in a prospective bridegroom should one give their daughter in marriage to him. It is always better to marry your daughter to a man whose family background etc. are superior. Shukranītisāra 3.167
It is proper to marry one’s daughter to even a poor man who is desirous of marriage if he has a good health, education and looks. Do not marry your daughter to someone who has only good looks, or only good health or only if he is wealthy. Shukranītisāra 3.168
First, examine the family background of the prospective groom. Then, his education and thereafter his health. And then, examine his character, wealth, looks and his place of residence one after the other. Marry your daughter to him only when all of these appear good. Shukranītisāra 3.169 In a marriage, the bride focusses on the looks of her groom, the bride’s mother on his wealth, her father on his education and other relatives on the greatness of his family background. Others
(wedding guests) care only about the delicacies served during the celebrations. Shukranītisāra 3.170
The groom should also have the same good qualities as the bride, he should be of the same Varṇa as the bride and learned in the Vedas. As far as possible, his virility should be ascertained, and he should be young, wise and loving. Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.55
But if a better suitor is found, then even a girl who is has been engaged earlier can be taken back and betrothed to the second suitor. Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.65b
It is difficult for a poor married couple to lead a happy life. As in all traditional societies, the onus is on the groom who would be husband and father to ensure that he can provide for his family-
If a man marries a wife without first acquiring wealth, his married life becomes a torment, and he does not achieve any fulfillment on the paths of Dharma, Artha or Kāma. Bhavishya Purāṇa 1.6.13 A husband who has no money undergoes great difficulties in his married life. Therefore, a man should exert himself to earn money before he gets married. Bhavishya Purāṇa 1.3.6
Quite clearly, it is the parents and other elders in the family who are primarily responsible for evaluating prospective boys as suitable husbands for their daughter. Even in modern times, the parents look for these qualities before they will consider the boy or the girl as an acceptable match for their child.
Conversely, an unsuitable man must be rejected as a potential groom for one’s daughter and the criteria are-
One must not marry a daughter to someone whose family background, place of origin, lineage, wealth, character and age are not known. Padma Purāṇa 4.26.24
Do not marry your daughter to a man who lives too near or far, who is too rich or too poor, who has no means of livelihood or who is a fool. Skanda Purāṇa, Kedāra Khaṇda 23.7
There is commonsensical wisdom in the guidance that the groom should neither live too far nor too close to the bride’s parental home. If they live to close, there will be constant mutual interference between the two households. Conversely, if they bride lives too far from her parental home, she will lose touch with her biological family and cannot count on their quick help in times of need.
Our Rishis declare that it is better for a woman to stay unmarried rather than betroth an unsuitable man-
The maiden, though marriageable, should rather stop in her father’s home until death, that that he should give her to a man destitute of good qualities. Manusmriti 9.89
Unfortunately, some Hindu parents forget this recommendation, treat their unmarried daughter as a burden or fear that society might castigate them for having a spinster in their home and thereby marry her to an unsuitable groom. Secondly, the bride is often blamed for ‘changing our son for the worse’ by possessive parents of the groom. Although the role of a good wife in the well-being of a family and her influence on the children of the couple cannot be over-stated, Hindu scriptures also declare that a virtuous and noble husband can steer her wife in the right direction (or vice versa).
Whatever be the qualities of the man with whom a woman is married according to Dharma, such very qualities she too assumes, like a river united with the ocean. Manusmriti 9.22
For this reason, it is important for both the groom and bride to be noble and virtuous for the success of the family that they will build together later.
2.4 Appropriate Age for Marriage
Some Smriti texts state that a father who does not betroth her daughter before she starts menstruating is guilty of (as if) abortion. The normative age at which a woman starts menstruating is regarded as 12 years in Hindu medical texts.[6] It is urged that if a lady is not betrothed by her parents when she starts menstruating, she should wait for another three years, and then in the fourth year (i.e., in her sixteenth year of age), she can marry of her own choice.
A girl should wait for three years after the onset of puberty; but after that time, she should find a husband of the same social class (varṇa). Manusmriti 9.90
If a girl who has not been given in marriage finds a husband by herself, she incurs no guilt whatsoever, and neither does the man she finds. Manusmriti 9.91
Another text also states-
A menstruating woman should wait for three years for marriage (and if not married off by her relatives, then) and then in the fourth, select someone of her own choice as her husband.
Mahābhārata 13.44.16
The cohabitation of such a woman with her husband, and their children are not considered lowly. But a lady who does not wait for at least three years is considered condemnable by Prajāpati. Mahābhārata 13.44.17
The medical texts too state the following-
Till one does not reach their sixteenth year, he/she is a child. Hārīta Saṃhitā, Shārīrasthāna 1.3
On completing his education by the 25th year, a man should marry a girl of sixteen so that he may discharge his debt towards his forefathers and fulfill Dharma, Artha, Kāma and beget progeny. The offspring of a girl below the age of sixteen by a man below the age of twenty-five is usually found to die in the womb. Such a child, in the event of its being born alive, dies a premature death, or else becomes very weak in its organs. Therefore, a girl of an extremely tender age must not be impregnated at all. Sushruta Saṃhitā, Shārīrasthāna 10.54-55
If a very young woman indulges in sexual activity, her thighs, waist and other limbs become diseased, her groin get injured, and she gets pain in her back. Charaka Saṃhitā, Chikitsāsthāna
30.20
Thus, the life of a woman was divided into three stages of which the middle stage started at the age of 16 or 17 years[7] and the Ayurvedic texts clarified[8] that it was only in this middle stage that she was fit for giving birth to viable progeny. In the same way, the life of the male was also divided into three stages and it was only in the middle stage that he was considered appropriate to give birth to children-
….whereby in their early age the seed is not productive, whereby in their middle age the seed is productive, and whereby in their last age of life the seed is not productive. Atharvaveda, Gopatha Brāhmaṇa 1.3.7
From these texts, it is understood that Hindu scriptures did not permit consummation of the marriage till the bride was at least in her puberty, and strongly recommended that she be at least in her sixteenth or seventeenth year of age. This ensured that both the mother and the child stay healthy and did not die due to pregnancy or/during childbirth. Interestingly, the lower limit of the biological father is also prescribed in these texts as 25 years as seen above, which is historically higher than the actual practice among Hindus.[9]
What was the reality in pre-modern India? During British rule, the average age of girls and boys at marriage was 13-14 years and 19-20 respectively per census data.[10] In summary therefore, the recommendations of the Smriti texts appear ridiculous with respect to the age of women at the time of their betrothal; Hindu medical texts and actual practice present a more acceptable view of the right age for the bride and the groom to get married. It must not be inferred that young girls were married off to elderly males to any considerable
extent in the Hindu society. It may be noted that in modern India, the lowest legal age permitted for marriage is 18 years for women and 21 for men.
Interfaith Perspectives: In the Islamic tradition, girls can be married off at the age of nine or older and the marriage can be consummated with a nine year old girl as well. The precedent cited is that the Islamic Prophet Muhammad, at the age of fifty-three, married Ayesha who was then a six year old girl. And he had intercourse with her three years later. No clear guidance is seen in the scriptures of the other Abrahamic religions.
2.5 Genetic Requirements
There are two genetic requirements that must be fulfilled before a couple marry each other. The first is that they must be separated genetically sufficiently.
A bride who is neither a Sapinda on the mother’s side, nor belongs to the same family (Gotra) on the father’s side, is recommended to twice-born men for wedlock and conjugal union. Manusmriti
3.5
This of course ensures that diseases that are passed in family lineages do not get amplified in progeny because of close genetic proximity of the parents.[11]
The second requirement was that the families of the groom or the bride must be free of certain illnesses. Illustrative verses to this effect were cited in earlier sections.
Deviant Marriages Among Hindus: As against these scriptural injunctions, some Hindu communities permit marriages among close blood relations. These will be discussed later.
Interfaith Perspectives: In the Islamic world, cross-cousin marriages are extremely common. Since the inception of Islam in the 7th century CE, over 70 generations in some Muslim societies have seen marriages between cousins resulting in an abnormally high number of mental and physical deformities in children, compared to the non-Muslim societies. In recent decades, staunch Islamic countries like Saudi Arabia have therefore passed laws discouraging or banning marriage between close relatives.
3.0 Types of Marriages mentioned in Hindu Scriptures
3.1 Eight Types of Betrothal
Hindu scriptures list eight types of marriages prevalent in the ancient Indian society but recommend only a few types out of them as desirable. Many Smriti texts describe these various types of marriage and we restrict ourselves to Manusmriti for illustrative purposes-
1. Brāhma Marriage: This marriage is considered the best of all types and recognizes the superiority of knowledge and good conduct over all other parameters of eminence like wealth, family lineage, physical looks etc. As the Vedas are considered the highest knowledge and of Divine origin, a groom possessing that knowledge and of virtuous conduct is considered a coveted groom for one’s daughter, who must be invited to marry her-
The gift of a daughter, after decking her (with costly garments) and honoring (her by presents of jewels), to a man learned in the Veda and of good conduct, whom (the father) himself invites, is called the Brāhma rite. Manusmriti 3.27
In ancient texts, examples of this type of wedding are Manu’s daughter with Rishi Kardama, Anasūyā with Rishi Vashiṣhtha and so on.[12] It is obvious that such a marriage was observed primarily among the learned Brahmana clans and is largely defunct today in the Hindu society. A modern version of this would be the parents of a marriageable daughter taking her wedding proposal to a very scholarly and noble young man with great honor and respect towards him and his family. In the present materialistic world where fame, wealth and social standing count above knowledge and even character, one can expect that marriages of this type will be rare.
2. Daiva Marriage: This type of wedding recognizes the importance of Dhārmic deeds, of which the ability to officiate at Vedic religious ceremonies is pre-eminent.
The gift of a daughter who has been decked with ornaments, to a priest who duly officiates at a
Yajna, during the course of its performance, they call the Daiva rite. Manusmriti 3.28
The groom in question here is not simply an ordinary priest but one who can officiate at a Yajna involving many other participants. In modern times (as well as in ancient times), the income of Hindu Purohits is (was) not significant and they often live(d) in poverty. As the world becomes more materialistic, devout Hindus today therefore hesitate to get their daughters married to Purohits.
3. Ārṣha Marriage: This type of marriage is associated with the Rishi-s. In this wedding, the groom approaches the bride’s parents and ceremoniously offers a bovine couple or two and marries the bride-
When (the father) gives away his daughter according to the rule, after receiving from the bridegroom, for (the fulfillment of) the sacred law, a cow and a bull or two pairs, that is named the Ārsha rite. Manusmriti 3.29
However, the scriptures are quick to emphasize that this is not a barter of commodities, because the daughter is not a piece of property that can be sold, gifted or bartered away. Therefore, the acceptance of the gift from the groom is merely symbolic, a formality, and not an actual bride price-
No father who knows (the law) must take even the smallest gratuity for his daughter; for a man who, through greed, takes a gratuity, is a seller of his offspring. Manusmriti 3.51
Some call the cow and the bull (given) at an Ārsha wedding ‘a gratuity;’ but that is wrong because the acceptance of a fee, be it small or great, is a sale of the daughter. Manusmriti 3.53
It is declared in the Veda that at the time of marriage a gift, for (the fulfillment of) his wishes should be made (by the bridegroom) to the father of the bride, in order to fulfil the law……..In reference to those (marriage-rites) the word ‘sale’ (which occurs in some Smritis) is only used as a
metaphorical expression; for the union (of the husband and wife) is effected through the Dharma (and not through a monetary transaction).” Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.5.11.12
‘Those wicked fathers who, attracted by greed give away a daughter for a fee, who (thus) sell themselves and commit a great crime, fall (upon death) into a dreadful place of punishment and destroy their own family down to the seventh (generation). Moreover they will repeatedly die and be born again. All (this) is declared (to happen), if a fee (is taken).’ Baudhāyana Dharmasūtra
1.11.21.3
To clarify further, and remove any illusions that acceptance of gifts by the groom is the bride price, the scriptures declare that the bride’s male relatives must not use, for their personal benefit, any gift that is given by the groom to her father-
But those male relations, who in their folly, live on the separate property of women, (i.e., appropriate) the beasts of burden, carriages, and clothes of women, commit sin and will sink into hell. Manusmriti 3.52
To conclude-
When the relatives do not appropriate for their use the gratuity given, it is not a sale; in that case the gift is only a token of respect and of kindness towards the maidens. Manusmriti 3.54
It is of course a historical fact that some greedy and unscrupulous people would sell their daughters to their ‘husbands’, but the Sages have mocked at this social practice by declaring the undignified status of these wives-
Now they also quote (the following verses): ‘It is declared that a female who has been purchased for money is not a wife. She cannot (assist) at sacrifices offered to the gods or the manes. Kashyapa has stated that she is a slave.’ Baudhāyana Dharmasūtra 1.11.21.2
The fact is that the Hindu tradition is extremely emphatic that despite known cases of sale and purchase of children,
The gift (or acceptance of a child) and the right to sell (or buy) a child are not recognized. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.5.11.11
This discussion should also dispel the notion that ‘Kanyādāna’ or ‘gift of the daughter to the groom’ is demeaning to daughters because it treats them as a piece of property that is being gifted. See below for further comments on this topic.
4. Prajāpātya Marriage: At the beginning of the creation, Prājāpati Brahmā admonished all human beings to do their duties according to Dharma and prosper through mutual collaboration, and give and take.
Nakula said to Yudhishthira: The sinless Prajāpati created all creatures with the intent that ‘These will perform my worship by performing yajnas and give different types of priestly fee (dakshiṇā).’
Mahābhārata 12.12.20
Nakula said to Yudhishthira: These acts (yajnas) circumscribe householders within certain limits (of Dharma). Therefore in this world, the Dharma of a householder is the most difficult to perform, and to become eligible for. Mahābhārata 12.12.22
The fourth kind of wedding focuses on the Divine command to the married couple to perform their Dharma together and is therefore called Prajāpātya.
The gift of a daughter (by her father) after he has addressed (the couple) with the text, ‘May both of you perform together your duties,’ and has shown honor (to the bridegroom), is called in the Smriti the Prajāpātya rite. Manusmriti 3.30
This form of marriage reflects the typical Hindu wedding in which the elders admonish the bride and the groom to follow Dharma as a couple towards each other, towards their elders, children, the society and so on.
5. Āsura Marriage: In the Hindu tradition, materialism is associated with Asura-s. These base individuals are always pre-occupied with fame, money and other mundane matters in preference to Dharma and Moksha. Therefore, a marriage that is nothing but a monetary transaction and in which considerations of Dharma, knowledge, virtuous conduct etc. take a back seat is named after the Asura-s:
When (the bridegroom) receives a maiden, after having given as much wealth as he can afford, to the kinsmen and to the bride herself, according to his own will, that is called the Āsura rite. Manusmriti 3.31
In the modern context, one can think of marriages between industrial houses and other wealthy families where the primary concern is preservation and multiplication of their wealth. ‘Marrying rich’ without regard to the character or intellect of the spouse will also fall within this category.
6. Gāndharva Marriage: The Hindu tradition talks of Gandharva-s as beings who are very fond of music, are physically very attractive and are given to lust and desires. Therefore, a marriage based on mutual attraction or love is named after them-
The voluntary union of a maiden and her lover one must know (to be) the Gāndharva rite, which springs from desire and has sexual intercourse for its purpose. Manusmriti 3.32
Examples from Hindu scriptures are that of Shakuntalā with King Duṣhyanta, Sāvitrī with Prince Satyavān, Subhadrā with Arjuna (in Mahābhārata); King Pururava and Urvaṣhī in the Vedic literature and so on. In the modern context, this marriage is of the couples who marry after a premarital or extra-marital sexual relationship, or due to mutual physical attraction, or even due to mutual love that is platonic.
7. Rākshasa Marriage: People who are extremely violent, aggressive and cruel were referred to as Rākshasa-s. During wars, riots and so on, it was and is still seen that women are kidnapped and are forcibly married by their abductors.
The forcible abduction of a maiden from her home, while she cries out and weeps, after (her kinsmen) have been slain or wounded and (their houses) have broken open, is called the Rākshasa rite. Manusmriti 3.33
Scriptures like Yājnvalkya Smriti 1.61 state that these ‘marriages’ happen mainly with maidens captured as war booty. Another example is the kidnapping of maidens from their ‘Svayamvara’ (wedding in which the bride seeks her own groom from among numerous suitors present at her father’s court), like the kidnapping of Ambā, Ambikā and Ambālikā by Bhīṣhma in the Mahābhārata.
In the modern, civilized worldview, such a ‘marriage’ would be called a ‘rape’, but in ancient times, the kidnapped woman would often reconcile to her ill-fate and continue to live with her captor as his ‘wife’. Note that this type of marriage does not include cases where the bride is abducted by her own will. This could happen when her family members wanted her to marry someone against her own wish, due to which she requested the man she wanted to marry to come and rescue her. An example is that of Princess Subhadrā whose elder brother Balarāma wanted her to marry a Kaurava against her wishes. When other brother Krishna learned of her love for the Pāṇdava Arjuna, he conspired with them so that Arjuna came in a chariot and ‘abducted’ her away from her home to marry her.
8. Pishācha Marriage: Ghouls, who consume filthy food and drink and have unclean and uncivilized ways are called ‘Pishācha’ in the Hindu tradition. A ‘marriage’ that reflects their behavior is therefore named after them-
When (a man) by stealth seduces a girl who is sleeping, intoxicated, or disordered in intellect, that is the eighth, the most base and sinful rite of the Pishāchas. Manusmriti 3.34
These are unequivocally condemned in the Hindu scriptures and the few examples all led to a disaster. For example Daṇda, the son of King Ikshavāku kidnapped Arajā, the daughter of Shukra who cursed the prince to death.[13] In modern civilized societies, such marriages are considered rape and they are condemned in the Hindu tradition as well.
3.2 Validity of Different Types of Marriage
Some Smriti texts suggest that the acceptability or non-acceptability of these eight types of marriages depends on the social class of the couple. For example, Kshatriyas can win women as war booty and marry them. But other Smriti texts declare that only the first four marriages are acceptable. One reason given for this is as follows-
From the four marriages, (enumerated) successively, which begin with the Brāhma rite spring sons, radiant with knowledge of the Veda and honored by the Shishtas (good men). Manusmriti 3.39 Endowed with the qualities of beauty and goodness, possessing wealth and fame, obtaining as many enjoyments as they desire and being most righteous, they will live a hundred years. Manusmriti 3.40
But from the remaining (four) blamable marriages spring sons who are cruel and speakers of untruth, who hate the Veda and the sacred law. Manusmriti 3.41
In the blameless marriages, blameless children are born to men, in blamable (marriages) honorable
(offspring) are born. Therefore one should avoid the blamable forms of marriage. Manusmriti 3.42
Beyond the first four types, some accept the Gāndharva also a valid type of marriage-
Some recommend the Gāndharva mode of wedding for all Varṇa-s because it is based on (mutual) affection. Baudhāyana Dharmasūtra 1.11.20.16
3.3 Interfaith Perspectives
In Hindu Dharma, Marriage is a ‘saṃskāra’ or a purifying rite of passage, which enables human beings to live out and fulfill Dharma. The union of a man and a woman as a couple replicates the pair of the Divine with the Physical Universe (Prakriti); or the pair of Divine Couples like Shiva-Pārvatī, Vishnu-Lakshmī, Rāma-Sītā and so on. For this reason, the married couple must not defile their union through mutualquarrels, ill-will, infidelity etc. Most other sacred traditions like Christianity etc., too perceive the wedding in a similar way. The Islamic perspective, however, is different.
In Islam, marriage is seen as a contract that can be dissolved. At the time of the wedding, the groom settles a contract price that he is entitled to pay to his wife if he divorces her. By fixing this price, he gains the right to have sexual relations with her while they are married, per the Islamic texts. From a Hindu perspective, a marriage is a union of two ātmā-s and it must not be reduced to a contractual relationship.
In some sects of Islam like the Shia, a temporary marriage known as ‘Nihah Mut’ah’ is also permitted wherein a man publicly agrees to pay a woman to be his wife and sexual partner for as short a time as a few hours.[14] From a non-Muslim perspective, such a pleasure marriage is but legalized prostitution.
3.4 Modern Perspectives: Arranged Marriages versus Love Marriages
In modern times, Hindus primarily practice only two types of marriages: arranged marriages, as well as love marriages. These respectively correspond to the Prajāpātya and Gāndharva forms of marriage in ancient times.
The philosophy and procedure behind arranged Hindu marriages is explained briefly by a scholar in the following words –
“In Hinduism, marriage is viewed as the beginning of a responsible and purposeful life. This makes the selection of marriage partners for a Hindu marriage very crucial. In order to minimize the chance of error in selecting a suitable life companion, family-arranged marriages have been a common practice in Hindu culture. An arranged marriage is one where preliminary selection of a marriage partner, for their son or daughter, is made by the parents or elders in the family. Ideally, the parents or elders use their experience in assessing the intellectual, social, psychological, and moral computability of the potential spouses. If the preliminary assessment indicates that the potential spouses are compatible, they are introduced to each other for their individual consent. At this stage, the potential spouses may send some time together (e.g. go out together for an afternoon or evening of recreation) in order to come to their decision.”16
It is a myth that arranged marriage involves forcible marriage of unwilling bride and groom. In western societies, arranged weddings were the norm till a couple of generations back, although today, the couple are largely responsible for finding their own life-partner. In such a milieu, it is difficult for many modern people to understand that in many cases, the bride and groom could simply defer to their parents and trust their judgment in finding them the best life-partner because they believe that their parents have their best interests in their heart.
The Benefits of an Arranged Marriage
1. The fact of life is that marriage is not just the union of two individuals, but also of two families. Even in the very individualistic Western societies, the married life of a couple is easier if their respective family members get along well with each other. In an arranged marriage, the family members automatically explore mutual compatibility.
2. The families of the bride and groom are involved in the arrangement of the marriage, and then in the lives of the couple after they are husband and wife. This factor ensures that the couple have a more stable married life and are less likely to divorce. When conflicts arise between the husband and wife, the parents frequently intervene and help in the process of reconciliation. On the other hand, love marriages do not always have active involvement of the parents and their calming influence during spousal conflicts might be absent.
3. The Hindu society follows certain rules in arranging marriages of individuals. One of these rules is that the boy and the girl both cannot belong to the same ‘gotra’ or lineage. This ensures that genetic defects that result from marriages between two closely related partners are minimized.
4. In a society where arranged marriages are the norm, parents take their responsibility of marrying their children seriously. They use their networks to shortlist suitable matches for their son/daughter from a far greater pool of individuals than their own children can. This ensures that the number of individuals who stay unmarried into their old ages (due to non-availability of a suitable life partner) is lower than in a society where individuals rely largely on dating to find their spouses.
5. The system of arranged marriages enables individuals to settle down in their lives professionally at a much earlier age than in societies where they have to find their own spouse. This is because in the former case, the college graduate can focus directly and wholly to his career instead of searching for a potential spouse. He or she can leave that responsibility to the parents and then select one from among the shortlisted candidates. In arranged marriages, parents are heavily invested and therefore, they are more likely to support their child financially in the early years of his or her married life. This is very helpful to the young couple as they embark upon their new careers and do not have very many financial means to support their daily lives.
The Harms of Arranged marriages
1. Sometimes, parents can be too over-bearing and force their children to marry someone their child does not want to. This leads to an unhappy marriage, and the youngster is married against his or own will, causing a lot of unhappiness to many people in the long run.
2. The criteria that the parents use to select a spouse for their child might sometimes be very different from their child’s criteria. This can result in several successive disagreements between the child and the parents over a suitable life partner for the former.
In the Hindu tradition, there are several examples where girls, who were being married against their wishes to someone they did not like, were rescued by their groom, or were helped to elope with their suitor. For example, Rukmani was being forcibly married to Shishupāla, the King of Chedi. She wrote to Krishna, whom she loved, to rescue her and marry her. Krishna came on a chariot, and per a pre-determined plan, she eloped with him and the two married. Similarly, Krishna’s sister Subhadrā loved Arjuna but her elder brother Balarāma wanted his sister to marry King Duryodhana. Once again, Krishna conspired with Arjuna and she eloped with Arjuna to marry him.
Combination of Love and Arranged Marriages
In many cases, the Hindu society exhibits a happy combination of a love marriage and an arranged marriage. This happens when a young man or woman find their own match. Instead of marrying without involvement of their parents, they approach their parents for an approval. The two sets of parents then meet with each other as families. If everything appears compatible and acceptable, they give their approval. The marriage ceremony is then conducted per the established family traditions.
The view that mutual affection is an important factor to consider in the marriage of a couple is indicated by the following scriptural passage, also noted above-
Some recommend the Gāndharva mode of wedding for all Varṇa-s because it is based on (mutual) affection. Baudhāyana Dharmasūtra 1.11.20.16
4.0 The Hindu Wedding Ceremony
4.1 Major steps in the marriage
1. Invitations are sent to near and dear ones. The first invitation is often presented to Bhagavān, the next to the in-laws of one’s child who is going to get married. The invitation is sent out in the name of the eldest member (on father’s side) of one’s family.
2. Preparing the Wedding Venue: On the wedding day, the guests are welcomed with traditional music. The wedding pavilion has the following:
a. A square altar inside a square enclosure raised with four pillars. These four pillar represent the four parents (two each of the bride and the groom) who have supported them all along so far. At the four corners of the altar are the placed four pots representing the four directions.
b. Flowers are used for decoration, and represent happiness and fragrance in all the seasons.
c. Grains are kept in vessels and in the area, to symbolize prosperity in their married lives.
3. Welcome the Groom’s Family: The wedding venue is hosted by the bride’s family. The groom’s party is welcomed by his would be mother in law, and other elders. The groom breaks a small earthen pot that is filled with curds, sugar, honey, ghee, cotton seeds – representing the different flavors and needs of life. Breaking of the pot indicates that he will ensure these in plenty for his family after marriage.
4. Ganesha Pūjā: To remove any obstacles in the wedding ceremony, and in the married life later.
5. Mangala-Shlokas: Verses of blessing for the couple are chanted by the priest, and family and friends.
6. Arrival of the Bride: The Bride comes to the altar accompanied by her bridal maids, and sometimes, brothers.
7. Varamālā: The bride and the groom exchange garlands on each other.
8. Oonchal: In southern parts of India, the bride and the bridegroom before their wedding are seated on a swing which is then swayed back and forth. The women of the households sing the ‘Laali’ songs. Water and lamps are swayed around the spring to guard the couple against evil influences. The swaying of the spring back and forth signifies to the couple that life always moves between the two extremes of joys and sorrows, good times and bad times, and birth and death. The strings holding the swing signify the fact that even though we might not know, we are bound by the fetters of Karma, and these fetters are of Karma are held by Bhagavān above us.
9. Havan/Homam: Lighting the Fire Altar and Invoking the Presence of Divine Witnesses. The couple jointly pour many different offerings into the Agni, including different herbs, wooden twigs, grains and ghee to obtain Divine blessings.
10. Kanyādānam and Paṇigrahaṇa: The bride places her right palm on the right palm of the groom. The bride’s father (or her brother if the father is not alive), ceremoniously ‘gives’ the bride to the groom. The bride’s father makes the groom make a commitment that in his pursuit of Dharma, Artha and Kama, he will never ignore the welfare or disobey the wishes of his daughter who will marry him. The groom holding the hand of the bride symbolizes that they are now united as a couple. He chants the following mantra at the prompting of the Pundit:
“I take your hand in mine for the sake of our happiness. May you live with me, your husband, together into our old age. The Devas have given you to me to rule our home. You are the queen of my home. You are the lyrics, and I am the melody. You are the earth, and I am the sun. I request you to come and marry me.”
The groom then touches the heart of the bride with his hand and says,
Whatever is in your heart, let the same be in my heart; whatever is in my heart, may the same be in your heart. Sāmaveda, Chhāndogya Mantra-Brahmaṇa 1.3.9
11. Lājā Homa/Havan: The couple offer puffed rice into the holy fire, with their palms clasped together while pouring the grains.
12. Pherā or Pradakshinā: The hems of the garment of the bride and the groom are tied in a knot. Then, the couple circumambulate the fire four times. The first three rounds are led by the groom in the front, and the fourth is led by the bride. The four rounds respectively represent Dharma, Artha, Kāma and Moksha. The ceremony signifies that the groom will take the lead the household in the family’s pursuits of the first three goals, whereas the last round led by the wife signifies that Moksha for the couple is impossible without the involvement of the wife. During each round, the brother of the bride pours some rice into her palm, signifying that he will support her whenever she falls in dire straits. Some of these rice grains slide into the groom’s palms, and then into the fire, implying that he will support the groom as well, after he is married to her sister, if needed. In some parts of India, the culmination of the fourth round signifies that the couple are considered married. Sometimes, the couple take seven rounds, but the last three rounds have no significance in the Hindu scriptures.
13. Ashmārohana (Mounting the Rock): The groom bends, and holds the toe of the left foot of the bride. Then, he helps her step onto to a rock or a grindstone that is kept to the right of the yajnaaltar. The mantras uttered at that time signify that despite all difficulties and challenges that the couple might face in their lives, they will remain loyal and steadfast towards each other, and like a firm rock, they will remain strong.
14. Saptapadī: The seven steps together symbolize that the husband and wife will collectively pursue the following seven goals of their married life:[15]
i. Food, so that their family stays nourished.
ii. For strength – physical, mental, emotional, so that the family remains united and happy. iii. Wealth, so that there is financial security for the family. iv. Mutual commitment for a happy married life.
v. String and healthy children for continuing the family lineage.
vi. Pleasure and enjoyment throughout the year.
vii. Friendship, being each other’s confidante and companions for life.
With the seventh step, be my friend; may I acquire your friendship; may I not be separated from your friendship. May you not withhold your friendship from me; do not withhold your friendship. Sāmaveda, Chhāndogya Mantra-Brahmaṇa 1.2.7
15. Wedding Vows: In some Hindu societies, the Pundit makes the groom take the same seven vows that Devi Pārvatī made Bhagavān Shiva take at the time of their wedding. These vows include the commitment that the husband will bring his entire income and give it to his wife (i.e., not spend it per his own whims), that she will have the supreme authority in how she will run the household and so on. The groom also makes commitments that he will love her and will unite his heart and mind with hers.
16. Maṇgalasūtra: The groom ties a necklace of black beads and a gold ornament for his wife’s welfare, and commitment and love towards her. The black beads represent either the Tulsi beads, or are considered as small representations of the Shivalinga, are symbolically ward of any evil away from the bride. The golden pendant signify that the bride is now ready to be a mother because she is a married woman.
17. Sindoor: The groom smears the parting of the bride’s hair with the red vermillion powder. Sometimes, this ceremony alone is considered sufficient to consider the couple married in the court of law in India.
18. Blessings to the Married Couple: Guests, including members of both the families throw unbroken rice grains coated with turmeric and saffron and flowers for their happiness and prosperity, as well as wishes for a happy married life with numerous children.
19. Farewell to the Bride:
20. Welcome of the Bride at the Groom’s Home: The ladies of the groom’s family welcome their bride at their doorstep with the singing of songs, gifts and an ārati. She is asked to topple a pitcher full of grains before she enters the home, to signify that her entry into the household will bring prosperity and happiness. In the next few days, women from the neighborhood and family visit the couple’s home, and give gifts to the bride.
Here (in husband’s home) be your stay, here is your own support, here your pleasure, here may you be joyful. In me is your stability, in me may you find your support, your pleasure and your joy. Sāmaveda, Chhāndogya Mantra-Brahmaṇa 1.3.14
21. Dhruva-Arundhati Tārā Darshana: During the first night after the bride reaches her husband’s home, the groom takes her outside and points to the Arundhati star in the Saptarshi constellation. Arundhati was the extremely devoted and virtuous wife of Rishi Vashishtha, and this act signifies that the groom aspires similar qualities in her. Then, he points to the Dhruva star (the Pole star) which does not sever from its location. Through this act, he points to her that he will never sever in his loyalty, love and commitment to her, and that they will together never sever from their faith and love for Bhagavān.
22. Worship of Kuladevī/Kuladevatā: The newly married couple are required to marry the family Deity early next morning. Or if the groom’s family traditionally worships at a particular temple, they travel to the same to perform a Pūjā to get Divine blessings.
23. Games: To break the ice and introduce the bride and the groom to each other, and to his family members, some light-hearted games are organized. For instance, they break paapad (crispy crapes) on each other heads. Or a contest as to who will find a ring immersed in a tray of milk and other substances. Or wrenching a betel nut from each other’s hands. The gathered family and friends make fun of the couple, and participate in cheering and jeering.
4.2 Is Kanyādāna a sale of One’s Daughter?
Ancient Hindu poets[16] say that the birth of a daughter made her parents weep, because as soon as they saw her face for the first time, they realized that their precious jewel would eventually leave them and live with someone else. Daughters were therefore traditionally regarded as ‘parāyā dhana’ or ‘a treasure that really belongs to someone else’. At seeing their daughters leave their homes and proceed to their husband’s abode, parents are filled with grief.[17] At the time of her wedding therefore, her father or her brother ritually ‘gifted’ their most precious diamond (i.e., their daughter/sister) to her husband, after extracting promises that he would always take good care of her even if he has to forsake his life, just as her father and brother had done earlier. The ceremony is called ‘kanyādānaṃ’ or the ‘gift of one’s daughter’ and is regarded as the greatest of all acts of ‘charity’.
Kanyādānaṃ, or the ritual ‘gift’ of one’s daughter to a qualified groom during their wedding is considered one of the greatest acts of charity in the Hindu scriptures-
The merit of gifting one’s daughter (kanyaadaana) never diminishes. Atri Samhitā 1.336 The father who adorns his daughter with ornaments and gifts her with great honor to a groom worthy of her according to the conventions of the Brāhma marriage – such a father, through the act of gifting his daughter attains great religious merit, is praised by virtuous men and obtains great glory. Samvartta Smriti 61-62
When a father gifts his daughter to a worthy suitor with the performance of Vedic rites, he attains the same fruit as is obtained by performance of 10,000 Jyotishtoma and Atrirātra Vedic yajnas. Samvartta Smriti 63
The father who gifts beautiful food, clothes and ornaments to his daughter, and thereby honors her, and contributes to her prosperity and happiness – such a father goes to Heaven. Samvartta Smriti 64
The ceremony of kanyādānaṃ puts many modern Hindus, especially daughters at unease because they consider it demeaning that daughters should be considered as a commodity that can be gifted. However, this apprehension is completely misplaced.
However, Hindu scriptures are quick to emphasize that the ‘gift’ of daughters is merely a religious formality and it does not imply at all that women are commodities that can be sold and purchased (cf. Pūrva Mīmāṃsā Sūtras 6.1.15 sqq.). Manusmriti 9.93 explicitly prohibits sale of a daughter. Likewise, Manusmriti 3.53 promises hell for parents and other relatives who sell their daughter in exchange for commodities as if she were a piece of property. Refer to discussion under Ārṣha Marriage in section 3.0 above for more details that clarify that children are not considered the property of parents.
If the daughter were a mere commodity who could be gifted away, then the husband would logically become her owner after their wedding. But in fact, the Mantras recited during the wedding constantly remind the groom that she is his friend, who must be consulted on every important matter, and her consent in every important household decision that the husband takes is required. E.g., when King Janaka married his daughter Sita to Bhagavān Rama, he asked his son-in-law to make Sitā a partner in all his endeavors in life, and treat her living like a dear friend and confidante.
An interesting ceremony immediately after the kanyādānaṃ is the giving of a low value coin by the groom’s family to the bride’s parent in return for their daughter-in-law. The low value of the coin indicates that the bride is priceless, and they can never repay her parents for receiving her into their own family. And therefore, they shall remain indebted forever to her parents for giving them a most precious jewel to adorn the groom’s family.
4.3 The Evil Non-Hindu Custom of Dowry
In modern times, the evil social custom of dowry has spread in many Hindu communities. Under this custom, the bride’s parents are asked to give expensive gifts and cash to the groom’s parents, as a business transaction, before the wedding is solemnized. In many cases, the groom’s family continues to harass the bride even after the wedding and asks her family to keep sending expensive gifts to them under every small pretext.
There have been even hundreds of cases of ‘dowry deaths’, where the evil family members of the husband have murdered the wife if her parents were not able to satisfy them with expensive gifts. Kitchen fires are possible only with a kerosene stove or gas cylinders. Till my own childhood in New Delhi (the capital of India), the use of coal and firewood was seen in homes in our own neighborhood. Dowry murders are not specifically a Hindu custom or even just an Indian evil. They are seen in Pakistan and Bangladesh too (and almost all in Muslim families in these countries).[18] The dowry death I personally recall most vividly was that of my Christian school teacher’s daughter who married into another Christian family. In India, dowry deaths were most prevalent in Punjab and the Sikhs and Muslims accounted for a disproportionate share of
these incidents compared to their actual proportion of the Indian population. So why should all social evils in India get blamed at the door of Hinduism?
The custom of dowry itself has no sanction in the Hindu traditions, and is outlawed in India. In fact, scholars point out that it is a transplant from European societies into the Indian society.[19] This evil custom is prevalent in all religious communities of India – Hindu, Jain, Sikh, Christian and Muslim. All communities have recorded numerous cases of dowry deaths in the last few centuries. Ironically, the groom’s family sell their own son, so to speak, when they ask the bride’s family to pay a price in the form of expensive gifts before and after the wedding.
In the ancient Indian society, women in most homes did not work due to which they were financially vulnerable. To make the wife financially secure, the Rishis instituted the custom of ‘streedhana’. At the time of the wedding, the parents of the bride showered her with gifts and expensive items that were her sole property.[20] The groom’s family too gave her gifts. Additionally, after the marriage, she could continue to receive gifts from her parents and family, as well as from her husband and his family. All these items, which could include jewelry, clothing, land or business ownership belonged solely to her. Her husband could use them only with her consent, and her in-laws were not allowed to use these at all. Streedhana was also a way for the bride’s family to partition their property and give a fair share to her at the time of her marriage.
4.4 Reverse Dowry: Bride-Price
Refer section 3.0 above, under the Ārṣha marriage, for discussion on rejection of the practice of bride-price in the Hindu tradition.
5.0 Duties of a Husband and Wife towards each other
Men and women form complement each other, just like heaven and earth, lyric and melody23. They are equal partners in married life. Sage Agastya tells his wife Lopamudra – “In this world, we will overcome all adversities if we two exert ourselves together.”[21] Soon after her wedding, the wife is requested to address a religious gathering or assembly.[22] For a husband, his wife is his own half[23] and is therefore called ardhānginī (‘half of oneself’). She was a comrade in life (sahacharī), an equal participant in performance of and in reaping fruits of good deeds (sahadharmiṇī).
5.1 Duties and Roles of a Husband
The following are some illustrative verses from scriptures that describe the duty and love of a husband towards his wife -
In the beginning, Brahmā cleaved one body into two halves. Vyāsa Smriti 2.12
From one half became a woman, and from the other half became man. The Vedas themselves say that a man does not become complete till he marries. Vyāsa Smriti 2.13
From one half, no progeny is born. ‘Procreate’ – such is the command of the Vedas. Indeed, the wife is as great as the entire earth, for she plays a vital role in the attainment of Dharma, Artha and Kāma, and only one who is ordained by the Divine to be her husband can marry her. Vyāsa Smriti 2.14
Therefore, the husband should always take care of his wife, lest she abandon him and find another protector. Vyāsa Smriti 2.15a
A man can withstand the torments of hell, but he cannot bear to see the hunger pangs of his wife and children. Bhaviṣhya Purāṇa 1.6.7
The husband must always protect and provide for his wife. Mārkaṇdeya Purāṇa 19.69
Just as a wife must never leave her husband, the husband must also never forsake his wife. Mārkaṇdeya Purāṇa 68.11
The man who abandons his wife cannot live in my kingdom. Nārada Purāṇa 2.21.37
If a husband abandons his wife who is obedient, skillful in her tasks, mother of brave sons and a polite speaker, the King should confiscate 1/3 of that man’s wealth and hand it over to the abandoned wife. If the husband is poor, then the King should instead ensure that the wife is given food and clothes by her errant husband. Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.76
He who does not make his young, innocent and simple wife happy is of evil nature and goes to hell. Nārada Purāṇa 2.7.64-65
The man whose wife is always unhappy goes to ruin even if he is wealthy and resourceful. Nārada Purāṇa 2.27.39
No man can completely guard women by force; but they can be guarded by the employment of the following expedients; Manusmriti 9.10
Let the husband employ his wife in the collection and expenditure of his wealth, in keeping everything clean, in the fulfillment of religious duties, in the preparation of food, and in looking after the household utensils. Manusmriti 9.11
Women, confined in the house under trustworthy and obedient servants, are not well guarded; but those who of their own accord keep guard over themselves are well guarded. Manusmriti 9.12 The husband receives his wife from the Devas, he does not wed her according to his own will; doing what is agreeable to the Devas, he must always support her while she is faithful. Manusmriti 9.95 To be mothers were women created, and to be fathers men; religious rites, therefore, are ordained in the Veda to be performed by the husband together with the wife. Manusmriti 9.96
The wife is one half of a man’s own self. She enables him to accomplish the goals of Dharma and other goals. Therefore, he must not cause her any pain, and must do anything against her wishes. Bhaviṣhya Purāṇa 1.8.37
Here (in husband’s home) be your stay, here is your own support, here your pleasure, here may you be joyful. In me is your stability, in me may you find your support, your pleasure and your joy. Sāmaveda, Chhāndogya Mantra-Brahmana 1.3.14
5.2 Duties and Roles of a Wife
Following are some scriptural verses that describe the duties of a wife and her love towards her husband-
She should always be cheerful and skillful in her domestic duties; she should keep everything in the home in excellent order and be economical in her spending. Manusmriti 5.150
The wife should be diligent in taking care of household goods, she should have a cheerful disposition always, must not spend too much, should respect her parents in law by touching their feet and should be always cooperative to her husband. Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.83
The wife who loves her husband, acts in a way that is beneficial to her husband, has a virtuous conduct and keeps her sense organs under control attains fame in this world and an exalted state in the next world. Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.87
A true wife manages the household affairs skillfully, speaks sweet pleasant words, solely dedicates herself to her husband and is loyally devoted to him. Garuḍa Purāṇa 1.108.18
For men, the wife alone is the foundation of domestic life provided she follows him as companion. And when the wife follows her husband and is obedient to him, no greater happiness can he derive in any other state of life, because he enjoys the fruits of Dharma, Artha and Kāma in that circumstance. Daksha Smriti 4.1-2
That wife who follows her husband, whose speech has no flaws, who is skillful in her tasks, virtuous, speaks sweetly, protects her modesty and is devoted to her husband – such a wife is not human, she is a Devī. Daksha Smriti 4.4
A wife must always dwell in the same place as her husband, whether the dwelling is poor or luxurious. Nārada Purāṇa 2.13.17
The wife is a man’s best friend, and benefits him in this life and the next. Brahma Purāṇa 129.107
For a man who is ill, there is no better medicinal herb than his own wife. Brahma Purāṇa 129.110 Just as a chariot with a single wheel or a bird with only one wing are incapacitated, in the same way, a husband without his wife is handicapped. Bhaviṣhya Purāṇa 1.6.30
Between the wives who bear children, who secure many blessings, who are worthy of worship and irradiate their dwellings; and between the Devi of fortune (Shri) who resides in the homes of humans, there is no difference whatsoever. Manusmriti 9.26
The birth of children, the nurturing of those born, and the daily life of men – of all these matters, women are the most visible cause and support. Manusmriti 9.27
Offspring, the due performance of religious ceremonies, faithful service, highest conjugal happiness and heavenly bliss for the ancestors and oneself – all these depend on one’s wife alone. Manusmriti 9.28
She who, controlling her thoughts, speech, and acts, violates not her duty towards her husband, dwells with him after death in heaven, and in this world is called by the virtuous a faithful wife (Sādhvī). Manusmriti 9.29
Some modern critics excoriate the Hindu tradition for denying equality and any agency to women. They typically cite verses like the one below-
Her father protects her in childhood; her husband protects her in youth; her sons protect her old age; a woman is not suited for independence. Manusmriti 9.3
Their criticism is one-sided when some succeeding verses are seen-
No man can completely guard women by force; but they can be guarded by the employment of the following expedients; Manusmriti 9.10
Let the husband employ his wife in the collection and expenditure of his wealth, in keeping everything clean, in the fulfillment of religious duties, in the preparation of food, and in looking after the household utensils. Manusmriti 9.11
Women, confined in the house under trustworthy and obedient servants, are not well guarded; but those who of their own accord keep guard over themselves are well guarded. Manusmriti 9.12
An entire section of verses in the same text glorifies the status of women in their father’s and husband’s families-
Women should be revered and adorned by those fathers, brothers, husbands, and brothers-in-law who wish for abundant prosperity. Manusmriti 3.55
Where women are revered, the Devas rejoice. But where they are not revered, all religious ceremonies are fruitless. Manusmriti 3.56
A family where women are unhappy soon perishes, but a family where they are happy always prospers. Manusmriti 3.57
Those homes cursed by the women of the family who are not honored perish completely, as if destroyed by witchcraft. Manusmriti 3.58
Therefore at all festivals and celebrations, the women should always be honored with ornaments, clothing, and delicacies by men who wish to prosper. Manusmriti 3.59
In that family where the husband is pleased with his wife and the wife with her husband, there is everlasting prosperity. Manusmriti 3.60
For if a woman is not radiant, she will not delight her husband, and when there is no delight for the man, no children will be born. Manusmriti 3.61
Indeed, when a woman is radiant, her entire family shines; but when she lacks radiance, everything loses luster. Manusmriti 3.62
No traditional society accorded the same rights or agency to both men and women per modern standards. At a spiritual plan, men as well as women have equal agency and rights. And even in the family and social realms, the prescriptions of texts like Manusmriti were more balanced than what the critics would have us believe, as summarized by a scholar-
“…..in the world of Manusmriti, while women were not regarded as conscientious and independent agents of responsible action in the moral universe, they nevertheless had an important role in society as wives and mothers and in this capacity they were not only to be respected, they had some rights too which the Manusmriti defined. If the commentators [critics] on the Manusmriti in the nineteenth and the twentieth century chose to be highly selective in their use of the Manusmriti, it only created a false impression of the kind of society that the Manusmriti represented. Perhaps it is important for the historian, if not for the political activist, to be accurate and comprehensive in selecting the evidence material from the past as also reporting upon the past without hiding any contrary evidence.”[24]
For more information on the duties of a husband and wife towards their children etc., refer to the sections below.
5.3 The Couple – One Half of Each Other
In the Vedas, A man is considered incomplete without his wife, and vice versa:
The wife is indeed half of one’s self; therefore, as long as a man does not secure a wife and beget a child, he remains incomplete. When a man gets a wife and begets progeny, only then he becomes complete. Yajurveda, Mādhyandina Shatapatha Brahmana 5.2.1.10
Even at the time of the wedding, the groom declares how he and his bride complement each other and will remain happy with each other-
I am the melody and you are the lyrics. I am heaven and you are earth. May we two live together in this life, become parents of our children. Atharvaveda 14.2.71
To emphasize the unity of the husband and the wife in the performance of Vedic Yajnas,[25] they are encircled with a single cord-
He ties a girdle around the Yajamāna, and a cord around his wife his wife to become a pair. Yajurveda Taittirīya Saṃhitā 6.1.3.5
And as they form a pair, they also reap the fruit of their good actions and worship together-
A wife with her husband reaps the fruit of good actions. They both bear the yoke of the Yajna. Being of one mind, they overcome their enemies. They both attain the undecaying light in heaven. Yajurveda Taittirīya Brāhmaṇa 3.7.5.11
The same complementarity of the husband and wife as two halves of each other is reiterated in the Smriti texts. For example (repeating the verses cited above)-
In the beginning, Brahmā cleaved one body into two halves. Vyāsa Smriti 2.12
From one half became a woman, and from the other half became man. The Vedas themselves say that a man does not become complete till he marries. Vyāsa Smriti 2.13
With a wife, the husband cannot accomplish his goals of Dharma, Artha, Kāma and Moksha.
Just as a chariot with a single wheel or a bird with only one wing are incapacitated, in the same way, a husband without his wife is handicapped. Bhavishya Purāṇa 1.6.30
Recognizing this partnership, Hindu sacred literature exhorts that the husband must never do anything against his wife’s wishes-
The wife is one half of a man’s own self. She enables him to accomplish the goals of Dharma and other goals. Therefore, he must not cause her any pain, and must do anything against her wishes.
Bhavishya Purāṇa 1.8.37
At the time of the wedding, the couple vow to each other that they will not transgress each other and their marital relationship in the pursuit of matters related to Dharma, Artha and Kāma. The Vedas declare even with regard to offerings made in a Yajna-
The wife is certainly the mistress of household goods. Therefore, the man may make the offering only after getting her permission. Yajurveda, Maitrāyaṇīya Saṃhitā 3.7.9
The following episode from the Ramayana provides the Hindu ideal for the lifelong companionship of the husband and wife-
Story: Sitā Follows Rāmā in his Exile
After meeting with his mother, Rama then went to inform Sita that he was going to leave Ayodhyā for fourteen years. Sita did not weep and she did not say even a single unkind word towards anyone. Instead, she said, “A wife must follow her husband wherever he goes, and support him all her life. Therefore, I too will come with you to the forest.” Rama tried to change her mind by saying, “But Sita, a forest is not a very pleasant place. There are no roads or homes. Wild beasts can attack and kill without any warning. Food is hard to get. The paths have thorns and evil Rākshasas can harm us any time.”
But Sita replied, “We have grown together for many years after our marriage. I cannot imagine my life without you. Do not worry how I will live in the forest. I am happy only when you are with me. I will eat whatever food we can gather. I will walk all the dangerous paths in the forest with you. Please do not think that I am a weak woman. I will be your support, your companion and your friend in the forest.” When Rama saw that Sita was determined to come with him, he agreed.
5.4 The Summum Bonum of Married Life- A Marriage made in Heaven
The ideal life goal of married couple is summarized in the following verses-
Let loyalty to each other continue till death – this ought to be considered as the summary of the highest Dharma for husband and wife. Manusmriti 9.101
Let a man and woman, united in marriage, constantly exert themselves that they may not be separated from each other, and do not violate their mutual loyalty (and trust). Manusmriti 9.102 In that family, where the husband is pleased with his wife and the wife with her husband, happiness will assuredly be lasting. Manusmriti 3.60
The wife should act in a way that gives happiness to her husband. Similarly, the husband too should act for the sake of his wife’s welfare and happiness. Nārada Purāṇa 2.16.55
Conflicts between spouses are natural, but one must try to resolve them and avoid mutual ill-will and hatreds, and be forgiving and forbearing-
Just as the rising sun’s light erases the stars in the sky, the vigor of wives and their husbands is destroyed by mutual conflicts and hatreds. Atharvaveda (Shaunakīya) 7.13.1
The spouses can show their constant love and respect towards each other through small gestures and choices. For example, a Rishi notes the following in the Veda-
May those clothes alone touch our body and give us joy that have been stitched by our wives.
Atharvaveda (Shaunakīya) 14.2.51cd
A modern application of this beautiful thought would be wishing each other on milestone days of their lives (like birthdays), giving greeting cards and so on.
There are always evil-minded people who seek to cause rifts between a husband and wife. Hindu teachings condemn such people and promise hell to them-
Bheeshma said – Yudhishthira, those who ruin the livelihood of others, destroy homes, create discord between husband and wife, create discord between friends, and break someone’s hope definitely go to hell. Mahābhārata 13.23.65
So precious and sacrosanct is the relationship between a husband and wife that speaking a lie to preserve their marriage is considered one of the rare exceptions to the general rule that one must always speak the truth-
Krishna said to Arjuna: If speaking a truth will cause someone’s death or break someone’s marriage, then it is better to say a lie. In such situations, speaking the truth is equivalent to a lie, and speaking a lie is equivalent to speaking the truth. Mahābhārata 8.49.29
Story: Tiruvalluvar and his Wife – the Ideal Couple
A beautiful story is narrated regarding the loving relationship between Sant Tiruvalluvar and his equally saintly wife. Soon after they got married, he requested her, “Whenever you serve rice to me, please bring me also a bowl of water, and a needle.” She heeded his requested, and for decades thereafter, she did as told. Finally, she was on her death bed, as her husband was trying to keep her comfortable, she asked him, “Why did you ask me to bring you a needle and a bowl of water every time I served you rice?”
He replied, “Everyone makes mistakes. I thought that if you ever spill a grain of rice on the floor, I will pick it with the needle, wash it in the bowl of water and then eat it.” She asked, “But you never really used the need and water even once.” He explained, “I never had to use them because you were always careful in serving me and never spilled any food.”
The teaching of this story is that no one is perfect. In the life of a married couple, either of us can make a mistake from time to time. But the duty of the other is to overlook the spouse’s mistake, and make amends for it. On the other hand, it is the duty of every spouse to ensure that he or she gives her best to her life partner.
6.0 Pursuit of Puruṣhārtha-s by the Married Couple
Of all the four stages of one’s life, it is the stage of married householder wherein one can practice, make progress towards and even fulfill all the four goals of human life (Puruṣhārtha-s). During the stage of Brahmacharya, one is not entitled to pursue Kāma (pleasures of senses and mind) or Artha (earning wealth). A student is not even entitled to perform all the Vedic ceremonies (Yajnas). Same is the case with the third stage of Hermit (Vānaprastha) who abstains largely from Artha and Kāma even while focusing on Dharma and Moksha. The Ascetic (Sannyāsī) focuses on Moksha, having largely transcended even Dharma.
But in the case of a married householder, the first three Puruṣhārtha-s (Trivarga = Dharma + Artha + Kāma) are all legitimate pursuits because the married couple is supports the members of all the other three stages of life, supports the society through education, wealth and serves through his personal efforts the children as well as the elderly. Therefore, the householder cannot pursue simply one member of the triad to the detriment of the other two –
To achieve welfare and happiness, some declare that Dharma and Artha are superior (to Kāma). Others declare that Artha and Kāma are superior (to Dharma). Still others state that Dharma is superior (to the other two). Yet others state that Artha alone secures happiness. But the correct view is that the triad of Dharma, Artha and Kāma collectively secures welfare and happiness. Manusmriti 2.224
And through the path of Karmayoga or Bhaktiyoga, the householder can also pursue Moksha, as well be discussed later.
6.1 Relative Importance of Trivarga Puruṣhārtha-s for Grihastha
Although the Grihastha must care for all the three Purushārtha-s in the Trivarga triad, there are instances where these three come into conflict with each other. In these cases, Dharma takes priority-
But, pursuit of Kāma and Artha must be rejected if they are opposed to Dharma. Discard even those actions, which though according to Dharma, lead to unhappiness and cause indignation in the society. Manusmriti 4.176
Examples of the conflicts :
1. Where Artha conflicts with Dharma: Resorting to illegal activities like smuggling to become rich.
2. Where Kāma conflicts with Dharma: Taking drugs for pleasure knowing well that these intoxicants can ruin one’s well-being.
3. Where acts of Dharma are to be shunned: Sacrifice of a horse or a bull causes indignation in large sections of the Hindu society today. The practice of Levirate (Niyoga) although sanctioned by some Hindu texts is today defunct because it is considered immoral by modern Hindus. Fulfilling a promise of donation to someone who, in the interim, is exposed to be a crook would cause unhappiness and therefore it is better to break one’s promise in this situation.
The following is a useful statement on the relative priority of Puruṣhārtha-s and some exceptions that apply to this general rule-
When all the three, viz. Dharma, Artha and Kāma come together, the former is better than the one which follows, i.e., Dharma is better than Artha and Artha is better than Kāma. But Artha should always be first practiced by the King because the livelihood of all depends on it alone. And, Kāma being the occupation of courtesans is their first priority. But these two are exceptions to the general rule that Dharma is supreme. Kāmasūtra 2.1
6.2 Joint Pursuit of the Puruṣhārtha-s by the Couple
After the couple are married, they cannot pursue the first three Puruṣhārtha-s independently of each other because they are united as two parts of a conjoined pair. In fact, even sacred ceremonies must not be performed by the husband independently of his wife-
A Brahmana who does not have a wife should not establish the sacrificial fires. If he does so, it is equivalent to not establishing them (i.e., it is a waste). Kātyāyana Smriti 8.5a
Likewise, the wife may also not pursue any of the first three goals independent of her husband-
The husband and wife should be of one mind, of one resolve and have the same goal. Wives must never pursue Dharma, Artha and Kāma independently of their husbands. Vyāsa Smriti 2.18
Hindu tradition even argues that it is next to impossible for a man to pursue these goals independently simply because the support of a wife is essential to their accomplishment-
A man’s Dharma, Artha and Kāma goals of life are fulfilled only when his wife is his helper, and when they are both devoted to each other. Mārkaṇdeya Purāṇa 19.70
One of the important Dharma of all individuals is to bear children (for reasons described below) and this cannot be fulfilled Dharmically without marriage.
6.3 Pursuit of Moksha Puruṣhārtha
Unlike the Trivarga, the pursuit of Moksha Puruṣhārtha by a married person does not necessarily involve his or her spouse. This is the case of one of them chooses to become an ascetic, but even here, the person becoming an ascetic must obtain permission from his or her spouse and ensure that his partner being left behind us provided for. As will be discussed later, the paths of Karmayoga and Bhaktiyoga however allow a couple to pursue Moksha while remaining married to each other.
6.4 Types of Householders & Puruṣhārtha-s
Āshrama Upanishad 2[26] lists four categories of householders. It can be seen easily that all these four types have modern equivalents.
1. Vārttāvritta, who follow normal profitable professions like agriculture, trade, cattle rearing along with performing Vedic ceremonies their entire lives. In summary, the lifestyle or day-to-day life of these householders revolve around their professional work.
• Modern Manifestations: This includes the overwhelming majority of Hindu householders who spend most of their adult lives earning a living through a profitable profession, raising their children, taking care of their elders and so on. Very often, their lifestyle is deeply influenced by their professional choice. For example, those in the military might have to spend extended periods of time away from their families, or their families might have to move frequently from one military base to another. These householders contribute to public, educational or other institutions by volunteering, donations or teaching their own skills to others. Householders in this category are focused on all the three goals in the Trivarga.
2. Shālīnavritti, who stay in their homes (shālā), study the Vedas but do not teach, perform Yajnas for themselves but do not officiate at Yajnas for others, give alms or charity but do not accept any charity; and also continue to perform the Vedic ceremonies their entire lives. These householders were perhaps therefore economically well off and do not need a source of steady income to sustain their families. Or they were introverted by nature and do not like much social interaction which they consider as a distraction to their efforts at self-improvement. Or they did not have sufficient resources to teach, officiate at Yajnas for others and so on. Examples from the ancient Hindu tradition would be that of Vidura in the Mahābhārata and other non-Brahmana Hindus who would
not teach the Vedas to others or officiate at Yajnas but would themselves follow all aspects of Dharma and give alms to the need and to scholars.
• Modern Manifestations: This category includes two types of Hindu householders. First, who barely eke a living out of their modestly paying professions and take care of themselves and family without having the luxury of sharing their surplus time or knowledge with others, but who can make modest donations from time to time. Second, it includes householders who have inherited considerable wealth that allows them to pursue non-profitable pursuits (like study of scriptures, arts like painting etc.) all their lives and use their resources for philanthropy. An example would be Lahiri Mahashaya, the ideal householder disciple of Swami Ramakrishna Paramahamsa.
3. Yāyāvara or itinerant householders who do not stay at one place but move about performing Yajnas for themselves and officiating at Yajnas for others; who give as well as receive charity; who study the Vedas as well as teach them, while performing all the necessary Vedic ceremonies throughout their lives. An example is that of Rishi Raikva[27] in the Chhāndogya Upanishad, who was a nomad and taught Brahmavidyā to King Jānashruti Pautrāyana.
• Modern Manifestations: Dharma activists and social workers who devote their lives to Dharmic causes and move from one location to another to promote Dharma, serve the society and so on; doing temporary jobs to sustain themselves or relying on their inheritance or other sources of income to live a comfortable lifestyle while focusing on social good in parallel. These do-gooders largely restrict their sphere of activities in economically developed areas where resources and money are in abundance. While they do not hoard material goods themselves, they are not hesitant to accept material help for their philanthropic endeavors. Several householder spiritual teachers or Gurus also come within this category. E.g. Jalarama Bapa (1799-1881 CE) and his saintly wife Virabai Thakkar. Another example would be social worker Baba Amte (1914-2008) and his wife Sadhana Amte. In medieval times, the Sikh Gurus lived this lifestyle. They lived a partially itinerant lifestyle, often living on the offerings of their followers (especially Guru Ramdas onwards) but using much of what they received for social good.
4. Ghorasamnyāsika, the extremely renunciant or ascetic type householders; who live very frugally, living off grains left over in fields and roadways after harvesting and transport. Due to their meager resources, they focus on the worship of Brahman, or perform Vedic ceremonies throughout their lives with faith, using water as offering. Whenever they procure food or other items that can last them beyond one day’s needs, they given them away in charity. An example is that of Rishi Mudgala and his wife whose story occurs in Mahābhārata 3.295-
Rishi Mudgala: The Joy of Giving (Source: Mahābhārata 3.295)
Rishi Mudgala and his family in Kurukshetra spent most of their time in worship. He would gather excess grains scattered on the fields after the farmers had already harvested their crops, and feed themselves with this meager food. Despite his poverty, Mudgala was very hospitable. No guest visiting his home left without Mudgala offering him some food.
One day, Rishi Durvāsa came to test him. He asked Mudgala for food and ate everything that Mudgala could gather that day from the fields. This went on for several days in a row, but Rishi Mudgala did not complain even once. In fact, he would give his share of food to Rishi Durvāsa every day. On the seventh day, the latter blessed Rishi Mudgala, saying, “Despite your poverty, you did not give up your hospitality. By my Yogic powers, I will
now summon Devatās to take you to heaven.” Immediately, Devatās appeared and requested Mudgala to come with them to heaven.
But Mudgala said that before leaving earth for heaven, he would like to know the length of his stay and the more about the pleasures of heaven. The Devatās answered, “You will stay in heaven as long as the fruit of your good karmas last. Heaven is a place full of pleasure – you will get the best food, drinks, clothes, homes and so on. You will be very happy till you live in heaven.”
Surprisingly, Rishi Mudgala refused to accompany them to heaven saying, “What is the use of heaven if I cannot stay there forever. And I get greater joy in serving others, than in feeding myself delicious food.” Rishi Mudgala then continued on the earth, worshipping regularly and feeding every guest. When he died, his soul reached Bhagavān forever, to enjoy complete happiness for all times to come.
Modern Manifestations: Deeply spiritual couples whose wants are very minimal, who are very committed to Dharma and who might choose to serve unreached and remote communities in forested areas where they are not assured of their own livelihood or fulfillment of daily needs. Rather than focusing on their own material welfare, they serve their entire lives serving the needy and guiding them spiritually. An example is the modern Hindu saint Ma Anandamoyi (1896-1982), born in Bangladesh but who spent much of her life in India. Her husband (Ramani Mohan Chakravarti) was her first disciple. She was an adept Yogī from birth and inspired thousands of Hindus towards spirituality. She would often become oblivious of even her bodily needs, and would sometimes travel from place to place to answer the call of her devotees. The rare householder in this category are quite focused on Moksha Puruṣhārtha. Also falling within this category are the Veda-Sannyāsīs or elderly couples who have renounced all profitable sources of income and have stopped performing ritual ceremonies but devote themselves to spiritual practices, focus on their moral upliftment and sustain themselves on whatever their adult earning son(s) provide to them.
This model of four types of householders therefore applied to the ancient Hindu householders and with some modifications, it exists as a reality in the modern Hindu society as well. Their lifestyle progressively and increasingly focusses on Moksha (and towards the Sannyāsa stage of life) from the first to the last.
7.0 Pursuit of Artha by Householders[28]
The stage of householders is the only one in which individuals can pursue Kāma and Artha. Students and Ascetics in particular are not allowed to pursue desires of their senses, and the Vānaprasthī has to focus himself on the path of Dharma and Moksha to the best possible extent. In order to take care of their own family as well as support and help one’s teachers, guests, the poor, orphans and various social institutions, the married couple must endeavor to earn money through means that are allowed by Dharma. A householder who worships for the sake of wealth is not looked down upon-
May the five directions of space, those wide realms, yield to capacity. May I obtain all the desires and hopes of my mind and heart. Atharvaveda 3.20.9
It is well recognized that a householder who has meager material resources tends to suffer-
A husband who has no money undergoes great difficulties in his married life. Therefore, a man should exert himself to earn money before he gets married. Bhaviṣhya Purāṇa 1.3.6
Wealth in itself is not bad. In fact the Vedas contain prayers meant for farmers,[29] traders[30] and followers of other profitable professions like dairy farming[31] and rulership.[32] But, the Vedas also teach us that we must “Gather with a hundred hands, but use that money in good ways with a thousand hands.” And therefore, householders are exhorted to work hard and endeavor to gather riches without regarding wealth as an evil-
He who desires knowledge and wealth must not waste a single moment or a single spec. On the contrary, one should keep studying every moment to gather knowledge, and save every bit and spec to accumulate wealth. Shukranītisāra 3.172
Saved wealth protects in the future and therefor every effort must be made to accumulate wealth. One must continue to acquire wealth and wisdom at all times with the attitude, “I will live for 100 years and will enjoy my riches.” Shukranītisāra 3.174-175ab
In the Mahābhārata, Devi Lakshmi, the Deity of wealth, explains to Queen Rukmani (the wife of Bhagavān
Krishna) the ways of attracting Her (i.e. become wealthy)-
Devi Lakshmi said to Queen Rukmani – I reside in the homes of those men who are fearless, skillful in their acts, hard-working, free from anger, devoted to the Devas, grateful (for the good things in their lives), masters of their senses and endowed with an ever enhancing quality of Sattva. Mahābhārata 13.11.6
I reside with those men who by their very nature discharge their personal duties, are knowledgeable about Dharma, eagerly engaged in the service of elders, whose mind is under their control, forgiving and resourceful. I also reside with ladies who are forgiving and have their senses under their control.
Mahābhārata 13.11.10
I also reside in Brahmanas who are ever engaged in the study of Vedas, in Kshatriyas engrossed in performing their duties, in Vaishyas engaged agricultural tasks and in Shudras who are always serving others. Mahābhārata 13.11.19
I always dwell in women who speak the truth, who wear decent clothes and appear pleasing, who are endowed with goodness (saubhāgya yukta), have a benevolent nature, are devote to their husbands, have auspicious qualities and are always decked in clothes and ornaments. Mahābhārata 13.11.12cd-13ab
I do not dwell in men who are lazy, non-believers, mix with questionable characters (saamkarike), ungrateful, doers of bad deeds, cruel, thieves and who always find fault in their Gurus. Mahābhārata 13.11.7
I forsake those women who does not keep her household utensils organized and lets them lie scattered, who does not do her tasks intelligently, who always speaks to oppose her husband, is addicted to roaming in other people’s homes and who has given up all shame and decency.
Mahābhārata 13.11.10cd-11ab
I always stay away from the woman who is always engaged in performing sinful acts of cruelty, unclean, addicted to tasting spicy foods, lacking in forbearance, who loves discord and who loves to sleep senseless on her bed all the time. Mahābhārata 13.11cd-12ab
Story: The Poverty of Mahatma Gandhi
Mokshagundam Visvesaraya (1861-1962) was a brilliant Engineer who transformed the princely state of Mysore my designing and leading numerous projects like irrigation dams. Once, Mahatma Gandhi visited Mysore to meet with him and was annoyed to see Visvesaraya seated on an expensive chair, wearing costly clothes and ornaments. He said, “Don’t you feel ashamed to live in luxury when many Indians are poor.” Visvesvaraya replied, “If we Indians do not wear costly clothes and ornaments and do not live in luxury, then it is the Englishmen will possess these items and we poor Indians will continue to bow in front of them.” After India became independent, Gandhi continued to live a simple life at government expense. It is said that once Sarojini Naidu (1879-1949), a renowned freedom fighter, remarked, “It costs India a lot of money to keep you in poverty.”
7.1 Artha and Dharma
Although it is acceptable for householders to indulge in Kāma and Artha, they must never forget that the limits set by Dharma must be adhered too.
A man who is Adhārmic and who has earned his wealth through dishonest means, and who likes to hurt others – he will never gain true happiness in this world. Manusmriti 4.170
Even if he has suffered by following Dharma, a man must not turn his mind towards Adharma, witnessing the rapid overthrow of unjust and evil men. Manusmriti 4.171
When practiced in this world, Adharma, like the earth, does not bear fruit promptly, but, advancing little by little, it cuts off the roots of its perpetrator. Manusmriti 4.172
Through Adharma, one might prosper for a while, enjoy good fortune thereby, and then conquer his enemies. Nevertheless, he will eventually perish, root and all. Manusmriti 4.174
In other words, a householder should not become completely materialistic. Money does not stay with anyone permanently. And it is against the principles of Dharma to become too attached to wealth, or become arrogant due to one’s riches. Therefore, we must be humble and use our wealth in good ways.
Yudhishthira said – The wise man understands that wealth does not stay with anyone permanently. Therefore, the man of faith should use his assets for charity and perform yajnas in this world. Mahābhārata 12.26.27
Vidura said - Liquors indeed cause intoxication, but the intoxication caused by opulence is worse because a person intoxicated by his wealth regains his senses only after complete destruction. Mahābhārata 5.34.53
The following verse occurring in numerous Hindu texts summarizes the overall attitude that the householder should have towards wealth-
He should desire to get what he does not have, exert to protect what he has, enhance what has been protected and donate to a deserving beneficiary what he has enhanced. Manusmriti 7.99
The couple must recognize that there are other forms of wealth that are more valuable and precious that money – like wisdom, education, spiritual merit.
Knowledge is superior to all other kinds of wealth, because other riches are dependent upon knowledge. In fact, knowledge increases when you distribute it, it does not weigh you down and no one can steal it from you. Shukranītisāra 3.176
Bheeshma said – Collect that wealth of Dharma which is not intimidated by the King or the thief, and which will accompany you even after death. Mahābhārata 12.321.46
7.2 Joint Ownership by the Couple
Whatever wealth the husband or the wife earn or possess is owned jointly by both of them. In modern times, the spouses often keep their finances separate, which is not the case in the Hindu tradition. Even if the wife is not an earning spouse, she is nevertheless regarded as the mistress of the household goods purchased with money earned by her husband, and she is entitled to manage, maintain as well as donate the household items.
The wife is certainly the mistress of household goods. Therefore, the man may make the offering only after getting her permission. Yajurveda, Maitrāyaṇīya Saṃhitā 3.7.9
There is no differentiation between the property of a husband and wife because after their marriage, they perform religious ceremonies jointly, share the fruit of the good actions and also acquire wealth jointly. And because when the husband is away, no one regards it as theft when the wife gives charity from their joint wealth. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.14.16-20
The couple have a joint control over their wealth. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.29.3
7.3 Earning a Livelihood
With regard to the Brahmana social class, some texts like Manusmriti make the following recommendations-
He should take up a means of livelihood which causes no harm to living beings, or very little, and he should live in this way except in times of extreme hardship. Manusmriti 4.2
In order to obtain sufficient for subsistence, he may gather wealth by occupations natural to him which are blameless and cause his body no distress. Manusmriti 4.3
He may live by Rta (truth), by amrta (immortality), by mrta (mortality), by pramrta (death) or even by satyānrta (truth combined with falsehood); but never by shvavritti (the way a dog lives). Manusmriti 4.4
Rta is to be understood as gleaning and gathering; Amrta as receiving unsolicited alms; Mrta as gaining food by begging; while Pramrta is tilling the soil. Manusmriti 4.5
Satyānrta is trading, and he may live even by that; servility is called shvavritti and therefore he should avoid it. Manusmriti 4.6
He should in no respect follow the way of the world for his livelihood but should love the upright, honest, and pure life of a Brahmana. Manusmriti 4.11
He should not honor, even with few words, those who are heretics, wrong-doers, hypocrites, deceivers, logicians, or those who feign piety. Manusmriti 4.30
These strictures do not apply to members of other classes. For instance, as ‘Pramrta’ (‘death’) refers to agriculture because activities like ploughing and the use of pesticides etc., results in a great slaughter of creatures. Yet, it is a legitimate profession for farmers. Without agriculture, the human society will not have sufficient food to survive.
For traders, ‘Satyānṛta’ (truth combined with falsehood) is a legitimate professional activity because they have trade secrets that cannot be shared openly with others to stave off competition and earn profits.
Likewise, soldiers necessarily have to attack their enemy and possibly kill him in a war. For them, the scriptures offer indemnity from the evil that would accrue to others for committing violence. In fact, rewards are offered to soldiers who are killed in war or who emerge alive and victorious from a battle-
If you get killed, you shall attain heaven. Or, you will enjoy the earth, having become victorious. Therefore, arise, son of Kunti, resolved to fight. Gita 2.37
Only two types of people pierce the solar orb (i.e., attain liberation) – the Ascetic who practices Yoga, and the soldier who faces death bravely in the battlefield. Parāshara Smriti 3.32
That brave warrior, wherever he might be, goes to inexhaustible good realms after death if he faces death surrounded by his enemies, and yet does not utter a cowardly word. Parāshara Smriti 3.33 The warrior whose body perishes due to assaults of arrows, maces and sticks in the battlefield is received by nymphs (Apsarās) and taken to the Heaven for a joyous existence. Parāshara Smriti 3.36
Thousands of celestial damsels rush to be the first ones to accost the slain warrior in the battlefield and exclaim, “May he be my husband.” Parāshara Smriti 3.37
The Heaven that the Brahmanas seek through performance of several Vedic yajnas and austerities is attained in a moment by a warrior who loses his live in the battlefield. Parāshara Smriti 3.38
7.4 Types of Wealth
Income or livelihood can be pure or impure depending on whether one follows the professions legitimate for his social class or not-
For all, when something is acquired by one’s own livelihood, it is white; when it is acquired by the livelihood of the Varṇa immediately below him, it is tainted…... Vishnu Dharmasūtra 58.6-7
But income/livelihood are not the only source of wealth. There are other sources of wealth, which too can be pure, mixed or impure depending on how they were acquired-
Inheritance, a gift given out of affection, what is received along with the wife (gifts from her family members) – for all varṇas without distinction, these kinds of assets are called white. Vishnu Dharmasūtra 58.9
Assets acquired as a bribe or fee or by selling forbidden goods, or obtained through rendering assistance are called tainted (mixed). Vishnu Dharmasūtra 58.10
What has been acquired by (obsequious) service, gambling, theft, inflicting injury, forgery, robbery, or fraud is called black. Vishnu Dharmasūtra 58.11
Not merely acquisition of impure wealth results in evil Karma (or vice versa), even its use leads to a fruit that falls within the same category (pure, tainted or impure). In other words, if a person steals money and then donates it, he will not earn good Karma from his act of charity. Rather, he will get bad Karma because his wealth used for charity is ill-begotten.
He who performs good deeds for the sake of prosperity in the next world using wealth that is acquired sinfully does not get the fruit of these actions after he dies because the wealth he used was ill-begotten. Mahābhārata 5.39.66
Whatever a person performs with a particular kind of property, he will obtain the same kind of fruit both here and after death. Vishnu Dharmasūtra 58.12
But what if someone earns wealth through honest means and then employs it for an evil action (e.g. hire a killer to murder someone)? Obviously, the fruit cannot be good. In conclusion therefore the intent of the scriptural teachings is to encourage people to earn their wealth through Dharmic means, and then employ it Dharmically rather than think that first acquiring their wealth through cheating, dishonesty and then using a portion of it in charity or worship will wash off their evil Karma.
7.5 Be Independent in Earning Livelihood
Earning a livelihood often involves compromising from time to time with one’s own deeply cherished moral values. Studies have shown that for the sake of keep their job or even earning a promotion at work, people forget their own values easily. Being true to oneself means adhering to these values even at the risk of loss of income, reputation and so on. But this is easier said than done. The earning parent has the responsibility of providing for his family and will often feel compelled to do so even if he/she has to suffer humiliation or do tasks that are not very ethical, in his own eyes. In most cases, our livelihood is dependent on the pleasure or satisfaction of others, who much not cherish the same values as we do. Therefore, our Rishi-s recommend the obvious – that we must try to earn wealth through a means that is not dependent on the whims of others, and which can be earned without compromising our self-respect and values intact.
Let the householder carefully avoid all undertakings, the success of which depends on others; but let him eagerly pursue that, the accomplishment of which depends on himself. Manusmriti 4.159 Everything that depends on others (gives) pain, everything that depends on oneself (gives) pleasure; know that this is the short definition of pleasure and pain. Manusmriti 4.160
Though he may be entitled to accept presents, let him not attach himself too much to that habit; because through his accepting many presents, the divine light in him is soon extinguished. Manusmriti 4.186
The householder should refrain from self-pity, cunningness of intellect and crookedness of behavior. In this regard, they quote the following verse in a conversation between the daughters of Ushanas and Vrishaparvan- You indeed are the daughter of a man who indulges in flattery and servility of others and accepts charity whereas I am the daughter of a father who is praised, who gives charity and who does not accept any charity. Baudhāyana Dharmasūtra 2.4.25-26
Story: Judge Rām Shāstrī prefers poverty and unemployment over riches earned through dishonesty
Rām Shāstrī was the chief judge at the royal court of the Peshwā (title of the King of the Maratha Hindu Empire), who ruled a large empire in India, in the second half of the 18th century CE, from the city of Pune in western India. He was very learned in the Vedas and other Hindu scriptures. He lived a very simple and frugal life, following the Hindu scriptural teachings that Brahmanas must not live lavishly. Sometime later, the Peshwā died, and his son, a child, was murdered by his Uncle Raghobā. Ram Shastri was asked to adjudicate in the case, and be the judge in the trial of Raghobā. Raghobā and his wife were a very powerful couple in the Maratha Empire. They offered riches to Ram Shastri if he delivered a verdict declaring them innocent. When Ram Shastri did not agree, they threatened to have him murdered. But he still did not budge, and finally pronounced Raghobā guilty of murder of his nephew. Due to political complications, Raghobā was spared the sentence and was asked to be the next King. Ram Shastri then left Pune retired to his native village. He preferred to live the rest of his life in isolation and poverty than give up his principles of truth, honesty and simple living. His life shows that while serving our boss, we must never compromise with our core ethical values even if it hurts our personal interests.
7.6 Be Hard-Working and Self Dependent
Unless one is born with a silver spoon in his mouth, wealth is earned through hard work, knowledge, ingenuity and intelligence. Rarely does one become rich quickly and without any of the above-
Action is in my right hand and success is placed on my left hand. Atharvaveda 7.50.8
It is through effort alone that one’s goals are accomplished and not through mental wishes alone. Even in the case of a lion, animals do not enter his mouth on their own while he is sleeping. Indeed, without efforts, one’s mental wishes are never fulfilled. It is only the cowards who argue foolishly that ‘whatever has to happen will happen.’ Panchatantra, Mitrasamprāpti 138-139
Those who are lazy, lacking in courage, foolish or who have no moral scruples often lead a parasitic lifestyle, sucking off the resources of others like a leach. Hindu scriptures condemn such people and instead exhort us to work hard and be self-dependent, rather than become a burden on our family and societies.
Those foolish householders who constantly seek to live on the food of others, become, in consequence of that baseness, after death, the cattle of those who give them food. Manusmriti 3.104
A couple must also judiciously invest or save their earned wealth so that they are self-sufficient financially in their old age. They must not waste money as if there is no tomorrow. The key to financial security in old age is timing. To be successful in life, one must start doing good things early. Rightly, it has been said-
Only tasks that are commenced in childhood or in youth reach their goal. The wise believe that tasks begun at the old age are frequently left unfinished before death. Shukranītisāra 5.65
Maharshi Shukra’s advice is very apt and must also be taken to mean that right from our young age, we should start walking towards our goals of Dharma and Moksha slowly, instead of believing that only ‘old people should worry about Dharma and Moksha.’
Some other qualities in people who succeed or fail are noted in Hindu scriptures-
Exertion, discipline, skill, diligence, forbearance and memory (understanding your abilities) and commencement of tasks only after mature deliberation – know these to be the roots of prosperity. Mahābhārata 5.39.68
Placidity of mind, commitment to work, fitness of sense organs and ability to take along his allies are the means to achieve one’s goals. Kāmandakīya Nītisāra 12.42
One who wants to succeed and prosper in this world must give up the following six vices – sleeping during daytime, excessive sleeping during the night, lack of courage, anger, laziness and procrastination. Shukranītisāra 3.54
Knowledge, courage, cleverness, strength and persistence – these are the five friends in whose company a wise man lives his life. Shukranītisāra 4.113
O bull amongst Bharatas! He is a fool who increases his tasks (unnecessarily), who hesitates at all times and who procrastinates in tasks that should be completed promptly. Mahābhārata 5.33.34
7.7 Cooperate, Collaborate and Consult with Each Other
Wealth is not earned in a social vacuum, without interacting with anyone else. Nor does one possess all the resources or skills to earn his own wealth. Human beings are interconnected in the society and this includes professional interactions, connections and mutual dependence. Therefore, we must cooperate and collaborate with each other collectively for mutual gain and prosperity instead of getting overpowered by jealousies and selfishness-
The stream (of life) filled with stones (obstacles) flows on. Move forward together. Stand erect, and cross over my friends! Let us leave here those tendencies who are opposed to good; and let us cross over to the powers that are beneficent. Rigveda 10.53.8
But if there are several trees together in a grove, then even the strongest winds cannot destroy then. Mahabharata 5.36.62-63
Communities progress and grow by working together and helping each other just as lotuses increase (geometrically) in a lake. Mahābhārata 5.26.35
Story: The Collaborating Devas versus the Selfish Asuras
The Demonic Asuras complained to Bhagavan Brahma one day, “You created the Devas as well as us. But you always favor them and treat us with prejudice.” Brahma invited the Devas to his place in order to reply to the charge of the Asuras. He said to both of them, “I will give identical food to both the teams – the Asura team and the Deva team. The only condition is that you have to eat it without y bending your arms. They must remain straight completely. The Devas and Asuras started the competition. The Asuras would throw bits of food from plates with straight arms and try to catch them in their open mouths. They mostly failed to eat anything. But the Devas quickly sat in two rows facing each other and the plates of food between them. Each Deva took morsels of food with stretched arms and fed the Deva opposite to him. They were all able to feed each other plentiful food. Brahma said, “He who feeds only himself, ignoring others around him, eventually fails to succeed and gets my displeasure. But he who feeds the others around him and collaborates with his comrades will always succeed and earn my pleasure.”
No one knows everything. Ego prevents some people from consulting others who are more knowledgeable than themselves. There is no need to re-invent the wheel every time when you can consult those who have ‘been there, done that.’. Every opinion should count. No one should be shut up unless he or she is disruptive.
The best ideas often come from those whom we do not think highly of.
A person who undertakes tasks after consulting wise and able elders who desire his welfare will not face obstacles in any undertaking. Panchatantra 4.48
To succeed in any undertaking, one should have the following mindset – follow the advice of the wise, do not insult or look down upon anyone and listen to everyone and follow their words of wisdom. Kāmandakīya Nītisāra 12.31
7.8 Understand your Abilities Accurately
Through self-introspection or an external evaluation, one must constantly evaluate his skills, strengths, abilities, weaknesses, areas of improvement etc., to remain relevant in his workplace and progress in his professional career. One must also evaluate who is superior to him, who his friends are etc., periodically.
Who is my boss? Who are my friends? What are the conventions of the place that I live in? What are my expenses? Who am I or what is my status? What are my skills and abilities? One must constantly ask these questions to oneself. Vriddha Chanakya 4.2
Asking these questions is the key to one’s success and in find appropriate collaborators who can complement his own skill sets for their mutual benefit.
He who estimates his strength and resources, and then considers the place, time, income and expense before initiating his tasks never comes to suffering. Mahābhārata 2.13.34cd-35ab
A popular Hindu proverb pithily describes how our efforts and expenses must also be commensurate with what we possess and are capable of-
Act appropriately after reflecting on one’s abilities. Stretch your feet according to the length of your sheet.
(apni pahunch bichari kai, kartab kariye daur | Tete paanv pasariye, jeti laambi saur ||) Satsai of poet Vrinda
Possessing certain skills does not mean that one misuses them and treads the path of Adharma. For example, one could misuse his skills of copying art motifs in forging currency notes, or provide that skill to law enforcement authorities in catching counterfeiters. A person with excellent communication skills could use them to rise in his career, or misuse them to swindle people of their money. Therefore, professional skills must be used in ways that align with the path of Dharma-
Keeping in mind one’s age, intelligence, wealth, skill of speech, clothes, knowledge of scriptures (or other branches of learning) and Karma (i.e., one’s current state resulting from previous Karma), that profession should be adopted which is not crooked or foolish. Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.123
Skill requirements in a society are not static. As times change, workers with different skill sets are needed. Some skills become obsolete with time. For example, there is little demand for Engineers who specialize in old fashioned cameras in this age of digital photography and smart phone pictures. Therefore one must keep upgrading his skills. Likewise, even while specializing on one or a few areas, one must constantly acquire newer skills to become versatile, remain relevant in workplace and progress in life-
One should acquire the skill to accomplish several types of activities, so that he can improve his lot. Brahmāṇda Purāṇa 2.5.58
In general, one must work hard, acquire new skills and knowledge and be polite to succeed in life-
For the capable, nothing is difficult. For the hard working, no goal is non achievable. For the learned, no country is foreign. For the polite and loving, none is a stranger. Chāṇakya Rājanītisamucchaya
3.9
7.9 Pursue Achievable Goals, Set Goals Wisely
Self-awareness about one’s abilities, skills, gaps, situation etc., are vital to making the right choices and pursue appropriate goals. A wise person will align his needs, desires, wants and goals to his abilities and the achievability of these goals. For instance, a petite and a chronically weak person will waste his time and energy if he continues to dream of becoming a wrestling champion in the heavy weight category.
He who pursues a questionable or uncertain goal/object while ignoring certain and achievable objects comes to ruin and loses even what he already has. Chāṇakya Nītīdarpaṇa 1.13
A profoundly wise man does not undertake tasks that do not yield any result (are useless), whose result is disproportionately low compared to the effort involved, or those that are impossible to complete. Bhojacharitra 16
Before even undertaking any task, one must first define the problem that we intend to solve, or the purpose/goal, the return on investment, effort needed, risk involved and so on –
He is called a Pandit who undertakes a task (only) after he has made a considered decision to pursue it, who does not stop in the midst of his task (before they are incomplete), who undertakes his tasks with a purpose in mind (or who does not waste time in useless activities), and who is disciplined. Mahābhārata 5.33.24
When something is done with a purpose, one must first understand that underlying purpose (‘define the problem’). Only then must one proceed to act. One must not act in great haste. Mahābhārata 5.34.8
An intelligent man should first reflect upon the purpose of his action, its consequences and the effort he must input before proceeding to do or abandon any task. Mahābhārata 5.34.9
“What will I benefit by doing this task, what will I lose by not doing this task” – a man should ascertain this before proceeding upon or abandoning various tasks. Mahābhārata 5.34.19 Some tasks should not be pursued at any time because their inherent nature is such that they do not bear fruit, and any effort expended in doing them goes waste. Mahābhārata 5.34.20
A wise man promptly commences those actions that bear a great result with a little effort. He never hinders such tasks. Mahābhārata 5.34.22
Ends do not justify the means. No matter how laudable the goal is, if it can be accomplished through very evil actions and means, then it is not worth pursuing-
O descendant of Bharata! Do not set your mind on objectives that are fulfilled through evil actions and by employing inappropriate means. Mahābhārata 5.34.6
7.10 Choosing the Right Profession & Workplace
In some Hindu scriptures, professions are aligned along social classes. For example-
Next, the means of livelihood. For Brahmanas – performing Yajnas for others, teaching and accepting alms. For Kshatriyas, protecting the earth. For Vaishyas, agriculture, cattle rearing, trade, money lending, and growing seed grain. For Shudras, all kinds of crafts. Vishnu Dharmasūtra 2.10-15
The Bhagavad Gita connects specific psychological attributes (one’s nature) with various types of work, indicating the importance of one’s mental make-up in choosing the profession-
Krishna said:
Scorcher of enemies! The duties of the Brahmins, the Kshatriyas, the Vaishyas and of the Shudras are allocated according the guṇas born of their nature. Gita 18.41
Serenity, self-control, austerity, purity, forbearance, and uprightness, wisdom, knowledge and faith in afterlife – these are the duties of the Brahmanas, born of their nature. Gita 18.42
Valor, majesty, steadfastness, resourcefulness, not fleeing even in a battle, charity and leadership, these are the duties of Kshatriya born of their nature. Gita 18.43
Agriculture, cattle-rearing, and trade are the duties of a Vaishya born of his nature. The work comprising of service is the duty of a Shudra, born of his nature. Gita 18.44
There are innumerable professions to earn one’s livelihood in this world. But whatever be one’s profession, the center of one’s life should be the Divine-
Diverse are the thoughts and the callings of human beings. The carpenter seeks what is broken, the physician seeks the sick, the priest seeks one who can press the sacred Soma juice; the smith – with his bellows made of natural material and brilliantly hot fuel stones desires a man who has gold (to fashion into jewelry). I am a poet, my father is a physician whereas my mother grinds corn for living. We all pursue wealth with varied plans, we all follow our own callings. But may all offer the sacred Soma juice for Indra. (We all follow different professions according to our abilities, but everyone should have a worshipful mind). Rigveda 9.112. 1-3
For a householder, one’s profession is not a mere pastime that is divorced from financial gain because his duty is to provide livelihood to his entire family. Therefore, he must choose a profession or employment that is sufficiently gainful, is not opposed to Dharma, and he must not hesitate to relocate to a place where he can fulfill his duty as the provider for his family.
That profession is best which is not opposed to Dharma and that land is the best where one can earn well enough to nourish his family. Shukranītisāra 3.271
Do not spend a day in a place where you cannot acquire knowledge, earn wealth and where you are not comfortable. Subhāṣhitārṇava 196
And so, we do see in modern times many professionals relocating to different places to pursue lucrative and fulfilling job offers. In modern times, statements like, “Do only what you like to do. Your job should give you happiness,” etc. are quite popular. But these statements reflect the truth only partially. A householder has the duty to provide for his family, not simply chose a work that makes him happy. Therefore, he must be ready to make a compromise in his life between the work he loves to do, and work that fetches him adequate money to provide for his family and dependents-
In the hope that it will lead to profits, one can take up farming. If farming is not profitable, he may indulge in trading. If trade is not profitable, the loan money at interest. In this way, one should be courageous and try different profitable professions otherwise he will not be able to survive financially. Narābharaṇa 280
7.11 Managing Colleagues at Workplace
Good and bad colleagues are everywhere in workplace. Toxicity drags us down, positive relationships boost us. One must collaborate and cooperate with friendly, positive and collaborative coworkers to overcome the challenges in workplace and not bother too much energy in tackling those that obstructionist and negative-
The stream (of life) filled with stones (obstacles) flows on. Move forward together. Stand erect, and cross over my friends! Let us leave here those tendencies who are opposed to good; and let us cross over to the powers that are beneficent. Rigveda 10.53.8
Likewise, it is our own duty to be nurturing towards others in the workplace. Do not point at the flaws of others, but help them out to gain allies who might return the favor someday-
Do not focus on another’s flaws but plug his deficiencies and errors yourself to the best of your ability because doing a favor to someone is the best way to earn a friend. Shukranītisāra 2.222
Life is not always fair. Others at workplace might advance in their careers before us, deservedly or undeservedly. But either way, we must not let jealousy overtake us because being envious is evil and it hurts us more than anyone else-
People of the lowest character burn with jealousy when they see others get the position that they had themselves wanted. And then, their vile nature makes them criticize the successful person. Chāṇakya Rājanīti Shataka 88
One technique for saving one from a jealous feeling is to focus on one’s own work and do it diligently and perfectly instead of worrying about what others are doing or have been assigned-
Focus on the work that has been assigned to you instead of snatching or meddling in someone else’s work or being jealous of others. Shukranītisāra 2.108
Being a good colleague also means being respectful towards others and being a good listener-
He listens to what others have to say with patience, (even though he) understands promptly. He endeavors are based on understanding, not on (mere) desires (or infatuations). Unless requested, he does not comment on the affairs of others – these are the primary traits of a Pandit. Mahābhārata
5.33.22
Hindu texts also give a practical advice – practice tact and do not broadcast to others adverse situations that you find yourself in at workplace. Your true friends at work might sympathize with you and help you, but most others will perceive you negatively thereafter for no fault of yours. Managing perceptions about oneself is often as important than actually become good-
Do not broadcast to others that your boss insulted you or has no affection for you. Shukranītisāra
3.150ab
7.12 Fairness at Workplace
Most people around us tend to be judgmental and read in too much between the lines when evaluating our behaviors and actions. Being good is important, but being perceived as good by others is also important to succeed at workplace-
If one stays silent, he is called ‘dumb’. If he is ready with his answers, he is called ‘talkative’ or ‘quarrelsome’. If one stands near, he is said to be ‘disrespectful’; and if he stays at a distance, he is called ‘timid’. If he bears patiently, they say that he is ‘lacking in courage’. But if he responds to harsh words, he is called ‘lacking in manners’. Being an employee is very difficult and even Sages cannot understand it fully. Nītishataka of Bhartrihari
A principled employee will privilege the goodness of his work over the goodness of perceptions that others have of him. An opportunist employee will manage perceptions very well and expend all his energy in doing so rather than actually do his work well.
Ancient economies in the Hindu societies were not as complex and diverse as the modern global economy. Searching for workplace fairness laws and protections in Hindu scriptures (or in texts of other faith traditions) is often like searching for penguins in the Sahara desert. Nevertheless, Hindu texts foreshadow numerous worker rights and protections that are now almost taken for granted in civilized societies. For example, paying employees on time and profit sharing is mandated-
The employer should regularly pay wages to his employee as agreed upon initially whether it is before the work, during the work or after the work is completed. Unless there is a specific contract agreed upon, the employer must also share ten percent of profits with his hired labor, trader, herdsman or farm labor. Nārada Smriti 6.23
Another example is protecting sick employees from loss of wages and getting fired from work for no fault of theirs-
If an employee falls sick, the employer must pay the employee for the work that he completed before falling sick. He should wait for the employee to recover and complete his remaining work thereafter. But if the employer were to dismiss the sick employee, then the employer must pay the entire amount
(even for incomplete work) to the employee. Medhātitihi on Manusmriti 8.217
7.13 Being a Good Boss or a Good Employee
Having a great boss is a good reason why people stick to their job. Conversely, a bad boss is one of the most important reasons why people jump ship to take on a different job.
Employees never leave a boss who pays them on time, who increases their enthusiasm through respect and recognition and who always calms them with polite speech. Shukranītisāra 2.399
The Boss of a department drives the behavior of his or her employees. Employees learn from their manager, through conscious or unconscious mentoring. They gradually take on the traits of their boss through close and prolonged association with him. Therefore, employees too must be careful in choosing who they work for-
A man becomes like the company he keeps, like the people he serves, and like what he himself wants to become. Mahābhārata 12.299.32
Just as a piece of cloth assumes the color in which it is dyed, likewise a person becomes just like the master he serves, whether the mast be virtuous person, an evil person, an ascetic or a thief. Mahābhārata 12.299.33
A good manage leads by example. Being a manager does not mean sitting idly and ordering his employees. Rather, a good manager works harder and smarter than his employees. He commands their respect through his own behavior, rather than demand it through coercion-
If one lacks vigor to accomplish his own goals, his employees will be even more lax. But he who is always diligent in accomplishing his tasks, his helpers will likewise show enthusiasm in working on them. Shukranītisāra 4.2.35
A good manager also challenges his employees to test and develop them. He focuses on what they accomplish now and in the future, instead on dwelling on their past laurels and background-
Just as a goldsmith tests gold by smelting it, a good boss tests his employees by assigning them challenging tasks, by staying close to them and by examining their character and family background. But never judge an employee solely by looking at his family background. Shukranītisāra 2.53-54
Only a poor manager behaves like a slave owner who has no concern for his employees’ feeling, who shows no respect, no appreciation for their accomplishments and who is not concerned with any aspect of their lives outside of their professional contributions-
When a boss is happy with his employee, he should show delight at seeing him, offer him a seat near his own, acknowledge his assistance with appreciation and should enquire about his health and welfare. Kāmandakīya Nītisāra 8.35
One must share the good things of life and successes with his employees instead of devouring them all by himself. Specifically with regard to domestic servants, Vidura explains to King Dhritarāṣhtra-
Who can be more cruel than that man who eats good food alone[33] and wears good clothes alone without sharing them with his servants? Mahābhārata 5.33.41
A good manager does not surround himself with people inferior to him because of the fear that they will outshine him. He selects competent and best people to do the work. Likewise, an employee must also stay away from foolish bosses if they desire to grow in their career. Good quality work and knowledge is more important than schmoozing skills-
One should avoid being the boss or an employee of a fool. One must never oppose wise and virtuous persons and never try to impress them with just a little knowledge. Shukranītisāra 3.145
Hindu scriptures also declare that a true leader, including the King, is really one who is a Servant Leader and several stories illustrate this teaching-
The Lord has made the King a servant of his people because he collects his wages (tax) from them, and also their master because he takes care of them. Shukranītisāra 1.188
Emperor Raja Raja Chola (985-1014 CE ) as the Servant Leader
Raja Raja Chola commissioned the gigantic Brihadeeshvara Temple that was completed in 1010 CE. One day, the King visited the Mandir while the chief architect was sculpting a mūrti. The sculptor did not notice that the visitor was the king himself, and thought that it was his servant boy. The sculptor said, “Make me a paan.” The King respectfully rolled betel nuts in a paan leaf and gave it to the sculptor, who took them without noticing that it was the king’s hand that had given him the paan. After chewing the paan for a while, he wanted to spit out some saliva and said, “Boy, please bring my spittoon.” The king humbly and quietly gave it to the sculptor. After the sculptor had spat into the spittoon and raised his head, he was shocked to see that his ‘servant’ was none other than the king. The sculptor was terrified and fell at the king’s feet asking for forgiveness. But the humble king lifted him from the ground and with a smile said, “It was my honor to serve a great sculptor like you. Do not worry because I was not offended by your orders to me at all.” This incident shows that a good boss creates ideal conditions to bring out the best in his employees and does not hesitate to help them when needed.
When the temple was completed, the king fixed an auspicious day for its inauguration and hundreds of priests, cooks and entertainers were called up for service. The night before the ceremony however, the king had a dream. Bhagavān Shiva appeared before him and said he would be pleased to reside under the shelter provided by Alagi. The king was astounded. It was he who had planned and executed the temple project. His family, friends and allies had generously gifted money, images and jewels. Who was this Alagi that Shiva was speaking of? The next day, the King went to the temple, thinking that she lived there. But she was not to be found there. He sent out a search party for her.
She was soon found, living in a small hut. The emperor learned of her tireless efforts in taking care of the workers for several years during the hot afternoons, day after day, and her humble offering of a stone. Humbled by her devotion, the King went with folded hands to her hut, and respectfully brought her to the temple himself. He honored her before the crowd gathered before starting the ceremony for inaugurating for the temple. He proclaimed that her simple devotion had won favor in the eyes of the Lord, over and above all the material riches that made up the temple. This anecdote demonstrates that a good boss does not hog all the credit for the success of his projects but recognizes even the humblest contributions of his employees.
As stated above, a good employee builds bridges through collaborating and cooperating with his colleagues in a constructive manner-
Do not focus on your colleague’s flaws but plug his deficiencies and errors yourself to the best of your ability because doing a favor to someone is the best way to earn a friend. Shukranītisāra 2.222
A good employee is punctual and keeps his commitments about the work that he promises to complete-
“I will complete your work,” don’t give such a promise to others if you cannot fulfill it. Rather, complete what you have promised. Shukranītisāra 2.223
Many other passages about professional ethics to be followed by a good employee or his supervisor may be likewise cited from Hindu scriptures. All these values and teachings are highly relevant to professionally active adults who spend a third to half of their day at work to earn money and support their families.
7.14 Work Life Balance
We should work to live, not live to work. A professional career is a subset of one’s life, not one’s entire life. Workaholics often excel in their career at great personal costs-
A man who is addicted to working and making money does not really achieve much because in that process, he gives up his values, he neglects his family, abandons his mother and leaves the place where he is happy and goes off to live in a foreign land where he is not comfortable and happy. Panchatantra of Vishnu Sharma
Family must come before work. At his or her deathbed, no one thinks about a presentation that he would have delivered to his colleagues were he healthy. Our priorities must be correct, and being there for the family emotionally, physically (and not just financially) is extremely important. A nanny can never replace a parent except in rare cases. Parents need to be present in their children’s lives, and workplace pressures cannot be a perpetual excuse-
Pay attention to your professional work during the day, and reflect on your wealth and means of increasing it during the evening. During the night, think about protecting your assets. But keep an eye on your children’s welfare day and night. Chāṇakya Rājanītisamucchaya 4.5
To prevent burnout, one needs to be centered emotionally and spiritually. Manu describes a practical way to keep one’s sanity in this world of extremely demanding and stressful workplace-
A learned person should wake up at the time sacred to Brahmā (= 48 minutes before sunrise) and reflect on his duties and wealth, on the effort needed to fulfill the former and obtain the latter, and on the inner meaning of the Vedas. Manusmriti 4.92
At dawn, after he has risen, answered the call of nature and purified himself, he should spend some time meditating on himself, quietly chanting prayers, and he should do the same at the proper time at dusk. Manusmriti 4.93
Thus, being a morning person, spending some time in self-reflection at the beginning and the end of the day (the ‘me time’), planning for the day ahead in the morning, and reminding oneself daily of what is really important to him, namely, the spiritual core of his being, can be very helpful in breezing through stressful situations, staying true to one’s core moral values and remaining contended and happy even when the professional and other challenges become overwhelming.
7.15 Fiscal Responsibility and Conscious Living
Rarely is wealth earned by good luck or inherited. Most of us have to work hard to get it. And when the results of our labor bring forth a great reward, we must rejoice and value our accomplishments-
Do not gamble, instead labor in your fields. Value the importance of wealth and rejoice when you earn it. Rigveda 10.34.13ab
The Vedas also proclaim that ‘God helps those who help themselves’-
The Devas are companions of none except who work hard. Rigveda 4.33.11
They (the Devas) do not like sleep. They, who are always awake, punish the immoral. Rigveda
8.2.18
Fiscal prudence is important in addition to earning a decent income. Some people earn a lot of money but squander it away because they do not conserve, grow or spend it wisely. Every day, we read stories in the media of wealthy entertainers, sportspersons and so on who earned a lot of money but lacked fiscal prudence. They were unable to handle their wealth and were soon reduced to penury due to inappropriate financial choices. Therefore, Rishi Shukra says-
No one is a greater fool than he who is skillful at earning wealth but does not know how to protect his assets. His efforts to enhance his wealth are a waste. Shukranītisāra 4.2.36
Every a single, potentially expensive vice or habit can drain one of his or her entire wealth. In the Mahabharata, the eldest Pandava brother Yudhishthira had all the noble qualities – truth, politeness, forgiveness, generosity and so on. But he had a single addiction – gambling. That one bad habit proved to be a disaster. His siblings had to live in poverty and exile for thirteen years, his wife was dishonored in public and he had to wage a life-threatening war to get back what was rightfully his. Yudhishthira’s example shows that we must be conscious of our flaws always and not squander away hard earned wealth to satiate our addictions.
There is some truth in the statement that those who inherit a lot of wealth or become rich quickly are the worst when it comes to squandering away their wealth. In contrast, hard-working individuals who know the real value of money earned gradually through their sweat of the brow are more careful with how they use their resources and do not become a riches to rags example easily-
Just as a pitcher eventually fills up drop by drop, likewise, one advances in all branches of knowledge, in Dharma and in acquisition of wealth gradually. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 12.21
One must never try to become rich or knowledgeable quickly for this reason. There are no short cuts in life. The story of Yavakrīta from the Mahābhārata may be cited in this regard.
Conscious living involves keeping an eye on the future – its possible rewards and challenges, and plan for the same. ‘Live in the present’ has become a popular phrase today but being oblivious of the past and future is not really wise. Prevention is better than cure. One must foresee and plan for dealing with future challenges and less fortunate circumstances-
One who plans and provides for the future, and one who is possessed of the presence of mind – these two lead their life happily. The procrastinator meets with his destruction. Mahābhārata 12.137.1 A wise person who desires his good apprehends approaching trouble in the future and takes step proactively to avert the possible mishap or untoward happening. Rāmāyaṇa 3.2.11
Additionally, conscious living also involves understand the relative priorities in our life, what comes first and is more important, and what comes last. A sane advice, which is also repeated by numerous life-coaches in modern times is stated in ancient Hindu texts-
One should learn to distinguish between extremely important and unimportant tasks. The first should be prioritized for completion, and the latter can be taken care at a later time. Shukranītisāra 3.146
The Pareto principle teaches that 80% of the problems are result from 20% of the issues. Therefore, rather than wasting our energy on trivial issues that can drain our energy, we should tackle the bigger issues first.
Some parents think mistakenly that their duties towards children stops at pampering them with riches and fulfilling all their material wants. A good parent not only provides financially for his children and fulfills their material needs, he/she also raises them to be fiscally independent and prudent adults so that they do not become dependent on others or feel entitled. A good parent does not saddle his children with his debts after death-
That father who ensures that his children get education and settle in a profitable profession, who always gives them good values and who does not leave behind any debt for them to repay – He alone is said to be a loving father. Shukranītisāra 3.253
The following teaching, found in many Hindu texts like the Manusmriti etc., summarizes the attitude that a householder ought to have towards earning, conserving, spending, multiplying and distribution his wealthy-
Try to earn wealth if you don’t have it. When you have earned wealth, protect it. And while you guard your wealth, always grow it. And when your wealth has grown, share it with deserving people. Panchatantra of Vishnu Sharma
7.16 Multiplying One’s Wealth
Hindu Dharma does not believe that wealth is inherently evil. In fact, it provides a foundation for Dharma-
Dharma is the root of all happiness. But Artha (wealth) lies at the base of Dharma. Chāṇakya Sūtra
1-2
Not just Dharma, wealth is a component of the Artha Puruṣhārtha and is needed to enjoy the finer pleasures of life (Kāma) as well-
First of all, one should try to earn wealth, because it is through wealth that one can enhance his good qualities and attain the first three goals of human life. Bhaviṣhya Purāṇa 1.6.19
The famous Hiraṇyagarbha Sūkta of the Rigveda closes with a verse request the Lord for treasures-
Lord of the Creation, none but You are within everything that exists. May all that we pray to You for come to us and may we be masters of many treasures. Rigveda 10.121.10
The Veda-s also have prayers for specific professions asking for multiplying their respective forms of wealth and remove impediments in the path of prosperity-
[A merchant’s prayer] I implore Lord Indra, the Divine Lord who has become the merchant. May He come to us and become our guide, driving out the malevolent, the robber and the wild beasts who rob us of our treasures. May He, the Almighty, give us wealth. Atharvaveda 3.15.1
[Prayer of a Farmer] The Lord of our Farmlands is our friend. With His help, we a get a bountiful harvest that nourishes us and our cattle and horses. May He be gracious to us by enhancing our crop. Rigveda 4.57.1
The famous Chamakaṃ liturgy in the Yajurveda also has the worshipper asking the Lord for all conceivable forms of wealth – grains, metals, animals, gems etc. But mere prayer without efforts does not beget wealth.
One must possess several noble qualities to become wealthy-
Knowledge, courage, cleverness, strength and persistence – these are the five friends in whose company a wise man lives his life. Shukranītisāra 4.1.13
Conversely, one aspiring to become wealthy must also shun several vices-
One who wants to succeed and prosper in this world must give up the following six vices – sleeping during daytime, excessive sleeping during the night, lack of courage, anger, laziness and procrastination. Shukranītisāra 3.54
In short, whatever it takes to enhance one’s wealth – arts, sciences or professions involving skill or labor, one must strive to earn it:
He should aspire to earn wealth through craftsmanship, sciences or through arts, because all tasks of Dharma require wealth to accomplish, and the other goals like kāma (pleasure) are also fulfilled only with the help of wealth. Bhaviṣhya Purāṇa 1.6.21
7.17 Choosing between Profit and Morality
Profit or financial gain for oneself is a legitimate and legal goal as well as a major motivation for any professional work whether it is working for others or it is running one’s own business. The first principle of earning profit is that it must be earned while sticking to the principles of Dharma and with a deep sense of reverence towards the Divine, with one’s own skills and abilities-
Let a man respect wealth and try to earn it by the path of Dharma and by worship. Let him use his own intellect and enhance his mental capabilities to earn that wealth. Rigveda 10.31.2
As stated above in section 7.1, wealth earned through Adharma is not permitted and eventually leads one to unhappiness and ruin. There is a fine line between profit and greed. The first principle to prevent oneself from crossing that line is described in this mantra in the Vedas-
Whatever ever-changing objects exist in these destructible worlds, they all must be regarded as indwelt (or enveloped) by the Divine Ruler. By this understanding, enjoy all objects with a spirit of renunciation. Do not ever covet anyone’s wealth. Īshāvāsya Upaniṣhad 1
One must not be attached to money, consider himself merely as a caretaker of money on behalf of the Lord, enjoy it with a spirit of detachment, not covet anything that belongs to others and understand that everything material is destructible and only the indwelling Lord is eternal.
In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna gives a long description of those who are overpowered by ego, greed, materialism-
Krishna said:
Pārtha, Pretentiousness, arrogance, excessive ego/pride, anger, cruelty, and ignorance – these are all found in those who are born with demonic wealth. Gita 16.4
The demonic do not know Pravritti (Karma done in a way of action that leads to rebirth) or the way of Nivritti (Karma performed in a way that leads to Moksha). Neither purity, nor proper conduct, nor truth is found in them. Gita 16.7
They say that the universe is untruth, without a foundation and without a Lord, nor brought about in a proper cause and effect sequence. How else, then? By lust alone. Gita 16.8
Giving themselves up to insatiable desires, full of hypocrisy, excessive pride and arrogance, having accepted wrong views due to delusion, they act with impure resolves. Gita 16.10
Clinging to innumerable anxiety which would end only with their death, looking upon the gratification of desires as their highest goal, convinced that this is all…Gita 16.11
Clinging to innumerable anxiety which would end only with their death, looking upon the gratification of desires as their highest goal, convinced that this is all…Gita 16.11
“This has been obtained by me today, this desire I shall fulfill, this is mine, and this wealth also shall be mine….Gita 16.13
“…I am rich and high-born. Who else is equal to me? I shall perform yajnas, I shall give, I shall rejoice.” Thus say they who are deluded by ignorance. Gita 16.15
Self-conceited, obstinate, filled with the pride and arrogance of wealth, they perform yajnas which are so only in name, with ostentation and without regard to Vedic rules. Gita 16.17
This is the threefold gate to hell leading to the destruction of the ātman – lust (desire), likewise anger, greed. Therefore, one should relinquish these three. Gita 16.21
The three gateways of hell are desire, anger and greed because of the following reason-
Now, a man has three extremely dreadful enemies called lust, anger, and greed, especially a man living in the householder’s order of life, because of his attachment to possessions. Vishnu
Dharmasūtra 33.1-2
When a man hoards beyond his basic needs while others around him live in deprivation, his profit takes the form of greed. There is sufficient in this world for everyone’s needs but not sufficient for even a single avaricious person’s greed-
If one were to possess all the grains of rice and barley on the earth, if one were to possess all the gold, if one were to become the master of all the cattle wealth on the earth or if one were to indulge in sexual union with all the women on the earth-- he will discover that even this is not sufficient to satiate his thirst. Brahma Purāṇa 10.41
In the Greek records of Alexander’s invasion of Northwest India, the following incident is recorded wherein a Hindu ascetic shames the Emperor for his cruelty and greed-
Story: Sage Dandamis is not Intimidated by Emperor Alexander’s Threats or Enticements The following is an excerpt from J.W. McCrindle’s translation of Greek historians who accompanied Alexander to India.
“They (the Brahmanas) subsist upon such fruits as they can find, and on wild herbs, which the earth spontaneously produces, and drink only water. They wander about in the woods, and sleep at night on pallets of the leaves of trees…….
King Alexander, accordingly, when he heard of all this, was desirous of learning the doctrines of the sect, and so he sent for this Dandamis, as being their teacher and president. Onesikratês was therefore dispatched to fetch him, and when he found the great sage, he said, “Hail to thee, thou teacher of the Bragmanes. The son of the mighty god Zeus, king Alexander, who is the sovereign lord of all men, asks you to go to him, and if you comply, he will reward you with great and splendid gifts, but if you refuse will cut off your head.” Dandamis, with a complacent smile, heard him to the end, but did not so much as lift up his head from his couch of leaves, and while still retaining his recumbent attitude returned this scornful answer:—
“God, the supreme king, is never the author of insolent wrong, but is the creator of light, of peace, of life, of water, of the body of man, and of souls, and these he receives when death sets them free, being in no way subject to evil desire. He alone is the god of my homage, who abhors slaughter and instigates no wars. “But Alexander is not God, since he must taste of death, and how can such as he be the world’s master, who has not yet reached the further shore of the river Tiberoboas, and has not yet seated himself on a throne of universal dominion? Moreover, Alexander has neither as yet entered living into Hades, nor does he know the course of the sun through the central regions of the earth, while the nations on its boundaries have not so much as heard his name.
“If his present dominions are not capacious enough for his desire, let him cross the Ganges river, and he will find a region able to sustain men if the country on our side be too narrow to hold him.
“Know this, however, that what Alexander offers me, and the gifts he promises, are all things to me utterly useless; but the things which I prize, and find of real use and worth, are these leaves which are my house, these blooming plants which supply me with dainty food, and the water which is my drink, while all other possessions and things, which are amassed with anxious care, are wont to prove ruinous to those who amass them, and cause only sorrow and vexation, with which every poor mortal is fully fraught. But as for me, I lie upon the forest leaves, and, having nothing which requires guarding, close my eyes in tranquil slumber; whereas had I gold to guard, that would banish sleep. The earth supplies me with everything, even as a mother her child with milk. I go wherever I please, and there are no cares with which I am forced to cumber myself, against my will.
“Should Alexander cut off my head, he cannot also destroy my soul. My head alone, now silent, will remain, but the soul will go away to its Master, leaving the body like a torn garment upon the earth, whence also it was taken. I then, becoming spirit, shall ascend to my God, who enclosed us in flesh, and left us upon the earth to prove whether when here below we shall prove obedient to his ordinances, and who also will require of us, when we depart hence to his presence, an account of our life, since he is judge of all proud wrong doing; for the groans of the oppressed become the punishments of the oppressors.
“Let Alexander, then terrify with these threats those who wish for gold and for wealth, and who dread death, for against us these weapons are both alike powerless, since the Brahmanas neither love gold nor fear death. Go, then, and tell Alexander this: ‘Dandamis has no need of aught that is yours, and therefore will not go to you, but if you want anything from Dandamis come you to him.’ ”
Alexander, on receiving from Onesikratês a report of the interview, felt a stronger desire than ever to see Dandamis, who, though old and naked, was the only antagonist in whom he, the conqueror of many nations, had found more than his match.”[34]
It is better to pursue an honest and noble profession that might not be much profitable or generate a high income than amassing wealth through exploitation and motivated by unchecked greed. A beautiful story is narrated from the life of Guru Nanak (1469-1539 CE) illustrating how he favored a hard working worker over a rich landlord-
The Two Rotis: Once, Guru Nanak visited the village of Saidpur (now called Eminabad in Pakistan). He received an invitation to eat lunch from a rich village leader Malik Bhago who worked for an oppressive chief as well from as a poor carpenter named Bhai Lalo. He decided to accept Lalo’s invitation and eat his dry and humble food of Lalo instead of the delicacies offered by Bhago. As a result, Malik Bhago got upset and demanded an explanation. Guru Nanak picked a Roti (flat bread) each from the plates offered by Bhai Lalo and Malik Bhago in his two hands and squeezed them. To everyone’s surprise, blood trickled from Bhago’s Roti, whereas sweet milk flowed from Bhai Lalo’s. Guru Nanak explained, “Bhago, your food is stained with blood because you work for an oppressive Nawab to exploit the poor. Whereas, Lalo’s bread is earned by hard and honest labor and he always shares his meager earnings with the poor. Therefore, his Roti is saturated with sweet milk.”
Another story in the Hindu tradition gives an example of how a greedy merchant mended his ways and became a great saint-
Story: How a Miser became a great Saint
This is a story of Purandara Dasa (1484-1564), who is traditionally considered the founder of Carnatic (S. Indian) music. Purandara was born to a very kind trader and jeweler Varadappa Naik and his wife after the couple prayed to Lord Venkateshvara for a child. Varadappa was very wealthy, but he was also very kind towards the poor and needy. In his old age, he handed over his shop of gems and pawning to his son Sreenivasa and married him to a very pious wife Saraswati. Sreenivasa completely changed the nature of the business. He was a very business minded and a hard heated person. He cared only about maximizing his profits, and did not give anything from his income in charity to the poor and the needy. He stuck very hard bargains with poor and had no pity over their condition. As a result of his
miserliness and his business acumen, the family business greatly prospered. Sarasvati, on the other hand, was a very kind hearted woman who liked to help the poor. But Sreenivasa forbade her to give anything in charity to anyone. Varadappa tried to make his son see the virtues of sharing and caring, but without success.
One day, Varadappa fell very sick. The physician suggested giving Varadappa the ash of some burned precious gems. But the miser son Sreenivasa simply rejected the idea of spending a lot of money to procure the gems. Saraswati tried to reason with her husband that his father’s life was more precious than any gem, but he merely said – “Father is very old and will die one day anyway. Why waste money on the gems for getting the medicinal ash?”
Varadappa soon died. Sreenivasa continued his old ways of being a merciless pawn shop and amassed so much wealth that people gave him the nickname ‘navakoti’ or “the owner of 90 million.”
One day, a poor Brahmana came to beg some money at Sreenivasa’s shop for performing the thread ceremony of his son. Sreenivasa was by now a notorious miser. So he was surprised that some had actually come to ask him for money! Instead of declining any help, he merely told the Brahmana to come the following day. When the Brahmana came the next day, Sreenivasa asked him to come later. This kept repeating day after day, but the miser Sreenivasa would just not relent.
One day, while cleaning his shop, Sreenivasa found a box of fake and worthless coins. When the Brahmana came the next time, he gave that box of coins to him say – “This should be enough money for you to perform the thread ceremony.”
The Brahmana of course found out that the coins were fake and worthless. He decided to be elsewhere and coincidentally, landed up at Sreenivasa’s home. Sreenivasa was away in his shop, and the Brahmana said to Saraswati (not knowing that she was his wife or that it was his home) – “I went for six months day after day to this miser and heartless merchant begging for a small amount of money which I needed to perform my son’s thread ceremony. Finally, the cheat gave me a box of fake coins which were worthless. Could you help me?”
Saraswati of course realized who the poor Brahmana was referring too. She felt really ashamed of her husband’s niggardliness. But she had been forbidden by Sreenivasa to give anything in charity. Suddenly, she realized that the diamond nose-ring that she wore was gifted by her own mother. Therefore, it was not the property of husband and she could gift it to the Brahmana.
The Brahmana thanked the gracious lady with tears in his eyes. Then, he went to Sreenivasa’s hop and asked him to pawn it and give him some money instead for his son’s ceremony. When Sreenivasa saw the expensive nose-ring, he was perplexed because it was identical to what his wife wore. So he told the Brahmana to come the following day, giving the excuse that he needed a day to evaluate its price before he could pawn it and give money in return. He locked the nose-ring in his shop and went home for dinner.
At home, he asked his wife to produce her nose-ring. Saraswati was terrified. She was already disgusted with her husband’s miserly behavior. Now she was worried that he might scold her for gifting away her expensive gold ring. Under the pretext of getting it from the bedroom, Saraswati went to the kitchen. She decided to commit suicide by grinding the diamonds of her bracelet and eating them with water. So she ground diamonds in a pestle-mortar and had mixed them with water in a glass. Just as she was about to drink the poison, she heard something fall from the ceiling into the glass. It was the nose-ring! She was overjoyed and bowed to the mūrti of Lord Vishnu for the miracle.
But when she took the nose-ring to Sreenivasa, it was his turn to get shocked. He thought that someone must have stolen it from the shop. He rushed to the shop and found that the nose-ring was missing from the safe. He returned home and asked Saraswati to tell the truth. She told him how she had gifted the ornament to a poor Brahmana who had been cheated with fake coins, and how she was about to commit suicide for the fear of her husband when a miracle saved her.
That night, Sreenivasa could not sleep. He concluded that it could have been only Lord Vishnu who had appeared as the Brahmana. The following morning, he said to his wife – “Saraswati, you have opened my eyes. I had been blinded by the love of wealth. This greed made me kill my own father. I also ill-treated Bhagavān Vishnu who came to my hut in the guise of a Brahmana. And then due to the same greed, I was going to lose you – my wonderful wife. What a sinner I am, whereas how blessed my wife is. She conducted herself so much more graciously and honorably than
I!”
From that day, Sreenivasa, who was 30 years of age then, had a change of heart. He decided to donate all his wealth to the poor and the needy. His wife was overjoyed. Together, the couple and their children decided to roam from one pilgrim center to another inside the Vijayanagara Empire in S India, singing the praises of God. Ten years later, during his travel, Sreenivasa met Saint Vyasatīrtha, a scholar who followed the philosophy of Saint Madhvacharya (13th cent. CE). Vyasatīrtha initiated Sreenivasa to Sannyāsa, giving him the name ‘Purandara Dāsa’.
Purandara Dasa composed thousands of soul-stirring and melodious songs in praise of Lord Vishnu and his various forms. Almost 1000 of these survive today. He systematized the method of teaching Carnatic music which is followed to this day. One of his disciples, Swami Haridasa, became a famous Hindustani classical musician, and was the guru of Tansen, the legendary musician of north India. So, Purandara Dasa influenced the musical tradition of the entire Indian subcontinent. His very first musical composition starts with the words of lament for having wasted his earlier years in material indulgences.
Sreenivasa Naik realized that true happiness can never result from pursuing wealth as the ultimate goal in our life. Doing this makes us so greedy and
heartless that we lose all love and respect for even our near and dear ones. True happiness results only when we pursue God as our final goal in our life. This realization made the heartless miser a saint, and gave him the eternal peace that he was searching for.
It is said that he and his wife became so indifferent towards wealth that one day the king of the Vijayanagara Empire decided to test them. One morning, as the couple went around begging for the food, the king disguised himself as a commoner and poured in their vessel a mixture of rice and diamonds. Purandara Dāsa did not realize it at that time and took the donation home. The king followed them and waited at their door, hiding himself, to see how the couple would react after seeing the diamonds.
A while later, as the wife took the donation to sift the rice from the diamonds, she complained to her husband, “People have become very unethical these days. Look, how many of these worthless stones they have mixed in our rice.” Say this, she gathered the stones and threw them outside her hut. The king was humbled when he saw that a couple devoted to Bhagavān really have very little use for worldly riches.
7.18 Coping with Financial Loss
In the Hindu tradition, Devī Lakshmi is said to be ‘fickle’ because wealth, which she represents, does not stay in one place forever. Ups and downs natural to all financial undertakings. While one has wealth, he should use a portion of it for acts of Dharma-
The wise man understands that wealth does not stay with anyone permanently. Therefore, the man of faith should use his assets for charity and perform yajnas in this world. Mahābhārata 12.26.27
If one were to lose his wealth and become poor, he must not grieve or feel depressed because these negative emotions will not help him regain his wealth-
He who grieves over what is past gets neither wealth, nor virtue nor glory. He merely continues to grieve over his loss, but does not regain what he has lost. Mahābhārata 12.330.7
Instead, he should try to uplift himself through his own efforts, with courage and fortitude-
Let a man lift himself by himself; because we alone are our own friend and we are also our own enemy. Gita 6.5
Sometimes, things are beyond our control. Despite repeated efforts, bad luck can keep success away. But even then, grieving does not solve any problems-
Likewise, a wise man must not let his mind grieve over tasks that are not fulfilled even if had tried all proper means and had worked really hard. Mahābhārata 5.34.7
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The brave and the noble do not let misfortune lower their self-confidence and work hard to regain their prior good fortune-
A noble person falls like a ball, which bounces up from its fall. Generally, the misfortunes of the noble are not ever lasting. A low spirited person however falls like a lump of clay that gets smashed and does not rise up after hitting a low. Nītishataka of Bhartrihari
A single or even a few mistakes or misfortune cannot define one’s entire life or character. Regret or repentance does not mean that one indulges in incessant self-flagellation instead of expending efforts to improve one’s condition. Instead, it is better to have a forward looking, positive attitude-
A person should not continue to condemn himself for his past failures. He should exert to gain prosperity till the last day of his life, and not think that it is hard to obtain. Manusmriti 4.137
Chāṇakya lists the following qualities that can help one defeat bad luck-
One who possesses the qualities of hard work, enthusiasm, perseverance, strength, intelligence and courage can defeat his bad luck. Chāṇakya Rajanītishataka 96
A story of grit and determination illustrates how an orphan turned around his misfortune into a life of wealth and luxury-
“My father, a prosperous man, died just before I was born. His wealth was usurped by his brothers. My widowed mother raised me in poverty by doing menial tasks for others. When I grew up, she said to me, ‘Be worthy of your father, who was a great merchant.’ I was inspired to come out of poverty. I begged someone to give me a dead rat. I sold it as food to a cat-owner. With that money, I bought a little gram, ground it into flour and gave it to travelers with water at a highway. Each one of them gave me some money out of gratitude. I used the collected money to buy wood in a village and carried it to a city to sell for profit. I did this every day till I could buy larger quantities of wood for sale. One day, there was flooding and wood supply was short. I was able to sell wood at a greater profit. Eventually, I opened a shop with my money to sell consumer goods. In this way, by being resourceful, fiscally prudent and hard-working, I became a rich man from being a penniless poor orphan.” Kathāsaritsāgara of Somadeva
7.19 Sharing, Spending, Saving
The student, hermit or the ascetic do not earn their own income and largely subsist on the charity or donations of householders. Therefore, giving charity is not normally expected during the other three stages of life. The householder is entitled to spend the income earned through his own efforts for their personal pleasure (Kāma). But it is also their duty (Dharma) to share it with the deserving because he who does not share his possessions with others consumes only evil-
“The food of that person who does not share it with others is a waste indeed. I truly say this, that his food becomes his death, not his life. A miser neither feeds the hungry guest, nor does he offer food to God. Eating for himself alone, he becomes a consumer of sin alone!” Rigveda 10.117.6
I (God) abandon that person who eats before sharing his food with others. But I never forsake that person who gives food to the hungry before eating himself. I am the Lord of all food (annadevata). I take away the food of him who eats without giving; and I nurture and give food in plenty to that person who considers giving food as important as feeding himself.” Yajurveda (Taittiriya Brahmana 2.8.8.3)
The man who cooks for himself eats nothing but evil, for it is ordained that the food remaining from the Yajna is the food for virtuous men. Manusmriti 3.118
The righteous, consuming what is left after the Yajnas, are freed from all evil. But the wicked who cook only for themselves indeed eat only evil. Gita 3.13
In fact, the very wealth of a person who does not share with others or does not consume himself is a waste-
Whatever a man gives in charity every day, and whatever a man uses for his enjoyment everyday – that alone do I consider the wealth of a person. But that wealth that one does not donate or enjoy is merely under his protection, and does not really belong to him (so to speak). Vyāsa Smriti 4.16 That portion of one’s wealth which is donated or enjoyed alone truly belongs to its owner, because when the owner dies, his wealth and wife are ravished by someone else. Vyāsa Smriti 4.17 They who hoard their wealth, what benefit will they do to their soul? Because the body for nourishing and adorning which all this wealth is hoarded is not going to last forever. Vyāsa Smriti 4.18
This body and one’s wealth do not last forever, because death is always at hand. Therefore, instead of hoarding wealth, one should accumulate Dharma (virtue). Vyāsa Smriti 4.19
That portion of one’s wealth which is not used for the sake of Dharma, or for fulfilling one’s desires or for obtaining fame will have to be abandoned eventually in this very world when one goes to the other world after death. Then why not just donate this extra wealth to others? Vyāsa Smriti 4.20
Hoarded wealth not being put to use through enjoyment or charity is like water in a stagnant pond. Wealth is best preserved by keeping it in circulation-
Wealth can be protected through its proper distribution (not hoarding), just as a pool of water is preserved (stays fresh) if it has an outlet (to keep water circulating). Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa
7.14
How much should one donate? A general recommendation is that charity should be a tenth of one’s income-
From whatever you have earned lawfully, the wise give the tenth part in charity simply as their duty and for the love of God. Skanda Purāṇa
Of course, the wealthy have more disposable income that the poor. And a poor person’s meager charity given with faith is more valuable than the immense donations of a rich person given with ego and pride.
Krishna classifies charity into three categories from the highest to the lowest-
The charity which is given with the sentiment ‘It ought be given,’ To one who may not have done us a favor in the past, or will not return the favor, In the proper place and time, to the appropriate person – That charity is considered to be Sattvic. Gita 17.20
But charity which is given with expectation of a return favor, Or with a desire for the fruit (of doing the good deed), And which is given with a grudging mood – That charity is considered to be Rajasic.
Gita 17.21
The charity which is given at the wrong place and time, To unworthy persons,
Without respect and with contempt (or indifference) – That is declared to be Tamasic. Gita 17.22
To whom should one give charity? Those who are needy and deserving. Sharing one’s riches with already affluent people or those who are evil and non-deserving is a waste-
Keep in mind the two potential misuses of your wealth – charity to an undeserving person, and not giving alms to a deserving person. Mahābhārata 12.26.31
The householder should acquire wealth through means that accord with Dharma, distribute it to righteous people, refrain from giving wealth to unrighteous people unless he is threatened by them. He should spread harmony among people and enjoy those pleasures that are not prohibited by Dharma. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.20.19-23
The householder can give money to a supplicant only for the following purposes – for his teacher, wedding, for yajna, to support his parents or for the sake of a person who is unable to perform his obligatory duty due to lack of money...But gratification of senses by the supplicant is not a valid reason for granting his request for money. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.10.1-3
A downpour in the ocean is unnecessary; feeding an over-fed and satiated man is superfluous; a charity made over to an affluent man is unnecessary and the meritorious actions of a base man are futile. Garuda Purāṇa 1.115.75
Rainfall over an ocean, feeding an already satiated person, charity to a rich person and lighting a lamp in day time are all a waste. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 5.16
Son of Kunti, provide for the poor instead of giving to the rich. It is the sick person who benefits from medicine. What is the benefit of giving medicine to one who is already healthy? Hitopadesha
2.15
Some people share their wealth with friends and relatives who are not needy and consider it charity. But our Rishis do not regard this as genuine charity-
Donating to someone who is one’s own is not called charity, it is merely a form of fulfilling one’s social obligations and does not bestow any social merit to the donor. Vyāsa Smriti 4.27b
Donating one’s extra items is better than hoarding things that one does not need and not sharing them with those who need them. But the best charity is sharing with others what one wants for himself or his family-
Whatever one asks to alleviate his sorrows or for the welfare of his family – that very thing one should search for and donate – this is the proper way of practicing charity. Daksha Smriti 3.29 He who desires to earn everlasting religious merit should gift to a virtuous person those very things that one desires to possess or are dear to oneself. Daksha Smriti 3.32
Some donate goods or money only when someone asks them or shows up at their doorstep. The best giver goes out of his way to find the needy and give charity to them-
The best charity is that where the donor goes to the site of the beneficiary. Medium grade charity is that in which the donor calls the beneficiary to his own place to give. And the lowest grade of charity which bears no fruit is one in which the donor gives only when begged by the votary or gives only in return for some service. Parāshara Smriti 1.29
Following are some illustrative verses on the great virtue of sharing, giving charity and helping others-
May we gather with a hundred hands and distribute with a thousand. Atharvaveda 3.24.5ab
Shri Krishna said to King Yudhishthira: “One who wishes his own well-being in this life and in the life after death should offer food to all those who are hungry. Give food at the right time, at the right time, to the right person and to the limits of one’s capacity even if it causes some inconvenience to one’s own family. Finding an elder, a child, a tired and hungry traveler or a respectable visitor at his door, the householder should invite him and feed him with hospitality, grace, respect and joy. Do not judge a person from his learning or lineage if he shows up at your door. Feed with reverence anyone who comes hungry to your home, be he an outcaste or an uncivilized person who eats dogmeat. He who shuts the door to a hungry visitor and enjoys food alone will find that the doors of heaven will be shut upon him. The giver of food is the giver of life. To desire your good, give food, give food, give food.” Mahābhārata, Anushāsana Parva (Vaishṇavadharma in the Southern Recension)
One who serves to the best of his ability someone who is thirsty, hungry, tired, dirty or sick gets all his desires fulfilled. Bhaviṣhya Purāṇa 1.171.34
Arrange for the medical care of the ill and those who are your dependents, and treat them with respect. Bhaviṣhya Purāṇa 1.13.23
The person who exerts considerably to procure firewood for a needy person in the cold season obtains physical vigor, wisdom, good appearance and good fortune. Samvartta Smriti 58 He who gives medicine, Ghee and food to the sick; and mixes these to offer to the sick attains a good health, happiness and a long life. Samvartta Smriti 59
O elder brother! If you have been blessed with prosperity, then let the following always dwell in your home while you are a householder – elderly relative, a distressed person who hails from a good family, a poor friend, and a sister who has no son. Mahābhārata 5.33.70
His life goal alone is accomplished due to whose help his friends, family and Brahmanas live (comfortably), for who does not live for himself? Vyāsa Smriti 4.21
Even animals live merely for the sake of filling their own stomachs. Then what is distinguished about that man’s long life, strength and security if he does not give charity? Vyāsa Smriti 4.22
Some do not have the generosity to give a bite or even half a bite of food to a needy person (because of the excuse that he will donate only when he gets more money in future), but is there any surety about the time or the amount of wealth that one will get in future? Vyāsa Smriti 4.23
His life alone is meaningful on who depend on the lives of many others. But he who lives merely to fill his own stomach is dead even though alive. Daksha Smriti 2.37
Therefore, he who desires his own progress should always give alms to the poor, the orphans and distinguished persons (such as scholars etc.); for he who does not give alms to these lives on the fate of others (i.e., on the good will of others, so to speak). Daksha Smriti 2.39
The following story illustrates multiple facets of the Hindu notions of Charity-
Story: “During his stay in America, Swami Vivekananda generally cooked his own meals. When there were other persons around in his house during mealtime, he first served food to his guests before taking meals.
One day when Vivekananda was about to take his meals, a group of boys rang the bell. Welcoming the children in, Swami Ji enquired whether they had taken their meals. The boys told him that they had not eaten anything and were feeling hungry. Vivekananda asked the boys to take meals at his house. However, because he had prepared the food for himself only, nothing was left for him after the guests had eaten.
Nevertheless, Vivekananda appeared very happy and satisfied. An American lady, present in the house at that time was surprised at the reaction of Vivekananda. She queried, “When there was not sufficient food why did you invite the boys to take food at your home?”
Vivekananda replied, “The need of the soul is greater than the hunger of the body. If I had taken meals myself, while there were hungry persons around me, my soul would never have forgiven me for my selfishness. By feeding these hungry children, I satisfied the hunger of my soul. The memory of satisfaction on the faces of these hungry children after they had taken meals will always make me happy.””[35]
7.20 Charity Begins At Home
Sharing and giving charity is a virtue but excessive charity can impoverish oneself. Taking care of oneself is also a duty that cannot be neglected. Therefore, the Vedas recommend moderation even with regard to the Dhārmic duty of charity-
The syllable Om belongs to the yonder world, and it is empty (because has no connection with the goods of this world). Therefore, if a man says Om (yes) to everything, then that which he gives away is wanting to him here. If he says Om (yes) to everything, then he would empty himself, and would not be capable of any enjoyments. But he who says the syllable ‘na’ (no) keeps everything to himself. But he acquires a bad reputation, which kills the man here in his very home (so to speak). Therefore, let a man give at the proper time and not at the wrong time. In this way, he unites with both the true (giving) and the untrue (not giving) and from the union of those two, he grows in fame and in prosperity. Rigveda, Aitareya Āraṇyaka 2.3.6.11-13
The duty to help others is superseded by the householder’s duty to serve and provide for his own family. Charity indeed begins at home. Helping others at the cost of one’s own or one’s family’s welfare due to whatever reason (excessive compassion/sympathy, desire to earn praise from others, desire to secure a better afterlife etc.) is not Dharma. Rather, it is Adharma.
A householder should give what he can to those who do not cook for themselves and he should distribute food to all beings, but without detriment to his family. Manusmriti 4.32
If a wealthy man is charitable towards strangers, while his own family lives in poverty, that fake virtue will first make him taste the sweets of fame, but afterwards will make him swallow the poison of punishment in hell. Manusmriti 11.9
If a man does anything for the sake of his happiness in the next world to the detriment of those whom he is bound to maintain in this life (his family members, servants etc.), that produces evil results for him, both while he lives and after he is dead. Manusmriti 11.10
In fact, even with regard to the performance of expensive Vedic religious ceremonies, the head of the household has to follow certain guidelines. These ceremonies or other acts of Dharma can be funded only if he has sufficient additional wealth to provide for his family for a significant period of time.
A man who has food sufficient to support his dependents for three years or more is eligible to drink Soma. Manusmriti 11.7
When a twice-born man who has much less wealth than that drinks Soma, he does not obtain its reward, even if he has previously drunk Soma. Manusmriti 11.8
Thus, a person who undertakes frequent pilgrimages at a great cost while his children do not have enough to eat or study is not doing the right thing.
7.21 Beware of Evils of Excessive Wealth
Wealth, its spending, saving and sharing are not evil inherently. But one must be conscious of the dangers of excessive wealth. The scriptures list several possible symptoms of ‘affluenza’, which can be a dangerous sickness-
Following are the fifteen flaws of character that originate due to wealth – theft, causing injury to others, false conduct, ostentation, desire, anger, pride, arrogance, divisiveness, animosity, distrust, competition, lewdness, gambling and additions to vices. Bhāgavata Purāṇa 11.23.18
7.22 Understand the Limitations of Wealth
Those who define their self-worth through the wealth that they have accumulated, lack compassion towards the needy, and have no moral scruples while earning it deceitfully forget that death overtakes all, we eventually leave all that we have hoarded on this earth and that excessive wealth cannot improve our afterlife at all-
Maitreyī said, ‘Sir, if indeed this whole earth full of wealth be mine, shall I be immortal through that?’ ‘No,’ replied Yājñavalkya, ‘your life will be just like that of people who have plenty of things, but there is no hope of immortality through wealth.’ Yajurveda, Brihadāraṇyaka Upanishad 2.4.2
When the body becomes weak due to old age, it cannot digest what one has eaten. Medicines become ineffective and I am unable to complete any work. It is sad that I do not even have the strength to walk around. My eyes cannot see anything. In this way, the householder who has false pride, is greedy for wealth and is extremely niggardly eventually attains death. Bhartrihari’s Vijñānashataka 50
Ensnared by the fetters of time, every creature definitely meets misfortune and death. There’s no other possibility. And yet, it is sad that people do not forsake their greed for wealth to benefit their ātmā nor do they make careful and conscious efforts to improve their next life. Bhartrihari’s Vijñānashataka 51
8.0 Pursuit of Kāma by the Married Couple
In the traditional Hindu scheme, after the Brahmachārī graduated from his college, he underwent the
Samāvarttana Saṃskāra, undertook a ritual bath and wore a garland. This signified that he will soon enter the next Āshrama – that of a householder, in which he can pursue things that were prohibited to him as a student. The married couple alone can wear expensive and beautiful clothes, apply perfumes and fragrant oils, wear jewelry, live in an expensive mansion, eat delicious foods etc. It is Dharmically acceptable for a married couple to pursue Kāma and the Vedas have several hymns that read like a love spell,[36] a prayer for a woman to get a husband,[37] a prayer for a couple to give birth to a child,[38] to woo a woman[39] and so on.
But even in the pursuit of Kāma, temperance and moderation is emphasized-
One may surely indulge in drinking, gambling, enjoying women, hunting, singing and music from instruments. It is overindulgence in them that is harmful. Mahābhārata 12.140.26 Everywhere, anything done in excess leads to danger. Rāmāyaṇa 5.24.21
The limits imposed by Dharma are that the husband and wife must be devoted to each other while enjoying the pleasures of life.
In that family, where the husband is pleased with his wife and the wife with her husband, happiness will assuredly be lasting. Manusmriti 3.60
For if the wife is not radiant with beauty, she will not attract her husband; but if she has no attractions for him, no children will be born. Manusmriti 3.61
If the wife sparkles, the entire household is radiant. But if she ceases to sparkle, all will appear dismal. Manusmriti 3.63
In particular, the women of the household must be respected, provided for and loved because the happiness of the entire household revolves around then.
Women must be honored and adorned by their fathers, brothers, husbands, and brothers-in-law, who desire their own welfare. Manusmriti 3.55
Where women are honored, there the Devas are pleased’ but where they are not honored, no religious ceremony bears any rewards. Manusmriti 3.56
Where the female relation live in grief, the family soon perishes; but that family where they are not unhappy ever prospers. Manusmriti 3.57
The homes on which female relatives, not being duly honored, pronounce a curse, perish completely, as if destroyed by magic. Manusmriti 3.58
Therefore, men who seek their own welfare, should always honor women on holidays and festivals with gifts of ornaments, clothes and (luxurious) food. Manusmriti 3.59
Too often, young couples lose sight of the fact that youth does not last forever. And yet, their desires continue to overpower them even in their old age when it is time to devote more time towards Moksha-
Bheeshma said- When a man becomes old, his body becomes old, hair become weak and fall off, and his ears and eyes become defective. Only his desires remain young and strong. Mahābhārata
13.7.24
The key to pursue Kāma is to understand that the primary purpose of a marriage is not to legitimize pleasures of the senses. Rather, marriage is a Samskāra, a Rite of Passage that sanctifies the couple
physically, mentally and spiritually; that allows them to repay their debt to the ancestors and provides them with a life-long companion to pursue the goals of Dharma and Moksha more vigorously.
In fact, Kāma must be shunned even if it is opposed to one’s material welfare (Artha), and not just if it is opposed to Dharma-
Pleasures (Kāma) whose pursuit is not opposed to Dharma or Artha must certainly be enjoyed to one’s fill but one must not exert towards foolish goals. Mahābhārata 5.39.47
What we become in the future is greatly dependent on what our priorities were in our childhood and during the early married life. Therefore, these stages must be lived carefully, and not solely for the sake of enjoyment.
Those who had been unmindful of studies during studentship and those who had wasted their wealth during youth in pursuit of lust fall into a miserable plight during old age slighted by others and burning within like the lotuses in the winter season. Garuda Purāṇa 1.109.50
8.1 The Little Pleasures of Life
Human life is beset with competing priorities, challenges galore, stress from various quarters and so on that can drive any sane person crazy. But a moderate indulgence in little pleasures of life, within one’s financial means, like playing cards, watching movies, vacation, sports or even meeting a friend are like these drops of honey that keep alive our will to keep marching forward and keep our sanity.
In the Mahabharata, Vidura narrates to Dhritarashtra the following story about the human condition. Its message is that although we are overwhelmed by all round challenges and stressful situations, the little pleasures of life enable us to keep our sanity and cope with difficult situation that we find ourselves in:
Story: The Human Condition and Little Pleasures of Life
Once, a certain Brahmin was caught in a vast thick forest which was inhabited by wild beasts like lions and tigers. Many snakes also lived in that forest. He became frightened and ran in circles to find a place of refuge. There was a pit in that forest, and its mouth was covered by trees, creepers and herbs. In his wanderings, the Brahmin fell into the pit. But before he could fall to the ground, he was held midway by the branches of the tree and the creepers. He was hanging head down and feet up. In this position, he saw a big venomous snake at the bottom of the pit. He also saw a huge elephant slowly approaching the pit. Several black and white mice were above the Brahmin, chewing at the creepers and branches from which the Brahmin was hanging.
On one of the branches above his head, there was a beehive. Numerous bees were hovering around the hive. Honey started trickling drop by drop down to his head. The Brahmin turned his head a bit and started drinking the honey to quench his thirst. With the elephant above him, the serpent below him, bees hovering around his head and the rats gnawing at the creepers that held him, the Brahmin, even in that hopeless situation, continued to sip the drops of honey.
8.2 Moderation in Kāma
A lack of discipline while pursuing pleasures, and addiction of even one of five sense organs can lead to complete ruin-
The deer, the elephant, the moth, the honeybee and the fish - these five are destroyed due to addiction to their five sense organs. [deer (ear) - listens to sweet music and thus caught by the hunter; elephant (touch) - caught through she-elephant; moth (eye) - attracted by the color of the flame and burnt; honeybee (nose) - attracted by the fragrance of lotus and caught within; fish (taste) - nibbles at the bait and thus caught. Even one of these organs is destructive. How is it possible that man who uses all the five will escape destruction?] Garuda Purāṇa 1.115.21.
The following is a beautiful story narrated in the Hindu texts like the Brahma Purāṇa and the Matsya Purāṇa-
Story: No one ever gets satisfied with Kāma
Many people say – “There is only one life. So let us enjoy. Who knows if there will be a tomorrow.” Hindu scriptures narrate the story of Emperor Yayati who was devoted excessively to the pleasures of senses. Emperor Yayati had two wives and many sons. He loved to live a ‘good’ life, indulging in all kinds of pleasure. When he grew old, he was unable to indulge in such pleasures, but his mind still longed for them. So he asked his sons to exchange his youth for his father’s old age. The first three sons refused, and out of anger, he cursed them. The fourth son Puru was very obedient and he exchanged his youth for his father’s old age.
And then, Yayati lived through another youth and enjoyed pleasures of senses. When he grew old again, he realized that he was still not satisfied. Now Yayati felt very guilty that he had cursed his own sons, and deprived his own obedient son of his youth which had rightfully belonged to his son alone. And even after living a second youth, his desires for physical pleasures was not satisfied. He realized the folly of having deprived his own son of his youth, and narrated the following famous verses quoted in several Hindu scriptures (Brahma Purāņa 10.40-46):
"He who withdraws within himself all pleasures like the tortoise that draws his limbs within itself is indeed a person who has attained the state of Yoga. Never does desire for pleasure subside by indulging in their enjoyment. Just as the fire blazes all the more when Ghee is poured into it, so also it increases at every indulgence.
If one were to possess all the grains of rice and barley on the earth, if one were to possess all the gold, if one were to become the master of all the cattle wealth on the earth or if one were to marry all women on the earth-- he will discover that even this is not sufficient to satiate his thirst.
That being so, one should not be deluded by these things. When one does not have any ill will towards any living
being, whether in mind, in word, or in deed, then only does one attain Brahman.
When one is not afraid of others, when none is afraid of him, or when one does not like or dislike others too much, then alone one attains Brahman.
Happiness befalls a person who eschews greed and covetousness-- evils which can never be eschewed by the wicked, evils which do not become old even when one's own body becomes old and decrepit, evils which are like an ailment that comes to end only when the vital airs die out.
When a man becomes old, his hair become old, his teeth become old; but alas! The hope and greed for wealth and a prolonged life never grows old!
The happiness that supposedly arises from indulgence in pleasures and also the great happiness that one attains in
heaven-- all these are not equal to even the 16th part of the happiness one attains when his greed is extinguished."
Yayati then decided to devote the remainder of his life to worship God, practice Yoga and understand the nature of the truth. And when he died, he went to heaven.
This story shows how a blind pursuit of pleasures of the senses (tongue, eyes, ears etc.) makes us so selfish that we forget the welfare of even our closest friends and family. Therefore, we should realize that there are more important things in life – Dharma and God. These alone should be our more important goals of life. Surely, we should pursue Kama and Artha, but with the understanding that Dharma and Moksha are more important than these two. What are intended to be ‘little pleasures’ must not become addictions or they will lead us to our total ruin.
8.3 The Sixty-Four Kalā-s
The Hindu civilization has an astonishing array of ‘Kalā-s’ or ‘skills, arts’ that are not merely a source of livelihood but also a source of pleasure and enjoyment. A traditional number enumerating the Kalā-s is 64 and a cultured citizen was expected to master at least some of them in order to experience life to the fullest.
One who is not engaged at all in music, literature and arts is merely a deformed animal bereft of tail and horns. Fortunately, he does not consume folder to live, leaving it for cattle who eat it for their survival. Nītishataka of Bhartrihari 12
The items in this group of 64 vary from text to text, but the partial list below will suffice to demonstrate the breadth of our civilization in the pursuit of pleasures of life:
1. Cooking (texts of Nala like Pākadarpaṇa etc.)
2. Gemology
3. Garland making
4. Sculpture
5. Painting
6. Music
7. Dance
8. Perfumery
9. Sports like Wrestling
10. Lovemaking
11. Science of Interpretation of Dreams
12. Palmistry
13. Hunting
14. Rearing and taking care of elephants, horses etc.
15. Horticulture
16. Algebra and Arithmetic
17. Astronomy and Astrology
18. Metallurgy
19. Geography
20. Poetry
21. Dramaturgy
22. Physical exercise
23. Gambling
24. Woodcrafts
25. Water sports
26. Art of disguise and magic
27. Board games and playing cards
Written texts or traditions for all these and many more forms of Kalā-s are a part of the Hindu civilization that has enabled Hindus to experience our lives to the fullest. A detailed consideration of these sixty-four (or more) Kalā-s is beyond the scope of the present compilation.
9.0 Dharma of a Couple – General Guidelines
Dharma manifests to its fullest extent in the state of the married householder. Often, in the Dharma texts, even the generic duties and expectations of conduct from all human beings are enumerated in the sections pertaining to the Dharma of the householder. In an overwhelming majority of cases, the Hindu householder does not proceed further into the classical Vānaprastha stage (even if becoming a retiree otherwise) and the Sannyāsa stage of life.
The description of the householder duties in Hindu sacred texts presume that the householder has previously undergone the stage of studentship (Brahmacharya) prescribed by them. But even if the householder has not been a Brahmachārī as prescribed by the scriptures, many of their general guidelines listed below still apply to them.
9.1 Lists of General Duties of a Married Couple
Some summary lists of the overall duties of the married householder are reproduced from the sacred texts below-
The nine duties of a householder are summarized as: Sandhya (twilight worship), bathing, japa, homa, study of Vedas, worshipping the Devas, performance of Bali Vaishvadeva, and feed an atitihi to whatever extent one can; and divide one’s food amongst elders, devas, humans, needy, orphans, ascetics, Guru, mother, and father. Daksha Smriti 3.8-9
Several duties are said to be required of householders – Look after cows, agriculture, sowing seeds for crop, feed Brahmanas, feed milk to infants, look after their children, give charity to orphans and give medicine to sick Brahmanas and other humans. Āpastamba Smriti 1.4-5
As can be seen, they are a combination of ‘secular’, ethical/moral and ceremonial (ritual) duties. One must combine these lists (the technique being called ‘guṇopasaṃhāra’) from various texts to get a complete view of the duties of the householder because everything cannot be stated in every text.
9.2 Virtuous Conduct
Amongst the various categories of duties, namely ‘secular’, ceremonial/ritual, ethical/moral, the last are the most important.
Let him eagerly follow the customs which are auspicious and the rule of good conduct, be careful of purity, and control all his organs, let him chant (prayers) and, untired, daily offer oblations in the fire. Manusmriti 4.145
It is futile to perform all the ceremonies and secular duties if one’s character is flawed. Due performance of secular duties might keep one on the right side of the law of the land, but an evil conduct will make him suffer in this world and in the afterlife.
Even a Brahmana who knows only the Gayatri Mantra but follows the constrains of conduct set by the scriptures is worthy of respect. Whereas, a Brahmana who knows all the Vedas but does not follow the constraints of the scriptures, eats and sells what he wishes, is not worthy of respect. Manusmriti 2.118
He alone gets the entire fruit of Vedānta whose actions, speech and mind are pure and disciplined. Manusmriti 2.160
For in the next world, neither father nor mother remains as a support, nor does the son, wife, or paternal relative. Spiritual merit alone remains. Manusmriti 4.239
Practice Dharma, not Adharma; Speak the truth, not lies; Look far, not near; Look towards the Highest, not towards that which is not the Highest. Vāshishtha Dharmasūtra 30.1
(To live according to) the rule of conduct is doubtlessly the highest Dharma of all men. He whose
Ātmā is defiled by vile conduct perishes in this world and the next. Vāshishtha Dharmasūtra 6.1 Neither austerities, nor (the study) of the Veda, nor (the performance of) the Agnihotra, nor lavish almsgiving can save him whose conduct is vile and who has strayed from this (path of duty). Vāshishtha Dharmasūtra 6.2
The Vedas do not purify him who is deficient in good conduct, though he may have learnt all together with the six Angas; the sacred texts depart from such a man at death, even as birds, when full-fledged, leave their next. Vāshishtha Dharmasūtra 6.3
As the beauty of a wife causes no joy to a blind man, even so all the four Vedas together with the six Angas and sacrifices give no happiness to him who is deficient in good conduct. Vāshishtha Dharmasūtra 6.4
The sacred texts do not save from Adharma the deceitful man who behaves deceitfully. But that Veda, two syllables of which are studied in the right manner (with proper conduct), purifies, just as the clouds (give beneficent) rain in the month of Isha (Ashwin). Vāshishtha Dharmasūtra 6.5 The householder who is devoted to his Guru, who takes care of his servants, who is compassionate, not critical of others, who performs japa and homa regularly, speaks the truth and keeps his senses under control. Who is contented with his wife alone and does not covet someone else’s wife, and who is not criticized by others (for failing to do his duties) – such a householder obtains the fruit of visiting all pilgrimage centers while remaining within the confines of his home. Vyāsa Smriti 4.34
But that householder who snatches someone else’s wife or wealth will not get rid of his sins even if he bathes in all the pilgrimage centers. Vyāsa Smriti 4.5
Peer pressure from members of their family, professional or social circles might cause the householder to sway from the path of Dharma. But they must remain diligent and always guard themselves from temptations from those of evil conduct-
Let him not become irritated at, nor be deceived by the speeches of hypocrites, or rogues, of infidels, and of fools. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 1.7.20.5
9.3 Associate with the Virtuous
As an adage goes, ‘A man is known by the company he keeps’. Another proverb is, ‘birds of a feather flock together.’ A complementary guidance is that he who wishes to uplift himself or stick to the path of Dharma must likewise associate with the virtuous to the maximum extent.
One who wishes to uplift his family to eminence should always associate with the noblest of people and avoid the most vile. Manusmriti 4.244
We tend to become like the people we interact with, consciously or unconsciously. Sometimes, to fit in, we tend to imitate the people around us. And if these people are evil, we are tempted to become evil. If they are virtuous, we imitate them or try to fit in with them by becoming virtuous ourselves.
Just as clothes, water, sesame seeds and soil kept next to flowers acquire their fragrance, likewise the company of good or evil people surely imparts virtues or evils in oneself. Mahābhārata 3.1.24 Sitting, contact, conversation or cohabiting with evil people destroys our own character. They who keep company of evil people never accomplish anything. Mahābhārata 3.1.29
During worldly affairs like professional work, one meets with all types of people and it is not always within our control to pick and choose the people we can interacts with. As far as possible, one must interact only with the virtuous, shun evil or foolish people. But if meeting with the latter is inevitable, keep the interaction to a minimum but also avoid unnecessary hardship by staying totally aloof from them-
Avoid even the sight of foolish people. If one does see them, then avoid their company. If one does fall into the company of foolish men, then let him keep silent. And if one does have to speak amongst them, then let him too speak like them (to avoid trouble). Nītidvishashtikā of Sundara Pāndya, verse 19
If possible, choose to work for a master or boss who is of a noble character lest he makes us do unethical things. But we cannot blame others always for our flaws of character because the ultimate onus to stay virtuous and truthful is with us.
A man becomes like the company he keeps, like the people he serves, and like what he himself wants to become. Mahābhārata 12.299.32
That rare noble person who is very grounded in Dharma and is not easily influenced by others will however behave nobly in every situation and in every company-
Just as the sun has the same color red while rising and setting, noble people act the same way whether they are rich or whether they are in a state of poverty. Panchatantra, Mitrasamprāpti 7
9.4 Lead a Life of Spirituality, Faith, Worship and Study
Even in the midst of several activities in their busy lives, the married couple must never lose sight of their real foundation – the Divine Lord, and must constantly center their existence around Him. Our Rishis offer a practical suggestion that at dawn, when one is fresh and relaxed and the mind is clear, before engaging in the daily activities, one must reflect upon the Lord, who is the essence of the Vedas. One must also reflect upon his situation, plan for the day and estimate the efforts needed to achieve his goals that day. Likewise, at dusk, after the bulk of his work for the day is done, before going to sleep in the night, he must reflect upon the things that he had accomplished that day, think about what he will do the next day, and then calm his mind by meditating and chanting prayers
A Brahmana should wake up at the time sacred to Brahmā (= 48 minutes before sunrise) and reflect on his Dharma and wealth, on the bodily troubles arising from them, and on the true meaning of the Veda. Manusmriti 4.92
At dawn, after he has risen, answered the call of nature and purified himself, he should spend some time while meditation on himself, quietly chanting prayers, and he should do the same at the proper time at dusk. Manusmriti 4.93
It is a myth that only a Sannyāsī is entitled to Moksha, and that anyone who aspires for Moksha must renounce all his worldly relationships and mundane work. Hindu tradition declares that a householder who performs his duties diligently and is also spiritually engaged can also achieve Moksha-
The person who studies the Vedas with diligence regularly, is forgiving, and teaches the Shastras to others and follows their teachings himself at all times attains Moksha, even though he might be a householder. Atri Saṃhitā 1.131
The path of Karmayoga that is discussed later will explain briefly how a householder can make progress towards Moksha while earning a living, providing for and residing with his family. When the householder combines Dharma with spirituality, his life becomes meaningful and fulfilling and he has accomplished truly the purpose of his existence-
That householder alone leads a meaningful existence who possesses the virtues of compassion, hesitation (in doing bad things), forgiveness, faith, wisdom, renunciation and gratitude (for whatever he has in life). Daksha Smriti 2.55
The following story is narrated to illustrated how the study of sacred texts can keep one on the path of Dharma.
Story: Sant Eknath reforms his son-in-law
Sant Eknath was a renowned saint of Maharashtra. He married his daughter to a famous scholar (Pandit) of the region. Unfortunately, this scholar fell into bad company. He started going out of his home late in the night, leaving his wife alone. Ekanath’s daughter became very worried about her husband’s behavior and she spoke to her father about it.
Eknath then called his son in law and said, “Look here my son in law. You are a learned man, but my daughter is not. Do her a favor. Before you leave your home every night, please read to her a verse or two of the Bhagavad Gita. This will benefit her greatly. Then, you can go out wherever you please.” The Pandit agreed. So every night before he stepped out, he would read a couple of verses of the Bhagavad Gita to his wife, and explain the meaning to her.
Gradually, the Pandit realized how beautiful the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita were. They started having an influence on his own mind. After some time, with the effect of the Gita, the Pandit stopped going out at the night. He had not intended to study the Gita for his own benefit. But nevertheless, the study of the holy book for the sake of his wife impacted him too in a positive way, and he became a virtuous man.
One should aspire to learn something new every day and lead a purposeful life full of education and learning as well as good deeds-
One should live each day productively by giving charity, studying, doing good deeds or at least by reading a verse, half a verse or even a single syllable of a verse. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 2.13
Before they realize, the married householder starts turning old and become grandparents. Therefore, each day should be lived purposefully, usefully and wisely-
All the jewels in the world cannot buy a single moment of our life that is lost. Therefore, to waste even a moment of time is the greatest foolishness. Subhāshitārṇava 69
9.5 Perform Acts of Dharma Jointly
A modern adage goes that ‘A Family that eats and prays together, stays together.’ The husband and wife are exhorted to perform their religious ceremonies as a pair.[40] Hindu scriptures ask the married couple to perform all religious acts like worship together-
A man and woman should perform religious acts together as a married couple and there is no question of separation between them. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.6.16-17
In fact, in the Hindu tradition, a man becomes eligible to perform Vedic rituals only after he marries.[41] If the husband is married, he cannot perform Vedic ceremonies without his wife.[42] During religious ceremonies, the wife holds the hand of her husband whenever he pours the oblation into the sacred altar, signifying that the ritual is performed jointly by them. If the wife of the husband is not present during a Yajna, he automatically loses half of the fruit.[43] In all religious ceremonies, the husband and the wife form a pair so that their relationship is like that between truth and faith, or like between the mind and speech.47 The Smritis emphasize the importance of one’s wife for the performance of the Vedic Yajnas -
A Brahmana who does not have a wife should not establish the sacrificial fires. If he does so, it is equivalent to not establishing them (i.e., it is a waste). Kātyāyana Smriti 8.5a
In fact, so dependent is the husband on his eligibility to perform Vedic Yajnas, and so connected she is to him in their performance, that when she dies, the householder cremates her using the fire of the altar, and also cremates with her all the implements and vessels that were used in the Yajna while he was married to her. In the Ramayana of Valmiki, we read that when Rama had to perform the Ashvamedha Yajna after the banishment of Sita, he was asked to first remarry so that he has a wife to accompany him as his half during the ceremony. However, Rama refused to remarry, and therefore by way of a compromise, a golden image of Sita was placed next to Rama during the Yajna.
9.6 Practice Dharma in Moderation
Some moderation is needed by householders even while giving primacy to Dharma over Artha and Kāma. The hands of a couple are tied in many ways as they have to take care of their own home, their children, parents and so on. They cannot be too dogmatic in pursuing Dharma so as to harm their own lives. Dharma should be practiced by householders in small steps.
One should forsake that Artha and Kāma which are prohibited by Dharma. At the same time however, one should also not follow that Dharma which will lead to unhappiness in the long run (e.g., donating one’s entire wealth, causing family members to starve), or Dharma that is condemned by dominant public opinion. Manusmriti 4.176
Just as termites carefully erect their anthill (taking care that it does not topple or collapse), so should a man accumulate Dharma gradually, without hurting other creatures, so that the accumulated Dharma serves as his helper in the other world (after death). Manusmriti 4.238
9.7 Take Care of your Physical Body
The Vedas contain numerous prayers asking for the physical, mental and spiritual well-being of the worshipper. For example-
May there be voice in my mouth, breath in my nostrils, sight in my eyes, hearing in my ears. May my hair not turn gray nor my teeth decay too soon. May I have strength in my arms, power in my thighs, swiftness in my legs and steadiness in my feet. May all my limbs be free of injury. And may my soul remain unconquered. Atharvaveda 19.60.1-2
Although it is the very nature of the physical body to undergo changes and eventually perish, yet while the physical body exists, we should care for it and not be careless about our physical well-being because it is the means by which we attain all the Purushārtha-s,
Just as the river emerges from a mountain, so does Dharma originate in one’s body. Therefore, one should strive to protect this body. Shankha Smriti 17.65
Only a very spiritually elevated person is not hindered by his physical ailments in his pursuit of Moksha and other goals. For most of us, a healthy body and mind are a useful aid, whereas a sickly body are a detriment in the pursuit of these goals-
A healthy body is the greatest foundation for achieving Dharma, Artha, Kāma and Moksha.
Conversely, diseases weaken a healthy body and reduce the lifespan. Charaka Samhitā, Sūtrasthāna 1.14
Even with regard to good habits of eating, recreation, exertion etc., moderation is advised because too much of a good habit is also harmful-
Indeed, Yoga is not for him who eats too much or who abstains too much from eating. It is not for him, who sleeps too much or keeps awake too much. For him whose eating and recreation are disciplined, who is restrained in his actions, whose sleep and waking are regulated, Yoga becomes the destroyer of miseries. Gita 6.16-17
9.7.1 Guidelines regarding Food
Non Dharmic traditions do not give much thought to the effect of purity of food48 on the purity of one’s mind. But Hindu Dharma emphasizes that food must be pure-
When there is purity of food, the mind becomes pure; when the mind becomes pure, it remembers the Lord and by remembrance of the Lord, liberation (Moksha) is attained. Sāmaveda, Chhāndogya Upaniṣhad 7.26.2
In the Anugita, Krishna gives illustrative examples of the effect of an uncontrolled diet on our body and mind-
Even though understanding what is appropriate to his intellect, strength (health) and routine, he eats food at the wrong times and eats what does not suit his constitution because he has does not have control over himself. Anugita 2.8
He eats extremely harmful foodstuffs. Sometime he overeats a lot, and at other times, he does not eat food at all. Anugita 2.9
Sometimes he eats contaminated food, and at other times he eats food items that are opposed to each other simultaneously. Sometimes he eats food that is difficult to digest, while at other times he eats an excessive quantity of food. At times, he eats again even before his body has digested the previous meal. Anugita 2.10
He eats syrupy (rich) food, sleeps during daytime and by eating the next meal before his body has digested the previous one, he irritates the three bodily humors.49 Anugita 2.12
And once these three bodily humors are irritated, he invites severe diseases that torture him till he dies. To free himself from these, he tries methods that are opposed by the scriptures – like committing suicide by hanging or immolating oneself. Anugita 2.13
One must eat his means with a smiling face, gladness, gratitude, faith, and one must eat at the right times and in the right quantity-
Let a twice-born man always eat his food with a concentrated mind, after cleaning himself with water. After he has eaten, let him duly clean himself with water and sprinkle the cavities of his head. Manusmriti 2.53
Let him always worship his food, and eat it without a feeling of revulsion. When he sees it, let him rejoice, show a pleased face, and pray that he may always obtain it. Manusmriti 2.54
48 In the Hindu tradition, food can be considered impure due the following four causes:
1. Prohibited by the scriptures, e.g., beef.
2. Due to contamination with an unclean substance. E.g., food in which hair have fallen.
3. Food that has been polluted due to proximity with an unclean object (not actual contact) like that which has been kept in the same room as a corpse, or which is stale.
4. Food that is procured using ill-begotten wealth.
49 According to Āyurveda (Hindu medicine), everyone’s constitution comprises of three ‘humors’ (kapha, vāta and pitta) and an imbalance of these leads to the various diseases.
Food that is always worshipped gives strength and manly vigor. But eaten irreverently, it destroys them both. Manusmriti 2.55
Let him not give to any person his leftovers; and he must not eat in between (the regular meal times). Let him not over eat himself, not must he walk around without first having cleaned himself after having eaten. Manusmriti 2.56
Excessive eating is harmful to health, to fame, to the attainment of heaven. It prevents spiritual merit and it causes ill-will among people. Therefore, carefully avoid over-eating. Manusmriti 2.57
According to Hindu scriptures, we should always eat a little less than what fills our stomach. In other words, we should eat a bit less than our appetite. We should fill 50% of our stomach with solid food, 25% with fluids (water etc.) and the rest should be kept empty. This Hindu teaching of eating less than our appetite is confirmed by modern science which says that our brain takes 20 minutes to register that we are full, even after we have eaten a sufficient amount of food. Therefore, always eat a little less than your appetite because after 20 minutes or so, the brain will actually tell you that you have eaten enough. Do not neglect to drink fluids for proper functioning of our organs and for flushing out toxins or metabolic wastes from your body.
Krishna classifies food into three categories to prescribe the kinds of food that we must consume, versus those that we should avoid-
Foods that increase lifespan, mental abilities, strength, health, happiness and love, which are Juicy, fatty (not too much), wholesome and hearty (filling) are dear to the Sattvic type of persons. Gitā 17.8
Bitter, sour, salty, very hot, spicy, dry and burning foods are desired by Rajasic persons. These foods cause distress, grief and sickness. Gitā 17.9
Food that is cooked three hours or longer before consumption, has become desiccated, and also which is putrid and decomposing, also food that is leftover and defiling (or not fit for worship), is liked by Tamasic persons. Gitā 17.10
Story: Who is free of Disease?
Charaka Muni compiled a marvelous book on Ayurveda (Hindu medicine) in which he described hundreds of diseases, their cures, healthy lifestyles etc. Sometime after he released his book, he decided to find out if people were becoming healthier and living longer due to his efforts. Therefore, he took the form of a speaking parrot.
The parrot alighted on the branch of a tree at the center of a marketplace where a great conference of physicians was going on. The parrot started shouting, “koraruk?” (meaning, “who becomes sick?” in Sanskrit). All the physicians heard the parrot’s cry. All tried to answer the question to demonstrate who was more knowledgeable in Ayurveda.
The first physician replied, “Only he who eats the nutritious supplement called ‘chyavanapraasha’ stays healthy.” The second physician retorted, “No, you are wrong! It is the ash of burnt metals mixed with the blue berry that keeps the stomach healthy.” The third physician said, “Of course not! One must eat the Chandraprabhavati to fight sickness.” And the fourth disagreed with all the three and recommended the Ashvagandhā mixture.
Their answers really disappointed Charaka. He flew away, thinking, “I did not compile my book on Ayurveda to make every human being’s stomach a warehouse of medicines!” He went around and asked the same question. “koraruk,” to every physician he had met, but got similar disappointing replies.
Finally, he sat on a tree below which was sitting a famous physician Vāgbhatta, who had just taken his bath. “Koraruk?” asked the parrot. Vāgbhatta was really amused to see a parrot say a question that is so important to physicians. And he replied, “hitabhuk (he who eats only those foods which benefit our body), mitabhuk (he who eats only controlled amounts of food), ritabhuk (he who is not a slave to taste, and does not fill his stomach with junk food).” When the parrot heard the reply, “hitabhuk, mitabhuk, ritabhuk,” he was very pleased. Charaka Muni now assumed his normal human form and appeared in front of Vāgbhatta. “You alone have understood the secret of medicine, dear Vāgbhatta.”
The moral of the story is that instead of stuffing our body with medicines, supplements, we should rather eat a healthy and a controlled diet. We should eat to live, not live to eat.
9.7.2 Guidelines regarding Sleep and Rest
Science suggests that we should sleep 7-9 hours every day. Some people need more than 9 hour sleep every day. Others can manage with 6 hours only. But in general, we should not sleep less than 6 hours or more than 9 hours every day.
Sleep recharges the brain and unclogs it after a day of activity. It is like defragmenting a computer drive, or ‘cleaning’ the drive. When we are awake, the mind is multi-tasking by responding to the activities of all our senses, plus think and analyzing, plus storing information (memory) plus keeping our internal organs working. It gets tired too! When we sleep, it only has to keep our organs functioning, and the so it can repair itself. Sleeping too little can cause severe side-effects on our health. We can get heart disease, inflammation in our body, acid reflux, bad breath, suffer from inattentiveness, irritableness and so on.
On the other hand, some people sleep just too much. They just lie down in the bed out of laziness even if they are not falling asleep. The rule of thumb is that if you have been tossing in the bed for 30 minutes or more without falling asleep, it is time to get up and do some useful work instead of just lying down.
Also, studies have shown that the best time to sleep is actually the night-time and not the daytime. People who work in nightshifts and therefore sleep in day time have a greater possibility of getting fatigued. In fact, night-shift workers are given a slightly higher pay for this reason.
There is almost a stereotype that smugglers, gangsters, mafia and so on party late into the night. You’d hardly ever hear someone say that smugglers habitually get up early in the morning! Hindu scriptures teach us that to advance spiritually, we should follow the dictum “early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise.” Early morning, just before the sunrise, the environment is relatively pollution free, there is hardly any surrounding noise and the mind is full of positive energy. This is the best time to meditate, and study scriptures or recite our prayers.
Therefore, if we want to advance spiritually, or even materially, we should cultivate the habit of sleeping a good 7-9 hours regularly, going to bed early and getting up a little before sunrise if possible.
Sleeping at inappropriate times, sleeping too much or too little causes a decrease in a person’s happiness and lifespan. Vāgbhatta’s Ashtāṇga Hridaya, Sūtrasthāna 7.54
Sleeping during daytime definitely creates problems and is Adharma. It has a harmful effect on the purity of body fluids, which in turn leads to problems like cough, breathing issues, runny nose, heavy headedness, discomfort in the limbs, inability to focus, excessive bodily heat and loss of appetite. The same health problems arise in people who stay awake during the night. Knowing these harms of bad sleeping habits, no one should stay awake during the night or sleep during the day. Sushruta Samhita, Shārīra Sthāna 4.38
9.7.3 Guidelines regarding Exertion & Effort
Plants need water to grow. But watering them too much drowns their roots which then cannot breathe, resulting in the death of the plant. In a similar way, we should continue to exert and should always try to do what is according to Dharma, but only to a point where it does not do us more harm than good.
A wise man evaluates his own ability and strength before undertaking a physical activity. Do not undertake activities that greatly exceed your own strength or ability. The body is the receptacle of strength, and if the body is damaged due to forceful over-exertion and loses its strength or life, one cannot enjoy the fruit of his own efforts. Charaka Samhitā, Nidānasthāna 6.5
He over-exercises, or indulges excessively in sensual pleasures. In his zeal to do more work, he even forces his body from discharging stool and urine. Anugita 2.11
‘Controlled Effort’ does not mean that we should give up very soon, or that we should not try our best to do our work. It merely means that we should use our commonsense and wisdom to judge whether additional efforts will bring any good fruit or not, and whether the harm from these efforts will be more than the gain. Even exercise should be done on moderation, depending on the needs and the capacity of our own body. Scriptures of Hindu medicine (Ayurveda) even specify how many push-ups etc. we should do to derive the optimum benefit. Too much exercise can even have a detrimental effect not only on the physical but also on the mental health.
9.7.4 Guidelines regarding Recreation
The purpose of recreation is to recharge our minds and bodies so that we can perform our duties well. No recreation can make us sick mentally and physically. When we participate in a recreation activity, or exercise, our body releases endorphins, that make our brain feel ‘happy’ and promotes positive moods, in addition to strengthening our heart and other organs. But even recreation should be measured. It is a means to an end, not the end in itself. When a recreation habit (e.g., watching a movie, or playing tennis) is indulged in excessively to the detriment of one’s main tasks, it becomes an addiction and becomes harmful rather than being a means for achieving our well-being. For example, reading books can give great pleasure and we can learn many new things through this habit. But excessive reading of books while forgetting one’s goals and true objectives can lead to more harm than benefit-
For the scholars, this entire world is nothing but books to be read. This attitude hinders the practice of Yoga, because the scholars are always bewildered about whether, ‘Should I learn this, or should I learn that,’ and wish to learn all knowledge that exists. Shivadharmottara Upapurāṇa 1.68 But even if their life were a thousand years in extent, these scholars would still not be able to master all the kinds of knowledge. They would merely spend their entire life engaged in a fickle chase of mere words. Shivadharmottara Upapurāṇa 1.69
9.8 Avoid or Mitigate Risks
Risk taking is associated with elevated gains, but one most not take unnecessary risks, using one’s own wise judgment (or after consulting other knowledgeable people). The reason is that the married couple are responsible for taking care of their children, elders and a lot of other dependents. When the householder falls into unfortunate circumstances, many others, who are dependent upon him, also suffer along with him. It is prudent to be cautious, careful and mindful of known and unknown dangers and avoid them -
He should never enter a place into which he cannot see or which is difficult of access. He should not look at excrement or urine or swim across a river. Manusmriti 4.77
Let him not journey too early in the morning, nor too late in the evening, nor just during the midday
(heat), nor with an unknown companion, nor alone, nor with an ignorant person. Manusmriti 4.140
Before making a big move, like relocating for a new job or for another reason, the householder must carefully evaluate the new challenges the new place will bring in his life and be prepared to move back if needed.
The intelligent man fixes one foot firmly and moves with the other. Without testing the new place well, the old place of resort should not be abandoned. Garuda Purāṇa 1.109.4
A person devoted to Dharma sticks to his principles but for the sake of his dependents, a householder cannot afford to be too rigid and uncompromising if his adversary or competitor is more powerful than he or she is. It is sometimes better to be a bit adaptive, flexible and compromising for the larger good of his family-
O King! A cow that gives milk with great difficulty suffers a lot, but no one troubles the cow that gives milk easily. Mahābhārata 5.34.35
One does not heat that which bends without being heated. Likewise, one does not bend that piece of wood that is bent on its own. Mahābhārata 5.34.36
From this illustration it follows that a wise man should bend before a more powerful person. He who bends before a more powerful person bends before Indra himself (so to speak). Mahābhārata
5.34.37
And finally, it is often just better to take the high road with respect to foolish people for one’s own safety and prosperity. As they say, when your wrestle a pig in a mud pit, the pig actually enjoys it but we are the ones who soil our clothes needlessly-
For their own welfare, all men must make way for fools, outcasts, drunkards and madmen. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.5.11.9
9.9 Live and Act Appropriately
Perception is often divorced from reality. A householder devoted to Dharma must strive to choose truth and reality over perception by others but due to his constraints, he must be willing to compromise. The society expects different things from individuals belong to different ages, social classes, professions, genders and so on. Even if these expectations promote inequality and often injustice, the householder must be prudent when pushing the boundaries because he must also keep the welfare of his dependents in mind as well-
The householder should go through his life making his clothing, speech and thinking in conformity with his age, occupation, wealth, knowledge and family traditions. Manusmriti 4.18
It is a good practice to do a periodic reality check and determine who his allies and opponents are, who has authority over him and who is under his authority, whether he possesses skills that are in demand or whether he needs to augment his abilities and so on-
Who is my boss? Who are my friends? What are the conventions of the place that I live in? What are my expenses? Who am I or what is my status? What are my skills and abilities? One must constantly ask these questions to oneself. Vriddha Chāṇakya 4.2
The speech, thoughts and actions of a wise person are disciplined and measured. He evaluates the situation and his relative standing vis-à-vis others before any action-
He who speaks appropriately according to the situation and talks lovingly or angrily after considering how much influence he has on others and his relative strength compared to them – that person is truly wise. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 14.15
The following is a comprehensive list of factors to be considered before undertaking any action-
The following make Dharma manifest: desha (place), kāla (time), upāya (correct procedure), dravya (material object), shraddhā (faith), pātra (deserving beneficiary), tyāga (relinquishing one’s ownership). Shankha Likhita Dharmasūtra (quoted in Bhatta Lakshmidhara’s Krityakalpataru, Brahmachārikānda)
Some illustrative examples for each of these factors are-
Desha (Place): Be mindful of your surroundings, local customs etc. For example, wearing skimpy clothes in a temple is unacceptable, but wearing full-body coverings at a beach might be frowned upon by others. Kāla (Time): E.g., Plants must be watered to keep them alive but water a dried up and dead plant is a waste.
Upāya (correct procedure or means or method): One can obtain a promotion by hard work or by flattering his boss. The result of both the means is the same, but the first means is Dharma whereas the second is not.
Dravya (Material Object): What are the material objects associated with the action? Will it use up all my resources or can I accomplish the purpose using reasonable amount of resources?
Shraddhā (Faith): What is the underlying motive in doing the action or pursuing a goal? Example -Am I giving charity to earn worldly fame or is my intent purely to benefit the needy person?
Pātra (beneficiary): Stakeholder analysis. Who are benefitting or being impacted by my actions? Or is the stakeholder worthy or deserving, or is he unworthy or undeserving. For example, if I want to donate some money, is the intended recipient a virtuous person who will put the charity to good use, or is he a drug addict who might simply use it for buying drugs?
Tyāga (Relinquishing one’s ownership): Does the action involve quid-pro-quo and has strings attached or is the action motivated by altruistic motives and detachment.
Another factor that determines whether an action is appropriate is the doer’s (karttā) qualifications and duties. For example, an untrained person must not rush to perform a surgery when a trained physician is already available to do the needful.
To be completely appropriate, the action must be performed by a qualified and capable person at the right place, right time, using appropriate means, using the right materials, with faith, to benefit or impact the right people and with a sense of relinquishment.
9.10 Be Kind, Respectful, Encouraging & Loving
May my arrival and departure be sweet. May I speak sweetly. May I become sweet like honey. Atharvaveda 1.34.3
In this world, we come across all kinds of people who are equal, superior or inferior to us in some way or the other. The householder must be forgiving and loving and show a basic courtesy and respect towards everyone irrespective of their social or financial status.
Do not hurt others even when he is suffering himself. Do not even think of doing acts of hatred towards others. And do not speak words that hurt others and therefore block one’s entry into heaven. Manusmriti 2.161
Respecting others is important but so is acknowledging graciously the respect offered by others towards oneself. If another person approaches us courteously, respectfully and gently, our reaction should be equally respectful and dignified-
The man who receives with respect and the one who gives with respect both go to heaven. But without respect, they go to hell. Manusmriti 4.235
Offering constructive criticism to help others improve is acceptable, but excessive criticism brings toxicity in relationships. In general, we must encourage other with positive comments and reinforce their good qualities rather than picking faults in everything and thereby creating enemies-
One should say ‘Good’ to what is good, or say ‘Good’ anyway; one should not engage in futile hostility or get into a futile argument with anyone. Manusmriti 4.139
In particular, we must show excessive kindness, love and respect towards those who are deficient in physical or mental abilities, or are a humble background. Such unfortunate people are aware of what is lacking in them and are very sensitive to how others perceive them. It is cruel behavior to remind them constantly that they are inferior to us in any way. Rather, we should behave normally towards them, and help them in a non-intrusive and gentle manner if possible-
He should not deride people with missing or extra limbs, those who are unlearned, aged, lacking in beauty or wealth, or those who are of inferior birth. Manusmriti 4.141
Kindness towards the unfortunate, the weak and the disabled etc., must manifest in our actions and not just in deeds. For example even a King is admonished to be gracious in giving way to women, laborers and the disabled-
Everyone should give way to a blind person, to mute, to women and to load carriers. Even the King must give way to all these and also to the Brahmana. Mahābhārata 3.133.1
Speaking the truth is the highest Dharma, but speaking what is loving and beneficial is even more superior. Some people are scared that they might beget bad Karma by speaking a lie even if that lie benefits someone else. But a truly virtuous person will not mind begetting bad karma of speaking a lie if that will make someone else a better and happier person-
One should speak the truth; one should speak what is pleasant. One should not speak what is true but unpleasant; one should not speak what is pleasant but untrue. This is the eternal Dharma. Manusmriti 4.138
Kindness and compassion define a virtuous human and they who lack these traits are inhuman or subhuman-
A person whose heart does not show any compassion even when he sees a one who is in misery, is disabled or is suffering from sickness is definitely a demon. Shiva Purāṇa, Revā Khaṇda 13.39
The sacred texts summarize how we should behave towards persons who are our equals, superiors or inferiors-
All in this world should act in this manner – When he meets a person who is superior, he should feel happy; with a person who is inferior, he should be compassionate; with a person who is equal, he should make friendship. Behaving in this way, he will never get affected by the three kinds of afflictions while living in this world. Bhāgavata Purāṇa 4.8.34
Story-Respecting Everyone and Helping Out: King Yudhishthira organized a ceremony to crown himself as the Emperor of India. Invitations were sent to all the kings of India to attend the ceremony and they were asked to come with presents for Yudhishthira. Lord Krishna, who was the King of faraway Dwaraka in western India also came. Everyone wanted to help organizing the grand function. Lord Krishna also requested that he too should be given some tasks to complete. However, as He had come from a long distance and was the last one to arrive, the only duty that He could get was cleaning the kitchen after the feast was over. Everyone requested Lord Krishna not to worry about doing this dirty job. They said that servants could take care of cleaning the kitchen. However, Lord Krishna insisted that He too wanted to help and would be pleased to do this dirty job.
According to tradition, all the guests had to select a chief guest among them. Everyone thought that Lord Krishna was the greatest of all those who were in the function. Therefore He was appointed as the chief guest for the entire ceremony. The Rishis decided that the Yajna will be deemed completed successfully if the Pāñchajanya conch shell belonging to Arjuna would sound on its own at the conclusion of the ceremonies. When that did not happen, the Pandava brothers were disappointed. They started investigating the cause of why the Yajna was unsuccessful. They learned that a Shudra citizen of their kingdom had not attended the Yajna, and had stayed in his home because he had not been invited respectfully. Krishna addressed the Pandavas and said, “All human beings deserve to be treated with respect. No one should be insulted due to his social status.” Therefore, the Pandava brothers and Draupadi went personally to the Shudra’s home and invited him with great respect to attend the venue of the Yajna. As soon as the Shudra entered the Yajna venue, the conch shell started blaring loudly, indicating that the Yajna had concluded successfully.
After the program was over and Yudhishthira had been crowned as the Indian emperor, everyone decided to take some rest. However, Lord Krishna, the chief guest, was nowhere to be found. When people went out to look for him, they found Him in the main hall, where He was picking up dirty dishes and carrying them to the kitchen for cleaning. Everyone was very moved to see how Lord Krishna kept His word. Even though Krishna was the chief guest and is the greatest of all, He performed His duty very humbly. Most people would have thought that picking dirty dishes and clean them was a lowly task which only humble servants should perform. But our Bhagavān Krishna clearly thought the opposite.
Story-Vidura’s Humble Food Offering to the Lord: In the Mahabharata, Krishna takes a peace proposal from the Pandavas to the Kauravas and convince the latter to be fair to the Pāṇdavas. When the Kauravas heard that Krishna is coming to Hastinapura, they sent a message to him requesting him to stay in their palace. They also invited him to eat his lunch and dinner cooked in their royal kitchen. The Kauravas thought that since they are powerful and rich, Krishna might get impressed by their royalty and power. He might then agree to a deal that benefits only the Kauravas and does not get the Pāṇdavas anything. But Krishna told the Kauravas – “We should eat food at someone else’s place only when we are in trouble or when they call us with love or respect. I am not in trouble, and you do not love me or respect me. So I cannot come.” When Krishna arrived at Hastinapura, he first went to see his aunt and mother of Pāṇdavas, Queen Kunti who loved and respected Krishna a lot. Then, he went to the home of Vidura, the step Uncle of both the Kauravas and Pāṇdavas. Vidura was the son of a maidservant and lived humbly and ate very simple food comprised of fruit and vegetables. But he was famous for being very wise and knowledgeable, and was very fair and honest. Krishna requested Vidura for food and ate whatever simple food comprising of a gourd and spinach that he was offered.
9.11 Be Positive, Fearless, Confident & Self-Respecting
The life of a householder is tough. A married couple is the foundation of the present as well as the future of the society. They must not see their life as a burden or live it with a spirit of dejection. The Vedas ask that the couple ought to be spirited, full of positive energy and outlook and live their life fully.
May we see through a 100 autumns. May we live through a 100 autumns. May we be aware through a 100 autumns. May we rise through a 100 autumns. May we prosper through a 100 autumns. May we remain established through a 100 autumns. May we remain adorned through a 100 autumns. Even more than a 100 autumns. Atharvaveda 19.67.1-8
We must also live without fear and be full of hope and positive feelings about our future-
May we be fearless of the friend or foe. May we not fear the known or unknown. May we live without fear during day and night. May all directions be my friends. Atharvaveda 19.15.6
Only one who is full of positive energy, hope and hard work obtains worldly success in life-
Wealth is perpetually established where there is enthusiasm (and courage), hard work, lack of laziness, resourcefulness and valor. Panchatantra 2.146
Opportunities do not present themselves to us whenever we want them. They appear randomly. If we trust our abilities, we will grab them promptly to our advantage. But a person who lacks self-confidence dithers and does not grab the opportunity in time-
One must never underestimate or insult oneself because such a person never obtains wealth or other good things in life. Mahābhārata 3.32.58
A negative person who lacks courage and self-confident doesn’t merely remain ‘ordinary’ in this world, he actually sinks lower because his grief, self-courage and cowardice make him weak, he is unable to face any challenges that appear in his life and takes the easy route of slipping into a depression or falling a prey to addictions-
All endeavors of person who lacks courage, who is full of self-pity and grief remain incomplete and he constantly acquires bad habits and sorrows. Rāmāyaṇa 5.2.6
Rajarshi Bhartrihari classifies humans into three categories depending on how they react to challenges and obstacles in their lives-
Fearing challenges and obstacles, the low-spirited do not begin anything new. Ordinary people begin new tasks but stop when they hit obstacles. But the best of all humans do not give up what they have undertaken to do even when they have to face repeated challenges. Nītishataka 27 of Bhartrihari
Krishna gives a useful classification of the three types of doers so that we emulate the Sāttvic type and avoid becoming a Tāmasic doer-
The doer who is free from attachment, who free from speech of egotism, full of steadfastness and enthusiasm and who is not perturbed by success or failure – he is said to be a Sāttvic doer. Gita 18.26
The doer who is swayed by passion, who eagerly seeks the fruit of his karma, who is greedy, violentnatured, impure, who is moved by joy and sorrow – he is said to be a Rājasic doer. Gita 18.27 The doer who is undisciplined, vulgar, obstinate, wicked, deceitful, lazy, despondent and procrastinating – he is said to be a Tāmasic doer. Gita 18.28
9.12 Keep Busy to Prevent the Mind from Wandering
Married adults must work hard and keep busy to run their home. Any leisure time must be used for useful pursuits or to recharge, not for indulging in wasteful activities. If the couple has too much free time, they must find a worthwhile cause to advocate and make it the passion of their lives. An empty mind is indeed the devil’s workshop, to borrow a modern adage.
O my mental evil, go away. Why do you praise evil despicable deeds? Go away. I do not desire you. Wander amidst trees and forests. My mind is engrossed in household work and in rearing cows (and other professional activities). Atharvaveda 6.45.1
9.13 Be Discreet and Filter what you tell Others
Being open, straightforward and simple natured are virtues but a householder must practice them with some discretion. He is privy to many flaws in himself and his family members and must keep his family secrets secure with himself rather than sharing them with outsiders. Below is a useful list of details of one’s personal life that a married householder must not be share with others-
A wise man does not disclose to others the destruction of his wealth, grief of his mind, evil conduct of his own family members, deception of others or being deceived by others and humiliation of oneself. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 7.1
This does not mean that we do not trust people outside our household. But excessive trust and love with others can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and conflicts within one’s own family-
Do not trust in the untrustworthy. Do not trust excessively even the trustworthy. The fear that arises from excessive trust can complete destroy one from his very root. Panchatantra, Mitrasamprāpti 45
One must also not share his plans with others completely because that will often attract distracting comments and suggestions, intrusive interference and even jealousies from others-
Do not publicize your secret mental strategies verbally. Rather, deliberate secretly on your plans mentally and then execute them to completion. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 2.7
Of course, if one is not sure how to proceed forward in his work, then it is better to consult people we trust to be wise and knowledgeable.
9.14 Find your true Kinsmen and Allies
In this world, we all advance in our lives by helping each other and consulting each other. Sometimes, we are able to help others and at other times, we need help from others. At the same time, there are people who will oppose us, harbor ill-will against us, foil our plans for progress and try to harm us with or without any valid reason. Therefore, it is essential for a householder to ally with his well-wishers to counter those who do not wish him well-
Even strong winds cannot destroy a dense grove of many trees standing close to each other. But if these same trees are scattered and grow away from each other, strong winds can uproot them one by one in a moment. In the same way, no matter how many good qualities are present in a person, if he is alone, he will not be able to singly fight against numerous hatreds and difficulties directed at him. Mahābhārata 5.36.63-64
Who is a true ally or a true kinsman? The following list lists life situations where one can determine whether someone we know is our kinsman or not from his response-
He alone is a true kinsman who stands firmly next to his people while they are 1. In misery, 2. Unwell, 3. Afflicted by famine (short of food provisions), 4. Endangered by enemies, 5. Summoned at the royal court and 6. When death approaches them. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 1.12
A true friend’s qualities are-
According to the wise, following are the qualities of a true friend – 1. Keep his friend away from evil, 2. Direct him towards what is beneficial, 3. Hides his friend’s weaknesses, 4. Advertises his friend’s good qualities, 5. Helps him in times of adversity and 6. Gives him monetary assistance when his friend needs the same. Nītishataka of Bhartihari, 73
One must not judge others to be their friends superficially on the basis of their smiles and sweet talk. True friendship is a quality of the heart-
A smiling face is no sure sign of friendship. Friendship is found deep within a smiling heart. Kural 786
The Hindu tradition condemns those who abandon or betray their friends in their time of need. One must remain loyal towards friends and step forward to help them out when the opportunity arises-
Even the sacred Vedas cannot save a person who has abandoned his comrades. He does not know what is right. And if even he listens to the sacred words, he listens in vain. Rigveda 10.71.6
At the end of the day however, none is a great kinsman, ally or friend than oneself-
One should uplift the ātmā by the ātmā, and one should not degrade the ātmā. Indeed, the ātmā alone is the friend of the ātmā, and the ātmā alone is the enemy of the ātmā. Gita 6.5
One’s real and eternal friends and kinsmen are really one’s own redeeming qualities of character, because in this world and also in the next, only they accompany us always, wherever we go-
Truth is my mother, knowledge is my father, Dharma is my brother, compassion is my sister, peace is my wife and forgiveness is my son – these six are my kinsmen. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 12.11
9.15 Distinguish between Positive and Toxic Relationships
Positive relationships are supportive, reinforcing, nurturing, pleasing, inspiring and they help us grow as a person and professional. In general, these relationships are possible with people who are themselves virtuous, wholesome and loving. They are our true friends and allies.
But some people around us are by nature harsh or arrogant. Or they are jealous or hateful of us. Or they have an evil character, wish to dominate us, undermine our self-confidence, ensure that we do not succeed in our endeavors and so on. Relationships with these people prove to be negative in the long term. Toxic or negative relationships are hurting, insulting, demeaning and they drag us down emotionally, financially and in other ways.
Sometimes, the compulsions of work or other worldly matters make us interact with evil people. But wherever possible, we should keep distance from those with whom toxic relations can develop-
Even in a prison one should associate only with the learned, the humble, the virtuous and the truthful. Outside, he should never associate with the wicked. Garuda Purāṇa 1.113.3
Just as rain falling over the ocean, and food eaten after one has already had a hearty meal are futile, developing an affectionate relationship with an evil person is useless because at the very appearance of misfortune in our life, his feigned love disappears immediately. Chāṇakyanītishāstra Samucchaya 5.2
We must not take positive relationships for granted. We should value them and try that they do not break up and such valued friends and allies do not drift away, or we do not drift away from them-
A man’s greatest strength is earning the friendship of those who are greater than himself. Kural 444 While it is dangerous to make a multitude of foes, it is ten times worse to give up the friendship of the worthy. Kural 450
It is important to speak the truth. But truth must be tempered with love. If we speak the truth without considering the consequences, it can harm the person to whom it is said, and create mutual bitterness-
Speak the truth, speak that which is endearing. Do not speak a truth if it causes pain. Speak that which is truthful as well as loving – this is the eternal Dharma. Manusmriti 4.138
Just as we expect others to nurture and encourage us, we should likewise encourage, inspire, and nurture others. Our criticisms should be minimal and constructive. We must not discourage others by being hypercritical of what they do and what they are-
Never create enmity with others unnecessarily. If someone’s work is imperfect, do not criticize it excessively but encourage him by being positive, and saying, ‘this is good.’ Manusmriti 4.139
The following story illustrates how constant criticism became a factor in the military defeat and death of Karna in the Mahābhārata-
Toxicity drags us down: The Mahabharata war was fought between two armies led by Kauravas and Pandavas. Shalya, the uncle of Pandavas, went over to the Kaurava side and agreed to become the charioteer of their commander Karna. But while maneuvering his chariot in the battlefield, Shalya constantly made snide, negative remarks to undermine the self-confidence of Karna. He mocked subtly and overtly at his military abilities, his family background and so on. This sapped the energy of Karna and lowered his fighting prowess. Likewise, we must guard ourselves against people who bring us down constantly with negativity.
Sometimes, a genuine friendship with others turns out to be toxic and ruinous if that friend does not point out our flaws and brings us to the right path. The following example from the Mahābhārata illustrates this-
When a Genuine Friendship brings us to Ruin: Karna was an extremely loyal friend to Duryodhana, the egotistic eldest Kaurava sibling. When everyone looked down upon Karna because his parents were poor, Duryodhana accepted him as a friend, gave him a kingdom and a respectable social status. Duryodhana often committed evil acts that eventually brought total ruin upon him. But instead of guiding his friend towards the right path and giving him the right advice, Karna just went along and even incited Duryodhana further because of his gratitude. If he had used his influence on his friend to steer him to the path of Dharma, the Mahabharata war would not have happened. Let us beware of such relationships that appear positive on the surface but are really harmful to us.
9.16 Embrace Changes in Life with Forbearance
Nothing in this material universe is permanent. Even the greatest dynasties fall. The most powerful business conglomerates go bankrupt. The greatest empires break up. Today, we are happy and have a good earning job. Tomorrow we might be unemployed, become poor and become unhappy for other reasons.
Unhappiness follows happiness, and happiness follows unhappiness. No one is unhappy forever, and no one is happy forever. Mahābhārata 12.25.23
Happiness and sorrow, progress and regress, profit and loss, birth and death – everyone faces them one after the other. Therefore, the patient and forbearing man should not become despondent or exhilarant due to these situations. Mahābhārata 12.25.31
One must accept and endure changes outside our control with forbearance.
Kaunteya, contact with objects of senses gives rise to sensations of cold, heat, pleasure and pain. They come and go and do not last forever. Therefore Bhārata, endure them (with forbearance). Gita 2.14
Bull among men, the man who is not distressed by these, to whom pleasure and pain are the same, that thoughtful and wise men is fit for immortality. Gita 2.15
9.17 Manage Stress
In a worldly sense, this Āshrama is the most rewarding, as well as the most challenging stage in life. During this period, one can earn money, gratify sensual needs, enjoy raising kids, build a nice home and enjoy other luxuries. At the same time, the life of a householder is tough. The married couple has to work hard to raise their kids while meeting other obligations towards their families, relatives, friends, workplace, society,
country etc. In fact, the householder is the pillar on which the entire society is supported. There are several pulls from opposite directions, and there are times when life seems very stressful and complicated. One has to make difficult decisions when one duty conflicts with another.
Knowing and understanding that all these challenges are a part of a bigger plan, and that we must keep things in their right perspective looking at that bigger plan can make our lives less stressful. For example, it is perfectly fine for a householder to live in a comfortable home with their kids – the question is, how big should one’s mansion be? What is the distinction between needs and unnecessary luxuries?
Juggling competing priorities can be very stressful. How can one prioritize, and maintain equanimity/sanity etc. between raising kids, managing jobs, maintaining relationships, managing finances etc. Instead of becoming mentally paralyzed by worrying, grieving and feeling depressed, we should focus on improving our situation and finding problems to our solutions-
Nevertheless, one must try to find a way out to overcome pain. He who gives up grief and instead gets busy searching for a solution to his problems, and who does not get engrossed in harmful indulgences is surely freed of his sorrows. Mahābhārata 12.330.25
The best medicine to cure sorrow is to stop thinking and worrying about it, because brooding on sorrows brings them to the fore again, and magnifies them. Remove mental pain through intellect and reasoning, and remove bodily pain through medicine. Use your deep knowledge to overcome sorrows instead of crying like children. Mahābhārata 12.205.2-3
Several additional means are recommended in the Hindu tradition to cope with life’s stressful situations-
First, we must have the confidence in our ability to tide over a difficult and stressful situation-
Son of Prithā, do not yield to weakness, it does not befit you. Give up this petty faintheartedness, and arise, scorcher of enemies! Gita 2.3
Second, rather than brooding over unfortunate happenings in the past or missed opportunities, we should focus on doing things right in the present and the future will thereby take care of itself. What has happened, has happened. There is no use crying over spilled milk -
The wise do not grieve over what was lost in the past nor do they worry about the future. They live in the present and act appropriately now. Chanakya Rajanītishataka 79
Third, we must work hard and remain positive and enthusiastic-
He who is always depressed (i.e., has a negative attitude) and grieving can never accomplish any task, and remains unhappy always. Therefore, one must always be enthusiastic and hard working. Rāmāyaṇa 6.2.6
Fourth, reading the uplifting teachings and narratives in the sacred literature can also help in finding our bearings in a crisis situation. In fact, many Hindus resort to the Bhagavad Gita, Ramayana and other scriptures like the Shrimad Bhāgvataṃ when faced with a difficult situation in their lives.
Scriptures remove our sorrows, give peace and lead us towards good. He who seeks refuge in the scriptures to remove his sorrows, he begets a good intellect and becomes joyous. Mahābhārata
12.330.1
Fifth, seeking help from saintly people and mature and wise individuals can also help relieve our mental afflictions.
As a man resorting to fire is rid of his cold, fear and darkness, so is the case of a person who associates with saints. Uddhava Gita 21.31
The saints who have realized Brahman are the supreme refuge of people sinking and being tossed in the stormy ocean of rebirths, they are like a strong boat that saves people who are about to be drowned in water. Uddhava Gita 21.32
Sixth, meditation can help us overcome stress and its physiological effects because through meditation, we approach our ātmā and experience the happiness and peace which helps us bear even the greatest sorrows-
When the mind comes to rest, restrained by the practice of yoga, and when beholding the Ātmā by the ātmā, he is content in the Ātmā. Gita 6.20
Then he knows that infinite bliss which can be grasped by the (pure and subtle) intellect, and beyond the grasp of senses. And established in that bliss, he no longer deviates from the truth. Gita 6.21 Having attained this, he thinks that there is no greater gain beyond it. And established in this, he is not shaken even by the greatest sorrow. Gita 6.22
Seventh, with great humility and sincerely, seek help from or refuge in the Divine Lord, who is an infinite ocean of bliss and our nourisher and sustainer can grant great relief when one is troubled-
Renouncing all karma in Me mentally, regarding Me as the Supreme, taking refuge in the Yoga of Intellect, constantly fix your mind on Me. Gita 18.57
Fixing your mind on Me, you shall pass over all difficulties through My grace. But if, from egotism, you will not listen, then you shall perish. Gita 18.58
Bhārata, seek refuge in Him alone with your whole being. By His grace, you shall obtain supreme peace and eternal abode. Gita 18.62
Abandoning all dharmas completely, take refuge in Me alone. I shall liberate you from all evils, do not grieve. Gita 18.66
Bhagavān as a Great Stress Buster
Sunita Pandya Williams, a Hindu American astronaut, was born to a Hindu father and a European Christian mother in Euclid, Ohio (USA). After she returned to the earth from her space flight on 22 June 2007, she gave interviews saying that she had taken a copy of the Bhagavad Gita and an image of Ganesha with her into the space. In an interview, she said that she felt very comfortable in space because she knew that Ganesha was looking after her. She also got a lot of mental strength reading the Gita while her space shuttle ‘Discovery’ was circling the earth in space. Just before Discovery took off from the earth, she called her family and friends, and greeted them by saying ‘Namaste’, to give her strength before her momentous journey. Her example shows that remaining centered on our heritage and in God is a great stressbuster.
9.18 Perform your Svadharma
Social conventions can sometimes rob us of independence and come in the way of our progress. At other times, our ‘social capital’ can provide the necessary boost that we need. And there are times when we are born to fulfill a duty for the greater good. Different people have expertise in different tasks and everyone should work together towards a common goal while doing their own respective duties. In the eyes of the world, some tasks may be better and greater than others. But in the eyes of Paramātmā, that task is the greatest which is performed without any selfish motive, with a sense of duty and as a humble offering to
Brahman-
Svadharma makes each man great in his own place. It promotes both individual and social growth. It calls forth the best in each person by preparing him for the social function for which he is naturally endowed. It brings about the complete harmony between the individual and the social life. The individual and the society are interdependent. The growth of the society depends upon the growth of the individual and the growth of the individual upon the growth of the society. Human beings cannot live without mutual help, understanding, and sympathy. From his very birth, man is dependent on his fellow beings. Unlike other living creatures, he has to develop as a social unit. He must fit into the social body as well as he can. In the interest of the society and in his own interest, every individual should be trained for those duties for which he has natural fitness. In other words, a person’s place in the society should be determined by his svadharma.[44]
It can sometimes become very complicated to decide what is right and what is wrong in some situations. We are then faced with what we call ‘moral dilemmas’. Fortunately, instances like these are rare in our lives.
The two most important relationships that each individual has are to his family and to his overall society (the entire nation included). Within the confines of our family and society, we spend our entire lives – we are born, we study in a school, we get married, we work to earn our living, we bear children, discharge our duties as citizens of the country and we die. Smritis, which form an important source of Dharma for Hindus, spend most of their space in providing a road map each on how to live as good members of our families and societies (including our country). These two road maps are respectively the Āshrama Dharma, and the Varṇa Dharma.
For this reason, Hindu Dharma is sometimes known as ‘Varṇāshrama Dharma’ (or the religion organized along the Ashrama and Varna models) although this designation is not completely accurate because it leaves out other types of Dharmas that Hindu scriptures teach. For example, other classes of Hindu scriptures such as the Upanishads deal mainly with Moksha.
The scheme of dividing our personal and family life into Ashramas and our position in the society in four ashramas really simplifies the decision making process on what is right and what is wrong in most of the cases. Swami Sivananda explains-
“Human society is like a huge machine. The individuals and communities are like its parts. If the parts are weak and broken, the machine will not work. A machine is nothing without its parts. The human body also can work efficiently it its parts and organs are in sound and strong condition. If there is pain in any part of the body, this human machine will go out of order. It will not perform its usual function or work.
So is the case with the human society. Every individual should perform his duties efficiently. The Hindu Rishis and sages formed an ideal scheme of society and an ideal way of individual life, which is known by the name Varnashrama Dharma. Hinduism is built on Varnashrama Dharma. The structure of the Hindu society is based on Varnashrama Dharma. Observance of Varnashrama Dharma helps one’s growth and self-evolution. It is very indispensable. If the rules are violated, the society will soon perish.”[45]
The general duties of the householder have been defined earlier in Section 9.1, and the specific individual circumstances in one’s personal life determine the exact Svadharma that each married householder must follow. For example, if a married couple have siblings that are disabled and need constant medical care, they might have to forgo giving birth to their own children so that they can do justice to their role of primary
medical care providers to their siblings. Another example would be the husband forgoing a promotion that involves a transfer to another city far away so that he can stay closer to his wife who is also working, and his little children.
Below are two stories – from the lives of Hindu kings of Indonesia and India, illustrating how they decided to follow their Svadharma over and above their own personal wishes-
Monk Airlangga agrees to become the Hindu King of Java: King Airlangga was born in Indonesia to a Balinese King and a Javanese Queen, both followers of Hindu Dharma. After his mother’s death, he became governor of a province. Soon, the Buddhist king of the neighboring island of Sumatra invaded Java and killed its King. Airlangga decided to become a Hindu monk and retreated to a remote mountain. But the Hindu priests searched him out and urged him to give up his spiritual pursuits and take up the throne of Java for the greater good of the people. Airlannga finally agreed and became the king in 1019 CE, eventually expanding the Hindu empire throughout Java and Bali. His rule marked an era of Hindu glory and flowering of art and architecture in Indonesia.
Shivaji Forsakes the idea to become an Ascetic: In a similar incident six centuries later, the great Hindu Emperor Shivaji of peninsular India once wanted to abandon his throne and become a Sadhu. But his Guru Swami Samarth Ramdas persuaded him to continue as the King because the Hindu masses depended on him to fight for them against the religious persecution unleashed by the Mughal Emperor Aurangzeb.
9.19 Forbear Social and Family Pressures
A person with a strong will, persistence and character and who is very confident about the correctness his goals and purposes will not get hindered too much about social pressures and opposition and will continue to march along till his final destination is reached. Some people buckle under the fear of infamy or bad reputation, forgetting that it is the nature of the society to make non-value added comments about whatever good task we undertake. People do not lose anything by making negative remarks but by giving them too much importance, we are the ones who fail in our tasks-
A wise man takes his task to competition even if he has to face humiliation and forgets about his self-respect because letting one’s goal remain unfulfilled and efforts get destroyed (due to worrying about humiliation and self-respect) alone is foolishness. Kavitāmṛitakūpa 3, Shukranītisāra 4.348
Most of the major positive changes in this world are brought about by the determined and principled few. Hardly ever do masses initiate a spontaneous revolution. Therefore, a good person adheres to his principles, and stands up to them even in the face of great opposition-
Whether they are criticized or praised, whether they become rich or poor, whether they die today or in the future, those who are wise never leave the path of justice. Nītishataka of Bhartrihari
The following story illustrates how Samuel Stokes cut himself from the powerful Christian missionary infrastructure, adopted Hindu Dharma and then struggled against the Indian rulers to set common Hindus on a path of prosperity and greater social justice-
Story: The Contributions of Satyanand Stokes
Samuel Stokes, born in Philadelphia to a wealthy family in 1882 decided to visit Himachal Pradesh in India after an earthquake hit the region in 1905 in the hope of helping the people who had suffered and also converting them to Christianity. But after he started studying about Hinduism, he realized that all the truths of Christianity were already present in the Hindu scriptures. Samuel realized that what he had been told about the Hindus was completely false. The Hindus he came across were very poor, but they were very good people. Samuel therefore concluded that there was no need to convert Hindus to Christianity. He decided to settle down in that area and help the local Hindus come out of their poverty. He married a local Hindu woman, learned the Hindi language, and gave up his American diet. Instead, he now ate only Indian vegetarian food.
Samuel thought that the climate of the area was ideal for growing different varieties of fruit, of which there was a shortage in India. He took samples of soils from many areas of the region and sent them to a laboratory for analysis. After getting the test results, he used his research on agriculture to plant right fruit plant in each area. Within a few years, the locals were able to reap harvests of fruit and sell them to earn money. In those days, Himachal Pradesh was ruled by many different Hindu kings who often exploited poor people and made them do work for no pay. Samuel supported these poor people and participated in a protest against this practice of making the poor work without pay. A local king arrested him for a short time. But thanks to Samuel’s efforts, the rich of that area started paying the poor decent wages for their work. Samuel also joined the Indian freedom struggle. He wanted the British rulers to leave India. The government therefore jailed him for a year in 1921. Later, he also helped the Hindus in Hyderabad in southern India to protest against the Nizam (the ruler of that kingdom) because he was harassing the Hindus and forcibly converting them.
Gradually, Samuel became more and more attracted towards Hindu Dharma. He wrote that the teachings of Hindu scriptures had cleared his doubts about Bhagavān when even the Bible could not answer his questions. Finally, he approached Pandit Rishiram, a follower of Swami Dayanand Saraswati, and requested that he be converted to Hindu Dharma. After becoming a Hindu, Samuel Evans Stokes took the Hindu name Satyānand Stokes. Close to his home, he also got constructed a beautiful Mandir whose walls have the verses of the Gita and the Upanishads written on them. Satyānand Stokes passed away in 1946, but his descendants still live in India, and follow the Hindu Dharma. They continue to work for the welfare of Indians and Hindus, just as Satyānand had done most of his life.
Story: Sant Lalleshwari’s Two Pieces of Cloth
Lalleshwari (1320 -1389 CE) was a great devotee of Shiva who lived in Kashmir. When Lalleshwari turned 26, her mother in law and her husband alleged that she was a bad woman. She was dragged by her cruel husband to the market place and insulted in front of everyone. Now Lalleshwari could take it no more. Therefore, she left her home and spent all her time worshipping Bhagavān Shiva.
Lalleshwari began roaming from place to place, singing poems in praise of Shiva. But, most people abused her as she went down the streets begging for food. One day, someone threw a clod of mud on her, but she just did not respond, as usual. She just continued to sing the praises of Shiva.
A friend of hers, who was a cloth-merchant, pulled her into his shop before she got more abuses from the people collected on the street. He reasoned with her, “Why don’t you live like other women. Or if you do not want to live like other wives, why don’t you live far away from everyone in a cave. What do you get from all these abuses and attacks when you come to the towns, singing about Shiva?”
Lalleshwari just smiled, and asked him to get two pieces of cloth that were equal in weight. The shopkeeper cut and weighed two pieces of cloth, and gave them to her. She threw one over her left shoulder, and the other over her right shoulder. She said, “Today, I will walk through the town again. Every time someone abuses me, I will tie a knot on the left piece of cloth. And when someone praises me or blesses me, I will tie a knot on the right piece of cloth.” When she returned that evening, it was clear that there were more knots on the left cloth, because many more people abused her compared to those who saw her goodness. The shopkeeper said, “See, I told you so.” Lalleshwari asked him to bring the weighing balance, and weight the two pieces again.
As expected, the two pieces again weight exactly equal to each other. Lalleshwari smiled at the shopkeeper and said, “Look, although one cloth had more knots than the other, the two pieces still weigh the same. This shows that their difference is only external. In reality, both the pieces still have the same amount of yarn, the same amount of color. In the same way, things like praise and criticism, sorrow and happiness, pleasure and pain are all just on the surface, like the knots on the cloth. Therefore, whether I get more praise or more criticism, it does not bother me.”
9.20 Forgive and Accept Others
Toxic relationships can leave long-lasting emotional scars, a sense of betrayal, hurt, loss and so on. How does one forget and forgive and face the new situation positively, and move on?
The first step is to accept that we all make mistakes and no one is perfect. Even saints sometimes commit mistakes or have a rare bad habit-
There is no family without defects. Everyone is troubled by some disease. All have some bad habits. No one enjoys pleasures permanently. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 3.1
Which family is devoid of defects? Who is not distressed by sickness? Who is not oppressed by vices and calamities? Who enjoys continuous blessings of the goddess of fortune? Garuda Purāṇa
1.109.17
Second, the one important fact for a householder to keep in mind is that some relationships in their life are very important. They are in integral part of our entire lives. Even if these relatives or companions have transgressed against us, we cannot easily forsake them or abandon them. We must try our best to forgive them, forbear them and respond to them with love and compassion.
Teacher, father, guest, priest, sister, daughter-in-law, mother, maternal uncle, child, elderly, weak person, the sick, elder sibling, wife, son, daughter, helpers – do not argue with them, do not quarrel with them and bear even their insults. They are like one’s own body, deserving of love and compassion. Manusmriti 4.182-185
Third, in general, forgiving others is a great virtue, an important aspect of Dharma. Virtuous people forgive others but the foolish people always bear grudges. We hurt ourselves the most when we do not forgive. And in particular, we must overlook the transgressions of those who have been kind to us in the past-
Forgiveness alone is that virtue that begets happiness in this world and the next. A forgiving person has just one fault and no other – and that fault is that fools consider such a great man as being weak. Āpastamba Smriti 10.5
He who has done a great favor to you in the past should be forgiven even if he does a great crime against you. Keep in mind his earlier favors, and forgive his crime. Mahābhārata 3.28.26
Virtuous people who follow Dharma always remember the favors of others and forget the transgressions of others towards them. Mahabharata 15.12.2
Foolish people never give up enmity, just as a line drawn on a rock cannot be erased. But the wise forgive and forget, their enmity is as ephemeral as a line drawn on the surface of water.
Nītidvishashtikā of Sundara Pāndya, verse 64
It is always good to endure injuries done to you, but to forget them is even better. Kural 152 Sant Narayana says – always forget two things – hurt caused by others, and good done by you to others. Dohā of Sant Nārāyaṇa
Forgiving others also means that we do not talk ill of them to others and ignore their transgressions without feeling hurt ourselves-
Just as Shiva did not spit out the poison from the churning of the ocean but held it in his throat, a noble person does not speak about the faults of others, but lets it go down his throat and get dissolved. Subhāṣhitārṇava 275
Mahatma Gandhi gains from an Abuser: Once, a critic of Mahatma Gandhi wrote him a very long letter. Mahatma Gandhi patiently read the letter carefully, going over page after page of abuse. He did not seem to get bothered at all by the nonsense written in that letter. After he completed reading it, he removed the paper clip holding the pages, and placed it inside his small box of stationary items for future use. Then he just crumpled the letter and threw the sheets in a recycle bin because they were of no use to him.
9.21 To Err is Human. Forgive Yourself.
A noble person is quick to forgive others but often finds it difficult to forgive himself over mistakes done in the past. But it is human nature to commit mistakes because we often do not have all the information to do the right thing. And even the most virtuous has some weakness or character flaws that cause him to err once in a while-
It is human nature to be confused and make mistakes. Shukranītisāra 2.278a
When we commit a mistake, in addition to apologizing the people we have hurt, we must also seek forgiveness from the Divine Lord-
If, Lord Varuna (‘Holy One’) we have sinned against the man who loves us, Or against a friend, Or against a comrade ever, or a brother; Or against a neighbor who is always with us; Or against a stranger – Then from that sin may You release us. Rigveda 5.85.7
Evil actions beget evil results later in this very life or in a future life, but the Lord has assured us that if we resort to spiritual knowledge and seek refuge him with love and devotion, even our most evil actions are forgiven and overcome-
Even if you are the most evil amongst evil doers, you will cross all wickedness by the boat of knowledge alone. Arjuna, just as the fire which is kindled reduces firewood to ashes, so does the fire of knowledge reduces all karma to ashes. Gita 4.36-37
Even if a person of the vilest conduct starts worshipping me with single-minded devotion, he too must be counted amongst the good, because he has resolved well. Gita 9.30
This does not mean that we pray to the Lord to forgive every time we commit a mistake. While it is appropriate for a virtuous person to feel remorse after making an error, it is better to atone for his actions and resolving that he will not repeat his mistakes-
One can get purified of the results of his evil deeds by performing austerities, by doing good deeds and through giving charity, but only if he is not inclined to repeating the same evil deeds in the future. Mahābhārata 12.35.1
Remorse, regret and atonement must not degenerate into incessant self-flagellation. In worldly matters, errors of judgment or poor choices can happen. But a single or a few mistakes can never define us in totality. We should learn from our mistakes to improve ourselves and move on from there-
A person should not continue to condemn himself for his past failures. He should exert to gain prosperity till the last day of his life, and not think that it is hard to obtain. Manusmriti 4.137
A Sinner becomes a Saint: A shepherd was once caught stealing money from a shopkeeper. He was jailed and the word ‘stena’ (‘thief’ in Sanskrit) was tattooed on his forehead for lifelong humiliation. While serving his sentence, the shepherd felt deep remorse and decided to turn over a new leaf. He spent much of his time helping other prisoners, reading sacred books and worshipping. As years passed, his prostrations while worshipping disfigured the tattoo on his forehead somewhat. After he was released, he moved to a new village and took up service under a landlord. He worked hard, and spent much of his spare time helping others. He never spoke about his past. After serving his community as an ideal citizen for many decades, he passed away. At his cremation, a man asked the Pandit, “What does that incomplete tattoo on his forehead mean?” The Pandit replied, “When God sends a great soul to live with us, he inscribes ‘Sant’ (‘Saint’) on his forehead. What else could it mean?”
Rishi Valmiki: Many Hindu saints had a dishonorable past but by reforming and seeking help from the Lord, they became our Sages. Rishi Valmiki was a highway robber. He was reformed by other Rishis when he tried to rob them. Valmiki sought refuge in the name of Rama and meditated for long till he became a noble soul. He wrote the immortal Ramayana on the Divine acts of Rama to provide inspiration about Dharma to all humanity.
9.22 Don’t be a Simpleton nor be too Docile
One should be simple natured (not crooked), light hearted, forgiving and honest but this does not mean that we become sitting ducks for crooked people around us. While we must not swindle, rob or hurt others, we must also not let others do that to us. Being too docile often creates the impression that we are pushovers and weak. But we must combine gentleness of behavior with firmness and the ability to ward off aggressions of others-
One should not be too straightforward or simple. Go and look in the forest – the erect and straight trees are felled whereas the crooked plants are left untouched. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 7.12 Even if the cobra has no venom left, it should expand it hood fully. It does not matter whether he has venom or not because even expanding his hood can scare others. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 9.10
9.23 Be a Good Citizen
A householder is not just a parent, son/daughter, nephew/niece, uncle/aunt etc., but also a citizen of his nation. Following are some of the good qualities of an ideal citizen-
That citizen is truly a brother or sister of everyone who presents himself to help during the time of sickness, sorrow, famine, foreign invasion and who appears when needed at the gates of power as well as cremation grounds. (i.e. civic engagements especially at the time of a national calamity are hallmarks of ideal citizens). Vriddha Chāṇakya 1.14
As the married couple are the bedrock of the entire society, they have the greatest responsibility in nourishing and sustaining it. Mutual cooperation and collaboration between all members of the society, not exhibiting mutual jealousies and unhealthy competition are vital to the healthy growth of any society and the best protection against external and internal enemies-
Communities progress and grow by working together and helping each other just as lotuses increase (geometrically) in a lake. Mahabharata 5.26.35
Just like the honey bees unite against the person who tries to steal honey from their beehive and kill him, in the same way even a united group of weak men can defeat a strong enemy. Mahābhārata
3.33.70
The two stories below illustrate the role of an ideal citizen, who does not shy away to do his bit to fight calamities that strike his community, and who treats everyone equally according to the law of the land.
Helping Out during Plague: Margaret Elizabeth Noble (1867-1911), an Irish lady, was deeply influenced by the Vedantic teachings of Swami Vivekananda during his visit to England. She relocated to India, adopted Hindu Dharma and came to be known as Sister Nivedita. In 1899, a terrible plague broke out in Calcutta and many started dying of disease. Sister Nivedita was pained to note that none of the citizens did anything to clean up and kept waiting for the government to do something to ward off the epidemic. She took matters in her hand and started cleaning the streets with a broom and disinfectants. Inspired by her example, other citizens soon stepped forward to clean garbage heaps, drains and roads to eradicate the plague.
Applying the Law to the Powerful: In the year 1929, the Nizam (The ruler of the kingdom of Hyderabad) visited the aquarium in the Indian city of Madras (now called Chennai). The Nizam was then a powerful Indian ruler, and one of the richest men in the world. The manager of the aquarium thought that it would be inappropriate to ask the Nizam to buy the entrance ticket. But Madhavrao Golwalkar, who also worked there, insisted that no exceptions must be made – even the Nizam must obey the rules. Golwalkar also ensured that the Nizam entered the aquarium only after he had produced the ticket at the entrance, like any other visitor. All the officials of the aquarium were stunned because the Nizam was a powerful man. They heaved a sigh of relief only after the Nizam had left after an uneventful trip. Through his example, Guru Golwalkar (as he was later called) demonstrated that no one is above the law, and that rules apply to everyone, whether they are ordinary citizen or our leaders.
9.24 Have a Daily Date with Yourself
A married couple’s life gets very busy. In the midst of serving and providing for their children and others, the husband and wife often find no time for the personal dimension of their lives. They subordinate their own preferences, likes and interests for the sake of others. Their personal growth gets retarded. But it is very important to take out at least some time every day for acts, no matter howsoever little, for personal growth and development-
One should live each day productively by giving charity, studying, doing good deeds or at least by reading a verse, half a verse or even a single syllable of a verse. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 2.13
In section 9.4 above, we had discussed that after awakening from sleep early in the morning, and at dusk, are the best times to reflect on spiritual matters, plan for the day and reflect on matters of Dharma and
Artha, center oneself through worship and meditation and so on-
A Brahmana should wake up at the time sacred to Brahmā (= 48 minutes before sunrise) and reflect on his Dharma and wealth, on the bodily troubles arising from them, and on the true meaning of the Veda. Manusmriti 4.92
At dawn, after he has risen, answered the call of nature and purified himself, he should spend some time while meditation on himself, quietly chanting prayers, and he should do the same at the proper time at dusk. Manusmriti 4.93
Setting aside time daily for self-reflection in complete solitude, whenever possible, is also important. It is during this ‘me time’ alone that one can indulge in higher level of thought and really improve one’s condition-
Let one reflect alone on things that can benefit one’s soul in solitude, because only through silent self-reflection does one achieve the most excellent purposes. Manusmriti 4.258
9.25 Be Grateful, Thankful and Count your Blessings
Being thankful for what one has, thankful towards everyone who have benefited us, and not living with regrets about the past, or complaints about the present or apprehensions about the future helps us keep our mental sanity. It is our Dharma to give charity and serve others in any way possible. And conversely, it is the Dharma of the beneficiary of that charity or favor or service to repay his benefactor’s kindness; and also be kind to others when they are in need. A person who shows no gratitude towards his benefactor is considered worthy of condemnation in
Hindu scriptures,
Do not bear enmity towards even one leaf of that lush green tree in whose cooling shade you took refuge (from the sun). Remembering the favor of that tree towards you, do not ever harm it in future. Mahābhārata (Southern Recension), 4 chapter 16
Virtuous people who follow Dharma always remember the favors of others and forget the transgressions of others towards them. Mahābhārata 15.12.2
The following incident from the noted Hindi scholar and follower of Vaishnavite Hindu traditions shows how we must show our gratitude.
Story: Bharatendu Harishchandra keeps showing his gratitude to his one-time benefactor
Bharatendu Harishchandra, the renowned Hindi scholar in the 19th cent. was a very generous man. Soon, he lost all his wealth through acts of charity. He received considerable mail. Bharatendu diligently wrote answers to these letters and placed them in an envelope read to mail. But he never mailed them, because postage was expensive in those days and he did not have money to mail them.
One day, a dear friend of his purchased postage stamps for Rs 5 (a princely sum in those days) and gave them to Bharatendu so that he can mail his letters. Soon thereafter, Bharatendu’s financial condition improved and he repaid the amount to his friend.
However, even after that, Bharatendu would give his friend Rs 5 every time he met him. His friend objected saying, “Bharatendu, you are embarrassing me. I did what a friend ought to have done. If you do not stop giving me money, I will stop seeing you again.”
Bharatendu replied, “Please do not stop seeing me. You had helped me at a time when I was really desperate for money. I am really grateful for your timely help. Even if I keep giving you Rs 5 every time we meet for the rest of my life, I will never be able to repay your generosity.”
9.25.1 Prasādabuddhi: Constant gratitude towards Bhagavān
Some people always keep complaining no matter how much they have and receive from others. This mental attitude is not healthy, and it brings unhappiness to oneself and also to others around us. Hindu scriptures like the Bhagavad Gita teach that one should always have an even mind in joys and sorrows, and must always have an attitude of thankfulness and gratitude towards Bhagavān during all ups and downs in his or her life. This type of a mental attitude of constant gratitude and thankfulness towards the Divine is termed as ‘prasādabuddhi’, which means believing that everything is a gift of Bhagavān and all that we have and receive is due to Bhagavān’s grace.
Having a prasādabuddhi helps us become more happy and contented with life, be at greater peace with ourself, others and with Bhagavān and also enables us to accept severe downturns in our life with greater ease. Such a person lives with the feeling that whatever happens in his life is due to Bhagavān’s wish, is Bhagavān’s gift, and that since Bhagavān always wishes us well, He has a good long term plan for us. Therefore, that person does not let temporary suffering or downturns in his life upset him. Instead, he keeps his faith in the Divine, and continues to do his work in life.
9.26 Giving Back to All
While tasting success in our endeavors, we often forget the helping hand of numerous people and factors. A vain and egotistic person believes that his victory is solely his, and no one else has a ‘right’ to share the fruit of his success. But a noble person understands that ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and that all of us are interconnected with others in a web of relationships. When we ‘share’ with others, we are not doing them a favor. Rather, we are giving them the share that rightfully belongs to them. The following hymn of
Rigveda describes eloquently the need to share our wealth, food and wisdom with others-
The Divine Beings have not given hunger as the cause of our death, because death comes to even a well-fed man in various other ways. The wealth of a liberal donor never withers away, but he who does not give any security to others will find no consoler when he is in need. He who has food but hardens his heart against a weak man that needs nourishment, or a man who is suffering and has approached him for help, even when that suffering man had helped him in the past, will never find a consoler when he is in need. But he who is generous in giving, shares his belongings with the distressed and wandering man that comes asking for food – success in challenges will come to that generous person because by giving, he has earned a friend in the person he has helped. He is no friend who does not share with his friend or with any fellow human being who has come asking for help. Never think of this ‘friend’ as your shelter because better than him is a stranger who gives comfort to the needy. Let a wealthy person help those who need help and let him take a broader view of life – wealth is like the wheel of a chariot that rolls from one direction another and does not stay with the same person all the time. In vain does a niggardly person acquire riches, his food will become his death. He who does not share with his friend or with a companion – he who eats alone – that man eats only sin. The knower of Vedas who shares his knowledge is better than one who hides it. And the kinsman who shares is superior to one who does not. Rigveda 10.117-1-7
Story: Vivekananda inspires the Rockefeller Foundation
John D Rockefeller had become one of the world’s richest men by the end of the 19th century. Yet, he was a very unhappy man, always worried about losing money. Someone asked him to meet Swami Vivekananda, then visiting Chicago, to cure his depression. When Rockefeller arrived, he was surprised to see that the Swami read his mind and knew the reason of his visit by saying, “You can be an instrument of God to help the poor. That will bring you happiness.” Rockefeller felt insulted and left immediately. But later, he returned after some thought, bringing a donation check to the Swami. He said, “Swami Vivekananda, do you feel happy upon getting my donation check?” The Swami replied, “I am always happy. Tell me if you feel happy giving it to me.” The words stuck Rockefeller’s heart. Instead of leaving all of his money to his children, he started the Rockefeller Foundation for philanthropy. In the last more than 100 years, the Foundation has supported hundreds of charitable projects.
9.27 Environmental Conservation
As the married householder in the Hindu tradition is the greatest producer and consumer of material wealth and goods, they have the greatest responsibility of all the categories of humans to conserve our environment. In other religions, the environment consisting of animals, plants and natural resources is considered the wealth of humanity, meant for use as we please. However, Hindu Dharma treats all living creatures as our family members, with whom we share our Mother Earth. In fact, even non-living objects like stones and rivers are pervaded by Paramatman, or God as the Supreme Soul. Therefore, Hindu tradition forbids us from wanton abuse and destruction of our environment through slaughter of animals, cutting down or trees or defiling the earth by indiscriminate mining and other similar activities.
Whatever I dig out from you Earth, may that grow quickly back again. O purifying Mother Earth, may we not injure your vitals or your heart. Atharvaveda 12.1.35
Trees are like good people who care for others. They have to keep standing in the sun but they give shade to others. Whatever fruits they bear, they do not eat themselves, but give to others. How kind the trees are! Vikrama Charitaṃ 65
Manusmriti 8.285 asks the state to impose fines for unnecessary damage or destruction of trees. Even when trees are cut for specific purposes, prayers of forgiveness should be offered, according to Manusmriti
11.143. Planting of trees is said to be very good Karma, and it brings great rewards. In fact, Queen Kunti says in the Mahabharata that the trees are our true companions and even if life were possible without trees, it would not be worth living.
Likewise, for animals, Manusmriti prescribes fines and punishments if pedestrians and cart drivers injure animals intentionally. There are even rules for the minimum number of oxen that should be tied to the plough so that they are not over-worked, rules concerning riding of horses, feeding domestic animals before the owner eats himself and so on.
Intentional pollution of water bodies, soil etc., are also all recognized as punishable offences in the Hindu tradition.
Let him not discharge urine in a river, nor on a path, nor on ashes, nor on cow dung, nor on a ploughed field, nor on one which has been sown, nor on a grassplot, nor in the shade (of trees) that afford protection (to travelers). Vāshishtha Dharmasūtra 6.12
He should dispose of urine, water used for washing feet, leftover food, and unclean liquids far away from his home. Manusmriti 4.151
The Hindu belief that Paramatman resides in the entire creation, and that animals and plants also have souls (whereas Christians and Muslims do not always accept that they have souls), and the Hindu values of vegetarianism, aparigraha (non-hoarding), austerity and santosha (contentment) are very conducive towards environmental awareness and conservation.
10.0 Dharma of a Couple as Parents of Children (Prajā)
In the Vedas, the groom addresses his bride with the following words-
Here I am and here you are – I am the verse (Rik), you are the melody (Sāma). We two shall dwell here together, becoming parents of our children. Atharvaveda 14.5.71
Procreation of children by a couple is a major fulfillment of their married life in the Hindu tradition. Giving birth to children is a joy as well as a challenge. Being with them helps us grow as a person, repay the debt that we owe to our forefathers and also keep the wheel of life moving.
10.1 The Importance of Children in a Householder’s Life
Children are a great source of fulfillment and joy for any parents and grandparents. In fact, one of the main purposes of a married life is to procreate and have children,
By the sacred tradition, the woman is declared to be the soil, the man is declared to be the seed; the production of all corporeal beings takes place through the union of the soil with the seed. Manusmriti 9.33
He alone is a perfect man who consists of three persons united – himself, his wife and his children. This is what the Vedas teach, and likewise the learned Brahmanas also state that, ‘The husband is one with the wife.’” Manusmriti 9.45
In the Hindu scriptures, descriptions of bliss often involve the imagery if children. In Rig Veda 10.114.4, the seer (‘Rishi’) observes divinity from near, and likens it to the blissful vision of a child kissed by and kissing his mother. The impact of devotional hymns of sages on the Divine is described as ‘caressing the child’ (Rigveda 10.123.2d) or kissing the child (9.85.11c).
Many couples spend their lives in sorrow when they are unable to beget any of their own children. They go to great lengths – medical treatments, worship ceremonies, adoption etc. to fill this void in their life by bringing a child into their home. The profound influence that children can have on their parents’ hearts and minds is illustrated in these verses from the Hindu scriptures -
A home that does not resound with the recitation of the Vedas, which is not embellished with cows and which is not filled with children is like a crematorium. Atri Saṃhitā 1.310
You cannot find an enemy like a son - on being born the son takes away one's wife [when a son is born mother's attention is more to the son than to her husband]; while growing up he takes away wealth and if by chance he dies he takes away the life of the father, too. Garuda Purāṇa 1.114.60. Of all the blessings we know of, none is greater than the begetting of children endowed with intelligence. Those who bear children of blameless character will be untouched by evil for seven births. It is said that children are a man’s real wealth, and that his wealth is determined by his deeds. Far sweeter than divine nectar is simple boiled rice stirred by the small hands of one’s own child. The touch of one’s children is a delight to the body, and listening to them chatter is a joy to the ear. “Sweet are the sounds of the flute and the lute,” say only those who have not heard the prattle of their own children. Tirukkural, Chapter VI, Kurals 61-66
If the birth of children brings great joy, they can also be a source of great sorrow in our lives. A prodigal son, who is evil, foolish, disobedient, or a child who dies in his or her youth – all these can cause a permanent trauma to parents. In fact, Hindu scriptures say that it is better not to have any child, then to have one who turns out to be a criminal, or who dies prematurely in front of his parents’ eyes.
Story: Krishnadevarāya plays with Children to overcome his Depression
One day, King Krishna Deva Raya became very sad. He stopped smiling. When anyone tried to talk to him or make him happy, the King would just walk away. His wife and ministers brought several dancers, magicians and jugglers to please him. But the King remained sad. Now, everyone was worried. They went to Tenali Raman and asked for his help.
Tenali Raman came to the palace the next morning. He requested the King to come with him for a walk in the city. He said, “Your majesty, I want to show you the most beautiful flowers that you have ever seen. When you look at them, you will really feel very happy. The King agreed. But he kept quiet throughout the walk. After sometime, they came to a park where some children were playing.
The kids were laughing and making excited sounds while playing. In a corner, a group of kids was using mud to make tiny homes, animals, mountains and birds. They were really enjoying playing with the mud. Suddenly, the King said, “When I was a little kid, I loved playing with mud. It was a lot of fun. I will join these kids and make some clay houses with them.”
So, the King joined and played with the kids for almost an hour. They made a tiny village with many huts, homes, cows, bridges and other things with mud. When it was all complete, the King smiled. He looked so happy and relaxed. He said to Tenali Raman, “I really had a lot of fun! Thank you for bringing me here. I already feel so relaxed. My sadness has gone away. But now let us go and see the most beautiful flowers that you wanted me to see.”
Tenali Raman replied, “Your majesty, the most beautiful flowers on this earth are our kids. No matter how sad we are, they can bring a smile to our faces. See how happy you feel after playing with them!”
The King agreed. He said, “You are correct Tenali. Now I will visit them and play with them whenever I feel sad.” The King then ordered that all the kids in the park should be given a gift of toys. He also had several swings and slides put up in the park. And whenever he was sad, he would go to that park and play with the kids to make himself happy!
10.2 Giving birth to Children: A Dhārmic Duty
The birth of one’s children ensures that the family lineage that we have inherited from our ancestors will continue even after our death. Therefore, by having children, we repay our debt to our ancestors. And by refusing to procreate, we remain stuck with debt and therefore become ineligible for Moksha. Raising a child is a great long-term commitment. In the Hindu scriptures, a story is narrated in which Rishi Agastya performs spiritual austerities for a long time as a bachelor. A story is narrated in Mahābhārata 3.96.14-18 wherein Maharshi Agastya once saw his ancestors hung upside down over a gorge. He asked them for the cause of their pitiable condition, and they replied, “We have been reduced to this painful state because you have not married and given birth to any children. If you give birth to and raise noble progeny, we will be delivered from this health.” Agastya then promised to marry and have children so that his ancestors could be freed of their pain. He approaches the King of Vidarbha and marries his daughter Lopamudrā.
In the modern context, it is a civilizational imperative for Hindus to give birth to sufficient number of children so that they are not demographically swamped by aggressive and intrusive proselytizing religions which annihilate Hindu faith, customs, traditions and populations when the Hindus become a minority. Due to a lower fertility ration of Hindus compared to communities like Muslims, minority Hindus are being ethnically cleansed out from large parts of the Indian subcontinent including some regions of India.
At the same time however, some couples want to have children but medical/biological factors prevent them from doing so. Hindu scriptures do not excoriate these childless couples because it is not their fault. Childless couples are exhorted to repay their other debts and give charity.
Some people, having extended their family line, enter into their children and thereby enter into the higher realms upon death. There are some others who have no children (and are therefore not able to repay their debt to the forefathers). When they return their debts owed to others or give charity, they too enter heaven. Yajurveda, Taittirīya Āraṇyaka 2.6.6
Many couples, especially in developed countries, do not want to take on the responsibilities of raising their own children and therefore decide not to have any of their own. From a Hindu perspective, it is acceptable if a couple postpone the birth of their children if they are not settled in their lives. E.g.. Bhagavan Rama and Devi Sita had children only after their return from a 14 year long exile in the forest. However, if the couple has the ability or the resources to raise children, then from a Hindu perspective, it is Adharma to decide that they will lead a life without children.[46]
10.3 Types of Children
It is not only the biological child to a married couple who is considered a legitimate child in the Hindu tradition. Other types of children recognized in the Hindu scriptures and tradition include:
1. Adopted formally through a religious ceremony. This child could belong either to a family member of the adopting parents, to their extended clan or someone else. The child could be adopted by childless parents or those with their own biological children. Sometimes, couples whose children are all male adopt a female child and vice versa.
2. A child from the same clan whom his parents have given formally to his adoptive parents in times of calamity because the biological parents are no longer able to provide for their child.
3. A child who has been abandoned by his parents and is therefore adopted as an orphan by a compassionate couple.
4. A child who is orphaned (because his parents died or abandoned him) and is old enough to seek shelter with another married couple, requesting them to adopt him as their own child. The child is then adopted through a religious ceremony and takes on the name and lineage of his adopting parents.
5. Illegitimate or Stepchildren: According to traditional Hindu codes of Dharma, there could be several types of illegitimate children-
a. The unmarried woman gets pregnant (and knows or does not know about it) and marries another man. In this case, her husband is henceforth considered the father of the child.
b. An unmarried woman bears children but does not marry their biological father and instead marries another male. In this case, her husband henceforth considered the father of her children (his stepchildren) even though he may not have sired them.
c. A married woman has children outside of wedlock with a man who is not her husband secretly. Her husband is considered the father of these children as well.
d. A married woman is pregnant but becomes a widow before she gives birth. If she remarries before or after the birth of her child, her new husband is considered the father of his stepchildren.
6. A Guru often considered students residing with him as his own children. However, the students have no inheritance rights in the property of their Guru, but he can will his knowledge and religious authority to them. For example, some Gurus nominated a good student as their spiritual successor, leaving their inherited family wealth to their biological children but their spiritual authority and accompanying rights to the student who became the next Guru.
7. Surrogate Children: This is a modern practice, made possible due advances in science. Sometimes, a couple is unable to conceive whereupon the fertilized embryo is implanted into the womb of another woman who is typically paid to bear the child till the birth. Modern Indian law frowns upon this practice. In ancient Hindu society, if a wife was unable to bear any children, or bore only female children (10 or more), the husband was allowed to remarry and have his second wife bear his children which belonged equally to both his wives. Modern Hindu law does not permit polygamy and therefore, this practice is now defunct.
8. Levirate: In ancient India, if a married woman was widowed, she was sometimes allowed to bear a child from another male, typically her brother in law or someone from her husband’s clan. This was done publicly, with the permission of elders. The biological father had no claim over the child he had fathered because the child belonged solely to the widowed mother. This practice is now defunct except that in some cases, widows are given the option of marrying a younger, unmarried brother of their dead husband.[47] This present practice is different from the ancient custom of giving birth to levirate children because the former requires a widow remarriage and the latter did not. The ancient custom of Levirate is now banned under modern Hindu law.
9. Purchased Children: An example is a wealthy childless couple purchasing a child from a poor couple who need the money but have many other children and are therefore willing to sell one or more of their children. This practice was frowned upon in the ancient Hindu society because children cannot be sold or purchased like commodities and is completely banned under the modern Hindu law.
The gift (or acceptance of a child) and the right to sell (or buy) a child are not recognized. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.5.11.11
It is declared in the Veda that at the time of marriage a gift, for (the fulfillment of) his wishes should be made (by the bridegroom) to the father of the bride, in order to fulfil the law……..In reference to those (marriage-rites) the word ‘sale’ (which occurs in some Smritis is only used as (a metaphorical expression; for the union (of the husband and wife) is effected through the law.” Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.5.11.12
10.3.1 Adoption of Children: Interfaith Perspectives
The Hindu tradition regards providing for orphans as a general duty of householders, similar to earning wealth and taking care of their own children-
Several duties are said to be required of householders – Look after cows, agriculture, sowing seeds for crop, feed Brahmanas, feed milk to infants, look after their children, give charity to orphans and give medicine to sick Brahmanas and other humans. Āpastamba Smriti 1.4-5
The nine duties of a householder are summarized as: Sandhya (twilight worship), bathing, japa, homa, study of Vedas, worshipping the Devas, performance of Bali Vaishvadeva, and feed an atitihi to whatever extent one can; and divide one’s food amongst elders, devas, humans, needy, orphans, ascetics, Guru, mother, and father. Daksha Smriti 3.8-9
Adoption of orphaned children, providing for them even without adoption and ensuring that they are fed, educated and receive all their rites of passage is considered a great act of Dharma in the Hindu tradition-
He who regards a child that has no mother or father, as his own biological child, and provides for him is very fortunate indeed and is worshipped even by Brahmā and other Devas. Brahma Purāṇa
110.70
He who performs the rights of passage of an orphan, and gets him married – his religious merit is infinite. Daksha Smriti 3.30
And that Brahmana who performs the ceremonies of the rights of passage for such an orphan gets a greater religious merit than what one gets by performing Agnihotra and Agnishtoma sacrifices. Daksha Smriti 3.31
Some other Rishis teach that giving charity to one’s dependents including the orphans brings great merit to the householder-
During the third part of the day, let one deliberate upon wealth and the welfare of ‘those who ought to be taken care of’. Daksha Smriti 2.32b
Mother, father, teacher, wife, children, poor, dependents, one who has fallen upon difficult times, an atithi and the sacred fire – these constitute the category of ‘those who ought to be taken care of’.
Daksha Smriti 2.33
One’s clan, companions, disabled or injured, orphans, dependents and other poor, these are also included in this category. Daksha Smriti 2.34
The householder should cook for all creatures and feed learned scholars. Not doing so causes him to go to Hell. Daksha Smriti 2.35
By looking after the people in this category, one goes to Heavens; and by causing hurt to them, one goes to Hell. Daksha Smriti 2.36
His life alone is meaningful on whom depend the lives of many others. But he who lives merely to fill his own stomach is dead even though alive. Daksha Smriti 2.37
Some people live for the sake of many others, some exert only for their own family members, while there are some who cannot even feed their own stomach and lead a sorrowful existence. Daksha Smriti 2.38
Therefore, he who desires his own progress should always give alms to the poor, the orphans and distinguished persons (such as scholars etc.); for he who does not give alms to these lives on the fate of others (i.e., on the good will of others, so to speak). Daksha Smriti 2.39
10.4 Preference for a Male Child
10.4.1 Woman as an unwanted Fetus
In the last few years, a terrible consequence of traditional preference for male children has been selective abortions of female fetuses after determination of their sex by modern ultrasound techniques. This has resulted in falling sex-ratios in India in the last few decades. Successive census data show that the problem is not restricted to the Hindu community alone – it is prevalent to a greater extent in the allied Sikh community, as well as present to a lesser extent in the Muslim community. It is no consolation that the proportion of abortions to conceptions in India is an order of magnitude less than that in the United States (where an estimated one third of fetuses are aborted, especially in teenage pregnancies) because of the fact that female feticide involves selection and elimination of predominantly female fetuses. It is merely a matter of time before falling sex ratios in India would lead to social problems. The government of India has outlawed sex determination tests though they continue to be conducted surreptitiously. And it is seen that female feticide is relatively rarer amongst poorer and rural Hindus who still cling to traditional values of their Dharma, and who also do not have access to these scientific sex-determination tests. The Dharmic position on this problem is that according to Hindu texts, abortion as such is considered one of the deadliest sins. This injunction against feticide is gender neutral, and therefore from a Hindu perspective, parents who kill their daughters even before they are born are burdening themselves with a lot of sinful Karma. No wonder that Hindu and Sikh religious leaders have openly come out against this heinous practice, which has no precedent and no sanction in Hindu Dharma. There is no evidence that this selective abortion of female fetuses is carried out by Hindu communities outside India (or rather some parts of India) and public concern against this evil practice is steadily mounting within the Hindu and Sikh communities. This is resulting in a progressive improvement in the gender ration in India in the last twenty years.
.Some passages of Hindu texts[48] are grotesquely misinterpreted by prejudiced scholars and by anti-Hindu websites to ‘prove’ that female infanticide through exposure of girl infant is sanctioned in our Dharma. In reality all forms of infanticide and abortions are considered heinous sins in our tradition. How can a true
Hindu ever kill his own daughter, who is the very embodiment of Devi, and the object of reverence as well as of supreme compassion?
10.4.2 Woman as Daughter
As in all human cultures[49], Hindu culture also unfortunately shows a preference for the male child. There are pre-natal rites[50] prescribed by Hindu texts to ensure that the fertilized embryo is male and not female[51]. In ancient times (and also in modern times), birth of a son ensured financial and emotional security for parents when they became too old to fend for themselves because there was no organized social security infrastructure. Whereas the daughter was married off to another man and moved out, the devoted son was supposed to take personal care of his aged parents.
In addition, Hinduism advocates that every man is born with three (or four) debts, of which one was the debt to one’s ancestors who gave birth to us. This debt can be redeemed apparently only by marrying and procreating children, or specifically male children, because the family lineage is said to perpetuate only through male issues. It was said that a person who did not discharge his debt to his ancestors by producing male issues was debarred from Heaven. Finally, after one’s parents die, the son (or some other male in the same ‘lineage’ or gotra) was expected to perform worship and offerings to his departed ancestors (to three generations). This worship could not be performed by daughters who technically belonged to the lineage of their husbands after their marriage.58
While such beliefs have been questioned sometimes within Hindu texts themselves, the overall effect has been a very strong preference for male children within the Hindu community. Whereas the birth of sons was accompanied with great merriment, birth of daughters was often accompanied by a sense of gloom or at best subdued celebrations. If a couple did not beget sons, they often had several issues till one or more sons were born to them. There was a constant pressure on the wife to have a male child, despite no fault of hers. In very extreme cases, if the wife bore only daughters, the husband was allowed to marry a second time (while keeping his first wife) in the hope that the second wife will beget them a son. Hindu poets59 say that the birth of a daughter made her parents weep, because as soon as they saw her face for the first time, they realized that their precious jewel would eventually leave them and live with someone else. Daughters were therefore traditionally regarded as ‘parāyā dhana’ or ‘a treasure that really belongs to someone else’. At the time of her wedding therefore, her father or her brother ritually ‘gifted’[52] their most precious diamond
(i.e., their daughter/sister) to her husband, after extracting promises that he would always take good care of her even if he has to forsake his life, just as her father and brother had done earlier. The sale of one’s daughter was forbidden and severely condemned. See Manu 3.51; Āpastamba Smriti 9.98. A purchased wife was not considered equal in status to other wives (Baudhāyana Dharmasūtra 1.11.20) and was like a maidservant. [53] These topics are discussed in greater detail in earlier sections.
In fact, in Hindu families that are financially comfortable, daughters are literally pampered (compared to sons) because they would have to manage a lot of household work in their future husbands’ home anyway. At seeing their daughters leave their homes and proceed to their husband’s abode, parents are filled with grief.[54] Things are changing rapidly in the Hindu society however and it is often seen that a married daughter takes more care of her aged parents their son.
The internal testimony of Vedic literature shows its close connection with women, but in the texts of classical Hinduism, women were often debarred from studying the revealed scriptures directly. However, they were allowed, at least in theory, to study the texts of classical Hinduism, such as the Ramayana, the Mahabharata and the Puranas which supposedly expound the Vedas in a more lucid manner. By and large, daughters did not undergo the sacraments preceding the formal initiation of study, and this contributed to large-scale illiteracy of Hindu women in the recent centuries. The situation has been remedied by various Hindu reform movements[55], and Hindu women are catching up with men in education rapidly.
Fortunately however, despite the overall preference for male issues, Hindu texts do contain several teachings which equate a son with a daughter[56]. Although social mores privilege a male child over a female one, the sacred texts of Hindus often regard them as equal-
Just like a son is one’s self, so is the daughter one’s own self. Manusmriti 9.130
The very birth of a daughter is the result of numerous lives of noble Karma-
A daughter is born in one’s life as a result of several pious acts. Padma Purāṇa 4.5.29
Her birth is cause of happiness, not sorrow-
When a daughter is born in a family, she brings great happiness to her relatives. Skanda Purāṇa, Kailāsha Khaṇda 74.80
Some passages even privilege a daughter over multiple sons-
and it does not imply at all that women are commodities that can be sold and purchased (cf. Pūrva Mīmāṃsā Sūtras 6.1.15). Manusmriti 9.93 explicitly prohibits sale of a daughter. Likewise, Manusmriti 3.53 promises hell for parents and other relatives who sell their daughter in exchange for commodities as if she were a piece of property.
A daughter is equivalent to ten sons. The merit that one gets by raising and taking care of a single daughter is equal to the merit obtained by raising ten sons. Skanda Purāṇa, Kailāsha Khaṇda
23.46
Brihadarāṇyaka Upanishad 6.4.17 actually prescribes a ritual for parents who desire a scholarly daughter to be born to them. During the marriage ceremony, the husband touches all the fingers of his wife except the thumb, if the couple is desirous of a daughter.[57] After their marriage, the husband shows his wife the Pole Star and other heavenly bodies if he desires that a daughter be born to them.[58] Several kāmyashrāddhas (rites done to obtain a specific result) are prescribed in ritual literature to ensure the birth of a daughter.[59] A text asks the father to greet both his son and his daughter upon returning from a journey.[60]
Another text states that the birth of a daughter is very meritorious.[61] There have been cases where fathers are said to have been more fond of their daughters than their sons. For instance, according to the Brahmavaivarta Purāṇa, King Ugrasena was more fond of his daughter Devakī (the mother of Krishna) than his son Kamsa. In Nārada Purāṇa, a childless Brahmin prays to Lord Vishnu for a child. When the pleased Lord asks him whether he wants a daughter or a son, he responds – “What difference would it make, for a son would be your likeness while a daughter would be the likeness of Devi Lakshmi.” Lord Vishnu blesses him with a daughter. The text says that the Brahmin was overjoyed with the birth of his daughter, and educates her to be a great scholar.
In several Purana texts, the Universal Divine Mother is born in the household of her devotee Daksha as his daughter Sati.[62] Indeed, in many Hindu households, daughters are considered as manifestations of Devi. Many rituals and pilgrimages (to Shakti shrines such as Vaishṇo Devī) are completed by worshipping and offering food to eight young girls (which may include one’s own daughters) who are considered as forms of the Devī. A text says that Devī Lakshmī always dwells within our good daughters.[63] Hindu texts say that the daughter deserves compassion from her parents[64], and is the highest object of his father’s compassion.[65] It was forbidden to inflict physical punishment on one’s daughter.
A daughter is not a burden to be disposed of to whosoever will marry her. The parents ensure that the groom is worthy of her and is qualified in every manner. See also section 2.3 above-
One must not marry a daughter to someone whose family background, place of origin, lineage, wealth, character and age are not known. Padma Purāṇa 4.26.24
Do not marry your daughter to a man who lives too near or far, who is too rich or too poor, who has no means of livelihood or who is a fool. Skanda Purāṇa, Kedāra Khaṇda 23.7
Likewise, Kanyādāna is considered a very noble act. See section 4.2 above for a discussion on this ceremonial act.
The idyllic description of a devout family blessed by Indra includes both sons and daughters.[66] The Tantras accord a very high place to the daughter. The Mahanirvāṇa Tantra 8.47 says that the daughter ought to be brought up with great care and affection and should be educated by her parents with as much care as sons.
In several cases, the daughter also provided the family’s lineage. Of the two most prominent royal dynasties of the Hindu society namely Suryavamsha (Solar Dynasty) and Chandravamsha (Lunar Dynasty), the latter owes its origin to Iḷā, the daughter of Manu (the equivalent of Biblical Noah in the Hindu tradition). According to Puranic texts, most of the kings of the Indian subcontinent belong to the Lunar dynasty, including Lord Krishna. A holy place called ‘Ilayaspada’ or the place of Ila, the daughter of Manu is said to be located close to the confluence of Sarasvati and Drishdvati rivers in northern India. Vedic texts call this site as the holiest place on the earth.75 Chandragupta I, the founder of the Gupta dynasty (whose reign is considered the Golden Age of Hindus according to some) married a Licchivi Princess, and many later Gupta Emperors took pride in their mother’s lineage.
10.5 Genetics versus Upbringing in the Development of Children
Personality is referred to by words like ‘svabhāva’, ‘prakṛti’ and ‘pravṛtti’ in Hindu sacred literature. As in modern times, these ancient texts mention several alternative and complementary views regarding what determines one’s personality. One’s intrinsic nature determines character traits like aptitude, inner values, preferences and so on. The Gita declares that it is indeed very difficult to overcome one’s nature –
Even the man of knowledge acts according to his own nature (Prakriti). All creatures follow their own nature. What can repression accomplish? Gita 3.33
This verse is treated as a hyperbole traditionally because it is possible to improve upon one’s natural flaws and defects although it takes considerable determination, effort, faith and wisdom. Moreover, the verse emphasizes the futility of attempts to be in a state of total inaction (unless in deep meditation) because the Guṇas of Prakriti impel one to act at every moment, in some way or the other. The following four factors are enumerated in Hindu texts as determinants of one’s nature or personality. Most of these factors are also recognized in modern behavioral sciences.
It is common observation that even mirror twins born the same set of parents and raised identically turn out to have different behaviors and natures-
Just as the berries and thorns on the same jujube tree are not identical, children born to the same parents and even under the same constellation do not have identical behavior and qualities. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 5.4
What determines our personality? Hindu traditions recognize four factors that determine one’s personality.
10.5.1 Genetics
In traditional cultures, one’s genetic lineage was considered a very important determinant of one’s personality because cultural and ethnic values were passed down within families from generation to generation and the communities was more static and insular compared to modern times. But this factor as a determinant of one’s personality tends to be undermined or even ignored in modern times because of increased intermixing and interactions between communities, a pervasive and standardized modern system of education and so on. Historically, equating the nature of individuals or even entire races to their genetic heritage has led to great crimes like the Jewish holocaust in Europe or the practice of untouchability in the Indian subcontinent. It often leads to demeaning stereotypes and prevents individuals from developing and displaying their full potential in the society and in their professions because the assumption is that ‘he is supposed to behave like this because of his heredity’.
Manu’s code of Dharma declares -
A man cut off from his class, who is unknown, of impure origin, and although not of noble lineage, has the appearance of the noble class, would be identified by his actions. Manusmriti 10.57 Dishonorable behavior, coarseness, cruelty, and neglect of prescribed duties reveal a man of impure origin in this world. Manusmriti 10.58
Whether he has the character of either his father or his mother, or both, a man of low origin can never conceal his own nature. Manusmriti 10.59
Even though born in an eminent family, if a man’s birth results from a mixture of classes, he acquires that very character to a lesser or greater extent. Manusmriti 10.60
One model in Hindu tradition for explaining how genetic lineage impacts one’s behavior is that of the four varṇas or social classes. This is evident from the verses cited above as well. The Gita too remarks –
Scorcher of enemies! The duties of the Brahmins, the Kshatriyas, the Vaishyas and of the Shudras are allocated according the guṇas born of their nature. Gita 18.41
Serenity, self-control, austerity, purity, forbearance, and uprightness, wisdom, knowledge and faith in afterlife – these are the duties of the Brāhmaṇas, born of their nature. Gita 18.42
Valor, majesty, steadfastness, resourcefulness, not fleeing even in a battle, charity and leadership, these are the duties of Kshatriya born of their nature. Gita 18.43
Agriculture, cattle-rearing, and trade are the duties of a Vaishya born of his nature. The work comprising of service is the duty of a Shudra, born of his nature. Gita 18.44
The Gita nowhere explicitly states that birth determines one’s varṇa and instead ties it to one’s Guṇas (Sattva, Rajas, Tamas) and duties in verse 4.13.
The system of four varṇas was created by Me according to the division of Guṇas and Karmas. Gita 4.13ab
In the Shudras there is a preponderance of Tamoguṇa, of Rajoguṇa in the Kshatriyas and of Sattvaguṇa in the Brāhmaṇas. In this way, the three Gunas predominate in these three varṇas. Anugita 23.11
The Upanishad also states that one’s Karma in previous life determine rebirth in specific varṇas and a clear hierarchy by is thereby implied:
Those whose conduct here has been good will quickly attain a good birth (literally womb), the birth of a Brahmin, the birth of a Kshatriya, or the birth of a Vaisya. But those whose conduct here has been evil, will quickly attain an evil birth, the birth of a dog, the birth of a hog or the birth of a Chandāla. Chhāndogya Upanishad 5.10.7
What one fails to forget, while criticizing these passages is that birth is only one determinant of one’s varṇa. In numerous passages in Hindu scriptures, it has been stated that the character of a person is the true determinant of one’s varna and it overrules even one’s parentage – ̣̣
If a man shows characteristics of a Varṇa different from that of his birth, then he should be designated by the former, and not by the Varṇa of his birth. Bhāgavata Purāņa 7.9.35
No one is a Brahmana, a Kshatriya, a Vaishya, a Shudra or a Mleccha (barbarian) by birth. Qualities and deeds alone decide division of humans into these categories. Shukranītisāra 1.38
All humans have originated from Brahmā, but are all of them called Brāhmaṇas? (This shows that)
Varna and parentage do not automatically give Brahmatejas (spiritual splendor) to anyone. Shukranītisāra 1.39
Yudhishthira said: O Snake, in my opinion, all human beings in this world have an admixture of
Varnas in them. Therefore, it is very difficult to determine their true Varna from their lineage. Mahabharata 3.177.26
I see that men of all Varnas beget children from women of all Varnas. Speech, sex, birth and death – these are common to all human beings. Mahabharata 3.177.27
‘May we sacrifice to the Devas, whoever we are’ – through the force of this Vedic statement, all humans perform Vedic yajnas. Therefore, the wise consider character alone as the primary factor (in deciding one’s Varna). Mahabharata 3.177.28
If, even after the performance of the sacred rites of passage (saṃskāras), an absence of good character is seen in a person, then consider an admixture of castes to be the strongest cause (of why that person does not conform to the nature of his Varna). Mahabharata 3.177.31
Therefore, he who is cultured and has a good character alone has been described by me as a Brahmana. Mahabharata 3.177.32
Sage Bhrigu said: He who has been purified by Jātakarma and other rites of passage (samskāras), who is engrossed in the study of the Vedas, who performs the six duties (twilight worship of sandhyā, ablutions, japa or recitation of sacred texts, homa or Vedic fire sacrifice, worship of deities and serving guests and all other living creatures)…Mahabharata 12.182.2
Who is saturated with purity and good conduct, who eats only the food that is left over after offering to the Deities, who is the beloved of his Guru, always keeps his religious vows and always pursues truth – he is indeed called a Brahmana. Mahabharata 12.182.3
Truth, charity, control over senses, absence of enmity, absence of cruelty, forgiveness, compassion and austerity – in whom these characteristics are seen, he alone is called a Brahmana. Mahabharata 12.182.4
He who pursues the duties of protecting masses, is engrossed in the study of Vedas, gives alms and collects taxes is called a Kshatriya. Mahabharata 12.182.5
Agriculture, dairy farming, trade, give charity, study the Vedas and remaining pure – he who has these characteristics is called a Vaishya. Mahabharata 12.182.6
That person who is always engrossed in enjoying material objects, who performs manual tasks, is impure, does not study the Vedas and indulges in inappropriate behavior – such a person is called a
Shūdra. Mahabharata 12.182.7
If the characteristics of a Shūdra are not seen in a Shūdra, then he is not a Shūdra. And if the characteristics of a Brahmana are not found in a Brahmana, then he is not a Brahmana. Mahabharata 12.182.8
The snake asked: There are four Varnas in this world – Brāhmaṇas, Kshatriyas, Vaishyas and Shūdras. All the four of them accept the authority of the Vedas. If a Shūdra exhibits qualities of character such as truth, charity, forgiveness, refined behavior, ahimsa and compassion, then will he become a Brahmana? Mahabharata 3.177.18
Yudhishthira replied: If the expected characteristics are not seen in a Brahmana or in a Shūdra, then that Brahmana is not a Brahmana and that Shūdra is not a Shūdra. Mahabharata 3.177.20 But the Shūdra in whom these qualities (of a Brahmana) are present is a Brahmana, and in the Brahmana in whom the qualities of a Shūdra are present is a Shūdra indeed. Mahabharata 3.177.21 Even the Shudra who knows the scriptures and is cultured becomes a Brahmana. Mahābhārata
13.143.46
In fact, in this same text (Chhāndogya Upanishad), we have the story of Satyakāma Jabāla, whose father was unknown and mother a maid of easy virtue. Yet, his fidelity to truth even at great personal risk made him eligible to acquire the knowledge of Brahman. Likewise, a cart driver Raikyamuni taught Brahmavidyā to King Jānashruti Pautrāyana. Even today, the Raikas are a nomadic, pastoral community in the Thar desert. And as discussed above, one’s birth into a specific varṇa is not just an accident but a choice resulting from karma that one had performed in his previous life. The problem arises when these social classes become very hierarchical and rigid with no ability to adopt another varṇa or profession.
Going beyond these controversies involving the role of varṇa in determining one’s personality, what does modern science have to say about the influence of genetics on one’s behavior? We all know that several mental disorders are indeed transmitted genetically. These disorders can run in families from generation to generation, which is why marrying genetically close relatives is forbidden in the Hindu community.
Modern genetics and behavioral sciences too have extensively studied the impact of one’s parentage on human behavior. The rapidly advancing field of Epigenetics indicates how distinctive traits including mental trauma and so on can be transmitted genetically across several generations.[67]
10.5.2 Environment
Identical twins raised in a different environment (e.g. one given up for adoption into a different family) grow up to be quite different individuals, more so than if they were raised together and offered the same opportunities etc. The impact of our surroundings, the educational and other opportunities offered to us, the communities that we live in on one’s personality has been studied well. Like all religions, Hindu Dharma too emphasizes that it is the duty of parents to educate their children, that we should select our companions and friends judiciously and that for our spiritual progress, we ought to avoid the company of evil doers and seek the company of those who are spiritual, virtuous and disciplined. The Dharmic traditions also emphasize selecting our environment by focusing our mind and senses only in ideas and objects that are noble and spiritual. In other words, we aren’t just passive implants into an environment. We also select some of the environment to place ourselves within.
10.5.3 Personal Effort
The third factor that shapes our personality is our own effort in acquiring specific abilities or skills, character traits, knowledge and in making conscious choices among various options. Even Hindu sacred texts that give great importance to one’s genetic inheritance as a factor in determining personality nevertheless state that we can make conscious choices and gradually alter our personality-
In the midst of the confusion of classes, those castes, whether concealed or revealed, that have been determined by their respective fathers and mothers, many be recognized by their particular occupations. Manusmriti 10.40
But in age after age in this world, according to the strength of their austerities and their seed, they are pulled up or dragged down in birth among humans. Manusmriti 10.42
By failing to perform the prescribed ceremonies and to obtain guidance from the Brāhmaṇas, the following Kshastriya castes have gradually sunk to the condition of Shudras among men....Manusmriti 10.43
In the Bhagavad Gita, no one is our greater enemy or well-wisher than ourselves-
Krishna said-
One should uplift the ātmā by the ātmā, and one should not degrade the ātmā. Indeed, the ātmā alone is the friend of the ātmā, and the ātmā alone is the enemy of the ātmā. Gita 6.5
For him who has conquered his ātmā by his own ātmā, the ātmā is a friend. But for him who has not conquered his ātmā, the ātmā remains hostile, like an enemy. Gita 6.6
One must be extremely disciplined, persevering and knowledgeable in the proper means of selfimprovement,
Krishna said-
Mighty Armed, without doubt, the mind is difficult to control and is restless. But, Son of Kunti, it can be controlled by constant effort (abhyāsa) and indifference towards worldly objects (vairāgya).
Gita 6.35
Yoga is hard to attain by one who is not self-disciplined in my opinion. But for one who is selfdisciplined, it is attainable by striving with proper means. Gita 6.36
Yogabhāṣhya 1.12 explains that the restless mind is like a river that never ceases to flow if it is not restrained. This mind-river either flows towards good, or it flows towards evil. If the mind-river flows towards good, it results in spiritual upliftment. But if it flows, due to attraction for worldly objects, towards evil, it results in getting trapped in the cycle of birth and deaths. One must block the current of the river flowing towards evil by ‘vairāgya’ or dispassion towards worldly objects and attractions towards them. And one must open the flow of the mind-river towards good through ‘abhyāsa’ or constant effort and discrimination between what is noble and what is not.
In the present life, we have no control over the body that we are born with. Often, the environment that we are placed in is also largely non-changeable. But personal effort is that factor that we can influence considerably by making the right choices, effort and learnings as much as we can. Repeated effort in a specific direction leads to habit formation. A collection of habits constitute our character. Therefore it is essential to watch our actions so that we develop a Dharmic personality. The Upanishads and other texts teach-
Indeed, one becomes good by good karma, and bad by bad karma. Brihadāraṇyaka Upanishad 3.2.13
According as one acts, according as one behaves, so does he become. The doer of good becomes good, the doer of evil becomes evil. One becomes virtuous by virtuous action, bad by bad action. Brihadāraṇyaka Upanishad 4.4.5
Bad Karmas are the cause of bondage. When the effects of these bad Karmas is experienced, and is exhausted as a result, and thereafter when the mind and body are purified with good Karmas, then that person becomes inclined towards practicing austerities and Yoga. Mahābhārata 3.209.39
Acts of Yajnas, Austerity and Charity must not be forsaken and they must be performed. Yajnas, Austerity and Charity are indeed the purifiers of the wise. Gita 18.5
A modern Hindu teacher also explains,
“Every person, through each thought, word, and deed, is constantly changing and altering the shape of his or her psychophysical system, which the Bhagavad Gita refers to as svabhāva, or inner disposition…Our actions leave behind results that alter our inner disposition – for better or worse.”[68]
10.5.4 Effects of Previous Lives
Whereas modern theories of personality acknowledge the first three factors, they do not include the last fact now being discussed – which is the effect of our previous lives on our personality. Although modern psychology indicates that the child develops his personality only by the age of four, it is seen that each child appears to be born with an inherent nature even before he turns four years of age-
“And yet, why does it appear that children often emerge from the womb with very different and distinct characteristics – characteristics that emerge long before the child is old enough to experience anything that could emerge long before the child is old enough to experience anything that could conceivable shape his or her personality? Additionally, many child psychologists claim that a child’s basic personality is often set by the age of four, but, if so, how exactly are later experiences molding the future personality? If a child is naturally impatient, for instance, being put into a situation in which patience is called for will more likely be perceived as tortuous rather than a growth experience. The child may learn to deal with his impatience in more constructive ways as he or she grows older, but the underlying impatience will still be there – it’s simply under better control. If experiences shape our personality, however, then being forced to wait should eventually result in a more patient persona, yet this is seldom the case. Life experiences may shape our coping mechanisms or even reveal to us things we may need to work on, but they rarely alter a person’s basic nature…”[69]
Modern psychological theories are simply inadequate in explaining why siblings too exhibit great differences in their personality even during their infancy-
“Despite what Western psychology teaches us about the overriding importance of family influence, those of us who have observed young children are immediately stuck by the great differences between one child and another within the same family. Psychologists try to account for this through differences on body, brain or genetic inheritance and then also suggest that the family environment is never quite the same for any two children. However, those who are around children find that the
differences between siblings is often so great that the aforementioned factors, important as they may be, never seem to quite account for the observable facts. Even an infant who has not yet been subjected to much family influence already may show striking differences from the way its brothers and sisters behaved at the same stage of development. The notion that the child may bring its own innate tendencies into its present birth seems to fit the facts more closely, although it certainly runs into the prejudices of most Westerners and is quickly rejected on that account.”[70]
Hindu sacred literature gives the obvious explanation for this – that one’s personality is shaped by actions performed repeatedly in earlier lives-
The physical, mental and verbal abilities of people become apparent in this life due to practice in previous lives, despite being reborn. Vāmana Purāṇa 64.18
The Yogashāstra discusses quite elaborately how the saṃskāras, or the effects of voluntary actions, influence the very species or state (e.g. rich or poor) into which we are reborn. A portion of these saṃskāras also shape our personality in our current life – our likes and dislikes, aptitudes, phobias, philias, innate skills, natural talents and so on. As Swami Vivekananda explains-
“Just as a large number of small waves create a big wave, the effects of Karma accumulate to form tendencies, an aggregation of which in a personality we call character. Man is like a center attracting all the powers of the universe towards himself, fusing them all together and sending out his inner reaction to them as a current – the manifestation of his will, which in common parlance we call his personality or character.”[71]
10.6 Parenthood – A Challenging, Divine Responsibility
Bhagavān has bestowed a very important responsibility on parents to give birth to and raise their children appropriately. The following mantra from the Vedas should be our guideline as parents-
Be a thoughtful human being, and generate the divine race (‘manurbhava janayaa daivyam janam’). Rigveda 10.53.6
It is not an easy task to be a householder and raise children. The story below illustrates how the devotion of parents to their children trumps the Bhakti of a vagabond ascetic-
Story: Who is the greatest Bhakta?
Rishi Narada roamed the Universe chanting the sacred names of Vishnu. Once, he approached Krishna and asked him, “Who do you think is your best devotee?” To his surprise, Krishna did not name him but said, “Let us go to meet him.” They both assumed a disguise and Krishna brought him to the hut of a poor farming family around dusk. The wife was just about to serve their meager meal when she saw the guests. The couple welcomed the guests and gave their own food to the hungry visitors. As their hut was too small to accommodate everyone, the family slept outside, allowing Krishna and Narada to sleep in comfort inside. The parents put their children to sleep after reviewing their school lessons. Next morning, as the visitors prepared to leave, the farmer insisted that they eat breakfast. Then he said, “Please come to my fields and see my crop of mustard seeds.” He proudly took them to his farmland, introduced his bullocks and then gifted them a pot full of mustard oil as a gift before bidding them goodbye.
Narada slyly asked the farmer, “How often do you worship the Lord?” The farmer replied, “My life is very difficult and busy. But when I walk to and return from my friends, and just before I sleep, I thank the Lord mentally for all that He has given to me.” Narada smiled, wondering why Krishna would think of the farmer and his wife as His best devotees. Reading his mind, Krishna asked Narada to place the pot on head and walk for an hour without spilling a drop and also chant the names of the Lord while walking. But within a few minutes, Narada gave up. Krishna looked at Narada and said, “You are a bachelor with no family. Chanting names of Vishnu is not difficult for you because you have nothing else to do. Look at that hard working farmer. He works in his fields, his wife takes care of the household and they provide for the children and the bullocks. And yet, he remembers Me thrice and thanks me even though he has little provisions in his stressful life. Don’t you think that his life is a tougher balancing act that you walking with the pot on your head and chanting Divine names?”
10.7 Guidelines for Raising Children
Hindu scriptures list not only the qualities of an ideal child, but also of ideal parents, as well as of bad parents. Following are some Hindu guidelines that parents can following to be ideal parents-
10.7.1 Perceive Children as Spiritual Beings
My eternal fragment indeed becomes the Jīva in this world of creatures. Gita 15.7
The soul, residing within the heart, is like a lamp with infinite rays. Yājnavalkya Smriti 3.166
Hinduism lays great emphasis on respect for elders, and yet it does not put down or ignore that children too can be profoundly spiritual. Although learning and understanding typically come with age, the positive impressions of one’s virtuous deeds done in previous lives, innocence, practice of celibacy and sometimes even divine interference can bridge the gap of age and transform a youngster into a spiritually and intellectually mature Guru of his elders. This is quite evident from examples of such Gurus who have played a seminal role in the development of Hinduism as it exists today by living as exemplary philosophers, devotees, scholars and yogins.[72]
While Hindu texts lay great emphasis on respect for elders, it is also declared that ‘an assembly is no assembly where there are no elders, those elders are no elders if they do not speak according to Dharma’ (Mahabharata V.35.49ab). Indeed, only after learning the Vedas does a person become respectable, even if he were a child, and grey hair, age and wealth etc., do not necessarily impart eminence to a person[73].
Numerous factors go a long way in enabling Hindus to accept, appreciate and even expect spirituality in children and teenagers - a rich corpus of sacred stories in classical Hindu texts depicting young devotees, or presenting divinity itself as a child or a teenager; the philosophies of rebirth, karma and samskaras that allow the possibility of latent spirituality ‘inherited’ from previous lives and awaken the same; and finally the emphasis on devotion, meditation, scriptural learning and intuitive knowledge in various spiritual traditions of Hinduism.
The Katha Upanishad consists of the instruction of Yama, Lord of Death, to a teenager named Nachiketa who rejected the hypocritical ritualism of his father and chose to travel to the realm of death to learn the truth himself. Another text[74] narrates the story of Satyakāma Jabāla who did not hide that he was the son of an unknown father upon approaching Sage Gautama for spiritual instruction. Jabāla practically risked being rejected by the Sage because one’s lineage was considered an important criterion for getting admission into
renowned schools of learning. The Sage was so impressed with Jabala’s honesty that he immediately performed the upanayana of the boy, who eventually rose to become a celebrated figure in Hinduism.[75]
As parents, we provide only the physical aspect of our children’s personality. We do not give birth to their ātmā. Moreover, each child is born with a mind of his own. There are limits to which his environment, his parents and their upbringing can influence his mind as described in section 10.5.
The mother and father are only the suppliers of the material of the physical body for the jīva to live in. The parents do not have the faintest idea as to how that physical body is made what exactly happens and how it happens in the mother’s womb! The mother herself doesn’t know. So what are we taking credit for? When we start thinking about this matter seriously, then suddenly the notion of that ‘I-ness’ or the ‘sense of doership’ appears to be false. It is a false notion to think that we are taking care of the child. Who took care of the child in the womb? The one, who took care of the child then, will also take care of the troubles later on as well. We seem to have an unnecessary sense of doership – that we are doing something. So from the Vedantic standpoint, let us understand we belong to God. Every jīva also belongs to God. What we are providing is only material for the physical body of that jīva, not the jīva per se. A jīva comes into this world of his or her own to fulfill some kind of destiny here. Every one of us came into this world in the same manner. We have, also come with some kind of capital with us. There is some purpose. It just happens that the members of a family are all in the same house….[76]
It is important therefore that parents must not treat their children as a ‘possession’ an item which they own. Each child is an individual in his own right, and a free human being. And because we do not own the child, who is an independent spiritual entity in his own right, our role is to be a Divine instrument in raising the child ably-
…..understand that each of is an ‘aṃsha’ (part) of the Lord. The real mother and Father of the whole universe is Bhagavān…..My role is that of an instrument. I am not the doer, but I am an instrument of doing. The doer is the Lord….
Slowly, we come to realize that the parents play the role of an instrument. Now, the Lord has given them, a chance to be the mother or father of a given child. But they know that this child belongs to Bhagavān and they also belong to Bhagavān….
….your role is like that of a farmer or a gardener. You do not create the see. You do not create the soil. The potential power is already in the seed. You do not inject anything in the seed. The role of a farmer, an agriculturalist, or a gardener is to prepare the soil properly, then to sow the seeds at the right time and to give them the required amount of water, shade, sunlight – in short, to provide a conducive environment for the seeds to grow. If the seeds have something in them, they will sprout. But if the seeds themselves are roasted ones, or if the soil is not the proper one, or there is too much rain, or too little, then what can the gardener do? So in the first place, the seed must have the potential power to grow into something. Then there are other necessary conducive factors. It is totality of this world that really acts on the seed. Therefore, remember that the karma phala (results of the efforts) does not come because of our karma (action) alone. Our duty is to provide the right atmosphere in a given situation. It the seed has potential in it, it will grow. It you have put all your efforts and the results have not ensued, then you are not to be blamed. Your conscience will be clear that you have done all that you could do. This is true not only with reference to parenting, but with reference to every activity in life.
Now, when the children are born, what is your job? Your job is to give food, clothing, shelter and education. Along with the education we have to give them good culture, namely samskaras also.[77]
How can Parents lay a spiritual foundation of their household?
1. Creating a small altar or Mandir inside the home where family members regularly gather together to worship.
2. Have spiritually minded families as friends, and interact with them on a regular basis.
3. Parents practice virtues like forgiveness, forbearance, humility, gratitude and show love towards each other and their children.
4. Avoid passing negative judgments and comments and instead focus on positive traits in each other’s character.
5. Visit temples or participate in other spiritual and religious activities regularly as a family.
6. Create the feeling that Bhagavān resides within the home, and that He is the true master of the household.
7. Treat children as a Divine gift, deserving affection, care and respect.
10.7.2 Involve Children in Acts of Dharma & Perform their Saṃskāra-s
Swami Chinmayananda and many other Hindu saints have emphasized the need to involve children in different religious ceremonies and celebrations right from a tender age so that the develop an interest in these early on. Their advice is based on Hindu scriptures. Rigveda 8.69.8 urges that parents along with their children should pray to the deity Indra, who is a refuge like a mighty fortress. The scriptural injunction to include children in family and congregational prayers is maintained in later Hindu texts[78] as well as in modern Hindu practice.[79] Our Sages say-
A wise father must keep his children constantly engaged in various virtuous deeds. Children who know the proper way to conduct themselves and are endowed with good qualities are always respected by their families. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 2.10
Story: How Vinoba Bhawe became a great Leader
When Sant Vinoba Bhawe was a little child, his mother told him one morning, “I want you to worship this Tulsi plant in our courtyard every day, and worship it as a symbol of Devi Lakshmi.” Vinoba laughed and said, “A plant is not God. Why should I worship this plant? I think it is a waste of time.” The mother replied, “It is a sacred Hindu tradition that our family has followed for several generations. Therefore, I want you to water and worship the Tulsi plant with faith every day.” To keep his mother happy, Vinoba did as told. His mother taught him and his siblings many other simple activities to be performed daily with Shraddhā. It was a result of her teachings that Vinoba and his siblings all grew up to be great individuals.
One responsibility of good parents is also to perform the rites of passage for their children. Numerous lists are given by different Rishis and Munis. But the following is the list of the sixteen most popular
Samskāras recommended for Hindus who never become mendicants or ascetics:89
A) Pre-Natal and early Childhood Samskāras: These are all performed by the parents for the sake of their child. Therefore, they are often counted under the Grihastha Āshrama Samskāras
1. Garbhadhāna
2. Pumsavana
3. Sīmāntonnayana
B) Childhood Samskāras: These are also performed by the parents and are counted under the
Grihastha Āshrama Samskāras
4. Jātakarma
5. Nāmakarana
6. Nishkramana
7. Annaprāshana
8. Chudākarma or Chaulakarma
9. Karnavedha
10. Vidyārambha
C) Educational: These belong to the Brahmacharya Āshrama
11. Upanayana
12. Vedārambha
13. Keshānta
14. Samāvarttana
D) Grihastha Āshrama Samskāras
15. Vivāha
16. Antyeṣhti
Note that the married couple are responsible for organizing Samskāras 1-11 for their children in the list above. For this reason, many ancient manuals of Samskāras start their list and discussion with the Vivāha (wedding) Samskāra. Typically, parents have a hand in not just the first 11 but the first 15 rites of passage of their children. A discussion of the benefits of parents performing the rites of passage for their children is beyond the scope of the present compilation.
10.7.3 Use Practical Ways for Involving Children in Dharma:
Most Hindu homes have a private shrine accessible to all members of the household, including children. Depending on the religiosity of the family, prayers are conducted by the entire family and children are encouraged to participate in the ritual. In crowded congregational prayers in temples, parents are seen to lift their children above their shoulders so that they can also have a vision (‘darshana’) of the divine icon whose view may be obscured by the intervening crowd. Childless couples often seek divine intervention, and their subsequent progeny are often dedicated to the benevolent deity by naming them after the deity (devatā). Such children are often taught by their parents to remain devoted to the devatā throughout their lives. Another widely prevalent practice is to name one’s children after a devata, which is not merely a constant reminder of divinity to the child, but is also believed to give spiritual merit to parents whenever they call out the name of their child (and the devatā simultaneously). Pilgrimages form an important part of popular Hindu practice and are generally undertaken by the entire family together. Newly born children are often taken on arduous pilgrimage for being blessed by the deity of the shrine.
Hindus celebrate dozens of festivals and there is hardly a month in the whole year when there is no major religious festival. The associated celebrations provide a frequent and attractive opportunity to involve children in the spiritual and religious life of their elders. The entire story of Rāmāyaṇa, for instance, is enacted by volunteers over a period of nine nights preceding the festival of Vijayadashmi in northern India. Many of the roles in the army of Lord Rāma and of the evil (but interesting) characters are often given to child or teenage actors. On the actual day of the festival, huge effigies King Ravaṇa, Kumbakarṇa and Meghanāda are stuffed with firecrackers and set aflame. This spectacle is naturally enjoyed by children, who are then explained how evil doers meet the fate of these effigies. In southern parts of India, dolls are displayed on this day and on other festivals in a very artistic manner with children as enthusiastic participants. The extremely rich corpus of supernatural sacred stories in Hindu texts ensures their easy adaptation to hugely popular contemporary comic book series (such as the Amar Chitra Katha), animated electronic versions[80], and collections of parables meant for children.
10.7.4 Utilize Scriptures or portions of scriptures meant for educating Children
In ancient India, many Hindu scholars especially compiled collections of parables for instruction to youngsters. For instance, the Panchatantra of Vishṇu Sharmā is said to have been written for the benefit of some royal princes who were undisciplined and arrogant. Another similar collection is the Hitopadesha of Nārāyaṇa Paṇdit. In such collections, the characters are typically animals, and as a result, the stories charm children very easily. In our times, these collections have appeared in animated versions in books and DVDs. Sections of the Dharmashāstra sacred texts often deal with the duties and responsibilities of children, especially in their role as students in residence with their Guru. These verses (see Chapter 2 of Manusmriti for instance) ask students to respect their teachers by rising in their presence, offering them seats, not eating in their presence, walking behind them and so on. Students are asked to refrain from using perfumes, intoxicants, ostentatious clothes and so on. Children are asked to serve and respect their elders and parents, obey them and tend to them in their old age and sickness. In the Rāmāyaṇa, there is the story of a devoted son Shravaṇa Kumāra whose parents were blind. Their son carried them in baskets when they expressed a desire to go on a pilgrimage. Modern depictions of Shravaṇa Kumāra often show him as a youthful boy carrying his aged and blind parents in baskets hanging from the two ends of a pole on his shoulder. In the Nārada Purāṇa (Section I, chapter 5), one of the 18 major Purāṇa texts, Sage Markaṇdeya asks Lord Vishnu of the qualities of an ideal worshipper. In one of the verses, Lord Vishnu says that his ideal worshipper serves and respects his father and mother as if they were embodiments of God and the sacred river Ganges. Numerous tales occur in Hindu scriptures exalting children who honor and respect their parents. For instance, in the Shiva Purāṇa, Devi Parvati and Lord Shiva ask their two sons Skanda and Ganesha to compete for a prize by encircling the earth first. While Skanda sets about to circumambulate the world, Ganesha reverentially bows to his parents and encircles them. The outcome of the competition is ruled in Ganesha’s favor. Likewise, in the Hindu epic of Rāmāyaṇa, Rāma is considered an exemplar in obeying and respecting one’s parents even as a child. And of course manuals for teaching Sanskrit grammar and other areas of Hindu scholarship to children have existed for many centuries.
Special needs of Children in Hindu Diaspora: Parents in the ten-million strong Hindu Diaspora face a unique situation because the surrounding environment is alien, non-Hindu.[81] Overall, Hindu parents in the
West tend to stress more on the spiritual aspects of Hindu Dharma, than its cultural, ritual and historical aspects. They adopt several ingenious means to inculcate Hindu values in their children here. Analogies familiar to children are often used. For instance, the Hindu deity ‘Hanuman’ is often compared to ‘Superman’. Parents take their children frequently to India and visit pilgrim centers with them so that the children get a first-hand experience of Hinduism, while visiting grandparents from India or other traditional Hindu societies play a seminal role in transmission of Hindu teachings to the next generation. Parents are often known to buy several volumes of Amar Chitra Katha series for their children. They also purchase videos of Ramayana and Mahabharata--two multi-episode TV serials based on religious Hindu epics, which were telecast throughout India a few years back. Local temple committees conduct special cultural programs during festivals where children play a prominent role. Organizations such as Chinmaya Mission have started schools in various cities of the United States to impart a Hindu-centric education to children. Hindu organizations such as the Hindu Students Council (HSC) and Vishva Hindu Parishad of America (VHP-A) conduct summer camps and other short duration courses for Hindu youth. These camps are conducted by full-time or part time volunteers and are funded by lay Hindus for teaching yoga, basic Hindu values like vegetarianism, Hindu modes of worship, spiritual teachings and parables from Hindu scriptures.
10.7.5 Parents should get involved deeply in the Children’s Upbringing
Parents must not outsource the raising of their children to others, because they are the ones who can have the greatest positive impact on the lives of their progeny. A nanny, or even grandparents typically cannot play this important role as well as parents can. It is the duty of parents, first and foremost, to instruct their children whom they have brought into this world-
A wise father should educate his son in various ways like teaching him good etiquette, help him develop a good character and give him a good education because noble sons bring glory to their family and win the praise of their clan. Chāṇakya Nīti verse 46[82]
Pursuit of wealth and demands of one’s professional work cannot be more important than attending to the needs of one’s children. Children come before work. Whereas profession work is a nine to five job (in most cases, or a bit more or less than that), raising children is a 24x7 responsibility and duty -
Pay attention to your professional work during the day, and reflect on your wealth and means of increasing it during the evening. During the night, think about protecting your assets. But keep an eye on your children’s welfare day and night. Chāṇakya Rājanītisamucchaya 4.5
10.7.6 Both Parents should participate in raising their Children
Hindu scriptures often exalt the mother over the father. The mother is the first teacher of the child, the father is the second and the Guru is the third. A man is said to be well educated only if he has been instructed by his mother, his father and his teacher. Giving an illustration, a Vedic text says-
Shaulvāyana spoke (with wisdom) just as a person who has been taught by his mother, father and teacher speaks. Yajurveda, Shatapatha Brāhmaṇa 14.6.40.2
The credit for a child’s good behavior (and vice versa) goes to both the mother and father-
The mother and father who do not discipline their child are his opponent and enemy. Such an untutored child does not fit into the assembly of learned, just as a heron is a misfit amongst swans. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 2.11
Some people outsource their children’s education completely to the teachers but they forget that the child learns a lot by observing his or her parents, and spends more time with them than with the teachers. Likewise, no one parent can expect the other parent to be completely responsible for their child’s upbringing because it is their joint responsibility.
10.7.7 Pay attention to Children’s Education
The purpose of an education is not just acquiring the ability to earn money but also to become a cultured, wholesome and an informed individual. Even if parents are extremely wealthy, they must nevertheless ensure that their children get a good education because an uneducated and uncultured child is unfit for civic engagement and participation-
That mother is an enemy and that father shows hostility to their child when they do not provide him/her with a good education. This is because in an assembly of learned men, an uneducated person appears as if he were a crow in the midst of swans. Chāṇakya Nīti verse 65 (= Garuda Purāṇa 1.115.80)
A father benefits his son best by preparing him to sit at the forefront of learned councils. Tirukural chapter 7, Kural 67
10.7.8 Ensure they are Productive Citizens and Debt Free
Parents must also ensure that their children are not a burden on them or on the society when they grow up. They must be productive adults who contribute to the society in various ways because the Grihastha stage of life is the one that supports all other classes in the society. Likewise, good parents also do not burden their children with debt that the latter have to pay after their parents die.
That father who ensures that his children get education and settle in a profitable profession, who always gives them good values and who does not leave behind any debt for them to repay – He alone is said to be a loving father. Shukranītisāra 3.253
10.7.9 Respect Children’s Opinions
Children might not be as learned and knowledgeable as adults but they are innocent and pure, and can sometimes offer wisdom that eludes their elders. Therefore, one must not hesitate to accept good teachings of children-
Give good advice to even one’s Guru if he asks you to do a wrong thing. And do not ignore even a little child if he teaches you about doing something good and beneficial. Shukranītisāra 3.115
Paying attention to what the children have to say gives them confidence and makes them feel valued.
Constantly ignoring or suppressing the opinions of children
Story: Shishu Angiras (Kavi Ushanas) teaches the Vedas to his elders
According to Manusmriti, even a child who is knowledgeable in scriptural learning is like a father to his own father, even though he is younger to his father. Manu narrates the story of Kavi Ushanas, who excelled in Vedic learning and taught them the Vedas. Once, Kavi addressed elders old enough to be his grandfathers as ‘children’. The elders got offended, but the Devas defended the child saying that he who is the teacher of the Vedas is like the students’ father, even though that child were their biological progeny of his students. And the Rishis too declared that the greatest among them is he who is more learned, because a man becomes great not by his wealth, age, presence of white hair on his head or by virtue of being related to the powerful.
Rather, he becomes great by studying the sacred scriptures.[83]
An adult who is ignorant is indeed a child and even a child who teaches the Vedas to an adult is the father. The Sages have always addressed an ignorant adult as a ‘child’ and a scripture knowing child as ‘father’. Neither from old age nor through white hair, or even wealth or having powerful relatives does one become great. But he is like our father who is wise in sacred wisdom and practice Dharma ought to be considered as great. Manusmriti 2.153-154
A man is not therefore considered venerable because his head is gray. But him, who though young, has learned the Vedas, the Devas consider to be venerable. Manusmriti 2.156
The story originally occurs in the Vedas-
Shishu (child) Angiras was a master of the Vedas, the Divine Hindu scriptures, at a time when the older Sages had forgotten about them. He addressed his elders as ‘my sons’, thereby making them annoyed. When the gods were asked to arbitrate, they ruled in favor of Angiras, saying that ‘he indeed is the father who is learned.’ Sāmaveda, Tāṇdya Brāhmaṇa 13.3.24
10.7.10 Do not Impose your Ideas on Children, and Do not treat them as an Alter-Ego
In this regard, a modern saint gives the following sagely advice-
There is generally a tendency in every human being to impose his or her own ideas on others. We may not by doing it very consciously or deliberately, but it happens. You may take it as a kind of dictatorship. This tendency of imposing on others is present in every human being in a smaller or a bigger measure. We think we know and that we are right and therefore we want to impose our ideas on the other person.
Sometimes, if we have failed to achieve something in our life, we want to experience and enjoy that achievement indirectly through our children. For example, if I wanted to become a doctor and I could not become one, I want my son or daughter to become a doctor. Sometimes the mother wants the child to become something and the father wants him or her to become something else. Now what can the poor child do?
…..Secondly, we want to fulfill our dreams through our children. For example, some architects have ideas of constructing beautiful buildings. But, they cannot make all the buildings themselves, so they advise their clients to use this or that design for their buildings. This way the architect gets to fulfill their own desires, wishes and plans through other people. Similarly, researchers in the medical field have to experiment upon their patients. There are a variety of similar examples, where it may be necessary to involve others to fulfill a larger dream. So we have to be very careful. We have to see if we are imposing our desires on your children or we are allowing them to grow on their own. Are we trying to fulfill our selfish dreams and ambitions through them? We have to be careful.[84]
10.7.11 Learn from your Children
One of the longest Upanishads, namely the Brihadāraṇyaka Upaniṣhad, has a passage (3.5.1) that seems to exalt some traits of a child while discussing the path of spirituality–
“Therefore, let a Brahmana, after he has done with his learning, desire to live as a child” Brihadāraṇyaka Upaniṣhad 3.5.1
This passage has been the subject of a prolonged discussion in the commentaries on Brahmasūtra 3.4.4750, which clarify that the sacred text does not mean that all wisdom and learning must be shunned in order to attain moksha. Rather, the text means that a learned man must become free of cunning, arrogance, sexual desires and other such negatives if he wishes to progress on the path of spirituality. This is also clarified by another Upanishad-
One should cultivate the characteristics of a child, which are innocence and non-attachment. Yajurveda, Subāla Upanishad 13
It is truly unfortunate that as we grow from childhood to become adults, we tend to acquire some negative traits like prejudice, being judgmental about others, selfishness and so on. Children offer us a living example of how we can coexist with love, straightforwardness and honesty with each other.
Story of Parashar Bhattar and Sarvajna Bhatta: The Hindu tradition honors numerous children and teenagers as our Sages whose teachings are included in our scriptures. One such Sage was Parashar Bhattar, who showed signs of great wisdom even as a child. A renowned scholar named Sarvajna Bhattar was being carried on a palanquin in the town of Srirangam with his students declaring loudly that their teacher knew everything. The five year child Parashar Bhattar stood in the path of the palanquin with a closed fist and asked, “If you know everything, can you tell me the number of grains of sand in my fist?” Sarvajna Bhattar was dumbfounded. The child Parashar said, “It is just a fistful of sand grains. What is the use of knowing how many grains there are? Likewise, what is the use of all your knowledge if you do not know the Lord, who knows everything? You and your students should praising the All-Knowing Lord instead of their human teacher, who cannot possibly know everything.” Sarvajna Bhattar was so impressed with the child that he got off the palanquin, lifted him on his shoulders and asked that he take him to his parents’ home. As Parashar Bhattar grew to an adult, he became a Hindu saint and wrote many books on Dharma.
10.7.12 Do not sermonize Kids – Set an Example for your Children
No one likes to hear sermons. Even the Hindu scriptures intersperse their teachings within numerous sacred parables, stories etc. for illustration and edification. Parents can teach their children better by setting an example through their own conduct rather than merely preaching but not practice what they preach-
“Many a times parents who want their children to be cultured, send them to our cultural classes for children…..The parents say, ‘you go to Bala Vihar (BV), we will watch T.V.!’ So they want culture only for their children and not for themselves!....We have seen many times that parents show a lot of concern for their children. And if we ask them, ‘What do your yourself know about any of the scriptures of culture’? Their answer is, ‘We don’t know anything’. And, they take culture for granted. They think, ‘We don’t need to know anything because we have come from India and it is in every cell of our body, every drop of our blood.’ The fact is that many of the parents themselves do not know anything of their culture.”[85]
10.7.13 Strike a balance between Pampering and Disciplining
Parents, especially the mother, often pamper their children. Children deserve the love of their parents and if the parents are not loving and forgiving, they are not good parents-
That mother alone demonstrates her love to her children who forgives their faults and who takes care of them diligently. But a mother who does not have these qualities and has a bad character, she brings grief to her children. Shukranītisāra 3.252
But a line needs to be drawn by parents as well as teachers between pampering and discipling. When pampering spoils children, it is time for parents and teachers to become strict and start disciplining them-
A teacher who disciplines and scolds his students feeds them (so to speak) ambrosia with his own hands, whereas a teacher who pampers his students feeds them poison (so to speak). This is because scolding and disciplining ensures that students acquire good qualities whereas pampering results in bad qualities of character in them. Students too should accept the scolding of their teachers with happiness, and should fear pampering. But, teachers must not chastise their students out of jealousy or hatred for them. And when they are outwardly rebuking their students, they must nevertheless have love and compassion for the students in their hearts. [The same teaching applies to parents]. Maharshi Patanjali’s Mahābhāshya 8.1.8[86]
Disciplining manifests many good qualities, pampering generates many defects. Therefore, discipline your child and student instead of pampering them. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 2.12
But simply chastising and scolding children for their misbehavior is not a good strategy. Children are very active, inquisitive and in need of constructive work to keep them busy. One option is to keep them engaged in their studies, or take them to places like museums, parks etc.
It is not beneficial to chastise or pamper children excessively. Instead, they should be kept busy by involving them in studies. Shukranītisāra 3.95
10.7.14 Treat Children According to their Age
Children have to be treated differently according to their age. While the little ones can be scolded, it is not fruitful to talk down to teenagers. The general guideline to be followed in treating children of different ages differently is summarized in the verse below:
Raise your son with pampering till his five years old, and then be strict in disciplining him for the next ten years. And when he turns sixteen, treat him as your friend. Chāṇakya Nīti verse 47 The son should be fondled for five years and thrashed for the next ten years; when he reaches the sixteenth year he should be treated like a friend. Garuda Purāṇa 1.114.59 (and Vriddha Chāṇkaya 3.1)
Girls mature faster than boys and therefore the recommendations for treating girls appropriately are a bit different than those for boys-
Do not scold girls after they turn 12 years of age, or boys after they are sixteen as if they were little children. Shukranītisāra 3.163
10.8 Disappointments with Children
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, our children are a disappointment to us. Emperor Bharata, who lived several thousands of years ago, is said to have given the traditional name ‘Bharata’ to the country now known as India. He had nine sons, but none of them were capable or virtuous. He was very disappointed and decided to adopt a son of Rishi Bharadvāja to succeed him as the next king, according to the Mahabharata. Ravana was the son of a Rishi. Even a son of Krishna named Sāmba turned out to be a brat. A single prodigal child can bring great grief and destruction to his parents and the entire family-
Just as a single dried up tree, upon catching fire, leads to the destruction of the entire forest; likewise a single bad child can ruin the prestige of his entire family. Chāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 3.15
In several Hindu traditions, childless parents pray to the Lord, Who then asks them to choose between a long-lived, or several ill-behaved children versus a single, short-lived but saintly child. In these stories, the parents invariably opt for the latter. For example, the parents of Shankaracharya opted for him even though he was destined to live for only sixteen years (subsequently, his age was doubled) and the parents of Rishi Markaṇdeya likewise chose to bear a boy who would live for sixteen years as well. Subsequently, on the day of his destined death, Shiva blessed Markandeya with an eternal life.
It is better to have one excellent child than a hundred foolish children. A host of stars cannot dispel the darkness of the night but a single luminous moon accomplishes that. Hitopadesha 1.17
Very often, conscientious parents blame their own upbringing for the flaws in their children. But as discussed in section 10.5 above, genetics and upbringing (environment) are only two of the several factors that shape one’s personality. To a great extent, we are born with a unique personality and after a certain point, parents who have striven to raise their children to be good human beings but are disappointed must not blame themselves for their children’s follies.
10.9 Pets – the Non-Human Children
In the Hindu tradition, animals have an ātmā that is identical to human ātmā even though the former are not as developed mentally and spiritually as human beings are. We also belief in transmigration – the ability of the ātmā changing its biological species in different life spans. This core belief in general motivates Hindus to be kind and compassionate towards all animals and minimize suffering and pain that we can cause to them. Hinduism does not treat animals in a condescending manner, even while recognizing the fact that humans are endowed with superior intelligence and power. The notion that animals possess a soul just like human beings is considered an obvious truth by Hindus. Hindu scriptures ask us to love animals, and also crave their love. For instance, Atharvaveda 17.1.4 prays - “May I be dear to all animals.”
A text exhorts us to regard animals as if they were our own children-
Deer, camel, donkey, monkey, rats, creeping animals, birds and even flies – one should consider them like one’s own children, and not differentiate between one’s children and these creatures. (i.e., we must love all creatures) Bhāgavata Purana 7.14.9
How Pets help us to repay Karmic Debts: According to popular Hindu belief, people to whom we owe debts are reborn in our lives as our pets so that by serving them, we repay them back. For this reason, it is recommended that we be kind, caring and loving towards our pets.
Unlike human children who are never treated like an owned commodity, pets however are treated as the human owner’s property. Although animals can be sold and purchased, they are living creatures and have a right to life and happiness. Hindu scriptures prescribe atonements and penances for even accidental killing of animals, birds, insects and aquatic creatures (e.g., Manusmriti 11.69, 71). These penances are required to atone for killing not just domesticated creatures, but even for wild creatures (Manusmriti 11.132-142).
Pets can be of the following types-
1. Pets kept solely for pleasure – like dogs, cats etc., in households, who are dependent on their human owner for their food and treatment during illness.
2. Beasts of Burden: Bullocks used for pulling carriages, horses used for riding or pulling chariots, mules used for back riding or carrying loads etc.
3. Agricultural Animals: Bullocks used for tilling/plowing etc.
4. Dairy Animals: Milch cattle and other animals yielding milk like goats, Llamas and so on. Animals reared for meat cannot be regarded as pets by any stretch of imagination. It is forbidden to beat animals cruelly-
He who gets joy in beating non-violent (docile) animals with a stick will never get happiness in the next world. Mahābhārata 13.113.5
One can learn a lot from pets like dogs-
One learns the following six qualities from a dog – Eat fast, remaining satisfied with few possessions, alert even while asleep, work without much expectation of compensation, courage, loyalty to one’s master (or boss). Vriddha Chāṇakya 5.8
The Mahābhārata narrates the story of King Yudhishthira, an embodiment of truth, who is accompanied by a black dog till the very end. When the Deva-s come to welcome the King, he refuses to enter Heaven till his faithful dog is also allowed to accompany him (Mahābhārata 17.3.9-11). The Deva-s are so enthralled by Yudhishthira’s gesture of justice and compassion towards his dog that they declare that there is no equal to him in the entire heaven (Mahābhārata 17.3.20). Several Hindu scriptures contain idyllic description of forest hermitages of Hindu sages where animals gathered to escape from hunters and lived peacefully. The love that man can have for pet animals is depicted in several Hindu scriptures such as the Vishṇu Purana 2.13, which narrates the story of an ascetic Jada Bharata who forsakes his spiritual practices and therefore risks his own salvation so that he could take care of an orphaned fawn who would have died otherwise.
When employing animals to facilitate travel, there are clear recommendations on not using them in a way that causes them injury, pain or which results in their death-
One must not travel with animals that are young, diseased or in some other pain without giving them rest. Nor with animals that are deficient in limbs (or have injured limbs); nor with weak animals; nor with young bulls (or cows); nor with untrained animals. He should not satiate his hunger and thirst without first giving water and grains to his animals Vishnū Dharmasūtra 63.13-18 When travelling, he should not employ animals which are badly trained or which suffer from hunger or disease, or have damaged horns, eyes or hooves, or misshapen tails. Manusmriti 4.67
He should always travel with animals that are well trained and swift, and have good characteristics, color and appearance, without whipping them too hard to drive them. Manusmriti 4.68
Likewise, animals used for agricultural operation must be treated kindly and fed before their owner eats himself-
“People with conviction in Dharma yoke eight (8) bulls to pull their plough, although some might just employ six (6) to be practical. A cruel man yokes only four (4) bulls to plough his field and he who employs just two (2) bulls is guilty of killing a cow.” Atri Samhitā 1.219 (Āpastamba Smriti 1.22 has a similar verse. See also Parāshara Smriti 2.8b-9a)
“A ploughshare drawn by two (2) bulls should be used only for three (3) hours, by four (4) bulls only till mid-day (i.e., for 6 hours), by six bulls for nine (9) hours whereas one drawn by eight (8) can be used for the entire day.” Atri Samhitā 1.220
Milk and milk products form an important part of the diet of Hindus, even if they are vegetarian. Once again, Hindu scriptures prescribe compassionate treatment of dairy cattle. The colostrum of a cow was reserved for the newly born calf. Riding milch cattle was prohibited (Manu Smriti 4.72), and a portion of milk from the cow was first collected specifically to feed the calf, before milk was collected for humans. It is well known that the cow is considered a sacred animal by Hindus. Killing a cow intentionally was a punishable capital offense. Humane and loving treatment of dairy cattle was implied in Hindu teachings contained in the Mahābhārata according to which cattle should be protected from blazing sun by constructing roofed sheds for them, no obstruction should be placed in their path, and they should not be injured in anyway. Some verses in Hindu scriptures also state that a calf must not be disturbed when he is suckling milk, and that if a cow gets stuck in mud, every attempt must be made to extricate it (Parashara Smriti 11.41-42). The intentional killing of a cow in particular is considered a cardinal sin in Hinduism, especially if that cow is pregnant.
Just as Hindu scholars composed texts on human medicine, they also compiled compendiums on veterinary medicine. For e.g., Sage Palakapya wrote the Hastyāyurveda on the treatment of elephants. This work still exists. Five works on Ashvāyurveda (or medicinal texts dealing with treatment of horses) were authored by Hindu scholars, and at least 3 of them still survive. The story below teaches us to see the Divine even in animals, be they domesticated or wild-
Sant Eknath (1533-1599 gives his holy water from Ganga to a donkey: Once, Sant Ekanath was travelling from Varanasi in North India towards Rameshvaram in South India with some water from the Ganga River. It is a Hindu tradition to offer Ganga water to the Shiva-linga at Rameshvaram. On their way, he and his disciples were travelling through an extremely hot and dry part of India. Everyone wanted to quench their thirst but the only water was the Ganga water they were carrying. No one wanted to drink it himself because it was meant for worship at Rameshvaram. Suddenly, Ekanath saw a donkey lying on the ground, dying of thirst. Ekanath was filled with compassion. He immediately took his pitcher of the Ganga water, and poured it into the mouth of the dying donkey. With its thirst quenched, the donkey revived. Shocked at this act, a disciple asked Ekanath, “Guru-ji, we have travelled hundreds of miles with this holy water to perform worship in Rameshvaram. Now where will we get the water of Ganga for our worship of Rameshvaram’s Shiva now?” Ekanath replied, “This is my Rameshvara.” Ekanath demonstrated through his deed that Bhagavān resides even in a donkey, and if we cannot treat animals with compassion, we cannot claim that we love Bhagavān.
10.10 The Single Parent
Raising children is a tough job, even more so when the parent is single due to separation from the married partner due to death, divorce or another unfortunate circumstance. Traditional societies have frowned upon illegitimate children born out of wedlock and Hindu society is no exception. Nevertheless, there are redeeming narratives including the one below that emphasize that one’s eligibility and worth are determined not by his or her lineage but his innate character and fidelity to the truth-
Satyakama wanted to enroll in the prestigious school of Sage Gautama. When the Sage asked him for his father’s name, he went back to his mother Jabala to find out. She said, “In my younger days, I gave birth to you. I really do not know who your father is. So just tell the Sage that you are Satyakama Jabala.” Satyakama went back to Sage Gautama, and even at the risk of being turned away and ridiculed, he said, “I am Satyakama Jabala, the son of my mother Jabala.” The Sage was pleased with him and said, “You have spoken the truth even at the risk of being ridiculed and turned away by me. Therefore, you cannot be anyone but a Brahmana – the son of a learned father.” From Sāmaveda, Chhāndogya Upanishad 4.4-9
Fortunately, the Hindu joint family system, and close social and family ties in the Hindu society ensure that a lot of others provide help to the single parent (especially if he/she is a widower/widow) in raising their children. This help can be financial, education, emotional etc.
10.11 Single Child, Twins, Triplets
There are unique challenges involved in raising an only child who has no siblings. And if his parents were the only child of their parents as well, then he has no cousins as well. In the Hindu culture, cousins are not regarded as distant family members, and they can be even as close as biological siblings. This helps mitigate the loneliness that a single child might face. As stated above, the Hindu tradition warns against the greed for having numerous children in lieu of few or even a single child-
It is better to have one excellent child than a hundred foolish children. A host of stars cannot dispel the darkness of the night but a single luminous moon accomplishes that. Hitopadesha 1.17
Numerous examples of twins are discussed in the Hindu tradition – like the Ashvin Deva-s or Nakula and Sahadeva. The former were Divine physicians and do-gooders, looked alike and were extremely handsome. They were very close to each other and are typically described as traveling together. Nakula and Sahadeva were the children of Mādrī, the wife of king Pāṇdu, and younger half-brothers of the other three Pāṇdava-
s. Although twins, they had different looks and abilities. Another ancient pair of twins recounted in the Vedic literature are the brother and sister pair of Yama and Yami. A dialog between them (Rigveda 10.10) contains the ancient Hindu injunction against incest and marriage between siblings.
Examples of Triplets are not mentioned in the Hindu tradition (to my knowledge) but a set of four highly spiritual males who might be regarded as quadruplets are noted in the Hindu tradition. They are the four ‘mind-born’ sons Sanaka, Sanandana, Sanatkumāra and Sanatsujāta of Brahmā. They decided not to marry and instead initiated many spiritual traditions.
Raising twins, triplets etc., can pose a different challenge for parents who were hoping to give birth to and raise only one child. But again, the close family ties in traditional Hindu societies spreads and mitigates some of these challenges.
10.12 Abortion
Children are regarded as a blessing, a source of joy and a fulfillment of married life in the Hindu tradition. Therefore, abortion was frowned upon and was generally associated with cases where illicit relations had led to a pregnancy. The birth of a child gives an ātmā the chance to inhabit a physical abode and progress towards its own Moksha. Abortion snatches that right from the ātmā. Children also free us from our debt that we owe to our forefathers who brought us into this world and whose ‘Preta-s’ are fed by their descendants, including our own children. For these reasons, the Hindu Dharmashāstra tradition is quite unanimous in listing abortion (‘bhrūṇahatyā’) of one’s fetus as a great evil action. Likewise, one who caused a woman to abort/miscarry her child was also promised a hellish consequence for his heinous deed, and the unborn fetus cursed the one who caused it to die. In the Mahābhārata, Ashvatthāma launches a missile to cause the miscarriage of Uttarā, the widowed wife of Abhimanyu and the daughter-in-law of the Pāṇdava-
s. As a result of his evil deed, Krishna curses him to live in perpetual misery. While abortion kills the fetus, it can also lead to a severe trauma (mental or otherwise) to the mother and the father as well.
Modern Hindu law does not prohibit abortion as such and recognizes some extenuating circumstances where abortion might be preferable: When the conceived child resulted from incest or rape, when the fetus poses a risk to the life of his mother, when the fetus is not viable (i.e., it is expected to die on its own or be born with severe defects) and so on. In ancient times, it was not always possible to determine whether the fetus is viable and defective or not till the baby was actually born and therefore these cases of abortion never happened. Likewise, unlike in modern times, abortion was not seen by Hindus as a means to control human population. There can be no justification for wanton sexual relations between individuals leading to pregnancy and then aborting the fetus in the name of controlling human population.
The debate as to when it is a right period for abortion is unresolved all over the world. Some guidance from the Hindu medical texts might be useful in this regard. According to the Āyurveda texts, life commences immediately after conception, when the soul enveloped by a ‘subtle body’ (that includes mind and subtle forms of sense organs, and impressions of karma of previous lives) enters the fertilized egg.[87] In the third or the fourth month, the embryo actually becomes ‘alive’ but is not an individual yet because its own experiences and feelings are dependent on that of the mother (and vice versa to some extent).[88] The exchange of emotions between the mother and the embryo takes place through the umbilical cord, which is why the texts urge that all the wishes and cravings of a pregnant woman must be fulfilled. In the fifth month, the fetus is endowed with mind, in the sixth with sense of cognition.[89] In short, it is largely in the middle of the second trimester that the fetus is an individual or person in the true sense of the word. This equates roughly to 18-20 weeks. In many societies, abortion is permitted up to this period due to conclusions drawn from medical investigations regarding the birth of human beings and this conclusion is similar to what the Hindu medical texts state or imply.[90]
11.0 Dharma of a Couple – Five Great Daily Worships
The Kalpasūtra and Dharmashāstra scriptures lay great emphasis on the five great daily duties that must be performed as acts of worship by all married householders. The aims of these acts are very lofty and their goal is heaven as well as Moksha, and their avoidance incurs evil Karma (pāpaṃ). All long journeys begin with a small step. These five daily duties ensure that we take constant small steps in the direction of Dharma and Moksha and give moving forward gradually, reaching our goal progressively.
Hindu scriptures say that it is a sin to eat one’s food before serving it lovingly and respectfully to the Devas, to one’s elders, to the ‘atithis’, and to social outcastes and stray animals. The doctrine of Pancha-MahaaYajnas weaves lofty ideals and virtuous actions into our daily routine.
The doctrine of the Pancha Mahayajnas shows that one need not have to be a rich man, or a great person to repay the debt that we owe to everyone around us. We can repay it slowly, in small amounts, by performing these five great daily duties every day, without fail. This is another way of saying that we should do great deeds by doing simple and humble acts of Dharma every day, without fail.
When we discharge our five debts, we become fit for Moksha. If we do not discharge our five debts, we are burdened with the sin of being ungrateful to all those who have benefitted us.
11.1 The Reason for Performing the Five Daily Mahāyajna-s
11.1.1 The Doctrine of Five Debts (Panchariṇa)
We often take the comforts, the prosperity and other facilities that our environment gives to us for granted. We seldom acknowledge the role that our elders, our older generations, our sages and the divine powers have played in the continuous progress of our civilization to its current state. Just as they have done their bit to make our present lives comfortable, so must we too exert ourselves to make this world a better place for our future generations. Hindu scriptures teach the doctrine of ‘Three Debts’ to make us understand the importance of keeping the wheel of life in moving in the right direction.[91] According to this doctrine, all humans are born with three debts.102 Sometimes, the number of debts is increased to four with the addition of ‘manuṣhya-riṇa’ or debt owed to other human beings and finally, a fifth category of ‘bhūtariṇa’ or debt owed to all creatures is added.
1. The first debt (Devariṇa) is owed to God and the Devas, who uphold the natural order – timely rains, change of seasons, flow of rivers and so on.
2. The second debt (Rishiriṇa) is owed to the Sages, Seers and Saints – who were visionaries, are the teachers of humans, the founding fathers of our nations and societies, the revealers of spiritual truths and the authors of our books of knowledge.
3. The third debt (Pitririṇa) is owed to our parents, grandparents and all of our ancestors because they brought us into this world, took care of us when we could not fend for ourselves, and toiled hard to give us a great future.
4. Sometimes, Hindu scriptures say that we are born with a fourth debt (Manuṣhyariṇa)103 or the debt towards our society, because who we are depends a lot on every person and creature we interact with. As they say – “It takes a village to raise a child.”
5. In addition, some scriptures say that we must acknowledge that what we are today is also due to the silent labor and contributions of the plants and animals around us. Even the humans who are disabled have contributed to the society in some way. This is the fifth debt – (Bhūtariṇa)[92] that we must repay. Hindu Dharma says that we must all pay off these debts in our lifetime. As an example, historians say that the reason why Native Americans could not reach the cultural level of Asians and Europeans was because there were no horses, cattle and sheep in the Americas to do farm labor etc. This example illustrates how important animals are to advance and sustain human civilization.
11.1.2 The Five Sources of Unavoidable Evil (Pāpam)
We cause injury and commit violence unintentionally even by performing the bare-minimum activities needed to survive. E.g., agriculture involves the uprooting of weeds, and the killing of worms and other bugs in the cropland. Hindu Dharma says that we should atone for these sins, and also repay the debts that we are born with through the daily performance Pancha-Mahā-Yajnas or the five great daily sacred acts during the householder stage of our lifecycle.
The householder has five slaughter houses (as it were, viz.) the hearth, the grinding stone, the broom, the pestle and mortar, and water-vessel by using which he is bound (with the fetters of evil). Manusmriti 3.68
In order to successively expiate the offences committed by means of all these five, the great Rishis have prescribed for householders the daily performance of the five great Yajnas. Manusmriti 3.69 He who neglects not these five great Yajnas, while he is able to perform them, is not tainted by the evil committed in the five places of slaughter, though he constantly lives in the order of the householders. Manusmriti 3.71
But he who does not feed these five, the Devas, his guests, those whom he is bound to maintain, the ancestors, and himself, lives not, though he breathes. Manusmriti 3.72
Five are the great yajnas that have to be performed every day. They have to be started and completed every day. These are the Deva Yajna, the Pitr-yajna, the bhūta-yajna, manushya-yajna and brahma-yajna. Yajurveda, Taittirīya
Āraṇyaka 2.10.1 (see also
Mādhyandina Shatapatha Brahmana
11.5.6.6-7)
To repay these five debts and atone for the five unavoidable evils, we should perform the ‘Pancha-Mahā-Yajnas’ or the five great daily sacred acts. These five daily acts are:
The Devariṇa is repaid through the performance of Devayajna. The Rishiriṇa is repaid through the performance of Brahmayajna. The Pitririṇa is repaid through the performance of Pitriyajna and by marrying and giving birth to one’s own children so as to keep the wheel of life moving from one generation to the next. The Manushyariṇa is repaid through the performance of Atithiyajna, and the Bhutariṇa[93] through the
Vaishvadevayajna. Avoiding these five acts incurs evil-
The false man is he who does not worship the Devas, Pitars or humans (Atithis). Rigveda, Aitareya
Brāhmaṇa 32.8
He eats sin alone, who cooks only for himself. That alone is considered edible food by the virtuous which is left over after offerings are made in the five mahāyajnas. Vishnu Dharma Sutra 67.43
The person who is ever engrossed in the study of Vedas and who performs the five great daily sacrifices without fail is never tainted by the pāpa resulting from the greatest sins. Yājñavalkya Smriti 3.310
Nakula said to Yudhishthira: King, if you become an ascetic before performing the five daily yajnas, ceremonies for manes and bathing in sacred pilgrim centers, then you will be destroyed just as strong wind shatters clouds. You will fall from this world and the next and will hang in a limbo between them. Mahābhārata 12.12.33-34
The philosophy of the five Mahāyajnas exemplifies the following adages, "It takes a village to raise a child," "No man is an island," and "The world is a web and we are nodes connected to each other." It is wrong for anyone to think that whatever he gets is a result of only his personal effort. A lot of factors go into making our success (or failure). The entire cosmos is like a giant web in which we humans, plants, animals, Devas, other life-forms that we cannot even imagine and even inanimate objects are in different symbiotic relationships at any given time, as if these relationships were a giant web - the Brahmajāla. As humans, it is our duty to pay back to the seen and unseen factors that nourish us - the Divine powers being one of them. It teaches us that we are not doing a favor upon others by performing these five daily acts, we are merely repaying our debts, atoning for unavoidable evils and saving ourselves from the evil that accrues to our Kārmic account.
Living on alms is abominable because such a person is a social parasite. But such a person may yet beg to perform his five daily Mahāyajna-s
It is permissible to accept charity from everywhere for the sake of serving Devas, Atithis, parents, Gurus, wife and other dependents and for the sake of one’s very survival. Yājnavalkya Smriti
1.216
The following story from the Bhāgavata Purāṇa illustrates the importance of performing the Panchamahāyajna-s:
Story: King Prithu Milks Mother Earth
King Prithu was crowned by many Sages to rule the earth. But he found it very difficult to take care of the people in his kingdom. There were famines all the time. Rains did not come on time. All trees and plants were drying up. Cattle did not have anything to eat and were starving. As a result, his people were dying because they had no food to eat.
Prithu became very angry with Mother Earth for causing all this suffering to his people. He thought that earth was hiding all the grains and plants inside her instead of letting them grow on the soil outside. He decided to shoot an
arrow into the heart of earth and break her open so that people could get the food that the earth had hidden in her.
He was about to take aim, when Mother Earth became scared. She took the form of a cow with King Prithu in hot pursuit. The King followed her wherever she went and did not give up. Finally, the cow begged him not to kill her. King Prithu then asked her why she was not yielding any food for his subjects.
Mother Earth replied – “Bhagavān took the form of Brahmā and created plants and food crops so that they can live and also lead a life of good conduct and discipline. But instead, people are just growing food, eating it, and exploiting the natural resources for their physical comforts alone. They have forgotten to thank Bhagavān by performing worship and religious ceremonies. They are not doing their duties of charity and sharing. I was scared that human beings will finish off all the food in the world by just eating it, and not using any part of their food for doing worship and charity. Therefore, I hid whatever food was left inside me.”
Mother earth told him that she would yield food again only if someone worthy brought a calf and a pitcher and start milking her. He must also level the earth and create irrigation systems so that all the rain water does not just get washed into the
ocean.
King Prithu agreed that people had taken the earth for granted and had forgotten her true importance. She had been abused, mistreated and harassed by everyone. He ensured that this will not happen again. So he called the Sages, the Devas etc., and they all milked her in the presence of Indra and other Devatās serving as calves. There was plentiful food and riches on the earth once again, after Mother Earth was ensured that she would be respected and cared for by people who eat the food given by her.
11.2 The Brahmayajna
11.2.1 Traditional Brahmayajna
This religious act involves the daily study of scriptures (and other branches of knowledge) and teaching them to others. This keeps us connected to the collected wisdom of our Sages, and also helps in transmitting it to future generations.
The Devas please the performer of Brahma-yajna with a long life, with tejas (energy), varchas (strength), riches and felicities, fame, the power of Brahman (brahmavarchas) and with food (or goods for enjoyment). Yajurveda, Taittirīya Āraṇyaka 2.10.8
Therefore, as the student prepared to leave studentship and get married, i.e., during the convocation ceremony, the Vedic teacher therefore exhorts his student to continue studying and teaching the scriptures everyday even after they have graduated and have left the school. The Upanishad says that while performing various religious duties and practicing virtues, we must at all times continue svādhyāya and pravachana (teaching to others) –
Righteousness, and study and teaching (are to be practiced). Truth (should be adhered to), and study and teaching (are to be practiced). Austerity, and study and teaching (are to be practiced). Control over senses, and study and teaching (are to be practiced). Control over the mind, and study and teaching (are to be practiced). The Vedic ceremonial fires (are to be kept lit), and learning and teaching (are to be practiced. The Agnihotra or Vedic twilight worship (is to be performed), and study and teaching (are to be practiced). The guests, scholars, and the needy (are to be served), and study and teaching (are to be practiced). Humans (should be served and interacted with appropriately), and study and learning (are to be practiced)…..Yajurveda, Taittiriya Upanishad
1.9
Hindu scriptures themselves equate the study of scriptures to acts of worship, and the fruit of studying and reciting scriptures is said to be considerable. They say that it can even substitute the performance of the Devayajna -
They studied the Riks and thereby offered milk to the Devas. The Devas then manifested. With the study of Yajus, the Rishis made the offerings of clarified butter; with Samans, made an offering of Soma; with the Atharva Angiras, the made the offering of honey. With the study of Brahmanas, Itihāsa, Nārāshaṃsī, Gāthā, Kalpa and Purāṇa, they offered animal fat to the Devas. When the Devas manifested, they destroyed hunger and other evils, and then returned to heaven. By means of this Brahmayajna, the Rishis attained proximity to the Supreme Being. Yajurveda, Taittirīya Āraṇyaka 2.9.2
If a twice born recites the Rigveda daily, he offers milk and honey (so to speak) to the Devas and honey and Ghee to his ancestors. If he studies the Yajurveda daily, he offers Ghee and water to the Devas, and Grains and honey to his ancestors. If he studies the Samaveda daily, he satisfies the Devas with Soma and Ghee, and satisfies his ancestors with honey and Ghee. If he studies the Atharvaveda daily, he offers butter to the Devas and honey and Ghee to the ancestors. He who studies the Vākovākya, Purāṇas, Nārashaṃsi (ballads), Gāthās, Itihāsas and different sciences offers meat, milk, honey and porridge to the ancestors. Satisfied with these offerings, the Devas and ancestors bestow desired fruits to the regular student of the scriptures. He who is ever devoted to the study of scriptures obtains the fruit of whatever yajna (Vedic religious ceremony) he performs, the fruit of donating the entire earth filled with treasures and food thrice, and obtains the fruit of performing numerous austerities. Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.41-48
11.2.2 Modern Applications of Brahmayajna
While the recitation of select passages of the Vedas every day is the best way to repay this debt, some modern alternatives might be considered. The Rishi-s were visionaries, the teachers of humans, the founding fathers of our nations and societies, the seers and revealers of spiritual truths and the authors of our books of knowledge. Where we are today, as a nation, human society and civilization with its laws, conventions, rules, customs etc., are largely a gift of these Rishi-s and thinkers. In modern times, we can also repay their debt through the following means-
1. Avoid wasting time reading useless and immoral literature. Spend as much time as possible every day to read books of Rishis, Sants, Bhaktas. Or even read the writings of visionaries and nationbuilders to draw inspiration from them.
2. Advocate for laws and taxation that promotes education.
3. Volunteer time at schools, read books to school children, help with school projects.
4. Start ‘Sunday schools’ at Mandirs to teach children about Dharma.
5. Make endowments to educational institutions for promoting study and research.
11.3 Devayajna
In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna teaches-
Krishna said:
In ancient times, Prajāpati created humans together with Yajnas and said, “By Yajnas you shall procreate, let this (Yajnas) be the cow that fulfills your desires.” Gita 3.10
By this yajna, you shall sustain the Devas, so that the Devas sustain you. Sustaining one another, you shall obtain the supreme good. Gita 3.11
Sustained by the Yajnas, the Devas will give you the enjoyments that you desire. He who enjoys their gifts without giving to them in return is indeed a thief. Gita 3.12
The righteous, consuming what is left after the Yajnas, are freed from all evil. But the wicked who cook only for themselves indeed eat only evil. Gita 3.13
Elsewhere in the Mahābhārata it is said-
Nakula said to Yudhishthira: The sinless Prajāpati created all creatures with the intent that ‘These will perform my worship by performing yajnas and give different types of priestly fee (dakshiṇā).’
Mahābhārata 12.12.20
Nakula said to Yudhishthira: To enable the performance of yajnas, Prajāpati created different types of creepers and climbers, trees, herbs (and grains), sacrificial animals and other objects suitable as oblations in the altar. Mahābhārata 12.12.21
Nakula said to Yudhishthira: These acts (yajnas) circumscribe householders within certain limits (of Dharma). Therefore in this world, the Dharma of a householder is the most difficult to perform, and to become eligible for. Mahābhārata 12.12.22
Nakula said to Yudhishthira: The householder who does not perform yajnas despite being rich and having abundant grains and animals perpetually falls into an evil state. Mahābhārata 12.12.23
11.3.1 Traditional Devayajna
The Devayajna involves performing daily worship to Devas and to God. This enables us to stay connected with the Divine at all times, and keeps the tradition of religious ceremonies alive. Offerings are made to them in the fire altar and the Agni Deva, as their messenger, conveys the same to the Deva-s in their subtle form. This ceremony is called the Agnihotra. A Mantra chanted while doing daily Agnihotra is-
Asceticism, strength, reverence, shame, truth, wrath, forbearance, munificence, constancy, piety, resolution, voice, mind, Atman, Brahman – in these I take refuge, may these help me. Bhūh, Bhuvah,
Svar, Om. In that great Atman I take my refuge. Sāmaveda, Chhāndogya Mantra-Brahmana
2.4.5
As stated above, not performing the daily Agnihotra begets evil Karma-
He who eats without offering oblations (to devatas), eats worms (so to speak). He who eats before feeding others, eats poison (so to speak). Vādhūla Smriti 76
Some feed on food, and some become the food of food. They alone are not eaten by food who offer a portion daily to Devas etc. Daksha Smriti 2.53
The householder whose nature is to share his possessions, to forgive and show compassion and who is devoted to the Devas and to atithis – such a householder is termed as Dharmic (virtuous). Daksha Smriti 2.54
Satiated with the daily worship, the Deva-s keep the natural processes moving and send down rain etc., so that human beings can continue to survive, prosper and flourish-
An oblation duly thrown into the fire, reaches the sun; from the sun comes rain, from rain food, therefrom the living creatures derive their subsistence. Manusmriti 3.76
In addition to the daily Agnihotra, there are periodic domestic Yajnas that are also prescribed but a detailed description of them is beyond the scope of the present compilation.
11.3.2 Modern Application of Devayajna
The Vedic Yajna ceremony is performed only rarely by most Hindus but several substitute practices have evolved in lieu. In modern times, we can perform the Devayajna in alternate ways, some of which are listed below:
1. Perform a Pūjā every day preferably with family members.
2. Perform Yajnas on important occasions like housewarming, weddings, births, major festivals if they cannot be performed more regularly (e.g. weekly).
3. Use whatever time is available to remember Bhagavan or one’s Ishta-Devatā instead of listening to movie songs. E.g. while driving to work, cooking etc.
4. Chant names of Bhagavan (Japa) while doing repetitive work like chopping vegetables.
11.4 The Pitriyajna
In Taittirīya Upanishad, it is said that when the students are graduating from their college, their teacher gives them the following parting message:
May you be one for whom his mother is a Deva. May you be one for whom his father is a Deva. May you be one for whom a guest is a Deva. May you be one for whom his teacher is a Deva. Yajurveda, Taittirīya Upanishad 1.11
The idea is that we should respect, serve and worship our parents, guests (this category includes the poor and needy people too) as well as our teachers even before we worship Bhagavān. This is a very unique teaching of the Hindu tradition. The western religions always place God before parents. Note that in the Hindu tradition, the mother is listed first, because she is the most respectable of all, more than even the father.
11.4.1 Traditional Pitriyajna for Departed Forefathers
The ritualistic portion of this Yajna involves performing a Yajna to satiate the departed forefathers every day.
Let a householder perform a daily yajna with food, with water and also with milk, root (tuberous edibles) and fruit and thereby please the departed forefathers. Manusmriti 3.82
Periodically, we should also remember our departed ancestors by performing shraddha yajna ceremonies and worship in their honor and giving charity with the hope that they are nourished in whichever state their departed souls are. In these ceremonies, performed typically once a year during a specific period of the calendar, Brahmanas and various creatures are fed. This debt is similar to the contract between generations, or the ‘Social Security’ system in the United States. The Social Security taxes we pay as working adults today serve the needs of our elders who are retired from professional lives. Likewise, it is expected that when we grow old and cannot fend for ourselves, the taxes that our children and grandchildren pay will take care of our needs. Similarly, we perform the Shrāddha ceremonies for elders in three generations before us who have passed away. The technical details on performing these ceremonies are beyond the scope of this compilation. Most Hindus in modern times will perform the shrāddha for a few days after the cremation of their departed loved ones, at the first anniversary (per the lunar calendar) and rarely during the annual period for performing shraddha-s. Hardly anyone makes the daily offering to forefathers today,
11.4.2 The Hindu Teachings on Respecting Living Elders
The Pitriyajna also involves serving our living elders with food, drink, clothing, shelter and respecting them.
The purpose behind it is quite obvious-
No person can repay his parents even in 100 years for all the troubles that they go through to give birth to him and raise him to adulthood. Therefore, always try to do whatever pleases your parents and your teacher, because only then does any religious worship done by you will bear any fruit. Manusmriti 2.228
So great is the merit of serving one’s living elders that it is superior to performing all other acts of Dharma-
Serving one’s mother, father and teacher fulfills all the duties that one has. Their service is indeed one’s most excellent Dharma. All other duties are minor in comparison. Manusmriti 2.237 The father, mother, teacher, elder brother and one's provider- these five are considered as one's superiors. Kūrma Purāņa 2.12.32
He who desires prosperity should revere these superiors at all times by all means, even if one loses his life. Kūrma Purāņa 2.12.33
The son who pleases his parents by his good qualities acquires the fruit of all virtues by doing so. Kūrma Purāṇa 2.12.35
No god can equal the mother, and no superior can equal one's father. Hence, no son can get relieved of the debt he owes to them. Kūrma Purāṇa 2.12.36
With the exception of deeds that result in Moksha and one's religious rites- both optional and obligatory, service to one's parents is the only essence of Dharma and it leads one to Salvation upon death. Kūrma Purāṇa 2.12.38
Conversely, he who does not respect his elders and does not take care of them incurs great evil Karma-
He who serves his parents and teachers truly respects all the teachings of the scriptures. And the person who disrespects them will never get the fruit of any worship. Manusmriti 2.234
In some passages, the Divine Lord commands humans to honor and serve their parents-
Bhagavān Vishnu said to Rishi Markandeya- “They who serve their parents, thinking of their father as the Lord of the Universe, and Mother as the holy River Ganga – they indeed are My best Bhaktas.” Nārada Purāņa 1.5.53
In his various Avatāras, Bhagavān has Himself set an example for us on how we should respect our teachers and our parents. Queen Kaikeyi indulged in a political intrigue to get her stepson Rama exiled from Ayodhya for fourteen years, just the night before he was to be coronated as the crown prince. Earlier, she had adored Rama even more than her own son. But under the influence of her maid, she now asked for her own son Bharata to be declared as the crown prince. Before Rama left for the forest, he came to offer his respects to his step mother, without a shred of anger or hatred towards her. When Bharata learned of his mother’s deed, he lost his temper for her out of his righteousness, but restrained himself thinking that Rama would never forgive disrespect to his step mother. After fourteen years, when Rama returned to Ayodhya, he first went to meet Kaikeyi and fell at her feet for her blessings. Our elders may not be infallible, but we must never treat them with indignity, and forgive their trespasses in consideration of their age and prior love for us.
Therefore, it is a child’s foremost duty to serve his parents-
As long as his parents do not become ascetics and renounce the world, the son should be devoted to them and make this his first priority. Kūrma Purāņa 2.12.34
The hallowed story from the Hindu tradition below illustrates well how the Lord wants us to serve our parents before caring for Him-
Story: The Devotion of Pundalik towards his Parents create a Sacred Place
Pundalik was initially unmindful of the needs of his elderly parents but he had a change of heart. He brought them home and started taking good care of them. Krishna said to his wife Rukmini- “A wonderful transformation has come to Pundalik. Let us go and visit him.” When Krishna knocked at the open door of Pundalik’s house, he said, “Please wait till I put my parents to sleep.” As Krishna patiently waited with his arms akimbo, Pundalik’s home was filled with a light due to Krishna’s Divine presence. Pundalik turned and asked for His forgiveness. But Krishna blessed him saying, “When you serve your elders, you truly worship Me. I will always stay with you.” Krishna’s presence transformed into a sacred image, which is worshipped as Vitthala in Pandharpur. And when Pundalik died, his ashes were buried and became a shrine that is visited today.
After the Mahabharata civil war, the Pandavas lovingly took in under their care Uncle Dhritrashtra and Aunt Gandhari, even though their own dead sons were the cause of the catastrophe. One day, after three decades of looking after them lovingly, Pandava brother Bheema, in a moment of weakness, said – ‘Had you restrained your sons, there would have been no war. You are to blame for your own miseries.” The words hurt the heart of the old couple and they resolved to leave the care of their nephews and go to the forest.
11.4.3 How to Honor our Elders?
Honor can be shown to our elders in various ways-
Let him respectfully greet his elders and give them his own seat. He should sit near them with his hands joined in reverence and follow behind them when they go. Manusmriti 4.154
One has three supreme elders – mother, father and teacher. He must always serve them obediently and do whatever they ask. He must do what is pleasing and beneficial to them. He must not carry out anything without their permission. Vishnu Dharmasūtra 31.1-6
Whenever an elderly person visits you, bow to them offer them a seat and then offer service to them with folded hands. And when they are leaving, follow them to a short distance to see them off. Mahābhārata 13.104.65b-66a
Sometimes, in our old age, we lose control over our verbal, physical and mental activities. Rather than making fun of our incapacitated elders, we should treat them with love and compassion and not broadcast their age related infirmities to others. Furthermore, due to a loss of judgment, they might commit some mistakes. We should forgive them even more easily than we forgive those who are not elderly-
We should not judge the actions of the elderly. Let them say and do what they wish. Why do we need to describe them to others. Uttararāmacharita of Bhavabhūti 5.34
In summary, following are the some of the many rules of etiquette[94] that we Hindus follow for honoring and serving our parents, elders and seniors at workplace.
1. We never address our parents by their names.
2. We never shout at them, even when we have an argument with them. We try not to talk back to them.
3. We never sit with our feet facing them. If we sit on a chair with our legs crossed, the foot on the top should face away from them.
4. We serve them food before filling our own plate.
5. When there are insufficient chairs in a room, we give the seat to them and stand ourselves.
6. We greet our parents with respect in the morning, and before going to bed.
7. We try to fulfill their requests and wishes to the best possible extent.
8. We do not smoke or drink in their presence (and better, not even in their absence).
9. We obey their wishes cheerfully and act on them.
10. Seek their advice on important matters of one’s life. We defer to their opinion because they are wiser and more knowledgeable, if we are not sure of our own judgment and wisdom.
11. When they become old and sick, take care of them.
12. Have them preside over all important ceremonies and functions of the family and self-owned business.
13. On occasions like weddings, invitation cards should be sent out in their names.
14. Respect seniority of employees at work. Value their experience.
15. Pay your social security tax (in the US) sincerely. Advocate for legal bills that protect the rights of the elderly.
11.4.4 Old Age Homes and Shelters
In traditional Hindu homes, elderly parents live with their children and grandchildren (or in their close proximity) till their very end. As a result, they pass their last days happily, playing with their grand-children, and being served lovingly by their children whom they had raised with great effort and pain in their own younger years. In modern times however, many young couples do not want to take care of their old parents.
The excuse of these young couples is that they do not have enough money to take care of their kids as well as their own parents. Sometimes, both the husband and wife are working and therefore they arrange to have their aged parents housed at an old age home where a full-time staff takes care of them. Unfortunately, some people do not want to have their elderly parents around because they do not want to see them or do not want their own little kids to see them suffering of illness of old age.
In old age, people like to live in a fixed location and are not very comfortable moving around. Unfortunately, modern life has become very mobile. Job changes force us to move from one town to another. In many cases, we do not change our job, but it is the job itself that moves to another city because the employer decided to move their plant or office to the new location. Moving with elderly parents to
following a new job to a new location can be traumatic for both the couple and also their elderly parents who are staying with them. And yet, it is not right to just leave behind one’s aged parents and live thousands of miles away from them.
A major benefit of elderly parents staying at an old age home is the availability of professional medical care staff to look after them round the clock. On the flip side, parents often feel lonely there and sometimes these facilities are not managed very properly.
11.5 The Atithiyajna or Manuṣhyayajna
This daily act of worship involves serving, honoring and giving charity to ‘atithis’ or scholars, ascetics, passing strangers, sick persons and any other needy persons who arrive at our doorstep without notice. One should also go out searching for these beneficiaries even if they do not land at our doorstep. In modern times, this could take the form of making regular donations to charitable organizations such as orphanages.
One must provide nourishment to an Atithi who is hungry and thirsty, even if he comes in the evening (after the family has already eaten its own food). Do not leave the Atithi hungry or fasting. Rigveda, Aitareya Brāhmaṇa 25.5
The scriptures promise that he who shares his food, dwelling and other possessions with the Atithi with respect and love attains great rewards in this life and hereafter including heaven-
Let the householder not eat any delicious food which he does not offer to his guest; the hospitable reception of guests procures wealth, fame, long life, and heavenly bliss. Manusmriti 3.106 If an atithi arriving at the appropriate time, and a knower of the Vedas are honored in one’s house, then that householder goes to heaven, otherwise he goes to Hell. Vyāsa Smriti 3.39
By washing the feet of his atithi, giving him due honor and by smearing his body with sandal paste etc., the householder reaches Heaven even more easily than by performing yajnas. Vyāsa Smriti 3.39
Conversely, the householder who does not serve and honor his Atithi-s accrues demerit or bad Karma- Evil Karma for Non Performance of Atithīyajna-
He who prepares food for himself alone eats nothing but sin; for it is ordained that the food which remains after the performance of the sacrifices shall be the meal of virtuous men. Manusmriti 3.118 That atithi who arrives at one’s home with expectation, but is turned away disappointed, takes the religious merit of the householder to whose house he had come, and leaves behind for him his own tainting evil deeds. Vishnu Dharmasūtra 67.33
The man who lacks insight (into Dharma) and therefore eats himself without first offering food to (atithis, pregnant women, unmarried women, newly married daughters in law, sick etc.) does not realize that one day, he might be devoured himself by dogs and vultures. Vishnu Dharmasūtra
67.40, Manusmriti 3.115
Even today, traditional Hindus feel obligated to offer at least sometime (even water) to a guest who arrives at their home even of for a short time. Sometimes, especially during the summer months, the poorest of hosts will lovingly add a few sugar crystals, or offer some jaggery to eat alone with water, consistent with their own financial means, but will not allow the guest to leave without having drunk and eaten something.
Feeding the Atithi-s is more meritorious than performing elaborate and expensive Vedic worship alone, which is futile if one does not take care of his respected guests-
It is futile for a householder to conduct a Vedic sacrifice even with 100 vessels of Ghee, and 100 measures of sacrificial wood if Atithi-s leave their home disappointed (because the host has not served them). Parāshara Smriti 1.46
In the Hindu tradition, it is a duty to serve one’s guest even if he were to be one’s enemy-
Whether one’s beloved or an enemy, a fool or a learned man – one goes to Heaven by serving these
Atithis if they show up even at the end of the Balivaishvadeva. Parāshara Smriti 1.40
11.5.1 Traditional Atithiyajna
The Atithiyajna is performed after the Bali Vaishvadeva Yajna has been performed, both times the meal has been prepared (lunch and dinner), in the morning and the evening. However, the very word ‘Atithi’ means ‘he who does not have a fixed moment of arrival’, and therefore, one may offer food, water etc., to the Atithi whenever he arrives at one’s doorstep, or whenever one can find an Atithi to serve-
Having performed this Bali Vaishvadeva offering, he shall first feed his Atithi and, according to the correct procedure, give alms to an ascetic (and) to a student. Manusmriti 3.94
A guest who seeks shelter due to the setting sun in the evening, must not be driven away by a householder; whether he have come at dinner time or at an inappropriate moment, the Atithi must not be housed in the house without pleasant service by the host. Manusmriti 3.105
After feeding the animals, the householder should sit at the entrance of his house with a pure mind for about 48 minutes (= 2 ghatis), waiting for the arrival of an atithi, and eat his own meal. Vyāsa Smriti 3.37
If he sees a traveler who has come from a great distance, who is tired, who desirous of eating food or who is poor, he should go towards him and bring him home with great respect. Vyāsa Smriti 3.38
Whether an atithi arrives in the morning or in the evening, the host should offer him a seat and water, as well as food to the best of his ability after paying him customary respect. Vishnu Dharmasūtra
67.45
The Atithi is not a nuisance or an intrusion in one’s life. He must be received with respect and offered food, water, a seat, pleasantries etc., when he arrives-
When an Atithi shows up, he should be invited with respect and offered a seat. The host should also worship the Atithi by washing his feet. Parāshara Smriti 1.43
The host should offer food to the Atithi, engage him in conversation by asking polite questions. And when the Atithi is ready to leave, the host should follow him to some distance and send him off with love. Parāshara Smriti 1.44
11.5.2 What should be offered to the Atithi-s
The host should receive the Atithi with respect and great him with pleasant words. Then, he should make him comfortable on a seat, offer him food and water. If the Atithi needs a place to stay beyond the meal, then whatever the host’s accommodation allows (like a guest room) should be prepared and offered. When
the Atithi leaves, the host must greet him and walk him off for a short distance-
Grass (for making a comfortable seat on the floor), room (for resting), water, and fourthly a kind word; these things never fail in the houses of good men. Manusmriti 3.101
Let him offer to his guests seats, rooms, beds, attendance on departure and honor (while they stay), to the most distinguished in the best form, to the lower in a lower form, to equals in an equal manner. Manusmriti 3.107
Let him reverentially salute venerable men who visit him, give them his own seat, let him sit near them with joined hands and, when they leave, accompany them, walking behind them. Manusmriti 4.154
Whether an atithi arrives in the morning or in the evening, the host should offer him a seat and water, as well as food to the best of his ability after paying him customary respect. Vishnu Dharmasūtra
67.45
11.5.3 Who is an Atithi and who is Not
The category of ‘Atithi’ includes learned Brahmanas, students, ascetics, tired and unknown travelers and other strangers, needy, poor and so on-
A tired traveler coming from a great distance who has never visited one’s home before and who shows up at the time of the Balivaishvadeva is considered an Atithi. Parāshara Smriti 1.41 A Brahmana who stays only one night is declared to be a guest (atithi); because he stays (sthita) not long (anityam), he is called atithi (a guest). Manusmriti 3.102
But one’s acquaintances, friends, close relatives or those in one’s own community are not considered as
Atithi-s. Nor are they who talk sweet to subsist on the hospitality of others-
One should not treat a resident of one’s own village as an Atithi, because an Atithi is called so by virtue of the fact that the host has never met him before. Parāshara Smriti 1.42
One must not consider as a guest a Brahmana who dwells in the same village, nor one who seeks his livelihood by social intercourse, even though he has come to a house where (there is) a wife, and where sacred fires are kept. Manusmriti 3.103
One’s dependents and those inferior to oneself in rank are also not regarded as Atithi-s.
11.5.4 General Hospitality towards non-Atithis
Despite the restricted membership of the category of ‘Atithi’, there are many others who are served, honored, fed etc., on par with the Atithi-s. In general hospitality should be extended to everyone, especially to those who are dependent on us-
Even to others, personal friends and so forth who have come to his house out of affection, he may give food, garnished (with seasoning) according to his ability; at the same time with his wife. Manusmriti 3.113
During the third part of the day, let one deliberate upon wealth and the welfare of ‘those who ought to be taken care of’. Daksha Smriti 2.32b
Mother, father, teacher, wife, children, poor, dependents, one who has fallen upon difficult times, an atithi and the sacred fire – these constitute the category of ‘those who ought to be taken care of’.
Daksha Smriti 2.33
One’s clan, companions, disabled or injured, orphans, dependents and other poor, these are also included in this category. Daksha Smriti 2.34
They who feed others attain heaven. They who eat alone accrue evil Karma and even go to hell-
The householder should cook for all creatures and feed learned scholars. Not doing so causes him to go to Hell. Daksha Smriti 2.35
By looking after the people in this category, one goes to Heavens; and by causing hurt to them, one goes to Hell. Daksha Smriti 2.36
11.5.5 Order of Feeding and Serving
Before even the Atithi is fed, the following must be provided food for obvious reasons-
A newly married bride, infants, the sick, and a pregnant woman – these should be fed without hesitation even before the atithis are fed. Manusmriti 3.144, Vishnu Dharma Sutra 67.39 A householder who eats while pregnant women, sick persons, servants, children and elders in his home are still hungry begets great sin. Vyāsa Smriti 3.45
The householder should eat himself only after he has fed married women, unmarried women, children and elders in his home. Hārita Smriti 3.64
Amongst the Atithi-s, those who are more respectable and learned are fed first. Thereafter, friends, kinsmen and servants are fed. And only after all these have eaten, the householder should eat the remnants with a cheerful mind and without complaining that all these ate a lot of food at their home not leaving much for them-
After feeding the Brahmanas (and members of other Varnas who have come as guests), his friends and relatives and also their servants, the married couple should then eat the remnants of food left themselves. Manusmriti 4.116, Vishnu Dharmasūtra 67.41
Having honored the Devas, the Rishis, men, the ancestors, and the guardian Devas of the house, the householder shall eat afterwards what remains. Manusmriti 3.117
It is the duty of the householder to divide his food amongst others, and thereafter alone eat his share with a cheerful disposition. Daksha Smriti 2.56
11.5.6 The Good & Bad Host and Guests
To gage the relative social standing and importance of the Atithi, the host must not first enquire about his lineage, accomplishments and education because all the Atithi-s must be served and fed-
Do not ask an Atithi what his lineage is, what virtuous deeds he has done, how regular is his study of scriptures or how many and which scriptures he has studied. Rather, the host should think of the Atithi as a Deva in his heart irrespective of his lineage etc., because the Atithi is indeed the embodiment of all Devas. Parāshara Smriti 1.48
Only after the Atithi is fed that he might be asked all the above questions-
A guest should be served before he is asked of his status etc. Hārita Smriti 3.27b
Likewise, a noble Atithi comes as a guest only when he is in need. He does not take advantage of the generosity of the host to become a parasite or a pile on-
The worthy recipient who does not take gifts from the donor even when offered (i.e., he is not greedy) attains the same good realms that the donor attains. Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.213
Those who covet the free food and shelter offered by others rather than eat the fruit of their own labor and knowledge become like beasts of burden of their hosts, in the next life (so to speak)-
Those foolish householders who constantly seek to live on the food of others, become, in consequence of that baseness, after death, the cattle of those who give them food. Manusmriti 3.104
The following teaching of Bhagavān Krishna summarizes the general philosophy behind Atithiyajna-
Shri Krishna said to King Yudhishthira: “One who wishes his own well-being in this life and in the life after death should offer food to all those who are hungry. Give food at the right time, at the right time, to the right person and to the limits of one’s capacity even if it causes some inconvenience to one’s own family. Finding an elder, a child, a tired and hungry traveler or a respectable visitor at his door, the householder should invite him and feed him with hospitality, grace, respect and joy. Do not judge a person from his learning or lineage if he shows up at your door. Feed with reverence anyone who comes hungry to your home, be he an outcaste or an uncivilized person who eats dogmeat. He who shuts the door to a hungry visitor and enjoys food alone will find that the doors of heaven will be shut upon him. The giver of food is the giver of life. To desire your good, give food, give food, give food.” Mahabharata, Anushāsana Parva (Vaishnavadharma in the Southern Recension).
11.5.7 Modern Ways of Repaying Atithirina through Atithiyajna
1. Offer gifts to teachers and honor them even after you graduate. Keep in touch with them. Make donations and endowments to educational institutions.
2. Help the poor, create or offer jobs to them.
3. Feed the hungry around you or in other areas, visitors or travelers who might be strangers to you.
4. Donate to or volunteer at orphanages, shelter homes, widow homes. 5. Parable: Guru Nanak Serves a Guest
11.5.8 Anecdotes from Hindu Tradition on Serving Guests
Below are some instructive episodes that illustrate the principle of serving our guests from the Hindu tradition.
Respecting Everyone and Helping Out: King Yudhishthira organized a ceremony to crown himself as the Emperor of India. Invitations were sent to all the kings of India to attend the ceremony and they were asked to come with presents for Yudhishthira. Lord Krishna, who was the King of faraway Dwaraka in western India also came. Everyone wanted to help organizing the grand function. Lord Krishna also requested that he too should be given some tasks to complete. However, as He had come from a long distance and was the last one to arrive, the only duty that He could get was cleaning the kitchen after the feast was over. Everyone requested Lord Krishna not to worry about doing this dirty job. They said that servants could take care of cleaning the kitchen. However, Lord Krishna insisted that He too wanted to help and would be pleased to do this dirty job.
According to tradition, all the guests had to select a chief guest among them. Everyone thought that Lord Krishna was the greatest of all those who were in the function. Therefore He was appointed as the chief guest for the entire ceremony. The Rishis decided that the Yajna will be deemed completed successfully if the Pāñchajanya conch shell belonging to Arjuna would sound on its own at the conclusion of the ceremonies. When that did not happen, the Pandava brothers were disappointed. They started investigating the cause of why the Yajna was unsuccessful. They learned that a Shudra citizen of their kingdom had not attended the Yajna, and had stayed in his home because he had not been invited respectfully. Krishna addressed the Pandavas and said, “All human beings deserve to be treated with respect. No one should be insulted due to his social status.” Therefore, the Pandava brothers and Draupadi went personally to the Shudra’s home and invited him with great respect to attend the venue of the Yajna. As soon as the Shudra entered the Yajna venue, the conch shell started blaring loudly, indicating that the Yajna had concluded successfully.
After the program was over and Yudhishthira had been crowned as the Indian emperor, everyone decided to take some rest. However, Lord Krishna, the chief guest, was nowhere to be found. When people went out to look for him, they found Him in the main hall, where He was picking up dirty dishes and carrying them to the kitchen for cleaning. Everyone was very moved to see how Lord Krishna kept His word. Even though Krishna was the chief guest and is the greatest of all, He performed His duty very humbly. Most people would have thought that picking dirty dishes and clean them was a lowly task which only humble servants should perform. But our Bhagavān Krishna clearly thought the opposite. He showed the way to be an ideal host as well as an ideal guest.
Vidura’s Humble Food Offering to the Lord: In the Mahabharata, Krishna takes a peace proposal from the Pandavas to the Kauravas and convince the latter to be fair to the Pāṇdavas. When the Kauravas heard that Krishna is coming to Hastinapura, they sent a message to him requesting him to stay in their palace. They also invited him to eat his lunch and dinner cooked in their royal kitchen. The Kauravas thought that since they are powerful and rich, Krishna might get impressed by their royalty and power. He might then agree to a deal that benefits only the Kauravas and does not get the Pāṇdavas anything. But Krishna told the Kauravas – “We should eat food at someone else’s place only when we are in trouble or when they call us with love or respect. I am not in trouble, and you do not love me or respect me. So I cannot come.” When Krishna arrived at Hastinapura, he first went to see his aunt and mother of Pāṇdavas, Queen Kunti who loved and respected Krishna a lot. Then, he went to the home of Vidura, the step Uncle of both the Kauravas and Pāṇdavas. Vidura was the son of a maidservant and lived humbly and ate very simple food comprised of fruit and vegetables. But he was famous for being very wise and knowledgeable, and was very fair and honest. Krishna requested Vidura for food and ate whatever simple food comprising of a gourd and spinach that he was offered. This story shows that we ought to choose our hosts not on the basis of their fame or opulence but depending on whether they have love and respect for us of not.
Guru Nanak serves his own Disciple
Towards the last years of his life, Guru Nanak settled down in a place called Kartarpur (today in Pakistan, across the Ravi river from the border of the Gurdaspur district in India), where a devotee gave him and his disciples some land.
Guru Nanak tilled and cultivated his own plot because he believed in earning his bread through his own labor, even though he headed a religious community.
Lehna from Khadur, a small village close to the city of Amritsar, had once heard some verses of Guru Nanak being recited. He was very impressed and moved by the profundity of the hymns. Desiring to have a darshana of Guru Nanak, he arrived at Kartarpur. While searching for Guru Nanak, he encountered an elderly man working in a field.
Approaching the latter, Lehna asked him if he knew the whereabouts of Guru Nanak. The farmer replied, “Let me finish my work in this mustard field, and I will take you there myself.” Lehna asked the farmer, “Do you know if he meets visitors who are strangers? What does he look like? Does he live quite far from here?” The farmer smiled and responded to all the
questions. When the farmer finished his work, he asked Lehna to mount his horse as he must have been tired walking a long distance from Khadur. Then, the farmer pulled the horse gently by its reins and walked them to the house of Guru Nanak.
Lehna entered the house and was ushered in to the room of Guru Nanak by his disciples gathered outside. When he entered the room, he was shocked to see that the farmer who had lead him to the house now sat on the Guru’s seat! Lehna felt very bad and he apologized to the Guru, “Gurudev, I did not realize that it was you doing the farming work in the field. I should not have let you walk while I myself came here on your horse.” Guru Nanak smiled and said, “You do not have to feel sorry for anything. You are my guest, and it was my duty to take care of you.”
Lehna had tears in his eyes and he asked for forgiveness multiple times. He asked Guru for permission to stay with him, so that he can serve him. Guru Nanak could see that Lehna had the spark of spirituality in him, and so he obliged. After a few years, Lehna succeeded Guru Nanak as Guru Angad, the second spiritual head of the nascent Sikh community.
11.6 The Vaishvadevayajna (‘worship of all Devas’)
This daily act of worship involves making offerings to the guardian Deities of one’s home and secondly feeding the really disadvantaged and reviled sections of the human society (e.g., criminals, lepers, social outcastes) and stray animals and birds. The merit of performing and demerit of ignoring this daily worship is great-
That Brahmana who thus daily honors all beings, goes, endowed with a resplendent body, by a straight road to the highest abode (i.e., to the Supreme Being). Manusmriti 3.93
Those depraved Brahmanas who eat themselves without performing the Vaishvadeva fall into filthy
Hells and all their religious rites are in vain. Parāshara Smriti 1.57
In modern times, this can take the form of making donations to or volunteering with wild-life conservation or animal humane societies, or providing medical care to those who cannot afford it.
11.6.1 Traditional Bhūtayajna
Traditionally, this involves making ceremonial offerings at different points in the house to various Deva-s, for instance to Brahman at the center of the house, in different directions to Indra, Yama, Varuna and Soma and so on. Thereafter, offerings are made to the following-
Let him gently place on the ground some food for dogs, outcastes, dog-eaters, those afflicted with diseases that are punishments of former sins, crows and insects. Manusmriti 3.92
In many parts of India, Nepal and other countries where Hindus reside, women draw a colorful pattern with edible colors (e.g. White rice paste) called ‘kollam’ or ‘rangoli’ which insects can eat. This is also a way of performing the Bhūtayajna. The pattern is drawn in the front yard, or in one’s courtyard.
11.6.2 Modern Applications of Bhūtayajna
1. Take good care of pets and other animals dependent on us for their food and comfort. Feed them before taking your own food. Treat them well and do not abuse them. Treat them as a family member.
2. Do not over-work animals used for labor. Do not beat them. Treat them lovingly.
3. Adopt stray animals or feed them. Donate to animal shelter homes.
4. Make donations to or volunteer at homes for destitute, people suffering from terminal illness and having no means of support.
5. Donate to institutions researching cure of mortal diseases like cancer etc.
6. Provide comfort to prison inmates serving sentences through donations of books, food etc.
11.7 Alternatives to Pancha-Mahāyajnas
In the Gita and in other scriptures, some alternatives to the above five Mahāyajnas are given, a detailed description of which is beyond the scope of the present compilation-
Some yogins offer yajnas to the Devas alone, whereas others offer yajna by yajna itself in the fire of Brahman. Gita 4.25
Some offer hearing and other senses into the fires of restraint; others offer sound and other objects of senses into the fires of the senses. Gita 4.26
And others offer all actions of the senses and all actions of the prāṇas into the fire of the yoga of restraint on the ātman, kindled by knowledge. Gita 4.27
Likewise, some offer in yajna their material possessions, or others their austerities and still others their practice of yoga; while other striving individuals who have undertaken stringent vows offer their study of scriptures and knowledge as yajna. Gita 4.28
Others offer inhalation (prāṇa) into exhalation (apāna) and others exhalation into inhalation having restrained the course of inhalation and exhalation, and intent on the control of the vital breaths. Gita 4.29
Others who have regulated their diets, offer life breaths into life breaths. All these are knowers of yajnas, and their evils have been destroyed through yajnas. Gita 4.30
12.0 Pursuit of Moksha by the Married Couple:
12.1 From Trivarga to Moksha
In general, the life of householders is very busy as they are raising their family and supporting the society. Moksha naturally takes a rear seat. Nevertheless, the couple must pursue the Trivarga (first three Purushārthas – Dharma, Kāma and Artha) in such a way that they can easily and smoothly switch their priorities to Moksha as they advance in age. In this regard, the following advice from the Mahābhārata is very apt:
Bheeshma said –
Desire for the fruits of one’s actions is the defect of Dharma. Hoarding is the defect of Artha. Excessive indulgence is the defect of Kāma. But when these three (Dharma, Artha and Kāma) are free of their respective defects, they become conducive to one’s welfare. Mahābhārata 12.123.10
A scholar very rightly remarks-
“In Hindu view, marriage is not a concession to human weakness, but a means for spiritual growth. Man and woman are soul mates who, through the institution of marriage, can direct the energy associated with their individual instincts and passions into the progress of their souls. Family life is a training ground for a man to practice divine love through human love, patience, consideration of others, forgiveness, respect, kindness and self-control. These spiritual qualities, when developed, contribute to a happy marriage and accelerate spiritual progress.”[95]
Swami Tejomayananda has written a very beautiful song that summarizes the entire purpose of a married life:
12.2 Karmayoga
As the householder is ever engaged in fulfilling his duties (Karma and Dharma) and these have respective fruit – good and evil, how can a householder overcome the fetters of Karma and attain Moksha? In the Bhagavad Gita the path of Karma Yoga teaches us how we can remain engaged in the Samsāra actively and yet escape the traps of Karma that cause us to be bound, helplessly as it were, to the wheel of Samsāra. The path of KARMA YOGA states that all the sensations of our sense organs – such as pain, happiness, sorrow, heat, cold etc., are temporary. Nothing lasts forever. Therefore, we should bear them with patience, and not get infatuated with negative emotions, nor should we get attracted by worldly temptations. Instead, we should continue to do our duty (Svadharma) at all times just because it ought to be done, and without any desire of fruits resulting from doing them. We must offer the fruit of our Karma to Bhagavān. In this, all action is spiritualized and becomes an act of worship. Some modern Hindu teachers call this mode of performing action as ‘Nārāyaṇa Bhāva’, or Karma that is performed as an act of worship to the Lord. The Gita too describes this attitude of work as worship -
He from whom the natural activities (or duties) of all beings arise and by Whom all this is pervaded, by worshipping Him through the performance of his own duty does a person attains perfection. Gita
18.46
It is beyond the scope of the present compilation to explain the path of Karmayoga. Some verses illustrating the core principles may be cited-
“Whatever ever-changing objects exist in these destructible worlds, they all must be regarded as indwelt (or enveloped) by the Divine Ruler.” By this understanding, enjoy all objects with a spirit of renunciation. Do not ever covet anyone’s wealth. Yajurveda, Īshāvāsya Upaniṣhad 1 Doing Karma in this world indeed must one desire to live for a hundred years. Thus it is for you, and not otherwise than this. Karmas do not taint such a person. Yajurveda, Īshāvāsya Upaniṣhad
2
He shall not fulfill his sacred duties merely in order to acquire these worldly objects (as fame, gain, and honor). Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 1.7.20.1
For when they ought to bring rewards, (duties thus fulfilled) become fruitless. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 1.7.20.2
(Worldly benefits) are produced as accessories (to the fulfillment of the law), just as in the case of a mango tree, which is planted in order to obtain fruit, shade and fragrance (are accessory advantages). Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 1.7.20.3
But if (worldly advantages) are not produced, (then at least) the sacred duties have been fulfilled. Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 1.7.20.4
The following Karmayoga checklist will be useful to a householder for ensuring that his engagement with his family, his professional colleagues, friends and society at large will be an aid and not a hindrance in his journey towards Moksha.
A Progressive Karma-Yoga Checklist: Attempt to be a ‘Yes’ on initial questions first, before you get a ‘Yes’ on later ones, and not vice versa. Later, ensure that an overwhelming majority, if not all, of your answers to the questions below are ‘Yes’.
No.
Karma-Yoga Quality
Question
Yes
No
1
Dharma
Do my actions meet the ethical standards of the scriptures? Is it Dharmically the right thing to do?
2
Svadharma
Am I performing my own personal duty instead of unnecessarily interfering in the work of others just because what they do is more glamorous or lucrative?
3
Shraddhā
Am I doing my Karma with full faith that it must be done and that doing it is my duty? Do I really believe in what I am doing?
4
Prasādabudd
hi
Am I doing my Karma with a smile, with joy, with a sense of gratitude and thanks towards everything that I have, and without grumbling or grudging?
5
Sattva
Have I considered the various options, and various ways of doing the Karma, and have chosen the option which is most ethical, most rational, does the least harm, is most beneficial and is most in tune with Dharmic and Spiritual values, even if that option is not the easy one?
6
Nirdvandva
Am I sure that I am not doing my present karma because I am addicted to doing it, or because of infatuation (raga) with something or for someone? Am I sure that I am not doing my present Karma because of dislike or hatred towards something or someone, or because I hate (dveṣha) to do other kinds of work?
7
Nirahaṃkāra
Am I doing my Karma with humility, and without pride, ego and arrogance?
8
Akrodha
Am I sure that I am not doing my Karma out of anger against someone or something, or to harm someone?
9
Nirmoha
Am I sure that I am doing my Karma with full knowledge of its purpose, impact etc., and not in ignorance or under delusion?
10
Samatvam
Did I do my Karma without worrying too much about its success or failure, and without getting excited about temporary setbacks or achievements? Did I face all challenges on the way with patience, bravely and cheerfully?
11
Nirveda /
Niṣhkāma
Am I sure that I have no selfish motive or desire in doing my Karma?
12
Lokasaṃgrah
a
Am I motivated in doing my Karma for the greater good of the society and the world, and am not keeping my self-interest above the good of others?
13
Sevā
Am I doing my Karma in the spirit of voluntary service, to benefit others, and not just myself?
14
Nirmama
Am I sure that I did not get attached to my Karma itself? Am I doing it because it was the right thing to do, not because that is what I want to do?
15
Karmakaushalam
Did I perform my Karma with full focus and effort, to the best of my ability, with full dexterity, and with the goal of purifying my own ātman?
16
Ātmabhāva
Am I treating everyone impacted by my Karma, or everyone that I interact with while doing my Karma, equally, and with fairness and justice and with the understanding that the ātman in everyone is the same?
17
Ātmaupamya
Have I practiced total empathy in my dealings with others? Have my ego and consciousness expanded to include everyone else as a part of me?
18
Phala-tyāga
Have I offered any Karma-phala that I will get to the Lord?
19
Karma-Pūjā
Have I performed my Karma with devotion as if it were a Pūjā of the Lord?
20
Nārāyaṇa
Bhāva
Have I treated everyone and everything that I encountered while performing my Karma as if it, he or she were a manifestation of my Lord, and kept the Lord in my heart always?
In addition to Karmayoga, the path of Bhaktiyoga is also open to the householders.
13.0 The Ideal and Imperfect Households
13.1 The Idyllic Home
The picture of a perfect family in the Hindu scriptures is along expected lines – the couple love each other and are faithful and their children are loving and obedient. They all live together all their lives, prosperous and sharing their possessions with each other. They are all devoted to the Divine and pray together. Their house or mansion is sturdy and large, well endowed with all luxuries. They are all happy, of one mind and virtuous. There is scant sickness and no untimely death.
May you two (husband and wife) live in your own home your full life together, never parted from each other, playing with your children and grandchildren. Rigveda 10.85.42
Unite, O Lord, this couple like a pair of Chakravāka birds. May they be surrounded by children, living long and happy lives together. Atharvaveda 14.2.64
The family in which the wife is always satisfied with her husband and the husband is satisfied with his wife always secures happiness, well-being and stability. Manusmriti 3.60
He alone is a perfect man who consists of three persons united – himself, his wife and his children. This is what the Vedas teach, and likewise the learned Brahmanas also state that, ‘The husband is one with the wife.’” Manusmriti 9.45
Husband and wife, in sweet accord, pour milk offerings to the Devas, press and strain the Soma juice. Rigveda 8.31.5
They acquire a bounteous store of food and come united to the Yajna altar. Their strength never diminishes. Rigveda 8.31.6
They do not stray away from the Devas nor do they conceal the gifts from Devas. Thus, they acquire great glory. Rigveda 8.31.7
With sons and daughters at their side, they live a long life, dressed with gold ornaments. Rigveda 8.31.8
Devoted to Yajna, accumulating wealth, they serve the Immortal and worship the Devas, united in mutual love. Rigveda 8.31.9
Here do I fix my home. May it stand firm and overflow with Ghee. May we enter you, our Home, with all our family members sound in mind and limbs. Atharvaveda 3.12.1
Here do you stand, firm dwelling, rich in horses and cattle, pleasantly resounding, wealthy in food abundant, ghee and milk. Stand erect for great good fortune. Atharvaveda 3.12.2
The union of hearts and minds and freedom from hate I'll bring you. Love one another as the cow loves the calf that she has borne. Atharvaveda 3.30.1
Let son be loyal to father and of one mind with his mother. Let wife speak to husband words that are honey sweet and gentle. Atharvaveda 3.30.2
Let not brother hate a brother, nor a sister hate a sister, unanimous, united in aims, speak you words with friendliness. Atharvaveda 3.30.3
I will make the prayer for that concord among men at home by which Devas do not separate, nor ever hate one another. Atharvaveda 3.30.4
Be not parted - growing old, taking thought, thriving together, moving under a common yoke; come speaking sweetly to one another; I'll make you have one aim and be of one mind. Atharvaveda 3.30.5
Common be your water-store, common your share of food; I bind you together to a common yoke; United, gather around the sacrificial fire, like spokes around the nave of a wheel. Atharvaveda 3.30.6
With your common desire I'll make you all have one aim, be of one mind, following one leader, like Devas who preserve their immortality. Morning and evening may there always be a loving heart in you. Atharvaveda 3.30.7
When a family life possesses love and virtue, it has found both its essence and fruition. Thirukural, chapter 5, Kural 45
13.2 The World as One Family
But beyond loving and caring for each other, the Vedas admonish us to look beyond our own blood family and regard the entire humanity as one big family. We must not see anyone as the ‘hated other’. And even beyond the living creatures, we must wish for universal peace and happiness.
These are mine own, these are not my people – Such are the thoughts of lowly people. For them who have a generous and a large heart, The entire world is one great family. Samaveda, Mahopanishad 6.72
Almighty Lord! May all creatures see me, the strong one, with a friendly eye! May I see all creatures with a friendly eye! May we all see each other as friends! Mādhyandina Yajurveda 36.18
May the Heavens grant us Peace, May the Skies grant us Peace. May the Earth grant us Peace. May we get Peace from the Waters, Peace from our grains, Peace from the wild Plants. May all the wise men generate Peace, May the Scriptural teachings promote Peace. May everything in this world grant me Peace, May Peace give me Peace. And may that great and true Peace abide in me. Mādhyandina Yajurveda 36.17
The following story from the life of a Hindu saint demonstrates how he overcame the walls of division and lived the highest Hindu teaching of ‘the entire world is one great family’-
Sant Ekanāth (1533-1599) shows that the greatest worship is to do good to others
One day, Ekanāth was taking a bath in the River Godavari when he saw a poor woman arrive with her infant and a bucket to fill some water. After she had filled her bucket with the water, she started walking back towards her home alone, and forgetting to carry the infant. The baby soon started crying and caught Ekanāth’s attention. He rushed to the baby and picked him lovingly in his arms. He followed the woman and then gave the baby to her as she was just entering her home. The mother realized her absent-mindedness, and cried with joy to see her baby back in her arms. She thanked Ekanāth for returning her child to her.
When the news of this incident spread in the village, several Brahmanas got very upset. They approached him and said, “Ekanath, you are a Brahmana. Then how come you picked up the child of an untouchable and even went to their home? We think that you have committed a sin and therefore you must bathe 108 times in the Godavari to purify yourself.” Ekanath was shocked and he said, “How can you be so heartless? The child was crying and it was my duty to pick him up and take him to his mother.” But the Brahmanas would not listen to Ekanath and an argument started.
Just then, a leper arrived and said, “I am coming from the temple of Vithoba in Pandharpur. When I worshipped Vithoba (Krishna) to cure my disease, he asked me to come to your village in search of a Sant named Ekanath. Krishna told me that by returning the baby of untouchable parents to his mother, Eknath had accumulated a lot of good Karma. If Eknath gives me even a portion of this good Karma, then my leprosy will get cured.”
Ekanath replied, “I am Eknath, and I am the one who returned the baby to his mother. I do not know if I have earned any good Karma by doing this deed, because I just wanted to do my duty. But if it helps you, I will give you all of my good karma.” Saying this, Ekanath took a spoonful of water in his hands, and recited the name of Vishnu with great devotion. Then he sprinkled the water on the leper. And lo, a miracle happened! The leper got cured in front of everyone’s eyes. The narrow minded Brahmanas were now ashamed. They had thought that Eknath had committed a sin by helping an untouchable family. But clearly in the eyes of Krishna, Ekanath had done a very good Karma by doing so.
13.3 The Not So Perfect Family Life
The reality of life is that a perfect family is very rare. Even saints were often tormented by an inimical family member. Rishi-s who can inspire many strangers can sometimes not influence their own family members to become virtuous, hard-working and so on.
There is no family without some flaws, no person that has no illness, no one who is free of all addictions and none whose joys are everlasting. Chāṇakya Rājanītishataka 14
Sometimes, a good hearted person blames himself for having overlooked something or having made an error for the transgressions of an evil hearted family member towards him. It sure hurts when someone dear to us betrays us or hurts us. But we should just accept it as a part of life, forgive them or chastise them as appropriate and move on, otherwise the sense of betrayal torments us till our very death.
Even in the hour of death, the thoughts of friends who left you in your hour of need will hurt your heart. Kural 799
One way to insulate ourselves us from betrayal by loved ones is to be on the guard always, even towards people we love and trust completely.
One should never be too straightforward nor too soft. Straight trees are cut in a forest and the crooked trees remain as they were. Garuda Purāṇa 1.114.50
And when our loved ones indulge in gossiping and back-biting about us, we should understand that it is not our fault. Only hypocrites, cowards and fake people lack the courage to talk to us about our perceived flaws.
Only fake people criticize others or say bad things about them behind their backs. Genuine and truthful persons always criticize others in front of them. Mahābhārata 12.132.13
The following is a celebrated narrative in the Hindu tradition about successive betrayals by wives, husbands and lovers that made King Bhartrihari lose his enchantment for this world and become a celebrated ascetic.
Story: The King who became a Saint
Raja Bhartrihari was a very noble king who ruled from the city of Ujjain in central India (or from Patna in eastern India according to others). This city has a famous temple of Shiva, known as the Mahākāleshvara Mandir. The King was a very sincere Bhakta of Shiva. Pleased with his devotion, Devi Pārvatī appeared to him one day with a Divine fruit, and said, “I am pleased with your bhakti. Therefore, I am offering this fruit to you. After you eat it, you will regain your young age and will always look young and handsome.” The King bowed to the Devi and gratefully accepted the fruit. He worshipped it but just before he was about to eat it, he thought, “I love my queen dearly. I cannot bear to see her get old while I stay young. I will gift the fruit to her.”
He took the fruit to her and explained its Divine qualities. The queen accepted the fruit from the king and pretended to be overcome with emotion and love. But she had a different plan in her mind. She said to the king, “I think I will spend tonight fasting, and worshipping Shiva. After I have become pure in this way, I will eat the fruit tomorrow morning.” In reality, she was in love with the military commander of Raja Bhartrihari’s army! She sent him a secret message, asking him to come to her palace quietly. Then, she gifted him the fruit, after explaining to him its marvelous properties. And unknown to her, the military commander was in love with one of the maids of the queen, and gifted the fruit to her. She, in turn, loved a laborer, who in turn loved a poor woman who worked in the fields. In this way, the fruit passed many hands till it was next morning.
The poor woman thought, “Our country is ruled by a very noble king. For the good of Ujjain, let me gift it to Raja Bhartihari.” She appeared in his court with the fruit and offered it to the king after explaining its wonderful qualities to him. Raja Bhartrihari was shocked to see her gifting him the same fruit that he had gifted the previous night to his own queen out of love. He asked the queen to state the truth, and out of fear, she revealed everything. Soon, Bhartrihari found out how the fruit had changed owners one after another, because people had betrayed each other.
That day, a feeling of great sadness filled his mind. He thought, “All relations in this world are temporary and false. People just pretend to love each other. But almost everyone is fake, and tries to take advantage of others by pretending to love them. I have been living all my life amongst people I had trusted and loved. But they have all betrayed me. Perhaps, instead of trusting other humans, I should direct all my faith, trust and love towards Bhagavān Shiva.”
14.0 Widow/Widower Remarriage
The death of a loved spouse is one of the greatest tragedy that can happen in one’s life. It can take years to recover from the emotional toll and other impact of the event. It is often seen that the surviving spouse also quickly passes away within a short time of his/her loved companion’s death.[96]
After the passing of a beloved wife, the world appears as a desolate forest and the heart keeps incinerating as if kept in a heap of burning husk. Bhavabhūti’s Uttara Rāmacharita 6.38
The sections below discuss briefly the Hindu viewpoint on remarriage of widows and widowers.
14.1 Widow Remarriage
The Vedic texts indicate that widow remarriage was allowed.
• Rigveda 10.18.8-9 includes the following verses, the first of which is duplicated in the Atharvaveda:
Rise O Woman! Come to the world of the living. Come, the man by whose side you are lying is lifeless. Be united with this man as his wife, who holds thy hand and seeks to be thy husband.
(The new husband says) Taking the bow from the hand of the departed, let us launch a new life of valor and strength . . . Here are you my beloved, in front of me. Now we two, with virtuous and valorous children, will triumph over all who challenge us and compete with us.
• Rig Veda 10.40.2 includes the following verse:
O Ashwins! Where are you in the evening, where at the morning, where do you sojourn? Where do you dwell? And who is the one that brings you both into his presence, as a second husband to the couch of the widow, or the groom in front of his bride?
• Atharva Veda 9.5.27-29 includes a verse that translates as
Whatever woman, having first married one husband, marries another, she and the other new husband will not be separated if they offer a goat and five rice dishes illumined with religious fees.
The Dharmasūtras appended to various Vedic schools also permit widow remarriage.[97] This general permission for remarriage of widows was maintained in some texts of classical Hinduism[98]. In certain cases, if the husband went abroad for longer than a particular period of time, the woman was permitted to remarry as well.[99]
Another man is ordained for women in five calamities: a) When the husband is missing and is unheard of; b) The husband dies; c) When the husband is impotent; d) When the husband has become an ascetic; e) The husband has become depraved.
—Agnipurana 154.5-5; Parashara Smriti IV.30; and Narada Smriti V.97.
---cited by P. V. Kane, in his History of Dharmashastra
If the husband is untraceable, dead, or has renounced the world, is impotent or degraded - in these cases of emergency a woman can remarry. Garuḍa Purāṇa 1.107.28
In general however, the status of widows declined steeply when the texts of classical Hinduism were formulated. As a result, remarriage of widows was highly frowned upon[100] and the ideal widow was expected to live a life of piety, austerity and self-abnegation. Some illustrative verse may be cited below-
A faithful wife, who desires to dwell after death with her husband, must never do anything that might displease him who took her hand, whether he is alive or dead. Manusmriti 5.156
At her pleasure, let her emaciate her body by living on pure flowers, roots and fruit; but she must never even mention the name of another man after her husband has died. Manusmriti 5.157
Until death, let her be patient of hardships, self-controlled, and chaste, and strive to fulfill that most excellent duty which is prescribed for wives, who have one husband only. Manusmriti 5.158 Many thousands of Brahmanas who were chaste from their youth, have gone to heaven without continuing his race. Manusmriti 5.159
A virtuous wife who after the death of her husband constantly remains chaste, reaches heaven, though she have no son, just like those chaste men. Manusmriti 5.160
Likewise, a widower was excluded from the sacred ritual but could remarry in order to enter normal life, or he could choose to live celibate. But, no stigma was attached to the remarriage of a widower.
Clearly however, widow remarriages continued to occur in historic India, and are mentioned in Dharmashastra texts themselves.[101] One may cite several examples of widow remarriages from ancient India. In the Harivaṃsha Purāṇa, Ugrayudha proposes to Satyavatī, the widow of Shantanu, indicating that it was not taboo to marry a widow. Arjuna married Uloopi, the widowed daughter of the Naga king, and even had a son by her. The Jātaka tales narrate some other instances of men marrying widows in the Hindu society in the pre-Buddhist period. Emperor Chandragupta II in the 4th century CE married the Dhruvadevi, the widow of his elder brother. Vīra Hammīra of Chittor married the widowed daughter of Maldeo and their son Kshetrasimha succeeded him to the throne of Udaipur.[102] Remarriage of widow was generally recommended with her younger brother in law, though there does not seem to be an absolute restriction in this regard. Such examples were not commonplace though and a life of celibacy was generally recommended for widows. numerous Hindu communities such as Jats practiced widow remarriage (the custom was called ‘karewa’) down to modern times. Currently, the stigma against widow remarriages is vanishing fast especially in large cities in India. It is preferred by family members that the widow remarries a widower, though there is no such compulsion. Social reforms like Maharshi Karve (1858 – 1962) championed the right of Hindu widows to remarry. Overcoming great social and family opposition, he led by example and himself married a widow.
Earlier, Pandit Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar (1820 – 1891), a great Hindu scholar and reformer, led a movement to support the remarriage of widows. As a result of his efforts, the East India Company passed The Hindu Widows’ Remarriage Act XV in 1856, legalizing the re-marriage of widows in their territories. Vidyasagar cited Hindu scriptures like the Parāshara Smriti which sanctioned widow remarriage, and emphasized the importance of these scriptures in modern times.
14.2 Widower Remarriage
In contrast to widow remarriage, there was not much social or religious stigma attached to the remarriage of widowers. They were debarred from performing Yajnas but could remarry if they wanted to rekindle the fire altar again in their home-
A twice born man, versed in the sacred law, shall cremate a dead wife of equal caste, who conducts herself according to the Dharma of a virtuous wife, and dies before him, with the sacred fires used for the Agnihotra, and with the Yajna implements. Manusmriti 5.167[103]
Having thus, at the funeral, given the sacred fires to his wife who dies before him, he may marry again, and again kind the fires. Manusmriti 5.168
Living according to the rules, he must never neglect the five great Yajnas and, having taken a wife, he must dwell in his own house during the second period of his life. Manusmriti 5.169
A son becomes entitled to take over his father’s duty of performing the daily Agnihotra if his father’s wife dies, or if his father travels to a distant location, or if his father gets tainted with a sin. Atri Saṃhitā 1.106
Husbands could also forsake their wives for other reasons but similar freedom was granted only rarely to women-
Let him abandon a barren wife in the tenth year, one who bears only daughters in the twelfth, one whose children all die in the fifteenth, but her who is quarrelsome without delay. Baudhāyana Dharmasūtra 2.2.4.6
15.0 Divorce
The very essence of married life is stated in the following words –
Faithfulness to each other must be observed till death – this is the essence of the Supreme Law that must be followed by the husband and wife. After completing the marriage rites, they should exert with all their might to avoid being unfaithful to each other, and to avoid splitting from each other. Manusmriti 9.101-102
A husband was required to leave sufficient resources or money for his wife’s maintenance if he went on a journey. If he did not do so, the wife could support herself through manual work. However, if her husband did not return after a few years and she had no means to support herself, she could marry another man. Although a wife was supposed to put up with a bad husband, a husband could discard his wife within a few months or years if she misbehaved.
A scholar describes the reasons why divorce is considered reprehensible in the Hindu society-
“In Hinduism, marriage is viewed as a sacrament, not a contract. Hindu marriage is a life-long commitment of one wife and one husband, and it is the strongest social bond that takes place between a man and a woman in the presence of their parents, relatives, friends, and society…..
The recognition of the spiritual ideal of Hindu marriage requires that the couple recognize marriage as a permanent lifetime relationship, and therefore an indissoluble one. In Hinduism, marriage is not an experiment to investigate whether or not one likes the other, but an irrevocable commitment for
a lifetime relationship. In order to satisfy such a commitment, a couple must be ready, willing, and able to subordinate their individual interests and inclinations to the larger ideal of reflecting God’s unconditional love through lifelong companionship. Hindu philosophy recognizes that there are natural differences in taste and temper, and ideals and interests of the individuals. The Hindu ideal of the institution of marriage is to reconcile these differences to promote a harmonious life.”[104]
Hindu scriptures list several means which ensure the longevity of a marriage. The first is that the husband and wife must act unitedly as a pair, and not pursue their goals individually and in disregard to their partner. This is also reflected in the wedding steps (Saptapadī, Pherā etc.).
The husband and wife should be of one mind of one resolve and have the same goal. Wives must never pursue Dharma, Artha and Kāma independently of their husbands. Vyāsa Smriti 2.18
The second guideline is that they must love each other. A marriage is not a one-sided relationship.
Even in Heaven, one thing is difficult to find, and that is mutual love between husband and wife. What can be more painful than the situation in which one out of the two is full of love but the other is detached? Daksha Smriti 4.6
The third guideline is that they must understand the consequences of mutual enmity and hatred in this life and the next -
The man who abandons his young wife even though she is virtuous and faithful is himself reborn as a barren woman upon death. Daksha Smriti 4.17
If a respectable woman is insulted by her husband, she is reborn as a man in the next three lives, and her husband is reborn as the wife for the next three lives. Kātyāyana Smriti 20.13
The consequences of a separation are often bad not just for the couple in this life, but also in the next. And worse, the children of failed marriages also suffer a lot.
The fourth guideline is that the couple must be compatible and have several similarities. Or if they are dissimilar, they must complement each other. In the traditional Hindu arranged marriage, this is ensured by the participation of wise and loving elders from both the sides in shortlisting potential candidates. In this connection, refer to the qualities of an ideal groom and bride above, and the philosophy behind arranged marriages below.
The fifth guideline is that the husband and wife should view marriage not as concession to human weakness, but as a means for spiritual growth.
The sixth guideline is the understanding that a marriage is not just a union of two individuals, but of two families. Throughout their married lives and especially in the initial years, the parents, siblings, uncles, Aunts and other relatives of the couple must participate constructively, supportively and judiciously to make the life of the couple more harmonious and fulfilling. The relatives must also know when to stop interfering in the couple’s lives. Strong family ties in Hindu families also ensures that marriages are a lifelong affair.
The seventh guideline is that in case a husband abandons a virtuous wife, the state shall confiscate a portion of his wealth and provide it for her maintenance. This is a legal deterrent to misbehavior by the husband.
If a husband abandons his wife who is obedient, skillful in her tasks, mother of brave sons and a polite speaker, the King should confiscate 1/3 of that man’s wealth and hand it over to the abandoned wife. If the husband is poor, then the King should instead ensure that the wife is give food and clothes by her errant husband. Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.76
The two stories below show that quarrels between spouses can cause separation and divorce but the Hindu tradition advocates that they should try to reconcile, forgive each other and rekindle their love and beautiful memories because we all make mistakes.
Rama forgives Ahilyā: Rishi Gautama and his beautiful wife Ahilyā used to live here. Rishi Gautama was always busy with his meditation, worship and reading scriptures. He ignored Ahilyā. But she continued to serve her husband dutifully even though she felt very lonely. One day, Indra, the King of Devas, saw Ahilyā and fell in love with her. When Gautama was away, Indra took the form of Gautama and came to see Ahilyā. She realized that he was not her husband, but did not ask Indra to leave and instead fell in love with him. When Gautama returned suddenly, he realized what had happened. He cursed Indra, who ran away. He also cursed Ahilyā and said that she will get converted to a piece of stone and will live by breathing air. He said to her, “One day, Prince Rama will arrive and he will bless you to come to life again from the lifeless stone.”
Vishvamitra then pointed to a large rock and asked Rama to touch it with his feet. As soon as Rama did so, a beautiful and pure woman came out of the rock. She fell at the feet of Rama, and with tears in her eyes and shame for her actions, she asked Him to forgive her for her mistake. Rama blessed her and said, “Do not worry. You have paid the price for actions. Now, you are completely freed of your mistake and your husband will also forgive you.” Ahilyā shed tears of joy and thanked Rama for his mercy. Then, she flew into the sky to meet with her husband in heaven, where he forgave her. This story illustrates that a spouse can make a grievous error but eventually the other person should forgive him or her.
Story of Shiva and Parvati as fisherman and fisherwoman: Once, while Shiva was explaining the secret of the Vedas to Parvati, she got distracted by the sight of a beautiful fish swimming in the pond next to them. Shiva got annoyed and said, “If you love fish so much, may you become a fisherwoman.” In a moment, Parvati disappeared and was born as a pretty daughter to a fisherman couple. She grew up to be a beautiful fisherwoman. Meanwhile, Shiva repented and greatly missed her. One of his helpers, named Manikandan, decided to help. He became a giant shark in the ocean that started scaring the fisherman in their boats when they went into the ocean. Parvati’s fisherman father, the chief of the community, announced- “Whosoever captures the shark will marry my beautiful daughter.” Shiva promptly appeared as a handsome fisherman and offered to capture the shark. He went out to the ocean, and in no time, he was able to capture the shark in his giant net. Fisherwoman Parvati married Shiva once again and then they revealed their true forms to others before returning to their Divine abode.
16.0 Types of Conventional Hindu Families
In a typical Hindu family, the eldest male takes the lead in making decisions and earning income to sustain the family members. But this does not mean that the wife and other ladies have no agency or authority. Even in the early 11th century, the Muslim traveler Alberuni noticed a stark difference in the ways of Hindus versus that of Muslims. He noted that Hindu men invariably consulted their wives before arriving at any major decision whereas the Arabs did not. In families where the husband was sole income earner, he is expected to hand over his earnings to his wife, who has considerable latitude in deciding how she uses it. In wealthy households, wives often took care of family philanthropy and social patronage activities as well. There was and to a greater extent there still is the expectation that the man will take care of activities outside the house whereas the woman will lead the activities within the house without much interference from him.
However, as modern lifestyle spreads and women have started working outside their homes and are often becoming the prime income earners of their families, this equation has started changing.
16.1 Hindu Joint Families
Most Hindu scriptures presume this type of family and even today, a large chunk of Hindus are a part of the Joint Family. In this type of family, all unmarried children and grandchildren, as well as married males descended from the same married couple with their own families live under the same roof under a ‘head of the household’ who is typically the eldest male of the household. The eldest lady, typically the wife of the head of household wields a lot of influence and authority in domestic matters. Married daughters and granddaughters are not considered a part of the household as they have become a part of their husbands’ household. Income earned by all members is pooled together and under the guidance of the head of the household and his wife, it is divided among the various members of the large household according to their needs. In several cases, after the head of the household dies, his eldest son takes the role and all of his younger brothers and their families and unmarried sisters defer to his authority and guidance. The Hindu sacred texts discuss the Joint Family in the context of inheritance laws, which can be quite varied and complex. In general, when the head of the household dies, it is a matter of time before the married brothers separate off to create their own independent families. The widowed mother moves in with one of the sons and the unmarried daughters also move in with one of their brothers.
The Hindu joint family system has some advantages as well as disadvantages. The members of the large household have considerable support as the families of brothers become very close to each other and so do their children. In teams of need, everyone comes together to help out the aggrieved family member. In this multigenerational setting, the elderly members are taken good care off emotionally and otherwise and they spend their golden years in the company of their grandchildren. Food is cooked in a common kitchen (typically) with everyone helping out with the same and in raising the household children. The drawbacks are the individual members are constrained by the norms and guidance of elderly members of the household. This often leads to discontent and bickering, especially when one son is earning much more or much less compared to the others. There is a hierarchy of statuses and relationships in the household that might not appeal to the more egalitarian minded members. The domestic fire for Vedic Yajnas is the responsibility of the head of the household. Upon his death, if the sons separate, they consecrate their separate sacred fires and therefore, due to the expansion of one sacred altar into many, their separation upon the death of the head of the household is considered a welcome development.[105]
The process of breakup of a Hindu Joint Family can happen in several stages – separation of finances, separation of kitchen, moving out of one of the married or unmarried sons while their father is still alive and so on. In many traditional homes, the breakup of joint family, especially when the elderly grandparents who lead it are alive, is frowned upon and the members that are branching out are blamed for it. On the flip side, the head of the household and the other elders can be sometimes extremely authoritarian and stifle the ambitions, voices and lifestyles of some of the members, causing them to split off.
16.2 Nuclear Family
This comprises of a married couple and only their unmarried children in the household. Compared to the second family type, it is becoming more common especially in the urban areas because young adults are constantly on the move in pursuit of employment opportunities and career growth, leaving their parental homes. This type of family is the norm in the West.
17.0 Less Common Relationships and Families
In addition to the two types of families mentioned in the previous sections, there are a few other types that are not very common. And there can also be a few unconventional relationships in the society that do not amount to being a family and defy normative social conventions.
17.1 The Significant Other
In this case, two individuals develop a deep emotional bond and may or may not live together. Their prioritize their relationship with each other over that with others. Sometimes, the couple may take the next step to get married. If there is a sexual relationship involved, the marriage is of the Gāndharva type. In other cases, the two individuals can simple have a platonic relationship but form a very close bond. In the Hindu tradition, we have the example of two Rishis named Nara and Nārāyaṇa who were reborn many times and remained deep friends in each life. In the Mahābhārata, Krishna and Arjuna (who were cousins as well as very close friends) are sometimes referred to as one of their appearances together.
Parable -Dhanurdasa finds the Most Beautiful Eyes:
Shri Ramanujacharya once saw a strange incident – A man was walking backwards, while holding an umbrella over his girlfriend. The saint asked the man the reason for his inappropriate behavior. The man replied, “I worship beauty. Even while walking with this woman, I do not want to waste a single moment by not seeing the beauty of her beautiful eyes.”
Ramanuja thought, “I wish that his infatuation for beauty were directed towards Vishnu, the most beautiful one! If that happens, this man will attain great spiritual heights.” Therefore, the saint said, “If you really worship beauty, then come today evening to the Ranganathaswamy Temple in Srirangam at the time of the arati (prayer ceremony done with lamps).”
The man was reluctant to go to the temple but his ladylove said, “Perhaps a misfortune would befall you if you do not obey the command of a holy man. So just go for today.” The man showed up at the required time in the temple, and he was overwhelmed when he saw the beauty of the lamps being waved around the Deity. He was moved by the beauty of the prayers being chanted by the devotees, and by the faith in their eyes.
His transformation occurred there and then. He gave up his wrong ways and became a true devotee of Vishnu. His name is recorded as Dhanurdas in the Hindu tradition. Dhanurdasa married his girlfriend with the blessings of Ramanujacharya and they both settled down in the temple city of Srirangam, where the couple spent their lives in the worship of Bhagavān.
Krishna, Draupadi and the Gopis: Rigid social conventions cannot define all true relationships. In the Mahabharata, Draupadi who was married to Pandavas regarded Krishna as her best friend. Whenever she was in trouble, and was failed by her own family members, she remembered Krishna for help. Likewise, Krishna always praised the Gopis (dairy farming women) of Vrindavan, where he had spent his childhood. Even his wives and others would object to his love for them. One day, when He had a headache, he asked for the dust of the feet of anyone who loved him to apply as balm on his forehead. But everyone thought, “How can I risk going to Hell by giving the dust of my feet to our Lord.” But when the Gopis were asked, they spread a shawl and started wiping their feet on it to collect the dust. They said, “If the feet of our dust can cure his headache, we are not worried about going to hell.” This story shows that the Lord regards selfless love as a stronger basis for relationships than formal conventions.
17.2 Live-in Relationships
A couple may choose to live together in the same home, and typically also develop sexual relationship and might even have children without getting married through a religious or a legal ceremony. Although they are a family for all practical purposes, such relationships are not regarded as equivalent to a marriage either by Hindu Dharma or by the laws of the land in India and other Hindu societies. For example, if one of the partners were to die, the surviving partner may not claim any share in the former’s property although their children can claim a share. Many live-in relationships happen because the couple are unwilling to commit to a formal marriage and its accompanying obligations. In almost all cases, these relationships lack the longevity or permanency of a marriage because the legal and emotional barrier to separate from each other does not exist. The weakness or temporary nature of these relationships takes an emotional toll on the separating partners as well as on their children. Live-in relationships constitute the greatest threat to the institution of marriage and from a Hindu perspective, they fall in the category of pre-marital sex (if none of them is married) or adultery (if either of them is married and has abandoned their spouse). Unfortunately, within India, these relationships are on the increase because young adults are increasingly becoming financially independent from their parents due to a plethora of job opportunities available from professions that did not exist a few decades back. The Indian movie industry is also normalizing these unstable relationships by projecting them as cool or acceptable.
17.3 Gay Marriages
Hindu Dharma is the only faith that does not condemn anyone, let alone LGBTQ, to an eternal hell. We do not have a strong negative opinion on unconventional relationships. In the Hindu scriptures, nonheterosexuals and they who do not conform to the male-female gender binary are all included in a category called ‘third nature’ or as eunuchs. However, it is stated emphatically that they have the same spark of the Divine in them as heterosexuals, males and females because the
The true ‘I’ or our ātmā has no gender, race, physical form etc.
The ātmā is not a woman nor a man nor is it a eunuch. Whichever particular body it assumes, it is connected with that very form. Shvetāshvatara Upanishad 5.10
We are all Divine and equally so in our essential nature. Which is why, the Lord declares in the Vedas-
I (The Divine) am all, whether eunuchs, men or women. Yajurveda, Taittirīya Āraṇyaka 1.11.10
Likewise, Divine blessings are available equally to all, even to those who are homosexuals-
By devoting oneself to the service of Shiva, and seeking communion with His Name, men, women and even the eunuchs reach the Supreme abode of Rudra. Shivadharmottara Upapurāṇa 2.166
The reality of Karma-vāsanā-s and Punarjanma provides a rationale for why people are born the way they are.[106] The Hindu tradition and texts do not condone homosexual relationships and do not try to normalize them, but they do not contain very strict condemnation of them either. In a non-religious text from the Hindu tradition namely Kāmasūtra 2.9.36, it is mentioned that sometimes, couple of the same gender with
deep love and faith in each other can chose to live together in matrimony, indicating that gay marriages were not entirely unknown in ancient India.
Unfortunately, some parents force their gay children to marry a person of the opposite gender which ruins the lives of both. One could make several arguments to support gay marriages. Prominent Hindu leaders like Swami Chidananda Saraswati of Paramarth Niketan at Rishikesh are performing weddings of gay couples. In Nepal, the Supreme Court legalized gay marriages several years ago.
Some people argue that a gay couple cannot marry because Hindu scriptures say that we are all born with a debt to our Rishis (sages), Devas (the Divine) and Pitrs (the ancestors) and that the last debt is repaid only if we can have our own children. This same argument was used several centuries back to say that Hindus cannot become monks or ascetics (Sannyāsī) because they are celibate and therefore do not have children. But, our Dharmāchāryas argued that a duty is not obligatory on someone who cannot fulfill it. A little child is not responsible for providing for his parents, and a Sannyāsī likewise is not obliged to repay the three debts which become repayable only when a heterosexual couple marries. It is just like the fact that your educational loans become due only after you graduate from your college. Using this argument, our DharmaNibandha (digests of Dharma) authors allowed people to become celibate Sannyāsīs. In any case, there are many heterosexual couples who do not have biological children. Our scriptures allow them to adopt kids. In fact, biological children are only one of the several types of children that our scriptures list. To summarize, this argument is not valid for disallowing gay couples from marrying each other because they can become parents through surrogacy or adoption – both of which are allowed in Hindu Dharma without prejudice.
Some also argue that children of gay couples will also turn out to be homosexuals. But, this is not confirmed by actual data. Children raised by gay parents don’t necessarily turn out to be homosexuals themselves (just as children of heterosexual parents are not necessarily heterosexuals) because as explained above, The reality of Karma-vāsanā-s and Punarjanma explain why homosexual preferences are a part of one’s intrinsic nature.
Some argue that the Vedic wedding ceremony mantras and the shodasha samskāra mantras (16 rites of passage in our lives) presume a male father and a female. Therefore our ceremonies cannot be used to marry a gay couple or perform ceremonies for their adopted children. But in our own scriptures like the Kalpasutras, there are thousands of examples where the gender, number and even the meaning of Vedic mantras are altered to suit different situations. For instance, the mantra ‘dadhikrāvṇo akāriṣham…’ deals with the horse Dadhikra of King Trasadasyu and is therefore meant for the Ashvamedha royal ceremony. But in fact, it is often employed (‘viniyoga’) in conjunction with the use of curds (called ‘dadhi’ in Sanskrit) in shrauta and smārta prayogas simply because the word ‘dadhi’ occurs in the name of the horse Dadhikra. To summarize, it is an acceptable practice to modify the mantras of Vedic scriptures to perform a Hindu wedding of a gay couple.
Raskhan, the Gay Hindu Saint: According our Hindu scriptures and our saints, we can change our gender from life to life. This happens roughly after 4 rebirths, but in some cases a person changes his gender after say, 20 rebirths. In these cases, the latent vāsanas (mental impressions) give the person a svabhāva or prakriti (nature) that is contrary to the people of his own gender. This explanation has been used by our Swamis (religious teachers) in literature to explain homosexuality. As Hindus, we should be proud of the fact that ours is the only global faith that does not condemn homosexuals for making a so called ‘wrong, perverse’ choice. We believe that it is a part of their nature. Raskhan, born a gay Muslim, became a devotee of Krishna when his gift of a shawl miraculously appeared on the image of Krishna in the Banke Bihari temple in Vrindavan even though he was stopped from entering the temple. He spent the rest of his life worshipping Krishna and writing poetry to worship Him. Raskhan is regarded as a Hindu saint today.
17.4 Polygamy and Polyandry
Polyandry was rejected in Vedic texts as well as in the Smriti literature (e.g. Mahabharata 1.160.36) even though they accepted polygamy.
Therefore, one man has many wives but one woman at once does not have many husbands. Atharvaveda Gopatha Brāhmaṇa 2.3.20[107]
Nevertheless, we do read of a few instances of Polyandry in the sacred texts. The most well-known case is the five Pandava brothers marrying Draupadi as their common wife, an act that angered her relatives and was also declared as being against Dharma by Rishi Veda Vyāsa but then justified on other grounds by him and others in this specific case. Yudhishthira noted two other ancient cases of Polyandry – Jatilā marrying the seven Rishis, and Vārkshī marrying the ten Prachetas brothers. No one in Hindu history has ever used these as precedents to justify polyandry.
Till recent times, Polyandry was observed among Khasa Hindus of the Uttarakhand region. The wife of the eldest brother became the wife of his younger brothers as well. Among non-Hindus of Ladakh as well, this custom was (and to some extent it is still) prevalent among the Dardic Buddhists. It is possible that the Pandavas grew up in these regions, as the Mahabharata too indicates, and adopted that custom in their own lives. A few instances of Polyandry were known among Hindu communities of Kerala like the Nairs (who were matrilineal) and small groups like the Iravan and Tiyans. All these customs, local in origin and against Hindu Dharma, became largely defunct in the 19th century and no longer seem to exist today. Modern Hindu law prohibits Polyandry.
In contrast, Hindu scriptures had a broader tolerance for polygamy, a custom that was prevalent in all premodern communities of the world and is still acceptable amongst most Muslim societies. However, polygamy is now legally banned under the Hindu Marriage Act. As polygamy is largely a defunct and an illegal practice for Hindus today, it is not being discussed here in any details.
17.5 Matriarchal Families
Amongst the Nair Hindus of Kerala exists (with diminishing occurrence with time) the Matriarchal family system in which the lady head of the household and all of her daughters and grandchildren lived under one roof. Women in that home married or had a semi-formal marriage with males of the Nair or higher (Brahmana-Nambudiri) community. These sons in law only visited their wives between dinner and breakfast time and went back to their own homes daytime. The children born from this wedlock stayed with the mother living with her matriarch even if the marriage was dissolved. Wealth was inherited only by women from the matriarch and subsequently by female grandchildren whereas the wealth of the males or husbands was solely what they earned or inherited in case their own families did not follow the matriarchal system. The Nairs were the ruling community of erstwhile princely states in the present Indian state of Kerala or were allied to the ruling families. This type of family system is rapidly become extinct with time.
In addition to the Nairs, there were a few non Hindu communities in India like the Khasis of Meghalaya who followed a different type of matriarchal system.
17.6 Other Traditions
Among some communities in peninsular India, the oldest daughter was often married to their youngest maternal uncle (if their age difference is not that great). From a medical perspective there is insufficient genetic distance between the two and these marriages are regarded as incest by most other Hindus. The tradition is still practiced but is on decline.
Another tradition however, is quite ancient as it is mentioned and condemned in a sacred text- that of marrying one’s cousin.[108] Although acknowledged as a regional custom, it is rejected as opposed to the practice of Shiṣhṭa-s or noble people who know and follow the precepts of Dharma correctly.[109]
In Gujarat, some land-owning communities have a cross sister marriage in which the sister of a man is married to the brother of his wife. This ensures that the inheritance rights of the two wives cancel out each other and property is retained in the same male lineage generation after generation. Beyond the practical utility of this type of marriage however, this marriage is not strictly Dhārmic because there is a financial consideration involved.
18.0 Interfaith & Multiethnic Marriages
18.1 Interfaith Marriages between a Hindu and a non-Hindu
Interfaith marriages have happened in the past and will continue to happen in the present and in the future. Typically, parents want their children to marry within their own community – which means within their own religion, and preferably their own ethnic group. Therefore, in general, interfaith unions start as dating between the two partners, and then leads to a love marriage. In other words, interfaith marriages are not arranged marriages, strictly speaking, even when the parents of the two partners consent to the wedding.
It is seen that typically interfaith marriage of a Hindu with a Muslim and a Christian leads to a conversion of the Hindu partner because most Hindu institutions will not convert non Hindus and Hindu Dharma is not a proselytizing faith. This is a suicidal strategy. Especially outside the Indian subcontinent where Hindus are a minority (as in the West), Hindus as a community need to evolve their thinking and be more welcoming to those who want to embrace our faith.
18.2 Do’s of an Interfaith Marriage[110]
1. Interfaith unions bring issues related to religious differences. Do openly discuss the differences in their religious upbringing and their impact on married life, before the decision is made to get married. Unresolved or unaddressed issues could be detrimental to harmonious marital relationship.
2. Do encourage the non-Hindu spouse to consider accepting Hindu Dharma, emphasizing its nondogmatic, open and pluralistic approach.
3. Do thoroughly understand the meaning and implications of the non-Hindu wedding ceremony you may agree to participate in.
4. Do inculcate Hindu Dharma identity in your child through the choice of name and the utilization of local Bala Viharas.
5. Do maintain a pūjā-sthāna at home and practice daily pūjā to set an example for the children of the Hindu approach to Godhead.
6. Do perform, for your child, the Hindu samsksaras of nāmakaraṇa and upanayanan. Note that these ceremonies do not place a religious label on a child.
7. Do discuss the preferences for funeral arrangements.
18.3 Don’ts of an Interfaith Marriage[111]
1. Don’t convert to another religion out of compulsion.
2. Don’t sign any documents as a part of the wedding ceremony, e.g., ketubah, child-rearing agreements.
3. Don’t allow anyone to perform circumcision of your male child for the sake of religious belief.
4. Don’t allow the child to undergo baptism, confirmation, bris, bar/bat mitzvah and sunnat, as these place a “religious label” on the child.
18.4 Some Considerations for Interfaith Weddings in the West
1. The regular American Christian/Jew/Agnostic/Atheist is very open minded. But are we open minded enough to welcome them?
2. We have chosen to immigrate to a predominantly non Hindu society. We gave up our nationality but not religion. Our children are likely to marry outside our religions. We have to accept that our sons/daughters in law could be from outside of our religious community and integrate them into ours.
3. Most resistance to offering the option to convert to Hindu Dharma comes from our own community members, religious committees and Pandits. We refuse converts even though the non-Hindu spouse wants to convert.
4. There is no couple counseling session before the wedding, where the non-Hindu spouse can learn about our traditions.
5. Interfaithshaadi.com website of Dilip Amin emphasizes – never convert to another faith, do not agree that your interfaith children undergo sunnat, baptism etc.
18.5 Multi-Ethnic Weddings outside India
Indian itself is a multi-ethnic country although there is also a pan-Indian ethnic identity. However, there are many elements that make up one’s ethnic identity in which some elements might differ from person to person. Within India, the major fault-line is along religion. In the last few decades, there is an increasing trend of marriage among Hindus hailing from different ethnicities within India and Nepal like Telugu marrying a Punjab, Gujarati marrying a Sindhi and so on.
One major mistake that Hindus outside India do is to confuse Hindus with India. We have to stop confusing the Indian identity with the Hindu identity. There are several hundred thousand Hindus from the Caribbean, Nepal, Bhutan, Bangladesh and Pakistan in the USA and in other countries who are not being welcomed
and reached out to by India centric Hindu mandirs. For example, in my own case, my children born and raised here, and we as well, who have given up Indian citizenship, are Americans first. This is our home, this is where our children were born, this is our Karmabhoomi although our birthplace and Puṇyabhoomi might be Bharat. Another reason to emphasize our Hindu identity is that the Indian identity has already been swamped by South Asian identity.
Multi-ethnic wedding in the west is typically also an interfaith wedding. But if we believe that only Indians can be Hindus, then there are two problems – First, the equation is incorrect. Second, we lost the opportunity to welcome a Non Hindu into our fold and commit the suicidal act of reducing our own community’s strength.
Bibliography
Acknowledgements: The images used in this document are taken from various websites.
Primary Texts: Representative passages from Hindu sacred literature were referenced/cited using standard translations with or without slight modifications, for illustrative purposes. Some translations are mine. It was not my intent to create an exhaustive compilation of all relevant scriptural passages in this book. The texts cited are-
Rigveda (Shākala), Mādhyandina Yajurveda Saṃhitā, Maitrāyaṇī Yajurveda, Taittirīya Yajurveda Saṃhitā, Shaunakīya Atharvaveda, Mādhyandina Shatapatha Brāhmaṇa, Aitareya Brāhmaṇa, Taittirīya Brāhmaṇa, Tāṇdya Brāhmaṇa, Chhāndogya Mantra-Brahmana, Gopatha Brāhmaṇa, Aitareya Āraṇyaka, Taittirīya Āraṇyaka, Brihadāraṇyaka Upanishad, Chhāndogya Upanishad, Īshāvāsya Upanishad, Katha Upanishad,
Shvetāshvatara Upanishad, Subāla Upanishad, Taittirīya Upanishad, Charaka Saṃhitā, Sushruta Saṃhita, Hārita Saṃhitā, Vāgbhatta’s Aṣhtāṇgahridaya, Nirukta, Brihaddevatā, Aṣhtādhyāyī with Siddhāntakaumudī, Āpastamba Grhyasūtra, Āshvalāyana Grhyasūtra, Devapāla’s commentary on Kāthaka
Grhyasūtra, Gobhila Grhyasūtra, Maharshi Patanjali’s Mahābhāshya, Pūrva Mīmāṃsā Sūtras with Shabara’s Commentary, Brahmasūtra, Bhagavad Gitā, Anugita (from Mahābhārata), Manusmriti (with commentary of Medhātithi), Āpastamba Dharmasūtra, Gautama Dharmasūtra, Vāshiṣhtha Dharmasūtra, Vaikhānasa Dharmaprashna, Vishnu Dharmasūtra, Shankha Likhita Dharmasūtra, Yājnavalkya Smriti, Daksha Smriti, Kātyāyana Saṃhitā, Vyāsa Smriti, Āpastamba Smriti, Hārita Smriti, Parāshara Smriti, Samvartta Smriti, Shankha Smriti, Atri Saṃhitā, Vādhūla Smriti, Rāmāyaṇa, Mahābhārata, Agni Purāṇa, Bhāgavata Purāṇa (including Uddhava Gita), Bhaviṣhya Purāṇa, Brahma Purāṇa, Brahmāṇda Purāṇa, Devī Bhāgavata Upapurāṇa, Garuḍa Purāṇa, Padma Purāṇa, Kūrma Purāṇa, Mārkaṇdeya Purāṇa, Matsya Purāṇa, Nārada Purāṇa, Shiva Purāṇa, Skanda Purāṇa, Vāmana Purāṇa, Vāyu Purāṇa, Vishṇu Purāṇa, Shivadharmottara Upapurāṇa, Mahanirvāṇa Tantra, Bhartrhari’s Shatakatryaṃ and Vijnānashatakaṃ, Chāṇakyanītidarpaṇaḥ, Kautilīya Arthashāstra and Chāṇakya Sūtra, Chāṇakya Rājanītisamucchaya,
Chāṇakya Rājanīti Shataka, Vriddha Chāṇakya, Nītisāra of Āchārya Kāmandakī, Shukranīti-Sāraḥ, Kavitāmṛitakūpa, Kural, Nītidvishashtikā of Sundara Pāndya, Viduranītiḥ (from Mahābhārata), Panchatantra, Hitopadesha, Subhāṣhitārṇava, Narābharaṇa, Kathāsaritsāgara, Bhojacharita,
Uttararāmacharita, Vikrama Charitaṃ, Kāmasūtra, Satsai of Kavi Vrinda, Doha of Sant Nārāyaṇa, Satyārtha Prakāsha of Swami Dayananda Saraswati
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[1] Subjects like aging, retirement etc., will therefore be covered elsewhere.
[2] The four stages are Brahmacharya (celibate student), Grihastha (householder), Vānaprastha (retiree hermit) and Saṃnyāsa (Ascetic).
[3] Symptom of a medical condition hypotrichosis.
[4] See Stella Sandahl (2001) in which she explains these requirements in terms of religious, folkloric, social, legal and medical reasons.
[5] Pandey, pp. 196-197
[6] See Sushruta Saṃhitā, Sūtrasthāna 14.6
[7] See also Sushruta Saṃhitā, Sūtrasthāna 35.29
[8] See Vāgbhatta’s Aṣhtāṇgahridaya, Shārīrasthāna, chapter 1; Gobhila Grhyasūtra 3.5.3 etc.
[9] However, in modern times, due to longer education requirements and rising cost of living etc., men and even women are increasing getting married even beyond the age of twenty-five in the Hindu society, consistent with the trends in the secularized West.
[10] See Susan Hill Gross and Marjorie Wall Bingham. 1980. Women in India – Vedic to Modern Times. Gary & Mccuen Publications Inc. (Hudson, Wisconsin), Page 27
[11] See https://geneticliteracyproject.org/2021/02/26/why-cousin-marriages-can-wreak-genetic-havoc-on-children/ <checked on 09 February 2023>
[12] For several examples in the Purāṇa-s, see Uma Jain (2015), p. 92
[13] Uma Jain (2015), pp. 93-94
[14] See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikah_mut%27ah <checked on 14 February 2023> 16 Bansi Pandit (2001), pp. 293-294
[15] In another enumeration, the seven steps stand for food, strength, vows (commitment), happiness, wealth, for all seasons and for conjoint performance of yajnas. After the seventh step, the groom then says to his bride, “be my friend for life.” See Anil Kumar (2014), pp. 297-298
[16] For instance poet Bhavabhūti
[17] E.g., Matsya Purana 154.497 where King Himāchala is filled with grief when his daughter Devi Parvati leaves her home after marrying Shiva.
[18] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dowry_death
[19] Veena Talwar Oldenburg. 2002. Dowry Murder – the Imperial Origins of a Cultural Crime. Oxford University Press (New York)
[20] For numerous examples in the ancient Hindu literature, see Uma Jain (2015), p, 97. 23 Atharvaveda 14.2.71
[21] Rigveda 1.179.3
[22] Rigveda 10.85.26-27
[23] Yajurveda, Taittirīya Brāhmaṇa 3.3.3.5
[24] Meeta and Ravilochan (2010).
[25] For more details, refer to Shabarasvāmī’s commentary on Pūrva Mīmāṃsā Sūtra-s 6.1.10-24. This extensive discussion emphasizes that women are not the property of men, they have the agency, ownership and capacity to participate as a pair in Vedic ceremonies and obtain the fruit of good deeds and worship.
[26] Vaikhānasasmārta Sūtra 8.5 also has a similar description of the four types of householders.
[27] Features in Subāla Upaniṣhad as well.
[28] This section is not intended to be a general compilation on Hindu Economic Principles. The focus is the connection of wealth (its acquisition, preservation, growth, expenditure and use for noble purposes) with the life of the Hindu householder.
[29] Atharvaveda (Shaunakīya) 3.17
[30] Ibid. 3.15
[31] Ibid. 2.26
[32] Ibid. 4.22
[33] Cf. Rigveda 10.117.3 – ‘He who eats alone is nothing but a sinner’.
[34] J.W. McCrindle, Ancient India as described by Megasthenes and Arrian, Calcutta, Bombay, and London, 1877, online at lcweb2.loc.gov/service/gdc/scd0001/2004/20040416001in/20040416001in.pdf as of 18 March 2008, p. 123– 126.
[35] Pandit Ram Sharma Acharya, pp. 40-41
[36] Atharvaveda (Shaunakīya) 1.34
[37] Ibid, 2.36
[38] Ibid, 3.23
[39] Ibid, 3.25
[40] Rigveda 8.31.5-9; See Shabarswami’s commentary on Purvamimamsa Sutra 6.9.17; Siddhāntakaumudi on Aṣhṭādhyāyī 4.1.33 etc.
[41] Mādhavīya Shankaradigvijaya 2.14
[42] Yajurveda, Taittirīya Brāhmaṇa 2.2.2.6
[43] Yajurveda, Shatapatha Brāhmaṇa 5.2.1.8; Yajurveda, Taittirīya Brāhmaṇa 3.7.1 47 Shatapatha Brāhmaṇa 12.8.2.6
[44] Swami Satprakashananda, pp. 274-275
[45] Swami Sivananda (1993), p. 50-51
[46] It must be emphasized however that one’s children need not only be one biological progeny. They can be adopted etc. See the next section.
[47] This custom is prevalent amongst Jat Hindu community in northern India.
[48] Yajurveda Maitrāyaṇī Samhita 4.6.4; 4.7.9. These passages merely mean that whereas a newly born son is lifted up by his father for ‘showing’, the daughter is not shown and is placed down for the sake of modesty. At worse, these passages could indicate dejection at the birth of a daughter, nothing more. For a reasonable interpretation of all such passages explaining the ritual purpose of this custom, and for a rejection of contrary views, refer –
J B Chaudhuri, “The Position of the Daughter in the Vedic Ritual”, in New Indian Antiquary (May 1941), pp. 77-85
[49] The preference for male children over female children manifests in many ways. For instance, studies conducted in the United States show that couples with daughters are more likely to divorce than those with sons. And single mothers with daughters are more likely to remarry than those with sons.
[50] This rite is called ‘Pumsavana’. Of course, it is useless from a scientific perspective because the sex of the child is determined right at the moment of conception. The rite has fallen into disuse for quite some time now and is not now performed.
[51] However, traditional commentators do emphasize that the same rite may be performed for birth of daughters by merely changing the gender or other things through a standard ritual technique called ‘Uuha’. See J. B. Chaudhuri. “The Significance of the Vedic Rite Pumsavana”, in Indian Historical Quarterly, vol. XIV, Dec. 1938, pp. 831-835 58 In case a couple had only daughters, they were allowed to adopt their eldest material grandson as their own son nominally to discharge their debts to the ancestors, and to have their post-death ceremonies performed. This status of the grandson was called ‘Putrikā’ and has been sanctioned by the Vedas (Rigveda 3.31.1). However, in actual practice, birth of one’s own sons was always the preferable option. Numerous texts however allow daughters to perform the ceremony directly for their ancestors. 59 For instance poet Bhavabhūti
[52] The ceremony is called ‘kanyādāna’ or the ‘gift of one’s daughter’ and is regarded as the greatest of all acts of ‘charity’. However, Hindu scriptures are quick to emphasize that the ‘gift’ of daughters is merely a religious formality
[53] Rajbali Pandey (1969), p. 165
[54] E.g., Matsya Purāṇa 154.497 where Himāchala is filled with grief when his daughter Devi Parvati leaves her home after marrying Shiva.
[55] For instance, the Arya Samaj founded by Swami Dayanand Sarasvati in 1875 revived Vedic and secular education of women by opening schools for girls. Today, we have several women who are scholars in Vedic and other Hindu texts.
[56] E.g., Manusmriti 9.130. A similar verse is also cited at Nirukta 3.4 and the accent marks indicates that it is quoted from a lost Vedic text.
[57] Āshvalāyana Grhyasūtra 1.7.4; Āpastamba Grhyasūtra 4.12
[58] Devapāla’s commentary on Kāthaka Grhyasūtra 25.45
[59] J. B. Chaudhari. “The Significance of the Vedic Rite Pumsavana”, in Indian Historical Quarterly, vol. XIV, Dec. 1938, pp. 831-835
[60] Āpastamba Grhyasūtra 6.15.12-13
[61] Matsya Purāṇa 154.414-417
[62] cf. Devibhāgavata Purāṇa 7.30
[63] Mahābhārata 13.11.14
[64] Rigveda, Aitareya Brāhmaṇa 7.13
[65] Manusmriti 4.184
[66] Rigveda 8.31.8 75 Rigveda 3.23.4 etc.
[67] For an introduction to Epigenetics, see https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3052688/ <checked on 19
April 2022> or https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epigenetics <checked on 18 April 2022>
[68] Swami Adiswarananda (2006), p. 14
[69] Allan J Danelek (2005), p. 45
[70] Swami Rama and Swami Ajaya (1986), p. 92
[71] Swami Vivekananda, quoted in Swami Tapasyananda (2010), pp. 1-2
[72] For numerous examples of Hindu children and teenagers who have made important contributions to Dharma, refer Vishal Agarwal (2006).
[73] Manusmriti 2.154
[74] Chhāndogya Upanishad 4.4.4-5
[75] Several Upanishads are named after him, and he is also apparently the codifier of the Jabala school of Yajurveda. Chhāndogya Upanishad itself states that Jabala acquired the knowledge of Supreme Being while tending his Guru’s cows in the forest as a teenager, but nevertheless returned to Gautama to complete his education.
[76] Swami Tejomayananda (2008), pp. 13-14
[77] Swami Tejomayananda (2008), pp 18-20
[78] For instance, Matsya Purāṇa 1.18.1-5 states that if a man visits the temple of Vishnu and listens to religious discourses in the company of his wife and children, he abides in heaven for a long time.
[79] Huyler 1999 gives numerous photographs of Hindu children engaged in worship, rituals and religious festivities. 89 For this list, see Anil Kumar (2014), p. 16-17. For a slightly different classification, see Rajbali Pandey (1969), p. ix. The lists vary from text to text.
[80] A prominent example is the animated story of ‘Ramayana’ produced a joint Indo-American Japanese venture named ‘Nippon Ramayana’. The DVD is being used by thousands of Hindu parents in the west to introduce the Hindu epic to their children.
[81] A study says -“Growing in a predominantly Christian context and knowing little about the conflict and diversity that have characterized the history of Christianity, the children of Hindu immigrants look for a single unified tradition and a standard text or texts. The majority religion seems so monolithic and transparently simple that second generation Hindus want to be presented with one easy set of beliefs, analogous to Christianity and Islam (or so they think). To achieve this, the immigrants tend to emphasize beliefs only, not socio-religious practices, not the caste system, the village society, nor gendered practices or the daily interactions with fellow citizens of other religions.” (Leonard 1997)
[82] The edition used by me is Chaturvedi (2010)
[83] Manusmriti 2.150-154
[84] Swami Tejomayananda (2008), pp. 27-29
[85] Swami Tejomayananda (2008), pp. 20-21
[86] Cited by Maharshi Dayananda Saraswati in his Satyārtha Prakāsha.
[87] Charaka Samhitā, Sharīrasthāna 4.8
[88] Sushruta Samhitā, Sharīrasthāna 3.18
[89] ibid, 3.30; Charaka Samhitā, Sharīrasthāna 4.15-19
[90] A detailed discussion on Hindu perspectives on abortion is reserved for a later occasion.
[91] “The inhabitants of this world – including gods, ancestors, seers, and other human and non-human beings – live in a web of interdependent relationships which create reciprocal rights and obligations….” Patrick Olivelle (1993), p. 50 102 Yajurveda, Taittirīya Samhitā 6.3.10.5
[92] Swami Bhaskarananda (2002), p. 102
[93] Evil accrued due to the five sources of unavoidable evils/violence is specifically compensated by performing the Vaishvadevayajna but is mitigated by all the five Mahāyajnas in a general way.
[94] See Kamlesh Kapur (2013), pp. 186-187
[95] Bansi Pandit (2001), p. 292
[96] See “Losing a Spouse Makes Men 70% More Likely to Die Within a Year” by Haley Weiss at https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/losing-spouse-makes-men-70-185447778.html <checked on 23March2023>
[97] Baudhāyana Dharmasūtra 4.1.16; Vāshishtha Dharmasūtra 17.19-20 etc.
[98] Parāshara Smriti 4.30; Garuḍa Purana 1.107.28; Agni Purāṇa 154.5
[99] Manusmriti 9.76
[100] Manusmriti 5.158; 5.162; Āpastamba Dharmasūtra 2.6.13-14
[101] Manusmriti 9.175
[102] N K Dutt, “Widow in Ancient India”, in The Indian Historical Quarterly, vol. XIV.4 (December 1938), pp. 661679
[103] See also Yājnavalkya Smriti 1.89
[104] Bansi Pandit (2001), pp. 292-293
[105] See Manusmriti 9.111
[106] See Section 10 in ‘What Happens when we Die’ by Vishal Agarwal, available online at https://drive.google.com/file/d/1008eowNyZpBLqgjaW8CiqfWIrEga0Hpj/view <viewed on 18 March 2023>
[107] See also Yajurveda, Shatapatha Brāhmaṇa 9.4.1.6 and Rigveda, Aitareya Brāhmaṇa 3.23
[108] Today, it is practiced by a handful of Brahmana communities of Konkan and Maharashtra.
[109] See Baudhāyana Dharmasūtra 1.1.2.1-7
[110] Reproduced from Kotwal et al (2011), p. 121, with slight modifications.
[111] Reproduced from Kotwal et al (2011), p. 121, with slight modifications.